Keep Away

I'll be losing the laptop today.  Let's try not to make this one too long.  I think it has to be said.  "Keep away from me!"  I mean it.  I'm here to help people - know that.  I'm not afraid of you because I have no reason to be.  Stop wasting your time. 

I'm tired of people coming up to me seemingly possessed.  It seems worse now than when I was pathetic on the street.   I guess it always happened when I was out there and I just expected it since I was in hell.  I guess the dark side had me where it wanted me.  Looking healthy and strong seems to be doing something out there.  I care about these crazy people too, but I get confused.  I had a guy get in my face and tell me "We're waiting for you!" and then he started laughing.  His eyes were creepy.  I simply walked around him.

Stop wasting your time.  We already won.  If I sound crazy it's because I feel crazy.  I live in a crazy neighborhood.  I've been through some crazy things.  

We care about this neighborhood.  We have guys who help us here who are not addicts.  I think we also help them.  I know we are protective of them.  Jonathon (not the director) comes by a lot to help out.  I guess he needs a nickname - Hip Hop.  He was leaving Saturday night and The King suggested we walk him to his destination.  I agreed.   These streets can be tough.   I still don't see them that way though.  I wouldn't have thought of walking him, but didn't mind doing so.

It's probably more likely something will happen when I'm around!  It never use to be that way for me.  Perhaps I was too close to the dark side last time. 

Hip Hop rode with me to Vallejo yesterday and we talked about this.  He said, "People always mess with you.  I think you intimidate people" Or something like that.  I don't want to.  I really care.  I think I just don't put up with crap and I put up for myself.  I care and I will put up with a lot.  It's confusing.  

Hip Hop also told me I had "the most game" of anyone in the house!  I laughed at that.  I really don't want that reputation.  I am just friendly to people - including women.  It's not really like that.  It makes me laugh.  When  I was Hip Hop's age, I guess I didn't have any enemies either. He's a nice guy.

It's like Winston Churchill said, "You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."  I guess that's what this is all about.  I won't back down from standing up for God.  I don't want to sound self-righteous.  "Please God, Your Will"

When I wrote that blog Guardian, I meant it.  That's what I will be for the rest of my life.  I plan on doing God's work.

I don't like that Prince and The King feel they have to walk with me from CityTeam to YWAM.  I appreciate it and perhaps I shouldn't stray from the pack.  I walk fast.  Surprised?  The King said, "Come back here.  You'll get around the corner and be into it with someone."  I really don't know why this has been happening lately.  I don't want them to get into it with anyone - especially because of me.  This just doesn't even feel like it makes sense that I have to recognize this.

My friend, "the devil", always shows up at the right moments.  I pointed him out to the King yesterday because he knows the Palo Alto story.  He later told me, "He was staring at me."  What the ____ was I thinking?  I need to be more mindful.  Actually, I need to not fear - anything.  Especially my friend - the devil.  

The guy I call El Diablo at CityTeam and I cooked breakfast this morning.  I told him about "the devil" coming around last night after that guy died.  He kind of knows the guy also.  He said, "I think you underestimate the devil.  He gets into world leaders."  While I hear what he might have meant, I think El Diablo underestimates the devil.  That's a crazy sentence!

Sickness spilling through your eyes
Craving everything that you thought was alive, yeah
Stab me in my heart again, ah yeah
Drag me through your wasted life, are you forever dead
 
Do like I told you
Stay away from me
Never misunderstand me
Keep away from me

Twistin' everything around that you say, yeah!
Smack me in my mouth 200 times every other day
Rag me, I don't hear you anymore, not yet
Find out what it means to me, I don't know who you are
 
Do like I told you
Stay away from me
Never misunderstand me
Keep away from me

Do like I told you
Stay away from me
Never misunderstand me

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh!
Draggin' on so lonely, aren't you tired baby? Yeah!
Breathing life into your lungs are you immune to me?
Ahhh! yeah yeah yeah yeah! 

Do like I told you
Stay away from me
Never misunderstand me
Keep away from me

Do like I told you
Stay away from me
Never misunderstand me

Ahhh. Yeah!
Keep away from me
Oh yeah!
Never misunderstand me
Never misunderstand me
Never misunderstand me
Ahhh. Yeah

Yeah! [4x]

That Smell

(I wrote this blog 7-20-12)

I talked to Sleepless on the phone tonight. It was great to finally actually hear her voice.  Let's just say it matches the rest of her.  She said I didn't have to leave her out of this blog - so I probably won't!  She's cool.  Very cool. 

