I dropped a long way, so I have to pray for a lot. I think it is not wrong for me to expect to have issues for the rest of my life. Just being able to write, "The rest of my life", is pretty amazing. I must never forget that.
The days when I begin to feel sorry for myself for having pain or something else caused by what I did on January 15th, I need to stop and remember that I need to be grateful. I need to be grateful that I am alive. I need to be grateful that I am clean. I have 90 days clean today. That is a pretty amazing thing unto itself! I've reached the milestone of 90 days so many times before. Every time has mattered! I hope, pray and believe this will be my last time I have 90 days clean. What I mean is, I believe I will stay clean forever.
January 15th, 2013 will always be a big date in my life. It's the day I got clean. It is also the day I attempted suicide. Feeling good about getting clean that way doesn't sound so good to me. That's a dark day for me. I do hope it will be the day that crazy drug induced an action that will help me stay clean - forever. That said, it will still be important that I work a recovery program for the rest of my life. In the past, I have done many things that have created life threatening situations and I still continued to use.
I have lost so much. I have nearly lost my life in the past. I lost the person who once saved my life. She found me turning blue with blood coming out of my mouth and I was having a seizure about 3 years ago. That person was my high school sweetheart. She may have been my soul mate, but, I do believe God does have a way of fixing something that my dark days of addiction could not complete. I do believe the best will happen for her. It just might be the path I need to fulfill now also.
Back to me I guess. Will I ever be the person I once was. The person who could wake up at 5:00 AM, run five miles and do 100 sit ups ad 70 sit ups. It would take me about 45 minutes to do all this. I usually had earphones full of Godsmack for those 45 minutes. I'd get that runners high about 5 minutes into my run. I miss that. My eyes fill with tears just writing about it. In fact, I'm choking so much right now as a direct result of my injuries.
I can't finish meals because I can't swallow. I also have trouble breathing. Swallowing is an issue even when I'm not eating. I just got back from the Ear Nose and Throat Specialist. He stuck a tiny little camera into my nose and down my throat. He told me I had very large lump in my throat. I could tell there was something blocking everything for me. It was caused by the tube I had down my throat for a month when I was in a coma. Thank God, it will get better. Just like the rest of the things in my life, it is getting better. For that I am grateful. They are going to add some medication to my day for a couple of months.
More pills! I must take more than 50 a day! I am getting better. I am alive. I can't forget this. January 15th will be the day that I got to survive! I was discussing that night with some guys here, and I actually had more memories.
I remember climbing up on an overpass that was under construction for CalTrain over the road. It was a treacherous climb, but I was use to those. Once up their, I realized it was not high enough to kill me. I considered running in front of a CalTrain going 50mph, but remember thinking that would be wrong for the driver to have to experience. After all, the whole reason I needed to kill myself was so I could stop hurting people. The last thing I needed to do was hurt someone by letting them help me kill myself.
Those memories were entirely new to me today. They are sick, twisted and dark. I was getting that way every time I came down. Still, I would choose to use again. I would use because it made me feel so good and I made it through my insane thoughts the last time. I used believing I would make it through those insane thoughts of dying all the time, because I always managed to get through them before. Those evil things got so close to me so many times, yet I chose to avoid them. I nearly didn't make it January 15th. It is so much more complicated than I am explaining but it is important I stop writing about all this.
I have to be grateful for that day. I have to care about all those people I thought I was killing myself for. That would be pretty much everyone I've ever known, but especially those I have been close to. Those people are beautiful. I awoke to something amazingly beautiful to me. Just writing about it and the though of it lifts my soul in ways I don't know how to explain. It feels so good right now. I'm smiling so big right now. It's beautiful. The people behind me are saying that, "Once you have that hearing, you will be connected all the time." They have no idea what I am writing. They are saying things about spirituality. It's so strange to hear them speak like this. I know them. They are good people, but they rarely speak about God which is what one of them just did. He even mentioned The Bible.
I will read my Bible this evening. The first time I was taken to my storage, I retrieved my Recovery Bible that my Aunt and Uncle bought me years ago. That book means so much to me. I really need to focus on it again. Months ago, when I did, my life was amazingly heading in the right direction.
