My life seems to be getting easier. I feel pretty good today. Things are starting to really work out. I set up my small display at Fisherman's Wharf today. It was a good day. Especially now that I don't really need that much to live on. I always set the bar higher in the past for many reasons. I guess I compared what I made to others or what I made at The Chronicle or...who knows? Now, I just want to pay the rent - which isn't much. I'm pretty happy. And I'm pretty healthy! I went to the doctor yesterday and got lots of tests back. I have no STD's, and I'm HIV and Hep C negative. And, my very cute doctor told that my MSRA is not something I need to really worry about. I had gotten some conflicting info about it. Some of it was also based on my situation years ago. She said, years ago when my doctor told me if I got it again it couldn't be treated and I could die was probably because my immune system was in such bad shape. Back then, I was getting those infections often and really having trouble fighting them. I was a huge and pathetic mess at times in my life. I always figured my doctor was just trying to scare me back then so I would stop using. You think? Either way, my doctor said if I even got an infection today my body would be healthy enough to fight it. She said I was in better shape than any of her patients. Her saying that just made her even cuter! Let's not forget, she is a doctor at a clinic where a lot of homeless people go, so it's probably not saying much about the shape I'm in. I do feel in the best shape of my life in many ways. I started going there when I was homeless. Her working at such a place just makes her sweeter! She is really nice. She always makes me do that cough thing....That's a bad joke. I do have to go back a few more times soon. I do have some issues. I am getting old and I was hard on myself. Apparently, I do have nerve damage and I also have arthritis really bad in my shoulder and neck. Those are managable things though. My arm does really hurt - especially when I exert myself by doing things like pushing that heavy cart. Which makes my discovery today that much better. I was very successful at the Wharf with my small set up which weighs about half as much on my smaller cart I used today. It was like taking a walk by comparison!
I can also set up with my small set up downtown or the Ferry Building for that matter. I am not constrained my the time constraints of my storage facility either. This means I can get rid of the one downtown storage space. Before I do, I will give it some time. I do realize that the Blue Angels are in town which is why I set up there in the first place. However, my sales were not just Blue Angel photos and the Blue Angel photos always sell anyway. Plus, I have frames now. That turns at least half of my $25 sales into $40 sales. My first customer to buy a frame today was from where? NYC - of course!
I can stay longer and work Sundays and not stress about getting back before my storage closes and the wharf lottery is at 9:00AM instead of 6:00 AM and it's really chill and.... I just feel pretty good about things. I got some nice shots of those aerial planes while working today too!
I actually like the Wharf. It reminds me a little of Gatlinburg sometimes, but it's still cool. Like I didn't got to Gatlingburg all the time! Hey, they both have Ripley's believe it or Not Museums. I think Gatlinburg even has a Hard Rock Cafe these days! Terrorists (i.e. - Tourists)! They pay my rent! The Wharf is pretty much all Tourists actually. I kind of like having locals as customers. I can still go to the Ferry Building with my small set up. And, I like tourists!
I used to sell at the Wharf all the time. It reminds of my early days as a street artists. It also reminds me of Susan. That part is kind of hard. I've been missing her lately. I took a lot of photos today to pass the time - when I wasn't selling something!
I also read a book. I was happy today.
Now that I can work all the time, I can unleash my other addiction - work! I do get that way. I can stay all night if I want! Hey it beats wandering into the Lusty Lady at night. I wish one of the Lusty Ladies would wander into my place and stay all night with me! Seem work is a better addiction. Meth addiction just doesn't work for me - AT ALL. Sex addiction is best with two and that's just not happening. Work addiction I can do alone! Perhaps I should wander into more recovery meetings. Actually, I will. I will have more time. I'll keep my stuff at my place, which means no more cross town commute to my storage unit and then to the Ferry Building. Traffic is horrible - even on a bike. I'll save a lot of time and energy and money. I was really wearing myself out. And, I was in pain - I still am.
The guys who work at my stotage unit are always so concerned about me. I show up an exhausted sweating mess! It's actually be hot for San Francisco lately. The last time I was there the guy said, "You're going to kill yourself." I laughed and he said, "No, literally, you're going to kill yourself!" If running thought hell didn't kill me..... It'll still be nice to take it a little easier.
I learned at the doctor yesterday that I lost five pounds in the past 3 weeks. I like that. Susan always told me I'm anorexic. She's wrong, - I'm fat. That's suppose to be a joke, but I did want to lose ten pounds. I lost 5. I know it's from pushing that cart! I plan to start running again. I want to weigh 145. Maybe even 140. Before I went into rehab I was at about 130. Hopefully, I've gained some in muscle. Who cares? Me I guess. I don't even have a scale. Do I sound like a woman? Do women hate me now? Actually, I am borderline anemic. My iron is very low in my blood. I was annemic as kid. It's probably my diet, but she wants me to come back and do more tests in month. "Cough please." That's ridiculous. I feel happy so I make stupid jokes that probably don't even make sense in writing anyway! Being happy makes me want to be sad. I have reason. It's about Susan and the past, but I'd rather not go there. Briefly, I'll say this new neighborhood I love so much meant a lot to both of us. This just makes me sad, so I want to change the subject. I love Cafe Greco. It's a nice place to hang out. I kind of just got lost in my head for a bit. I just sat here staring. Things have been hard, but I keep doing the next right thing - most of the time. I've had some set backs, but I've been honest about it. I've told the truth. I've worked hard. I've had faith, I've let go.... It really all does matter. My addiction caused a lot of damage which does make me sad. I created a lot of pain. This is supposed to be a happy blog!