(I had said in a previous blog that I would leave her out of this blog.  That blog seems to have been lost.  It was saved on a computer in the learning Center.  Not having my laptop will make things confusing again.  There were a lot of things in that blog I wanted to put out there.  I don’t want to get into it right now, but I believe dark forces have lots of access to computers.  Perhaps I should be giving credit to God instead.  Either way God wins.)

I said I need to focus and I do.  I love all of my blog readers.  I do.  I will continue to write.  So many of my readers are going through similar things as me.  They don’t even necessarily have to be addicts either.  Many are from my lovely little loving hometown – Loveland.  Oh by the way, I think I changed Loveland’s blog name to Sleepless in the blog I lost.  I thought calling her Loveland might be confusing.  Sleepless really works for me seeing as though she’s on my mind during my sleepless nights often.  Sure feels better than loss and frustration!  My nightly soundtrack on my MP3 player has changed to pretty much monster ballads - dork.

We are all in this together.  My focus does need to be on CityTeam.  I love this program.  I am currently the lead and I am typing on the computer in the office.  Let’s hope I don’t lose this one in transit!  Mohammad is speaking Farce next to me on the phone.  I love this Christian program.

I love these guys in the program - all of them.  Barry Bonds who made me lead is no longer house manager.  He managed to do that for me just before he stepped down.  Thanks!  Actually, I’m glad he did.  Yesterday, he was in the office and I was lead.  Only the lead and house manager are allowed to be in the office, so I got to say to him, “What are you doing in this office?”  We both got a good laugh out of that one.  Like that man has never held me accountable for anything!

The house manager is now “Do You Know the Way To San Jose.”  He gets a long nickname!  He’s from San Jose and goes there often.  I haven't written about him because he has always kind of quietly been an asset to this place.  I always wondered who would take Barry Bonds place.  When I was told it was him when we got back from MayMac, I thought - duh?  Some have suggested me for the future.  No Thanks!

He's a good man.  He is also the other driver.  This puts more driving duties on me.  Remember what I used to say?  Those who have been given much, much will be expected.  That still holds true.  I need to focus.  Susan's leaving soon.  Focus.

Much of what I have learned for this blog has come from CityTeam.  It has come from God.  I need to remember who needs my focus the most - the guys at CityTeam.  You see, if we relapse things go all bad.  Really bad!  We all didn’t end up at a place like this because we "might" have a problem.  We are hardcore addicts.  When we go out, we go out - sometimes for good.

What I know I am dealing with and I hope all these guys never forget we are dealing with is literally life and death - and more.  I mean it.  The guys working a good program get it.  We all have our bottoms.  However, you’ve hit bottom when you stop digging.  It gets deeper every time.  I suppose the ultimate bottom may even have more bottoms to go.  I’m not going  to find out.  No one has to.

At CityTeam, we have folders to keep our work organized.  Ronnie Van Zant has two photos of himself on his.  One photo is of him homeless in San Francisco.  The other one is from his days as a resident of the Florida Department of Corrections.  When he showed me, I said, "You look like you were better off being a convict!"  He did. 

Ronnie Van Zant gave the best book report I've heard in the four months I have been here.  It was even better than the one I gave!  He made it very fun and interactive with the everyone.  He had interesting trivia questions for us all.  He classically started his book report by saying,  "Since I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make this our book report!" 

Fast Times at Ridgmont high was one of my favorite movies growing up.  I actually brought a copy from Susan’s to CityTeam last night in a box.  I guess that’d be contraband!  I won’t show it here.  I better put it in storage!  Susan always said she wasn’t allowed to watch those kind of things when young.  No one was around to stop me sometimes.  Hmmm?

Loveland High was very similar to Ridgemont High!  It's no wonder we're all so messed up.  My idol was of course - Jeff Spicoli.  I'll never forget the day someone on the streets of San Francisco saw me out there years ago with my long hair and scrawny body and said, "You remind me of that dude form fast times at Ridgemont High!"  I had arrived.

Ronnie Van Zant Rocks.  He calls me Dave Mustaine!  I wasn't a big Megadeath fan, but I like it.  His book report rocked.  He reminded me what I am supposed to do with this blog - Glorify God.  That is what it is all about.  Doing everything for God will take care of everything good because god is all good. 