I have to be grateful for life and whatever I am capable of. Apparently I'm capable of working for this Hospitals News Paper. I am going to get interviewed on Wednesday about an issue that the paper is about to write about. It's new to me, however, my life is so currently affected by the details of what the story will be about. It's about how Medi-Cal is being reduced. I am supposed to find out if I get Medi-Cal this week. This is a huge issue for me. I don't like to talk about too many details about my reality, but it is HUGE for me. Being on life support in the ICU and having many surgeries add up to be quite a bit. I hope and pray it all works out.
God is huge for me. I promise that. I know that. When I stay spiritually connected, things do go may way. When I don't, they don't. I have been lately. I want to be more. I have increased my connection simply because it feels good. Not because this has to happen, or that has to happen. I just get spiritually connected because I care about people around me and I care about my friends and my family. I pray for people. Toward the end, I do pray for myself. I will admit, this does happen and that does happen. That being said, I do have so much I have to hope and pray for this last time. It seems I've come a long way. The guy behind me just said, "I've been reading The Bible for so long..." Again, this is not their usual conversation and I don't think they are looking over my shoulder. I usually write in my room, but this time, I'm writing in the dining area. Please know that I am not suggesting everyone read The Bible. I will also say, "It is a good book to read." It does seem to be a book that has helped me. Please know that if you are a middle eastern person, The Curran, may be your book. I have to admit, when I was homeless, I did read the Curran and it scared me. It just made me realize that I needed to be forgiven for my sins! I later started to believe this. I've honestly been a bad person and that is just The Truth. I have referred to God as The Truth.
Now I hear people in the dining room behind me saying, "God bless you!" I have to admit, this typing out here is.... Wow. Now this guy is saying how he used to be "an atheist" and "How God comes to us when we least expect it." I have my back to them, but I have a smile from ear to ear. This blog has been so confusing to me lately. Right now, I see colors flashing and swirling all over this screen. I'm told I have brain damage, but that it will heal. It seems everything I have wrong with me physically will heal. I have no idea if I have written what I am about to write, but I just got back from an appointment for my problems swallowing. Since I have brain damage, I do have memory problems, so....
I have to admit, I did write about it already. I just scrolled up to check. I do want to say that it is something that went my way - like things seem to do when I do the next right thing and believe and pray. I guess these people behind me now are currently talking positively to a guy here that really isn't doing to well. I have to admit, being in a setting like this with people who are really not doing very well, makes me pray for people all the time. I even pray for my family and friends more. I even pray for my own health more when I see people in really bad shape. I don't ask for much. I just pray for little things. Things like I can run 5 miles again some day. Please God. Please. If there was ever a time of The Universe communicating to me at just the right time, it as to be now. I mentioned how I was in the dining room. Well, I eventually had dinner and left. I first went to the front desk to schedule an appointment so I could go pick up my new wireless phone tomorrow. A couple of days ago, I went to the store to show them how the screen goes completely white sometimes on my wireless phone. It never did turn white while in the store, of course. Right as I was getting into my friend Dave's SUV, the screen went white! He took it in and showed them. Now, I get a free one! So now I get to go pick it up tomorrow. It just feels like when I do the right things, good things do happen. So I came back to my room. It looks beautiful. I keep it nice and clean. My favorite nurse, as I like to call her, makes my bed nice everyday. She makes my bed really nice. It feels nice to live this way.
Just Chillin to the TV and my laptop feels so nice! It feels nice to be able to put my legs like this! A month or so ago, there was no way. I couldn't even move my left leg when I woke up - at all. I could barely move my right and I didn't brake anything in it. I did however shatter my lower backbone and I broke my pelvis in two places. I was told I have nerve damage.
Well, after getting off my wheel chair and onto my bed, I was on my back, but needed to start getting it ready to finish this blog as I am doing now. This requires that I readjust the bed. I needed to get the covers down and lift up the plastic side rails and pull up the remotes that control the back of the bed and the TV and radio. Well, I was laying on my back and started to roll over. It would really help if I could get up on my hands and knees to complete all I need to do. This is something I dare never try due to my injury. Well, I tried it. I did it. I was on all fours - two hand and two knees! It hurt really bad. My back hurt so bad. Also, my left arm is unable to be completely straight. Both of my elbows were shattered. I can fully straighten my right one, but my left on remains fixed a 45 degree angle. I believe it will always be. Both of my elbows were fixed with metal and screws. Having that arm bent, caused me to be a little crooked while on all fours, but I was still amazingly grateful.