I love so many people. So many people have looked to me for something recently. This means a lot to me. I hate that people are struggling, but I'm glad I can be there to the ones who have turned to me. That's what this is all supposed to b about in some ways anyway. So many are still there for me, including the ones who look to me - if that makes sense. Please know, a lot of us do struggle. That's why we need God. Actually, to me all this - is God! Speaking of God, should I tell this story? I don't want to offend anyone - especially Jesus. It's just the facts as they happen. Is it wrong that I laughed? I think God has sense of humor.... Here it goes. The other day I wrote that blog, Promised Land, about sidewalk messages and meeting Elvis Christ. Yesterday morning, Gina and I were walking down the street and we saw this one:
It's horrible I know, but it made me laugh. The real reason I tell the story however is after Gina and I laughed about it, she said something like, "...you're religious." It cracks me up when people say that. I said, "No I'm not." She looked at me like I was crazy. She said, "You quote The Bible...." I said, "True, but I also quote The Grateful Dead." In fact, my blogs always have a song, but they don't always have a bible verse. I do believe The Bible is divinely inspired, but I also believe the Qur'an is devinely inspired. And, art! Art is as much my God as anyting. The bottom line, I do believe in God. And, the sidewalk messages have spoken to me in some crazy ways. Crazy DARK ways. Evils ways. Really evil. Really Good also sometimes. The above one just made me laugh at the time, but there have been some biblical ones in the past in my path that scared me and hurt me. I promise you I wasn't always laughing at them. One year ago this week the darkness began getting as dark as ever for me. I know this because it was the weekend of the Blue Angels. I was warned. I was warned. I was warrned. The Voices became more than voices. "...you who rise and takes its shape..." Let's not go there. It is the past. It was so dark. It was undeniably real. And yet here I sit today. Life is beautiful. My darkness left scars, but life if beautiful. Without all that, would there be all this? I have no idea but God is beautiful. Sorry about the Jesus thing. It was just so timely to what I had just written the night before. What does it say about sidewalk messages? I have no idea. I make this blog silly, but this Good and evil stuff is really serious for me. It needs to be. However, being on the Good side makes life fun. The Good voices even laughed at me sometimes when I was on the dark side. They always had a better time than me in the end! I can laugh today. I can smile today. I love God today. I mean that. Whether I'm insane or not doesn't matter to me - I mean that. I know what I know.
I believe in Jesus in many ways. I believe in Mohammad in many ways. I believe in Jerry Garcia in many ways. Jesus was a big one I think. He may have been God in some ways. I started reading The Bible again last night. I told Susan what Gina said and she said, "You are San Francisco religious." I'm not religious! I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being religious either. I attend a Christian Church I guess. I've been to a lot more concerts. I just don't want to be a part of any one religion or none. Sometimes I just write things. This blog got confusing. Let's here a song about jet airplanes. I have no idea where to find the lyrics to this one. KFOG played as I left my room to come to Cafe Greco and all's I knew is I had a blog title. Thanks God.
Is there anything to the fact that the name of this band is The "THREE" O'clock?
For years I have wandered the streets of San Francisco reading all those 'divinely inspired' sidewalk messages. So many times they would speak exactly to what I was thinking or what the voices in my head were saying. Sometimes they were written permanently in the sidewalk. Sometimes they were written in chalk or another less permanent form. So many times they really spoke to me in ways I could never deny. It was the permanent ones that made me realize the existence of an actual concept I refer to as "space-time!"
Last night I caught one of those sidewalk messengers in action! His name is Elvis Christ. I knew it was something divinely inspired!
I shared with Elvis Christ how many times The Universe had communicated with me during my lost "wanderings" over the years. He gave full credit to God for the messages that come out of him. He said he just tried to add some comedy to it all because he figured "...when we made it to the Pearly Gates we should all be smiling!" Elvis Christ is a deadhead who is friends with the guy who was The Grateful Dead's personal chef. I guess that guy also lives in North Beach.
I'm loving my new neighborhood. North Beach is pretty cool. I just have to look past all the titty bars. I was never a titty bar kind of person anyway. I prefer a relationship to go along with the titties. Aren't I so romantic? I'll bet the ladies are lining up now. Am I digressing? Seriously though. Yeah right!
Seriously though, it is a cool neighborhood. I also found my new "Brainwash". It's called Cafe Greco. It's an Italian Cafe - of course. Last night they had open mic. It was a lot of fun. That's where I am now. I'm sure I'll hang out here. It beats hanging out at titty bars! That's not even what the Lusty Lady really is, but that's not really important I guess. Now I want to go to one! See how messed up my mind is. I won't. I mean that.
I guess my landlord is going to give me an applications to stay long term. I'll have to jump through some hoops for my little piss in the sink roach hotel above the Garden of Eden, but I'd like to stay a while. I like North Beach. I think this place is going to be fun. Life!
Oh yeah, I had a really good day today out there selling my photos. One of my best customers was from Cincinnati. He was gay, so that's probably why. Actually he lives in Chicago now. I'm sorry, but most Cincinnatian's don't usually end up buying from me - unless of course they are gay. I'm being kind of silly, but gay men are good customers. Geographically it's San Franciscans, New Yorkers and Southern Californians who usually buy from me. I met three people from Cincinnati today. The gay guy bought three of my photos! It was a busy and good day.
I had another woman from Nashville buy three of my photos as well. She was absolutely gorgeous. Short shorts and high heals. Probably tacky but hot! Actually, hot women are also good customers. She once lived in San Francisco and is trying to move back. She was here interviewing. I told her to be sure to stop and visit if she gets the job. Seriously!
The gay guy lived here once before too. I really can't tell, but I figure he was probably attractive too. It seems most gay men are - at least that's what a lot of women say. It's not like I can't tell to some degree, but I'm just not attracted to men.