Something Ronnie Van Zant said that makes sense to me was "If someone gossips to you, they will gossip about you."  I like that.  I don't like to talk about people.  If I'm having a hard time, I may vent about them, but it's only about their actions.  I'll tell them to there face - if I can.  If I struggle to do so it might come out in this blog.  I don't want to go to powers that be and I use nicknames.  If it appears in this blog, I'm not talking about you behind your back.  I'm saying how I feel about you to the Universe because I feel it needs to be known.  

Suave, who hated me, has lost his mind.  I only say this because I believe it was obvious he was not focusing on himself by things I wrote in the past.  I'll pray for him.

(7-21-12 Space-Time update:  Barry Bonds has no problem calling a spade a spade.  He never has.  Something I wrote in my blog about “hitting the pipe” as soon as someone got out of here was announced before breakfast.  He simply said what I said, but he said to us all as a group – “LEAVE NOW!”  We also all sung happy birthday to The King!  I told him he gets to be 29 for the rest of his life.)

A perfect example of my saying how I feel about ones actions is what I said about what Mr. Ed said to me in Jonathon's office and how it made me mad .  It seems CityTeam has started taking notice of this blog since "My Stalker" emailed.  Thank you!  I told them this blog mattered to people.  Mr. Ed, said, “How come you talked bad about me?”  I said, "Don't do something bad to me and I won't talk bad about what you did - You did it."  I try to fill this blog with the truth.  I'm not perfect.

I love Mr. Ed.  I tell him all the time God speaks through him in his classes.  This is just true.  It sure beats when Mr. Ed speaks sometimes!  I love ya Mr. Ed.  In his last class we had to write a one page paper about what it was like be with us for the past two years.  I like to write!

The Prince

It's nearly lights out and The Prince wanted me to let you all know that he "...is changing from the hood to the good!"  I love that kid.  He calls me "Bro D Mac" or "Bra Bra". I love this program. I'm glad they reeled me in a bit.  They can't keep me down!  I'm making my first attempt at the Golden Gate Bridge run tomorrow.  I'm getting stronger. 

I love these guys.  This is serious business we are dealing with.  Another thing Ronnie Van Zant shared in his book report was how he was once In Safeway stealing some liquor and a worker caught him and said, “what is that smell?  Instead of stealing some liquor, you should be stealing some soap!”   

When the real Ronnie Van Zant sung about "that smell", I know EXACTLY what smell he's talking about.   I hated that smell.  It was like I was rotting from the inside out.  It's the most awful smell.  I never want to smell that smell again.




(7-21-12 evening)
Speaking of death.  After I got back from taking one of our graduates wife to Valejo again today to visit him in the hospital, there a body bag across the street from CityTeam. If my words weren’t powerful enough, perhaps this image is.

Remember what I said in my blog Shakedown Street.  If I don’t walk one way with God who is in control….

Moments after taking this photo tonight, I heard a familiar voice behind me.  “How’d he die?”  It was the devil.  It was man who told me he was the devil one night - the night I ran to Palo Alto.  I turned around to see his glossed over eyes and him grinning at me.  He said, “I just got off work and now I can’t get in my hotel”   Then he laughed.  He had fresh bruises and tracks on his left arm and his grim reaper tattoo on his right.  I almost ask him if I could take a photo, but thought that would not be a good idea.  I said earlier I believed evil finds a way into my computer - I don’t need to help it.  He asked if I could get him something to eat.  I did.  He said he was staying in the Sunny Side Hotel and could not get in because of the police tape.

Once the street was reopened, the first  two vehicles were two open topped bus loads of young party goers dancing and partying away down 6th street.  Do you know the Way to San Jose usually drives a group of guys to Cornerstone Church in The Mission on Saturday nights, but he was in San Jose, so I did it.  While there a woman walked up behind me and whispered in my ear, “They turned their back on Jesus too.”  Good Fellow asked me, “What was that all about?”  I have no idea.  

After parking the van tonight, I was walking back to CityTeam with a guy named Robert who hangs out with us.  I heard him say, "Look at that!"  It was a brand new syringe on the ground with both orange caps.  Please don't do that to me.  "They" know times are tough for me. 