So, I was in pain, but I was also so amazed that I could be on all fours. This used to be so easy, but it's hard now and it hurt. I started to cry. I cried out of pain and out of joy. Right in front of me was the remote for the TV and radio in the room. I turned it on. I never really listened to this very popular "light rock" song before, but when I heard it just coming on and listened to the words, I cried so hard. It was just one of my recent moments in The Universe I cannot deny. I was in pain, yet I was so touched and so moved by every word of this cheesy song! Now I laugh! :) Life is getting a little better, slowly but surely.
Please, do yourself a favor. Believe in something. Pray to that something. I don't like to preach, but please know that if it's possible for me, then it is possible for anyone. I mean that.
I'll admit, I've never been much of an Enrique fan, but The Universe sure threw this one at me at the right time. Enrique's words sure could have been that big guy in the skies at a time when I was already on my hands and knees and confused about the emotions I was experiencing! I'm never to proud of something like this, but, I'm sure my neighbors could hear me cry.
Let me be your hero
Would you dance if I asked you to dance? Would you run and never look back? Would you cry if you saw me crying? Would you save my soul tonight?
Would you tremble if I touched your lips? Would you laugh? Oh, please tell me this. Now would you die for the one you love? Hold me in your arms, tonight.
I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.
Would you swear that you'll always be mine? Would you lie? Would you run and hide? Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind? I don't care. You're here tonight.
I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.
Oh, I just want to hold you. I just want to hold you, oh, yeah.
Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind? Well, I don't care. You're here tonight.
I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain, oh, yeah. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.
(I can be your hero, baby) I can be your hero. I can kiss away the pain. And I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away. You can take my breath away.
This place I am currently staying feels a little bit like home. I guess if feels as much like home as any place I have lived in almost 2 years! I lived in a hotel for about 4 months. That felt like home - for the first couple months. Once I relapsed, it did not feel like home at all. It felt like people there wanted to kill me. That's not a fun home. When I was in the rehab for 4 1/2 months, it felt more like home than what I had experienced for the previous 8 months, which was homelessness. Homelessness felt nothing like home. It was hard. It was especially hard, because I was usually so tweaked out my head. Once I did crash, that concrete sidewalk worked as home. I loved putting a blanket over my head. I can remember the days when going to sleep like that was my favorite part of my day or night. That rehab I mentioned, I tried to view it as home, but the house manager yelled at me in a meeting for doing so. He demanded that, "IT WAS NOT HOME. It was a program, and I had better get that straight!" I just figured the residents should do the best they could do treat it like a home. I thought we should take care of it and honor one another - like people do at their homes. Eventually, that manager was on the committee that had me exited from the program. I was exited for a non-exitable offence. I do still like that man. We just disagreed sometimes.
I believe I was exited more for this blog than the "action" I was exited for. I wish I would have never named that program in this blog and things may have been different. I never named people, unless they asked me to. I always used nicknames. I mean, it was a drug program and most people do seek anonymity. I still feel like what I did was wrong enough for me to end up here. Or I'd at least say she got me on the wrong path that day, that is for sure.
As far as why I named that program in this blog. I did so the day I found out they would take me into the program. At the time, I found nothing wrong with naming a program I believed was saving my life. I just remember be excited and writing about how I was excepted into "That Program". Anyway, what am I babbling about now? I do love this place. It really does feel like home to me. Last week, I was asked to plan my exit strategy. That sure made me anxious! Technically, I am homeless. My last "job" was very physically demanding and I can't really imagine I could be physically able to do that job again any time soon.
I have improved so much. I hear people say that all the time here. People are so amazed at how far I've come and how good I look. That said, I still can't imagine doing what I did anytime soon. I am still in a lot of pain - especially at night. I pray I can walk in a few months! In about 2 1/2 weeks I have an appointment that will determine if my bones and muscles in the lower half of my body are capable of beginning physical therapy so I can begin learning how to walk again. I can tell it will be challenging. For one, my left ankle is in a lot of pain and is very stiff. It was shattered.
The other main issue is my lower back bone. It too was shattered. It too is painful. I must say it is a different kind of pain. It sure feels a lot more tricky to figure out when it comes to walking. I feel a little crooked back there sometimes. Some nights, I awake to the most serious pain I have ever experienced in my life. This pain can be all along my backbone and all over my back sometimes. Sometimes, just lying on my back is painful. Sometimes, just lying on my side is painful. Lying on my stomach is physically impossible. I'm not sure if it will ever be.