I sometimes wish I were attracted to men. It would probably be a bad thing for that addiction. So many gay men seem to be attracted to me. Maybe they are just men about it. I wish I weren't SOOOO attracted to women. It is just to much for me sometimes. I got real issues there! Or, I wish they were as willing to sleep with me so I could just un-cage that addiction! I guess it's a lust thing. Am I digressing again?
I actually sometimes get a slight sensation that I just shot up just by seeing a beautiful woman. Seriously - it hit's me in the heart like that. Am I really messed up?
Perhaps I just had a little diarrhea of the fingers. Perhaps I should pay attention to one of Elvis Christ's messages:
However, I think my readers know what I live by by now:
Being brutally honest about how screwed up I am actually does seem to help. It has in fact been my "escape route" sometimes. I just need to behave. Telling on myself seems to help me do that. I think I know in my own heart and soul what is right and what is wrong for me. That just goes for me. I'll never comment on what behavior is right and wrong for others. That's not totally true. Honesty, Forgiveness, Kindness, Patience.... Those kind of behavior's I may promote. Whether or not a titty bar is right for you, well that's up to you. And, I digress. What about this behavior? "Piggish" comedy if you will? It should be a good week. The Blue Angels get here tomorrow. I'm going to work at Fisherman's Wharf Thursday through Sunday, since that's where most of the crowds gather during Fleet Week. Tomorrow, my "day off", I have to go pick up a lot of supplies. I signed up for Zipcar so I could go to South San Francisco and pick up some frames and photo mattes. I also have to go to my storage units, get my umbrella and move some things to my room in North Beach. I guess I should note I have to go to the doctor tomorrow also to get lots of tests results back. They will be what they will be. I'm not really worried - as long as I don't think about it!
When I first became a street artist I worked at Fisherman's Wharf. I eventually outgrew it. My display will have to be much smaller there, but this might actually be a good thing for a while. I may stay small if things go well. It will give me a lot more freedom and flexibility. Plus, North Beach is right in the middle of the three places I can set up shop - The Ferry Building, the Powell Street Cable Car turnaround and Fisherman's Wharf.
For now, I'm going to at least set up at Fisherman's Wharf to sell my Blue Angel photos I took during years past. Most of the past years during Fleet Week when I had chance to set up and sell, I would relapse. I just love blowing big opportunities. That won't happen this time. I'm enjoying my time in The Promised Land!
Elvis Christ Lives!
I left my home in Norfolk Virginia
California on my mind
I straddled that Greyhound
And rode into Raleigh
And on across Caroline
We had motor trouble that turn into a struggle
Halfway across Alabam'
And that hound broke down and left us all stranded
In downtown Birmingham
Right away I brought me a through train ticket
Ridin' across Mississippi clean
And I was on that midnight flyer out of Birmingham
Smoking into New Orleans
Somebody help me get out of Louisiana
Just to help me get to Houston Town
There are people there who care a little about me
And they won't let the poor boy down
Sure as you're born brought me a silk suit
Put luggage in my hand
And I woke up high over Alberquerque
On a jet to the promised land
Working on a T-bone steak a la carte
Flying over to the golden state
Ah when the pilot told us in thirteen minutes
He would set us at the terminal gate
Swing low chariot come down easy
Taxi to the terminal zone
Cut your engines and cool your wings
And let me make it to the telephone
Los Angeles give me Norfolk Virginia
Tidewater four ten o nine
Tell the folks back home this is the promised land calling
And the poor boy is on the line
Working on a T-bone steak a la carte
Flying over to the golden state
Ah when the pilot told us in thirteen minutes
He would set us at the terminal gate
Swing low chariot come down easy
Taxi to the terminal zone
Cut your engines and cool your wings
And let me make it to the telephone
Los Angeles give me Norfolk Virginia
Tidewater four ten o nine
Tell the folks back home this is the promised land calling
And the poor boy is on the line
I had another zero day. That's two in as many weeks! I think I had two in a lifetime up until the past two weeks! There are obvious reasons. I only get to be out there about 6 hours a day and I miss one of the busy times - 4:00 to 6:00 PM. I'm paying my rent. I have good days. I have some ideas as well. Life's good.
Actually, today wasn't a complete zero. I got a chicken sandwich! I got that as I was packing up to leave. These two older gentlemen who were talking to me earlier in the day brought it to me. We had talked for a while (as I've been known to do). At some point they asked me about "how business was" and I made a comment that, "It was slower than when I was out here in 2010...." They asked, "Where" I had been. I of course told them. At the end of the day, they brought me a chicken sandwich! They said they were thinking about me after we talked. I really wasn't fishing for chicken, but I ate it! I just tell The Truth. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not embarrassed by my past either - well most of it. There were times when my behavior was, well, embarrassing. That just kind of goes with the territory of addiction. If anything, what I really want people to do when I tell my story is see others who are in my situation currently as human beings who deserve hope. So many people help me. To me, it's a God thing to me. And still, sometimes - I go astray. I do things like - wonder into The Lusty Lady.... That's what made me want to shoot up last week. That's just The Truth. Should that be capitalized in this instance? That woman was beautiful in that private little show. Is this the kind of Truth God appreciates? I have no idea. Is it wrong for everyone to go into the Lusty Lady, including the Lusty Ladies? I have no idea. Was it wrong for me. It made me want to shoot up, so, I'd say, "Yeah". I think it was because I have shot up in that place before. Those type of places are really nasty anyway.