 

Whiskey bottles, and brand new cars
Oak tree you're in my way
There's too much coke and too much smoke
Look what's going on inside you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you

Angel of darkness is upon you
Stuck a needle in your arm
So take another toke, have a blow for your nose
One more drink fool, will drown you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you

Now they call you Prince Charming
Can't speak a word when you're full of 'ludes
Say you'll be all right come tomorrow
But tomorrow might not be here for you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you

Hey, you're a fool you
Stick them needles in your arm
I know I been there before

One little problem that confronts you
Got a monkey on your back
Just one more fix, Lord might do the trick
One hell of a price for you to get your kicks
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you

Guardian

Well, I probably took my last run with Phil today.  Susan's parents get here tonight.  I probably won't be around that much and they'll be flying him back with them.  They will leave and then The King and I will help Susan load the shipping container. Then, Susan goes to the east coast for couple of days, comes back and then it's goodbye.

Reuben and Cerise have a home in Cincinnati.  Thanks guys!  I really appreciate your taking them.  Reuben is currently licking my nose as I write this. He's a loving cat.  He loves attention!.   Now he's knocking my hat off my head with his nose.  I'll miss him but I know he'll be in a good home and at least I can visit them some day.

Today was hard.  I spent most of it in the hospital.  One of our graduates had a stroke on Monday and was moved from the ICU in San Francisco to a recovery unit in Vallejo.  He's a good guy.  I also know his wife who is a sweet person.  I drove her to Vallejo to be with him. At least he's out of intensive care and will recover.  It was nice to see him.

Being in that Kaiser ICU-like unit made me think of what it must have been like for Susan that week I was in the ICU.  I only have one vague memory of me being on a walker staring at an exit.  Susan has said she said to me, "What?  You planning you big escape?"  

Apparently I was.  After leaving the hospital, I was wearing very little and barefoot on 6th street buying drugs while Susan was begging me not to, calling my step-mother, telling my dealers I had been in the ICU (if it wasn't already obvious) and trying to get me arrested.  I vaguely remember that also.

I would come really aware of where I was after shooting up in the woods out by the Golden Gate Bridge.  Apparently the meth overtook the benzodiazepines the hospital had me on.  I realized something was up when I found a heart monitor on my chest.  I'm so glad that insanity is over. 

Creating new memories by helping people see their loved ones is what I need to be doing.  It was nice to see the two of them with each other.  I am taking her back again tomorrow.

There is this really good radio station out here called KFOG.  Every morning they do this thing called 10 at 10.  At 10:00 AM, they play 10 songs from a different year every day.  Today, they picked 1992 - the year Susan graduated.  Many of the chosen songs reminded me of those days on the drive to the hospital.  I really felt the words to many of them.

KFOG 10@10 July 20th, 2012:

(News: Rodney King: "Can we all get along?")
  1. Annie Lennox - Why?
  2. Sugar - Helpless
(News: Not guilty verdict on police charged in Rodney King beating/ L.A. Riots )
  3. Eric Clapton - Tears in Heaven
(News: Rodney King: "Can we all get along?")
  4. Bruce Springsteen - Human Touch
(TV clips: Sinead O'Connor tears photo of pope on SNL/ Barney - I love you, you love me)
  5. Soup Dragons - Divine Thing
  6. The Cure - Friday I'm in Love
(Movie: Wayne's World - "Just because we broke up doesn't mean we can't see each other")
  7. En Vogue - My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)
  8. Peter Gabriel - Kiss That Frog
  9. The Sugarcubes - Hit (B.O.S!)
(Movie: My Cousin Vinny - Biological clock)
 10. U2 - Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses
(TV: Ren & Stimpy - Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy!)

Susan and I stayed in Vallejo the first few days we were in California until we found an apartment in the Lower Haight.  We had our dog Willie and our cat Lexie so we stayed in a Motel 6.  I drove past it today on the way back from the hospital.  It just brought back a lot of memories.

Susan told me what she's going to name her daughter.  I loved it.  Let's put it this way - It would make a great blog some day.  Might Susan have chosen a song title to name her child?  Susan never wanted to be mother, but will be a great one.

I'm really going to embrace my role at CityTeam.  I may do more than most and complain about being "reeled in", but I am grateful for the things I do.  I do love helping people.  I do care about those guys.  I like being the lead at night so I can be there for and help the new guys.  