Life is getting better. I don't mean to keep talking about all this pain stuff. Basically, I was asked to begin looking for a new home - someday. I have. I don't want this to be home for the rest of my life, that's for sure. That said, I am starting to learn how that is in fact what this will be for many patients here. It will be home. I'm really learning to love many patients here. Sometimes, I struggle with some of the patients here. I struggle with their personalities. I am starting to learn to accept that many of them struggle with mental illnesses as well as physical. It seems their mental illness issues occurred during their injuries.
In fact, I was reminded that I too may struggle a bit from mental illness. I am certainly someone who has brain damage. I even got a routine call from the first hospital I was in to question me about it. I will receive check up calls for my first year. I found it interesting actually. Many of the symptoms they asked if I was having, I was. I just thought "those" things were occurring because I was an addict or I was on pain medication. I also believed I may simply be having such feelings as a result of someone who was recently divorced from his high school sweet heat or perhaps from someone who recently attempted suicide. I can't deny these facts that I struggle to bring myself to terms with. The other thing she questioned me about was something I am just now struggling with - sudden emotional breakdown. In other words, I start to cry. I am a bit of an emotional wreck these day.
I will be okay. I'm getting better every day. I'm heading in the right direction. Good things are happening! In fact, that computer I dropped a couple months ago that had some of my important tax information on a spreadsheet did something for me it would never do after I dropped it - it lit up it's screen! It was blinky and tricky, but I got what I needed before tax season. I could also get the numbers the State Board of Equalization needed from me a couple a months ago or they were going cancel my sellers permit. I basically overestimated my sales by $800.00 to them. This means I paid them about $72.00 too much. $72.00 is a lot to me, but I was glad I overpaid instead of underpaid.
I can't remember everything that keeps happening for me that is so good, but they do! Lets see. I recently tried to install my adobe Photoshop to my new computer. I got the disc, but I don't have the plastic disc holder. I keep the disc in a holder that is meant to store many discs safely and in a place they can easily be found! I even had my serial number stored on a piece of paper taped up to the door of the piece of furniture I stored my computer supplies. My not being someone who moved my stuff from my place a couple months ago mattered with this little issue. I also have the disc stored somewhere. It just happens to be "somewhere" in my storage unit.
That green one on the top left is Adobe Photoshop.I'd say that most of the discs in this container are photography software. I'd say most of them need a serial number. Oh well, it will work out. I got the cases - somewhere. I'll bet I don't need a serial number for the Epson 3800 printer disc of mine! One thing I have always realized is that everything always does work out as long as I'm always doing the next right thing.
Anyway, I thought it might be possible to retrieve such a number. Perhaps if I contacted Adobe. So I did a search for such a thing and many things popped up. Well, like a dummy, I clicked on some that were not adobe and started downloading some program that would give me a serial number. I must admit, I was tired and felt loopy in the head that evening - what's new? Ultimately, I ended up getting a new home page. They were huge ads about losing weight every page! I'd get huge ads on my Facebook page, especially when I opened Notifications. They were so big, they interfered with everything. I even got pop-ups telling me that windows needed to shut down! Ahh! I was so, so crazy over this. I mean this computer is brand new!
Well, long story short, I removed every single problem! Every One! I mean, I felt so Awesome. I prayed to God for help with this. I prayed my friend who came by Friday would figure it out. I prayed my computer would be new and normal again someday. Well, the person who ended up causing me to think in the right direction, is the person who always did that for me - Susan. We spoke and she calmed me down and reminded me something I basically already knew how to do. I essentially went to Programs and Features, located on my computer, and found every program that was installed 2 days ago and I had all of them to be removed. There were so many. I got them all!
I'm not sure why I couldn't figure that out on my own, but I am grateful for her. She seems to be doing well. She's very busy, but well. I miss what we had when it was good, but that's another whole story unto itself for me. It is a huge one for my insane brain damaged mind in this hospital. I know were over and I want her to have a great family life. Enough said about that.
Lately, I've been going to this morning group. We all have coffee and read the newspaper. We all discuss current events. It's a very interesting group of people, and I enjoy it. Well, today a woman from the hospital happened to stop in. I believe she is the Communications Director for this large and beautiful hospital. She is definitely in communications. Well the hospital is in the process of renewing their news paper. It seems they like its focus to be on its residents. It seems they would also like its contents to come from their residents. The woman who organizes the group I was in this morning introduced me as a "skilled" photographer.