Maybe if I went into the more traditional strip joints, I'd be okay. I bet I could do that. I could order a fancy cocktail. I bet I could even start shooting up socially. Maybe, they'll let me shoot up at the bar. Bottom line - STAY OUT OF ALL STRIP JOINTS! ESPECIALLY THE LUSTY LADY! There's The Truth. It's not very attractive. She was. Man. Enough! A needle in my arm won't make me attractive. In fact, it might make me dead. It will make me insane. It won't make me sexy. I'd feel sexy, but I woudn't be sexy. I'd be a tweaked out mess in hell. DO NOT FORGET THIS FACT. Thank you terror....Thank you consequence....thank you clarity. These things are actually pretty powerful for my recovery. Thank U. Actually, I have kind of started searching for that big guy in the sky a little more lately. I like to turn my back. Take back my will. Have doubts. Lose faith. I don't know why because God is so amazing really. I know this.
I had a friend who is a street artist ask if he could go to church with me. I was very happy for this! We went and the sermon really spoke to both of us in so many ways. I knew what he was going through and I knew it was speaking to him. Afterward, he said it was very emotional for him. As I have written, it is that for me all the time. God is amazing. I get exactly what I need as i need it. The bible verse at church was surrounding Matthew 5:3: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" I was recently one who lost everything and was very poor in spirit. I had to become very humble and in many ways believe it is because of this that I may be enheriting the Kingdom of Heaven. I must remain in faith. My life is pretty beautiful. I work hard and have just enough to get by, but I get everything I need as I need it. I am so grateful for what little I have. That chicken sandwich was good! I'm a freegan you know. Thanks Gina - I love that term! Or perhaps I should thank...
Since I have been on my on own, I have been eating more vegetarian. My soul will not allow my to purchase meat. For one, I like animals. The main reason however, is Susan. It meant way to much to her and she saved my life. For me to do something that would kill an animal would just be wrong. That's just for me. I do love the taste of meat. If it is given to me, I will eat it. I don't want it to go to waste. I will not however purchase meat for the rest of my life. This I have vowed. I sure fucked up those other vows! That was drug related. It still hurts. A lot sometimes. Yesterday was so beautiful. I spent it with my new BFF - Richard, Matt Nathanson, Alanis Morrissette and a few thousand others at Golden Gate Park. Richard has been very good to me lately. He really has been a good friend. We had a great time. We had to sneak into a free concert! We got there at 1:00 and they said it was too crowded and there wasn't enough water. This bummed us out, but we stuck around the gate and Richard heckled the cops. I made a comment that "we were powerless". Richard didn't like this way of thinking for our situation. Neither did I really but I figured we just wouldn't be getting in. A large crowd started to leave, the cops looked the other way, there was a crack in the barricades and through the gate I slipped with Richard following. I hate being powerless sometimes! DAVE AND RICHARDS WILL WIN! It really wasn't that crowded and Richard brought water! We had a good time. We got really close too. I think we could thank the crowd control for that! It's not like being clean makes me perfect.
The encore was of course - Thank U.
how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo
thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time
thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down
how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping
thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
I took today off. I feel like a bum, but I think it was a good idea. I have actually been working one way or another every day, including today really, for a while now. I have not worked as much today. I have also been moving - for like two months! I went to a recovery meeting at noon today. I had to. I will go to another tonight. I've been neglecting them a bit. I've been going to them, but not every day. It's said that anything put in front of recovery will be lost. I can attest to this. If I use, I will lose everything. I've worked too hard for this to happen. What I do is very demanding. I love it a lot, but it is demanding. When I say I work 5 days a week, that's not really true, because I have to work on my "off" days. Don't get me wrong, I love every part about what I do, but it can be hard. I like this kind of hard. I was so tired last night. I found myself resorting to old addict behavior. Let's just leave it at that. Old addict behavior had me wanting to shoot up pretty badly.
When I was looking for my own place, I purposefully avoided certain neighborhoods because of all the drugs that would be present. My second "drug" of choice is very present all over this neighborhood. It's the suggestion that get's to me a little. I tried to get a place in Chinatown, but could not. It's not like sex isn't all over Chinatown too. I didn't use drugs and that matters. I need to refocus on my recovery. I get lonely in my little room. I should probably stay out of the neighborhood bars. I'll be glad when I get approved to stay in my new place and I can get internet access. That will help a lot. For now, I found a nice little and more affordable coffee shop in the neighborhood. It's called Brioche Bakery. It's safe for me. They are really nice to me here also. The beautiful thing about this recovery stuff is I get my life back. The hard part about this recovery stuff is I get my life back. I am who I am. I have my vices. I went to sleep at 9:00 last night and slept until almost 11:00 today! That's long for me. One thing I'm grateful for is I can sleep these days. That old addict behavior had me feeling a little hung over last night and today I must admit. I woke up feeling sick this morning and decided It'd be best to rest. I think it was those strong cravings that created such mental, physical and emotional stress that exhausted me. That feeling of tunnel vision was coming on again last night. Plus, my working hard lately had me tired. I push that heavy cart about two miles a day. I'm glad because I like the exercise, but I guess I was getting a little tired.
Something I was able to do today in my room that really helped me was pick up my guitar. The first song I played without even thinking about it was a song I have been playing with these guys I play with every Wednesday night. I really love the song a lot. It is beautiful. However, when I really listen to it's words, they are kind of haunting to me. I wrote a blog years ago about this song. It's words speak so true to where my using takes me. It felt like that's where I was heading last night in a place that was starting to feel like my own little HotEL CaLifornia.
"And still those voices were calling from far away."
On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim I had to stop for the night There she stood in the doorway; I heard the mission bell And I was thinking to myself, "This could be Heaven or this could be Hell" Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way There were voices down the corridor, I thought I heard them say...