I also like being our driver so I can pick up donations to help feed us and the needy in San Francisco.   I have recently been called an angel.  Sure beats feeling like the devil.

You, you who has smiled when you’re in pain
You who has soldiered through the profane
They were distracted and shut down

So why, why would you talk to me at all
such words were dishonorable and in vain
their promise as solid as a fog

and where was your watchman then

I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian

you, you in the chaos feigning sane
You who has pushed beyond what’s humane
Them as the ghostly tumbleweed

And where was your watchman then

I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian

now no more smiling mid crestfall
No more managing unmanageables
No more holding still in the hailstorm

Now enter your watchwoman

I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian

I Left My Heart in San Francisco

I've written in recent blogs how I fall in love with the first pretty girl who smiles at me lately.  I do.  I guess I'm just lonely and confused.  I've never really been single.  For as often as I fall in love, I do want to be single.  It is important that I be for a while.  I can never rely on someone to take care of me ever again in any form.

I have to be 100% self efficient.  I really enjoy and love my female friends.  They really do help me in times of need.  I hate being so needy! I know in the part of my mind that holds reality that a relationship is not really something that makes sense - for any of us.  It's just who couldn't fall in love with these beautiful and kind ladies.  They all have there own set of circumstances that don't make a relationship between us feasible.  I will always respect there friendships more than anything.   I guess that's a relationship!

I was always in love with Susan when I was clean.  We were always best friends.  In some ways, since she is still in San Francisco, she still kind of is.  I guess I know I'm losing that.  

I couldn't stay clean.  I lusted for the darkness of crystal meth and Susan had to throw me out and divorce me.  She moved on.  I still held on once I got clean again - then she got pregnant and married.

Now, it's the next pretty girl that smiles at me.  It is more than that.  I do love these ladies. What little I have known them, they have all been there for me to some extent.  It all matters.  I'm pretty messed up in the head.  I'm trying to make sense. 

I also love many of the guys in the program.  However my female friends being female does makes a difference.  When it comes down to it, I know I need to be single for a while.   

I appreciate what I have with my female friends.  I'm trying to be brutally honest for all the right reasons, but I want to respect others feelings and privacy.   This blog seems to be something.  I have to remain focused on what it really is. It's not about me.

I have recently realized that the love of my life seems to be San Francisco.  "She" and I have a very turbulent relationship.  She is beautiful and kind.  She makes me cry and She makes me laugh.  She makes me smile.  She is brutally honest.  She cares about so many.  She takes in everyone.    She is sexy.  She can be very naughty.  She, as I have said in the past, is Heaven and hell on earth.  Sounds like a love affair.

Susan used to say years ago that when I died here, she might write a book called, "I left my heart in San Francisco"  That always made me sad.  For now, I'll keep my heart in San Francsico!  I love Her.  I think She loves me.  I owe Her a lot.  I plan on  doing a lot for Her. 

I want to live on a boat!   Or, maybe I'll be fortunate enough to have a place with a view like the home I was in today.  Surfer dude and I had to drive to Diamond Heights to pick up some donations.  As usual, it was a beautiful day in my city by the bay.  We ended up helping the guy who coordinates the donations from the grocery store, move a table at his home in Twin Peaks. I didn't realize we'd be going to his awesome home!

View from his Twin Peaks porch

His porch!

From Diamond Heights

Not sure what's up with the Hawaiian dancers, but there are some nice scenery shots in this video.  Many of the scenes actually make me sad - especially of the Golden Gate Bridge and Coit Tower.  It's still a beautiful city.

The loveliness of Paris seems somehow sadly gay
The glory that was Rome is of another day
I've been terribly alone and forgotten in Manhattan
I'm going home to my city by the Bay

I left my heart in San Francisco
High on a hill, it calls to me
To be where little cable cars climb halfway to the stars
The morning fog may chill the air, I don't care

My love waits there in San Francisco
Above the blue and windy sea
When I come home to you, San Francisco
Your golden sun will shine for me

 

Call me Maybe

Okay, so I'm writing my blog on my laptop.  I spoke to Jonathon today and ask that he give me a few days.  I really am trying to get some things done.  I need to get Reuben and Cersie a foster situation more than anything!  It's getting kind of desperate.  I'm at Susan's now.  The house is getting full of boxes.  She's out to dinner with friends.  I just really needed to check my email this evening.  Last night she sent out a bunch of requests to animal rescue organizations.  She is so busy!  I am trying help.  They are my cat's.  Jonathon suggested Trudy.  I told him we talked about it, but Cerise has struggled with other cats we fostered and Trudy has a cat.  