We ended up speaking for a long time. She is very interested in my taking photos of people in the hospital. She thought I could do portrait work of hospital personnel. I was able to share with her a portrait photo I just happened to take that morning. I took it of my "favorite nurse" as I like to tell her. I actually took a photo of her a while back with my computer and although she did not mind having her photo taken, she didn't like that she was wearing a gown. I promised her I would retake a better photo of her without a gown and with my good camera! All this went down on a good morning!
Xiao. She did approve that I use her photo and her name in this blog. I point this out only because I mentioned how I used nicknames for people in the drug rehab I used to be in. Sometimes people there did ask me to use their real names. It is important in the newspaper business to get approval from those who are in it. I guess it is also important in my blog business also! I need to get used to this habit anyway.
Now, Xiao was a part of something exciting for me to be a part of . She was the only person on my camera disc this morning, meaning she could be displayed on the camera screen.
I have to say that just about all of the nurses really are friendly and hard working at the hospital. Perhaps, I'm turning it up a bit since I actually considering the possibility that I could even write for the paper. I would basically interview patients and photograph them for the paper. There are very interesting people here who do very much appreciate this wonderful facility. I can assure you, I do. I always will. AND, I promise you, I'm not just saying such a thing because I would like to write for the paper and/or be a photographer.
It's simply something that really does open doors for me at just the right moment. I mean that. I used to work for newspapers. I started by working for my college newspaper, The News Record, at The University of Cincinnati and eventually ended up moving to San Francisco to work at The San Francisco Chronicle. I was in the advertising back then because I had a degree in marketing from The University of Cincinnati.
I have been writing Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog since 2006. It stared simply as a way for me to share The Truth as I could see it to be at an extremely difficult time in my life. My dad, who was an alcoholic, had recently died alone in a hotel room in Cincinnati and I was almost killed on the street by being pistol whipped. My existence in The Universe could not be denied. Nor could all the strange and amazing things I was seeing "out there". I have written 198 blogs - 98 in the last year alone. What a long strange trip its been.
The bottom line about all this is that my home will be where my home will be. I made some hardcore mistakes in the past, but I do know that if I continue to be a good person and do the next right thing, things will be okay. I will settle down into a home, not matter where that ends up being.
The last hardcore relapse I had, I was so isolated and so full of fear. Now that that came to an extremely hardcore and dramatic end, it is obvious to me that I will not be alone. I am so grateful to all of my loving family and friends for convincing me of this recently! Even when I was told I should plan my "exit strategy", wherever I end up will be my home. It is important that I settle down, it will all be clear....
Hold on, to me as we go As we roll down this unfamiliar road And although this wave is stringing us along Just know you’re not alone Cause I’m going to make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear Don't pay no mind to the demons They fill you with fear The trouble it might drag you down If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone Cause I’m going to make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear Don't pay no mind to the demons They fill you with fear The trouble it might drag you down If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone Cause I’m going to make this place your home
I
have to admit, things really seem going my way. A couple
mornings ago I woke up and did my usual. I turned on the
news. It's been years since I've been a person who wakes up and
turns on the news. Seeing that I have little choice these days,
I guess it's what I do. And, I get breakfast in bed. Life in
the hospital - Oh
boy!I
really can't complain. It sure beats being dead, which is what
my tweaked out insane mind had somehow planned AND attempted the
morning of January 15th - Suicide! I still can't come to
terms with that.
Anyway,
the good news on the news a couple of mornings ago was
the ground breaking of the Transbay Terminal Tower.
The Transbay Terminal Tower is a skyscraper that has
been planned for years in San Francisco. At first it was
of course a "proposed skyscraper", as all
skyscrapers start out being. I have always kept my eye on
"proposed skyscrapers". Even when I lived in
Cincinnati. I remember the days of Fountain Square West.
It was a skyscraper that was to be the tallest in Cincinnati.
It was to be just west of Fountain Square. I was excited about
it's future - back then. It was going to be 689 feet
tall! It was, of course, never built. I
hate to say it, but it seems many things were proposed in my old
city, yet never built. Things like skyscrapers, Subways, Light
Rails, etc.. I am not downing Cincinnati. In fact, it
seems, it's days of not building proposed things may seem
to be changing.
After
living here for 11 years, I have noticed in San Francisco that if
"they" say something is going to be built - it gets built!