Welcome to the Hotel California Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place) Such a lovely face Plenty of room at the Hotel California Any time of year (Any time of year) You can find it here
Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat. Some dance to remember, some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain, "Please bring me my wine" He said, "We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine" And still those voices are calling from far away, Wake you up in the middle of the night Just to hear them say...
Welcome to the Hotel California Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place) Such a lovely face They livin' it up at the Hotel California What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise) Bring your alibis
Mirrors on the ceiling, The pink champagne on ice And she said "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device" And in the master's chambers, They gathered for the feast They stab it with their steely knives, But they just can't kill the beast
Last thing I remember, I was Running for the door I had to find the passage back To the place I was before "Relax, " said the night man, "We are programmed to receive. You can check-out any time you like, But you can never leave! "
I was going to write. Then, I wasn't
going to write. Then, I decided I needed to take care of some of my
work, which I did. Then, I went to see if I could run into my new
friend, lets call her Erotic Russia. I guess I'm back to nicknames.
Can they really hurt?
I'm having trouble typing this. I was
so excited to write about all the good things that have been
happening in my life. I decided I would start using nicknames again
because I have met so many new cool people the past few days and I
thought they all deserved cool nicknames. I also thought this might
keep this blog less confusing. Most of them happen to be women –
go figure. Good looking women – go figure. Is there a woman of
any other type of woman in this city? Not really.
I went to that program I was in for a
recovery meeting tonight (9/17). I'm going to call that program Soul
Assistance. There is a reason of course. Even more than the
obvious. It was written in this blog months ago. I'm pretty sure I
wrote about it in Charlie and the Hot Chocolate Kids.
Basically, the night before I decided to see if Soul Assistance would
take me into the program, I found a book called Soul Assistance
and inside the cover was the actual name of the program. Seeing
this was my sign to try to get into the program - of course.
I'm so glad I did. This actually happened six months ago. I know
this because I have six months clean today. That's pretty amazing.
I wish I were happier today.
My friend died. I'm so tired of people
dying. I loved this guy. He gave me so much hope in people. He
spent some of his life in prison. I remember when they let him back
into Soul Assistance. I didn't yet know him, but some guys in the program said he was
a real hot head and I learned he got kicked out before for fighting. At the
time there were some hot heads in the program who were constantly
giving me grief so I thought, “Oh great, just what we
need – another hot head.” I
still tried not to pass any type of judgment based on what I had
heard of him or his past. I'd rather form my own opinion and even if
it were true, which in some ways it was, people can change. Even I
felt like a hot head in that program sometimes. I had to put up for
myself sometimes.
That man was one of
the kindest, gentlest souls to me I had ever met. He always called
me “brother.” His wife left him because of his drinking
at some point in his life. There were some who were sympathetic to
what I was going through, but no one like him. He always caught me
when I was stuck in my head and would call out from across the room
asking, “Are you alright brother?” He always let me know he knew
how I felt and that he was there for me and that he loved me.
You get close
to people when your fighting to get out of hell together. He was so
many good things. He lost to this fucking darkness of addiction. It
pisses me off.
He had
strong beliefs. For him it was Jesus. I have faith that this is a
good thing for him. I've talked about people bothering me with
their, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” talk, (I'm sorry Jesus.)
but, not this guy. This guy was real. He really tried to be "Christ-like". This guy was honest – even
about his brokenness. I believe that is exactly why he changed so
much – honesty. I admire him a lot.
I could tell lots
of good stories about this kind man. The first time we actually hung
out, he was still on restriction but was allowed to walk with me to
post this flier at YWAM (I'm just going to use their name – They
really saved my life!). We were walking and I was talking –
of course. He said, “You talk a lot brother.” I thought, “Oh
great.” I do. (I talk a lot less these days by the way) So I, of course, said nothing. A few minutes
later he said, “Now you're not going to say anything are you.”
We both laughed. It was the beginning of a good friendship.
I also
remember the last time I saw him. He had relapsed and was of course
exited and would not be getting another chance. I wasn't there when
It happened, (I was probably at Brainwash) but, I heard the event had
a little drama to it. Don't our relapses always? I was upset that he would not be there
anymore. The next day, he was sitting in the alley halfway between
Soul Assistance and Susan's (not everyone goes by nickname I guess).
He had no way to get home to San Jose. I asked Susan for $5.00 to
get him on a train. She of course agreed to help as that angel of a
woman always did. I made him promise me he would get on that train
to get to his family. He did promise and I'm pretty sure he did. I
hugged him and told him to take care of himself, get clean and come
visit - knowing I may never see him again. I can still see his smile.
It is what it is.
I have another
friend from Soul Assistance who's not doing so well and I'm worried
about him. I talked to him today because I'm his neighbor now (He lives about two blocks away).
There is hope for this kid. San
Francisco is no joke for people like us. I have told him this and
told him this. I think he's learning this now. For people who have
taken it as far as we have, it is life or death. Literally. Even when we are alive we are not really living. I will
try to make a difference in this young mans life. He made one in
mine. He spoke of his using out of loneliness. I get that.
Especially now that I have my own place. (I'll get to that.)
Addiction can be such a lonely disease – especially when we got and
drove away the ones who loved us. Many have loved me recently.
For that I am grateful.
While at Soul
Assistance tonight, I learned another graduate took his own life. I
hate to sound selfish, but at least I didn't actually know him
personally. Addiction is a dark disease.
I have my own place
now! I have six months clean today. I live on Broadway in North
Beach. North Beach is a really cool neighborhood. It is San
Francisco's Little Italy and I am also a block away from Chinatown.
It's going to be interesting for me to live on the street I do. I
live above The Garden of Eden.