I figured I'd write a quick blog.  I will continue to blog.  I'll do it from the library for a couple of months.   I'll probably write in the learning center again and post them at the library.  It kind of sucks, but rules are rules.  

I was fortunate enough to get to openly bend the rules as long as a I have.   I didn't really have it at CityTeam, unless I was working on it for Jonathon.  I usually left it at Susan's.  I'd pick it up and go to Brainwash.  When Susan is gone, I'd have to keep it at CityTeam.  I have always kept it out in the open.  Thankfully the blog is caught up.

I felt bad today.  I think I upset Jonathon by threatening to leave.  I love Jonathon.  He is a really good person.  I promised him I would not use this computer after I try to take care of a couple of things.  I also promised him I wasn't going to leave.  I guess I'll put it my storage unit.  Maybe I'll let CityTeam keep it, I don't know yet.  Mr. Ed knew I was upset with him.  He said, "You know I love you."  I do.  It's not really all wrong.

I told them yesterday that this blog mattered to people.  Thank you for the overwhelming response and support again.  My number one fan and self proclaimed "stalker" took it a step further!  She found a way to email Jonathon directly!  He said, "Who is (her name)?  She emailed me!"  I got a great laugh out of that!  Thank you so much.  I think it just help support what I was trying to get across.  In fact, Mr. Ed said, "We didn't say you have to stop blogging!"  I won't.  It will be less and that's good.  It may just be posted less.  This blog is good.  Rules are rules.  It's all going to be fine.  Other guys made it clear to me in a considerate way, "They'd like their laptops."    I get it. 

I won't be able to use my camera because I need my laptop.  Kind of like a paintbrush needs a canvas if that makes sense.  They said, I couldn't have my laptop even for downloading the photos on it.  Perhaps I was being dramatic by saying they were taking my camera from me.  I guess I feel they kind of  are.  My ability to take photos has been taken away.  I'll live.  I have plenty to do.  I'll do it.  The bike, I have no idea what they're talking about with that.  That was Mr. Ed's babbling again.  I'll pretend I didn't hear that.  I don't see why I can't have my bike.  Either way, I'll run more. By then end of this next 2 months or so, my goal is to be able to run to the Golden Gate Bridge and back without stopping - about ten miles round trip.  My ribs seemed to have healed enough to resume doing sit ups again.  I'm going to get into even better shape.  That makes me feel good.

Trudy said in a comment, "I'm sure that God will work it to the Good for you."  She's right.  It really does work that way.  I already see it.  It is a good thing.  I want to spend more time with The King and The Prince and a lot of the guys.   I really love those young guys.  Even Rudy and I had a good laugh last night.   I do have a lot of work to do also.  I am also helping Susan move.  There is a lot on my plate and minimizing this is important.  It does create a nice distraction from the insanity sometimes.  It won't completely go away.

I did find myself looking for a certain someone on here a lot lately - let's call her "Loveland".  That's not all bad.  In fact, it feels all good.  It is what it is.  She helped me.  She said I helped her.  That's what good friends are supposed to do for each other.

This morning in process group, Rudy pulled up a chair so I could sit next to him.  When we went around the room sharing our two feelings one of Rudy's was "Lovestruck".  Which I was planning on using!  I said I was, "Frustrated and Lovestruck."  (What's new)  People quickly figured Rudy and I out.  I said, "Were like an old married couple!"

As far as communicating with Loveland, even though I knew her a long time ago - for all intensive purposes we just kind of met again.  I do consider her to be a friend and would like to stay communicating with her.  So, I told her, "Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, so here's my number, so call me maybe."  (I don't have a number, but I am waiting for Susan at Susan's)  Later she'd give me hers.  She said:

Call whenever dave ! Yes really. Call me maybe.

This is crazy

But here's my #

We are dorks. Talk soon. 