In fact, The Transbay Terminal Tower is being built right next door
to the "once proposed" Transbay Terminal.
The Transbay Terminal will be home to the"once proposed"
California High Speed Rail. Which I hate to say was
another thing that got cancelled in Ohio by the newly elected
governor - Ohio High Speed Rail! I was also very excited
about it in Ohio. It's happening here. High speed rail
that is. So to is that proposed high rise that is counting
on the increased business and human traffic at the base of the
extremely tall facility with 1.3 million square feet of class A
rentable space! At 1070 Feet, it will be the tallest
building on the west coast.
Transbay
Terminal and Transbay Terminal Tower
I love Skyscrapers -
especially really tall ones! I look forward to photographing
it's construction and it's existence in the skyline! In fact,
San Francisco probably has at least 15 skyscrapers under
construction right now. It's pretty amazing. Before
this "incident", I kept wanting to go out and photograph
every single skyscraper under construction! This city is really
transforming it's skyline! I'll admit, I can be a bit of a dork
about this stuff! I'm glad I'm alive to be able to answer that
dream of mine some day. I think Cincinnati is also building a
couple of skyscrapers soon. I also think the street car
project is being built downtown. I was really proud of The
Banks project! And, I like Cincinnati's new tallest building,
Queen City Tower. It's official height is 666 feet tall!
It is an interesting height for
me, I must say.
Queen
City Tower is in the foreground. The brown brick building to the left and
in the background is the Carew Tower. The Carew Tower at
574 feet, was the tallest building in Cincinnati for 80 years!
I worked in The Carew Tower until I moved to San Francisco 11
years ago.
I
must admit, other things I feel good about - actually involve me.
I was recently told I don't have to have surgery on my neck!
When I "fell" about 50 feet January 15th, I broke my neck.
Thankfully, 50 feet tall was the tallest building my
crazy/insane mind could find that morning as the sun came up.
I was walking towards "the wilderness" that morning
but could only manage to walk south a mere 16 miles
that early morning. I spotted San Bruno Parking
Garage, by SF International Airport. The plan of being consumed
into the ground by The Big Bad Wolf (which was actually
what the devil called itself this last relapse) to exchange my
soul to help the soul of others was off because I didn't
make it to the wilderness before sunrise. I
was only hurting people, so for me to stop doing that, suicide was my
only option. I was so badly against this option but so badly
wanted to stop hurting others souls in that "parallel universe."
As
I guess I was suppose to accomplish, my neck was not shattered
like my lower backbone. Ithad
to have surgery and has very many screws, pins and metal pieces
inserted. I no longer have to wear my neck brace! Let me
tell you, I don't miss it! AT ALL! It was really
uncomfortable. My neck feels really free and much more comfortable
now!
Another
new thing for me to enjoy is the shower! I know it sounds
silly, but a couple of weeks ago I had my first shower!
I had not had one in 2 1/2 months! It felt so good! At
first, I needed nurses to help me, so it was a little weird but being
in that shower and especially how clean I was afterwards, felt
great! After just a couple of my assisted showers, I was
approved to take my own shower. Well, now that it's in the past
and I'm doing lots of other things by myself, I must admit that I
essentially approved myself to take my own shower!
The original assisted showers required that I got
wheeled in on this thing that had a toilet seat, providing an
opening so wecould
get my under side clean. It was a little strange feeling
and not to be too revealing in this blog, but I did feel a
little wangly dangly down there! Once approved to do my own, I
simply wheel myself in and switch over to the shower seat that can be
lowered from the wall. Like I said, taking showers is
beautiful! Especially when I wasn't all wangly dangly! I
get two a week - one tomorrow! I can't wait until tomorrow!
((Tomorrow,
Saturday, has since arrived - it felt soooo good this
morning. wow. Gratitude feels beautiful.
(OKAY, Now that this blog has taken me three days to write,
I now know I am allowed to take showers every day! Today
is Sunday. Easter Sunday! Happy Easter! I
learned this after I did my usual sponging off and already put my
ankle cast and clothing on for the day. I'll probably start a
daily shower routine starting tomorrow. I don't get to a
place in which I need a shower to much, but showers do
feel so nice and I have plenty of time! I used to take them to
literally help me wake up.))