“They say the neon lights are
bright, on Broadway!”
How ironic is that.
While it was probably more about this blog than anything it was my
taking a bite of that "forbidden fruit" that is what really got the
ball rolling for me to get exited from that Christian program. It was my
decision to be with My Little Dark Angel (I changed her nickname. I
actually like Dark Angels.) that led to the other chain of events
that led me to where I am today – Shangri-La?
I have to finish
this tomorrow. I'm tired. I think I'll sleep naked – because I
can. Too much information? You have no idea what's it's like to have privacy after a
year and and half of living on the street or with people. You'd
probably want to sleep naked too. Perhaps I'm inspired to do so by
all the strip clubs and Exotic Russia's photos. I met another
photographer in North Beach last night. I thought about writing
earlier but decided I should look for her instead. I found her.
I'll
write about her tomorrow. I'm going to bed – clean again! 6
months clean! Thank you God. Now I feel like I need to
keep my clothes on.
(TWO DAYS LATER -
9/19)
So it's Wednesday
now. I'm at the laundry mat. I love my new neighborhood. I live at
the corner of Columbus and Broadway. Columbus and Broadway is where
Chinatown ends and North Beach begins. North Beach is San
Francisco's Little Italy. If it wasn't obvious from the above photos, I live in the red light district. I was
never really in to going to strip clubs. There is a private theater
around corner I used to go into to shoot up I guess. They also have
booths with live women, but they were more expensive and I couldn't
shoot up in them. I sometimes went into them afterward. There were
much cheaper places in my old hood. I rarely made it over here.
It's very touristy. I still felt a little pull into that
place the other day. It has a lot to do with that drug.
Where to begin? I
guess I'll start with my work. It's good. Not great, but good.
Times are slow, but I'll make it. I'll have some good days.
I will keep my life simple. I love what I do. I also get great
exercise pushing my heavy cart about a mile everyday. It's hard.
I'm so glad I I did all that running and exercising the past few
months while at Soul Assistance. It makes doing what I have to do
today possible. And, I get to get stronger! I'm trying to be a
superhero you know! I like Batman - he's dark.
Like I said, last
week was pretty good. I had quite a few friends visit me already!
The person who has showed up for me over and over is my friend who I
am making the film with, lets call him Richard because that's his
name. When I called and ask him about a nickname, he said, just use
my name. Wow, that makes sense. Not for everyone I guess. Richard
has fed me, let me stay with him, helped me move a few times, found my
new cart, given me things I really need, he was my first customer, and he
ask me to help him with that cool film project!
Then there was my
new friend, I'm just going to call her hippie chick for now, because
that's what she is. She was my first customer to ever pay me in sand
dollars! Actually, I ask her for some sand dollars. She is a
professional beach comber. She has the coolest collections. My
friend Good Fella from Soul Assistance ask me the other day if I knew
where to get a sand dollar. I did! Hippie Chick had said she would
stop and visit me someday so I made her a deal. One of my photos for some
sand dollars. She brought lots of cool sand dollars and even some
crystals she mined. Somewhere in San Francisco she manages to mine
crystals! She said she'd take me but she'd have to blind fold me.
Sounds like fun! I love the photo she bought for herself with the
sand dollars! It was perfect for her!
Saturday was my
best day. I even sold something from online to my Fun Friend. She
is so nice. She even made me lunch when I delivered her photo to her
on Sunday. I met here at Brainwash a couple of months ago. I'm
looking for a new Brainwash. Saturday, one of
the new street artists ask me if I would trade him my photo of the
tagged Muni bus for a shirt. He knew I loved his shirts! He has so
many cool ones, but I had to pick this one!
This is the photo I traded.
I made my best
money on Saturday as usual. I got myself a new place on Sunday. The
landlord said he only has it for 3 to 4 weeks but that seems to be
the game they play to feel you out. After 29 days your on rent control. I will be a good tenant. I
think once he sees that, I'm in. I like my little room a lot. It
feels so nice to have my own place. Actually, living above strip
joints keeps the street kind of sane because the bouncers
don't put up with any crap. They are very friendly too. So are the
strippers. One asked if I would photograph her and then told me I
had a cute butt. I bet she says that to all the guys. I told her I lived upstairs! There will be
some punks here on the weekends raising hell. I've seen it in the
past. I kind of avoided this area because of that when tweaking.
Overall, it is really a cool neighborhood.
My little castle!
North Beach, being
San Francisco's little Italy, has a lot of Italian restaurants and
cafe's. It is also the neighborhood where the Beatniks first
started hanging out. Right across the street is the Beatnik museum.
The Beatniks were the precursor to hippies. They hung out at my
favorite book store – City Lights Books. North Beach is also right
next door to the Financial District. I'm pretty sure there is a high
rise ordinance in the neighborhood because the high rises just kind
of begin two blocks from here. They start with my second favorite
high rise in the world!
After work Saturday
I went to that art event at SOMA Arts. My work didn't end up on
display mainly because of timing I think, but it was a great event.
One of my two awesome career coaches hooked me up to get in.
I'm not against paying, but at the time, I was broke and was trying to
get a place.
I think I made a
new friend – Sarah Jessica Parker. Guess who she looks like? She
was even Sarah Jessica Parker for Halloween one time. She makes a
good one. She said she wore the outfit Sarah Jessica Parker wore at
the beginning of Sex in the City. The too-too dress. She was fun to
talk to. She really was nice. She is Richards neighbor. They both
live by the Roxie Theater. I told her about how he and I were going
to make a documentary film and how his original film will be showing
at the Roxie in December. She suggested we go together. Would that
be a date? Oh I hope so! Either way, she's cool. My male career
coach, Oh hell, his name is Dale ( now that were using names – hope
this okay Dale), asked me “We're you hitting on her?” in his
Singaporean accent. My answer, “Of course.” I mean she does
look like Sarah Jessica Parker. He then said, “Don't you have
issues?” My answer, “Yes.” Yes, but this is different. It
is. I guess I've become flirtatious, but I do make a lot of friends
that way – which is what really matters. If that's what I am even
being. I don't even know really. I really just love people and
it's okay to make friends!