We are.  So later that morning I was once again "driving" in sit still downtown San Francisco early morning traffic (and loving it).  I was with a new guy from Las Vegas.  We were talking a lot and the radio was off.  Then I dropped him off to run and pick up donations from one of the Chipotles on Market Street and I circled the block.  That song was instantly in my head.  I thought, "I wonder if I have a radio station set that song would be on?  I searched around finally realizing I don't have any poppy stations set.  Apparenty I left it on ALICE 97.3 (which I guess is a little poppy).  About ten seconds later:

I threw a wish in the well, Don't ask me, I'll never tell I looked to you as it fell, And now you're in my way
I'd trade my soul for a wish, Pennies and dimes for a kiss I wasn't looking for this, But now you're in my way
Your stare was holdin', Ripped jeans, skin was showin' Hot night, wind was blowin' Where you think you're going, baby?
Hey, I just met you, And this is crazy, But here's my number, So call me, maybe?
It's hard to look right, At you baby, But here's my number, So call me, maybe?
Hey, I just met you, And this is crazy, But here's my number, So call me, maybe?
And all the other boys, Try to chase me, But here's my number, So call me, maybe?
You took your time with the call, I took no time with the fall You gave me nothing at all, But still, you're in my way
I beg, and borrow and steal Have foresight and it's real I didn't know I would feel it, But it's in my way
Your stare was holdin', Ripped jeans, skin was showin' Hot night, wind was blowin' Where you think you're going, baby?
Hey, I just met you, And this is crazy, But here's my number, So call me, maybe?
It's hard to look right, At you baby, But here's my number, So call me, maybe?
Hey, I just met you, And this is crazy, But here's my number, So call me, maybe?
And all the other boys, Try to chase me, But here's my number, So call me, maybe?
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad I missed you so bad I missed you so, so bad
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad And you should know that I missed you so, so bad
It's hard to look right, At you baby, But here's my number, So call me, maybe?
Hey, I just met you, And this is crazy, But here's my number, So call me, maybe?
And all the other boys, Try to chase me, But here's my number, So call me, maybe?
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad I missed you so bad I missed you so, so bad
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad And you should know that
So call me, maybe?

Faith

Rudy and I made up a long time ago, but I still had to be in the office today.  Basically it turned into "I was not around enough" and "I talk too much" and "I can't have my computer or my camera or my bike".  

I told them I may leave the program.  I told them they were wrong to take those things.  Those things actually give me something to feel good about myself for.  People tell me this blog helps them.  They don't get it.  

Rules are rules.  I do get that. I do more for CityTeam than most people there.  Including work on the computer and ph0tography.  It's just tiring to explain. 

I am now the full time driver and I am the Lead three nights a week.  Other peoples job is for instance Lead 2 nights a week.  That's all.  Driving is really demanding.  Then there is the program I work.  I also facilitate about 4 or 5 groups.  Most of guys there talk to me and care about me a lot and they are not annoyed with me.  

It is the very few who talk to much themselves about nothing who constantly give me shit about it.  The truth is, I don't even really talk that much anymore.  I did a lot in the beginning.  I needed an outlet.  This is it - not CityTeam.

The people who say I talk to much just wont' let go of something to give me shit about.  Even "Mr Ed" the staff guy.  It's really him.  He's the one who pretty much likes to say I talk to much.  He loves to be sarcastic all the time when I am being serious.  I just don' get it.  He said, "When everyone your with and 140 kids say you talk to much you need to look at that."  No Mr Ed, you need to look at that.   Those kids loved talking to me.  It was ONLY Rudy.  Yeah, listen to him.  John told me "the three guys".  That wasn't even true.

When I repeated to Mr. Ed that, "not all those people said that" he said, "I never said that".  He did.  In the office.  

So I had a chance to point blank in the office ask Surfer Dude and The King.  Did I talk to much?  Did I bother you?  Did you go to John about it?  "No."  I'm so tired.

I will shut up.  I promise.  I already do and people always say, "What's up man?"  Can I answer?  I was told to quit playing the victim role.  Then leave me alone when I'm trying to be nice or help someone and it requires I speak.

I've been through a lot.  I needed somewhere get this out.  CityTeam is not that place.  I will make it through this and be stronger for it.  When I use to shoot speed, I wouldn't talk for days.  Susan would get so mad.  She'd say, "Say something!" or "Answer me"  I was so stuck in my head.  That's what I really do this for and why I also talk a lot.  

I'll probably run 20 miles a day now - if that's okay!

Sorry everyone.  Thank you.  I'll miss a lot of you.  I'm told I can use the computer at the library.  Thanks.  I probably will.