I
may have mentioned this in a past blog, but even if I did, I'm sure
it has improved. Something I do on my own, obviously, these
days is go to the bathroom on my own. It's not always easy to
do, but
it happens-
slowly but surely. I am grateful for this occurrence
no matter how long it takes me. Again, it's not always a simple
task, but I can do it myself these days. Well, that's if
you don't count the person who dumps my urinal in the middle of the
night for me. That person is the same person who used
to give me drugs - every four hours.
Now,
that I've switched the type of drugs I'm given and only
need one type of pain medication every 12 hours, I'm not sure that
urinal dumping will continue. That's something,I
could do myself- of
course. (I just like to know that I am on my way to being
completely self-sufficient.)
In
the past, I was given Oxycodone for the broken and
shattered bones pain. Now I'm given Morphine. I'm
still given Gabapentin for the nerve damage pain I have from
shattering my back bone. The nurse who just gave me one of my
doses of
somethingtold
me I'm given a huge dose of Morphine! I have lots of
shattered bones, but I must admit, my being an addict does worry me
when I hear such comments. It's not like I ask for huge doses.
I guess I just need them, so I'm given them. She said I take
250 milligrams twice a day. I have no idea what that means or
just how much that really is. Truthfully, that is not a
language I speak. I could tell you how many grams of speed I
used to IV, but I'd rather not go there. I have been an IV
using speed freak for the last 8 0r 9 years. I never was a pill
popper and I never liked heroin when I tried shooting it.
I began this blog by
discussing how I watch the television news. Another thing I do
is look at the newspaper. I look at The San Francisco
Chronicle, which is the local newspaper I worked for when we first
moved here. In an effort to stay connected
to Cincinnati news, I also look at Cincinnati.com in the
morning. Cincinnati.com is The Cincinnati Enquires
web connection. This week, they had a week
long special about how many people in Cincinnati were becoming heroin
addicts. They were becoming addicts because they were
introduced to oxycodone due to an injury and was given that pain
killer to help reduce the pain that followed.
In fact, I remember
years ago, my grandmother grew up in a dry county, yet,
moonshine producing county in the hills of Kentucky. She herself
could not stand drinking alcohol by herself or the drinking of
alcohol by anyone. She even referred to alcohol
as "the devil". When my cousin and I
rented the upstairs unit of a two family home with her in Cincinnati,
one night she fell down the front steps. She shattered her left
ankle - just as I recently have done. She was given
Oxycodone for the pain. She was someone who was always against
alcoholism and addiction, but I recall her struggling herself with
needing that drug for pain. I am an addict. I must say,
my remembering this does worry me. Especially if she of all
people, my angel of a grandmother struggled with an apparent
"need" for oxycodone.
I
have to share something that I know I have already written in this
blog. I was struggling with what I should name this
blog, but inside, I just really knew what song
I
had to use. I
just knew it!
Now I really know it. I just turned on the radio. I
always have it tuned to KFOG. One of the first songs
that came on was a Grateful Dead song! At first, my mind was
like, "Hey, it's a Grateful Dead song." Then I
realized what song it was and I was like, "Hey,
it's 'Touch of Grey' - Of Course!!"
Now, let me get back
to the Cincinnati.com week long cover story about how Heroin
addiction has been on a major rise in Cincinnati. Since it was
hard to access Oxycodone and because of the price was so great for
Oxycodone, many people throughout Cincinnati and all it's
suburbs alike were using heroin for their pain. Some
overdose. Some die.
Again, those very
popular drug types, heroin and oxycodone, were never my drugs of
choice. I'm a speed freak who loves the rush I get from
shooting crystal meth. However, I can't deny that I am an
addict and I am in pain. I will also admit that the drug I was
switched to due to my pain issues throughout the night, morphine, I
did buy on the street and use a few times. I bought the drug on
the street the same way I get that drug here - in pill
form. I only did it a few times, but the times I did use them
on the streets, I crushed them up, added water and shot them. I
liked the way it helped me come down. I WILL NEVER USE AGAIN.
I just wanted to point out a fearful possible reality out there for
me in the future if I don't have insurance, have little money and I
am in great pain. I feel like I am someone who can really take
on a lot of pain, but crushed bones all over my body including places
I walk and my backbone is quite a bit for me to take on
some day.
I'm sorry about
that. It is important I keep recovery first - no matter
what I say or how I feel.