The
best part about all that – whatever it
was, was the whole time we talked, the director of Soul Assistance
was sitting right next to us. That sounds - not so nice. Actually, it was very nice to see the
man I called Grace. I do love that guy. We got to tell each other
we loved each other and I told him I'd like to volunteer there some
day. I also got to meet his beautiful wife. I just thought it to be
ironic that I was chatting it up with this good looking blond most of
the time – two if you count my other career coach Anna! Don't
worry, I know she's my career coach. It's not like that. I'm not
hitting on everyone, I promise! I just like to give credit where
credit is do. She is a cute person and she is really sweet too. She has really inspired me!
I was kind
of flirting with this woman the other night. I'll call her Desperate Housewife. I think I was flirting.
I wasn't even sure. She is hot. But I learned she's married. I
will always respect that once I learn that. Well, maybe not if I was
shooting up but I didn't have much respect for anything when I did that - including my own marriage.
I will always be clean from now on though – so I will be a man of respect!
Desperate Housewife
and I had a blast together for about an hour, maybe more – talking.
Actually, we spent a lot of time laughing. She was such a trip. I
ran into her on Market Street. I was dragging my suitcase with a
broken wheel Sunday night while moving to my new place and we started
talking. She helped me drag it to California Street where we would eventually
have to split ways. Her and I hung out and talked for about an hour
outside of Bank of America headquarters with the Occupy people. She
was from Myrtle Beach. She had four kids and a really good husband
back home. She was a lot like me. Perhaps that's why we
hit it off. She said she'd read my blog. She also said she would
have dumped me a long time ago if she were my wife! I liked her.
She was spunky. She was also a runner. We compared stomachs –
neither of us were satisfied with our own. Hers looked fine to me. I love a good stomach. Does that matter? I
love meeting people like that more.
I must add that
this really good looking girl told me just now at the laundry mat.
“I love the shirt.” Da da da da da da da da...... Oh wait, I
haven't gotten to that part yet have I? I think I told half the
story. I'm wearing my new batman shirt. (I wore it again last night (9/22) and got compliments from 3 good looking girls! It is a cool shirt. I wonder why I keep wearing it?)
I was looking for
my new “Brainwash” and found Adler's Museum Cafe. It's a little more
bar like, but I had been in there years ago and remembered there
being art. The other night I was bored and a little lonely and I
wondered in there. That's where I met Erotic Russia. She is a
photographer who sells photos of the strippers in the neighborhood. I'm not sure if she used to be one or not. Her photos are behind the scenes photos. They are actually pretty
interesting. What I saw was a struggling artist – no more. Yeah
right. That is in fact what she is. So I helped her. I gave her
all my old photo mattes for her photos. The really look good with
the mattes. I hope it helps her sell some. (I saw her the next
night and she sold one. The one with her in it. I kind of liked
that one too.) She is struggling to come up with rent for the hostel
every night. I did tell her if she ever didn't come up with the
money, she could stay with me – on the floor of course. (Hey I'm nice, but I want my bed!) She's actually trying to get back to Moscow. She's nice, but
I really just want to help her out. She's fun to talk to. I love it
when she doesn't understand one of my words and she ask, “What iz
dis (INSERT WORD HERE)?”
My friend Gina, who
I guess I'll continue to call Gina is always trying to be the voice
of reason to me. She's pretty good at it too – party pooper! I'm
just teasing – she does give good advice when I go astray in lady
department. She's actually been a really good friend to me through
all this insanity of mine over the years, but especially lately.
And, she doesn't seem to judge me for my messed up ways. She does
says, “Oh Geez” a lot! She's the one who said, “Sex could lead
to drugs, drugs could lead to death!” It sure sounds less fun that
way.
So when I text her
that I had six months clean on Monday, She said, “Your a super
hero!” I loved that of course! It went straight to my head.
That's what I'm shooting for. In fact, the other night, when I was
feeeeeling loooonlely” Poor thing. I went to Adler's Museum Cafe to see
if Erotic Russia was there – she was. She's always there. Right
as I walked in the door with my batman shirt on the batman
song came on the jukebox! I felt way to cool to be me. It made me
laugh. I'm such a dork really.
So last night I
went to my favorite recovery meeting and collected my 6 month chip.
I was looking
forward to picking up that chip from that meeting. I did feel like a
super hero! I've been the secretary of that meeting for the past few
weeks because the secretary has been away. Perhaps I'll be the
permanent secretary someday! I'd like that. Now that I have six
months clean, that is possible. I have never stayed clean this long
since I was twelve years old. Prior to this, 4 months was all I
could ever get.
Normally, we'd have
band practice but right before I walked out the door to that meeting, I heard on KFOG
that the Red Hot Chili Peppers were playing at the Civic Center for
free. If you were part of the Saleforce conference at Moscone
Center you could get closer, but I got pretty close for free. Plus
they had these big screens and a great sound system. The Civic
Center looked so cool! And, I ran into four of my friends from Soul
Assistance and we hung out during most of it! I ran into Good Fella,
James Dean, Hip Hop and Mellow (That's a new nickname).
The Civic Center looked really cool. They also projected them live onto it!
These shots were on the big screens.