Pain, come no more
Don't you come knockin' on my door
Love, dry your tears
You have lived a life way beyond your years (TRUE!) 
And faith, when you're gone
All my demons and my devils
They do me wrong
And faith, you let your light shine through
Let a ray of hope surround me
Just don't think I can make it without you
Hey faith, don't let me down
Let me know when I come back
She'll be around
'Cause I've been burned, a time or two
If she left me Lord, I don't know what I'd do
And faith, when you're gone
All my demons and my devils they
Do me oh so wrong
And faith, you let your light shine through
You let a ray of hope surround me
Just don't think I can make it without you
In the morning you know
I wake up with the dawn
Everyday, there's a way
You know I got to carry on
To know the way
And take the road of right and wrong
And keep faith in my heart
Just keep faith in your heart
Pain, come no more
Don't you come knockin' on my door
Love, please be strong
'Cause I need the peace of mind
To carry on
And faith, when you're gone
All my devils, all my demons,
You know, they do me wrong
And faith, you let your light shine true
You let a ray of hope surround me
You came back home and found me
Searching for the love I never knew

God is the Truth

I hate crystal meth.  It is pure evil.  I'm sitting here at the Brainwash while one my old friends is losing his mind on facebook.  He keeps sending me messages about absolute insanity asking me to "help him" and "get this guy" and "get the cops".  I keep getting that sound you get when you get a message and the messages are his rants and raves.

I have 120 days clean today.  It's the longest I've been clean since I was 12.  My life is a fucked up mess.  I hate that drug.  It ruined a lot.  My head hurts.  I did go to a meeting tonight and I needed it.  I responded to my old friend  a couple of times by telling him I didn't think I could help him and that maybe he should get his head together before he deals with some guy that stole something valuable from him.  I told him he knew where to find us.  He responded:

"I AM NEVER COMING BACK , I HATE THOSE HYPOCRITICAL GOSSIPERS IN THOSE MEETING"

Suave also relapsed and lost his mind.  It was really ugly.  I know we didn't get along, but I still cared about the guy.

 

I hate that drug.  It is evil.

I used to write this blog when I was tweaking sometimes years ago.  I started writing this blog in 2006.  I wrote this below on May 26, 2008.  I guess it wasn't completely insane:

Unfortunately, I relapsed again but this time is the last because I am certain of God.  Not only am I certain of God, I am certain that Hell exists.  I have been shown a little bit of both and I know exactly where I want to end up at the end of my life and I also have idea of what I need to do to get there.

The most important things are to be a good person and to believe that God is the Truth.  It is impossible for me to be perfect, because I am human.  All I can do is try and if unsuccessful, ask for forgiveness.

I am certain that evil exists, because every time I relapse it is present.  This means that crystal meth is of course evil.  This does not mean that there are not many other evil things on this earth but it is the one that has taken me to hell.  I am not crazy.  This is all real.  Heaven and Hell are real.  I promise.  I know it with all of my heart.  

Most people will likely not do the things I have done in life that have taken to hell.  As a result, they may not put much thought into God.  Some will understand and actually choose evil.  It can be tricky.  But, it is important to follow one’s heart.  I guess more important than anything is to trust that God is the Truth.  We must believe.  We must live an honest life.  I am a good person, but my life has been anything but honest.  I felt by sharing all of my Truths that would make everything okay.  While it was in fact important that I did this, it is more important that I live a good life for the rest of my life.

I am not sure if I want to go on and on about exactly what happened this last relapse, but I know that I saw hell again and I saw Heaven again.  I saw Heaven only because I am married to an Angel.  Evil does not want me to be with that Angel, because evil knows that we need each other.  I am certain of that.

These days have been long and I really need some time to quiet my mind and find peace once again so I am going to keep this short.  I would like to share a few of photos I took on Sunday that will help make it certain that I never relapse again for the rest of my life.  Please, look at them closely.

I am beginning to know the way.  The rest of my life I will do all I can to share that way with others so that we can all get there.  I have been blessed enough to be shown a little bit of Heaven, and it was the most amazing thing I have seen and felt in my entire life.  God is the Truth; Jesus Christ is the Way.

That tall building to the right is the San Francisco Federal Building which Susan and lived right next to.  It was, of course, New World Order Headquarters back then.