These were not on the big screens.
I can't remember if
I gave my friend from Soul Assistance who died a nickname. He really was a big part of my
recovery. He is a really good soul. His name is Timothy. That many deserves credit for being a good soul. I'll
never forget seeing him on street that day. I knew exactly how he felt
which is why wanted to help him get to his family.
Hearing
the Chile Peppers play Under the Bridge, the other night, hanging out with my friends and losing my friend helped remind me to
never go back to that sickness. I had this song
in my head wondering alone around the streets of San Francisco many times. I've spent a lot of time "drawing some blood" under some bridges. I still feel this way sometimes, but at least I'm clean. Addiction is such a lonely disease.
Sometimes I feel Like I don't have a partner Sometimes I feel Like my only friend Is the city I live in The city of Angels Lonely as I am Together we cry
I drive on her streets 'Cause she's my companion I walk through her hills 'Cause she knows who I am She sees my good deeds and She kisses me windy and I never worry Now that is a lie
I don't ever wanna feel Like I did that day Take me to the place I love Take me all the way I don't ever want to feel Like I did that day Take me to the place I love Take me all that way (yeah yeah yeah)
It's hard to believe That there's nobody out there It's hard to believe That I'm all alone At least I have her love The city she loves me
Lonely as I am Together we cry
I don't ever wanna feel Like I did that day Take me to the place I love Take me all the way I don't ever want to feel Like I did that day Take me to the place I love Take me all the way (yeah yeah yeah) Ooh no (no no yeah yeah) Love me I say yeah yeah
Under the bridge downtown Is where I drew some blood Under the bridge " I could not get enough Under the bridge " Forgot about my love Under the bridge " I gave my life away (yeah yeah yeah) Ooh no (no no yeah yeah) Here I stay yeah yeah
Here I stay...
(9/21)
I was going to end
it there, but since I'm sitting at my place waiting for...I don't
even know what really, I'll write a little more. My last couple of
days have been kind of hard at times. I made nothing yesterday.
NOTHING! That's only the second time that's ever happened – EVER!
And, Tuesday sucked too. I think I made $22.00! Two bad days in a
row are hard to take. It will be okay though. I have faith in that.
It just does that sometimes. It's still hard. I thought to myself,
“Well, at least it can't get any worse than today”. Now
why would I be so stupid as to think such a thing? I broke one of my tables
while packing up. It got worse!
Also, I couldn't
work on Friday, because I thought I had a doctors appointment
to get all those test results back. I thought it was at
11:30. It turns out it's next Wednesday – the day I take off
anyway because it's so slow! I still had to get my things from
friends home at Bernal Heights though – especially my printer. We were
unable to get together on Wednesday as we had originally tried to
plan.
I borrowed my friends car while she was in school to get
the last of my things. I ran it out of gas! I didn't even think to
look. Bicycles don't take gas. It's now sitting around the corner.
At least I got it parked at a meter this close, but there are no gas
stations for a long way. It's basically sitting downtown. Sitting
in standstill crosstown traffic for 45 minutes probably didn't help,
but I really didn't think to look!
At least I had my camera....
We'll figure it out. Anything I
can do to make life just a little harder! I am laughing about
all this by the way. What else can I do at this point? Shooting up
crossed my mind a few times recently, but that won't happen. I know
this.
I did get a
constellation prize this morning. Since I thought I had a doctors
appointment at 11:30, I decided I'd take a bike ride this morning to
see if I could get a good shot of this:
That's a
money maker. I wanted to see the last shuttle take off back in 2011.
I talked of planning this when I was clean in 2010 when I believed I
would remain that way. I have a lot of friends and family in Florida
and thought that would be a nice trip and a cool thing to see – and
photograph I guess. Obviously, that never happened. I always wanted
to see the shuttle ride piggy back on that 747 also. I never dreamed
I would. I didn't even know they still transported it that way. I
guess they did so because they are putting it on display in a museum in Southern California.
While out there
this morning, I realized I had not been out by the Golden Gate Bridge
for over six months – since back when I was using out there all
the time. The sounds of the waves, the sounds of the seagulls and
the smells triggered me quite a bit. It really made me want to get
high. That kind of sucked, but I was glad I got to create a new
memory. I'll have to create them one at a time! I don't want that area to remain tainted by that darkness
for me. All this recent stress and having my own place has
also triggered me some. The addict in my says, “You know how to
make EVERTHING feel good. You got your own place, money...” I'd
lose everything I've worked so hard to get – fast! Including my
sanity and possibly my life. I love my little palace here. I don't
want to lose it. I won't. Life is too good right now. I'm so
grateful. It's not like I won't ever have thoughts and cravings.
It's how I handle them that count.
AND, I would have
never seen that amazing sight I saw this morning. It sent chills
down my spine and brought tears to my eyes. I was so grateful to be
alive and to have six months clean. It was a beautiful morning.
Thank You God. I mean that.
SHUTTLE
(9/23)
Okay I need to end this and at least catch the last half of the Bengals game. I got a busy day ahead! I just wanted to add that yesterday was such a great day. Out of 150 street artists, I drew my lucky number 7 in the lottery yesterday. This means I got a great space. I printed as many shuttle photos as possible the night before. I was sold out by noon and even took some orders to mail to people! Erotic Russia even came to visit me.
As long as I continue to work hard and have faith, everything will be okay. Even making honest mistakes when I'm trying trying to do the right thing pay off! Yesterday gave me lots of hope. I even scaled down my display to one table which lightened my load a little and definitely simplified things a bit for me. Everything will work out. My life is kind of hard, but nothing feels better than reaping the rewards from hard work. The rewards are coming. I am so grateful to be alive.