Recovery
is beautiful! I love being around people! Especially
when people are clean! I'm not trying to isolate myself
anymore. During my last run that lasted only 2 1/2 months,
I was so isolated, it scared me! One thing I get lots of here
in the hospital is visitors! Last week, I've averaged about 2
visitors a day! I loved it! I've always loved people.
Always! Being an addict for too long creates a
condition of isolation. It becomes horrible.
It becomes a condition no human being should ever have to endure!
I
said I have been having many visitors. Many of my San
Francisco visitors are in recovery, of course. A couple of
my visitors were from Cincinnati. A couple of the
visitors attend the church I attended last year that I was
introduced to while in my rehab program. I
still consider myself a member of that church. That
church is City Church. I will name it, because I am proud to
say I will never have anything bad to say about it. If I do,
I'll say it and still love it. In fact, I am going to try
go to church this Easter if I possibly can. I hope so.
(Today
is now Easter Sunday. I must admit, I am feeling pretty
loopy and confused in the brain. I had a nurse ask me if I felt
this way earlier. I also had Susan ask me if I was drugged
up. She said I sounded funny. She knows I got
switched to Morphine recently. Just now, I heard something drop in
the other room and it took me by surprise. I get a lot of
it and I take it in pill form. I only took it about an hour
ago, so.... I told Susan I crushed them up and shot them....
I was just being silly. I guess that stuff does make me a
bit silly. I had called Susan to ask her the name of the
neighborhood they put that new Cincinnati Casino. She told me
- Broadway Commons. She went last night. I was also
curious if I still had a desktop computer monitor in
my storage unit. She said no. I think I do. I
am babbling. I feel tired and spacy also. Okay, back
to proofreading only so I can get this thing posted today!)
Back
to Cincinnati visitors topic! As far as those two visitors from
Cincinnati, they brought me the things I really love. One
brought me two forms of chocolate to make my milk into
chocolate milk! One brought me lemons. Two of my favorite
things in life are chocolate and lemons. I love them both.
Which reminds me, my oldest brother just mailed me chocolate and
other helpful supplies like hair and teeth care supplies! Good
thing, since he sent me chocolate!
As
far as the two visitors from Cincinnati, one actually lives out here,
but is originally from Cincinnati. Actually I should say I
had 3 visitors from Cincinnati. Two of them live in
Cincinnati. She
was my friend. Her husband
is
my new friend. The nice lady who lives here now, and
brought me lemons, lives down on the Peninsula. She
actually moved to The Bay Area before me. The last time
she lived in San Francisco, I'm pretty sure she lived in The
Mission District. Actually, it might have been in the Potrero
Hill area. Now a days, she is probably closer to San
Jose. I think she lives in Mountain View - close
to Stanford. She has stopped and visited me twice. I
had to even admit to her, her first visit was very cloudy to
me! I wasn't quite with it all the way back then. She let
me know - It was very obvious! I
was rather out of it!
Which
reminds me of another good friend I was sending emails to
starting in my early days of being conscious back in February.
Her emails somehow got switched to going to my "other"
emails on Facebook so I never responded to her last one she sent me
just after my fundraising event because I never saw it! She was
really a big part of my fundraising event and I really do
thank her for that. I used to flirt with her a while back -
before she had someone who is serious in her life.
Well, apparently I wasn't always to clear on her having
someone in her life in the early days of being
"conscious" and enjoyed letting her know how cute she is.
She just is. :) I felt so silly when I read the words I
typed back then as I read them today. I even read some to
Susan, just to see if it was silly and she agreed. I was
silly! I was pretty loopy at times!! Susan and I both
got a laugh out of my silly words I had typed to her back then.
She really is a great person who has always been kind to me.
Drugs.
LOL. Those drugs and my
loopiness were
even controlled by doctors! I also had a skull fracture
lets not forget. When I first got to this hospital, my first
few appointments were to determine my sanity. After all, I did
break my skull after falling 50 feet. I am okay. Now.
Well, I'm getting there. LOL.
I
had a visitor today (Friday) that I had not seen almost
3 years! He's a good guy. I met him in recovery
about 3 years ago. I was a bit worried about him.
We became really close back then. In fact, Susan and I
went to his mothers home that year which was the year Susan
saved my life and I was unconscious in the ICU for a week.
I took photos of the Blue Angles from his mothers rooftop that year
of Fleet Week. She lives in North Beach which is the
really cool neighborhood I just
lived in before my "incident". She has a really
cool home with a beautiful rooftop view! She lives at the top
of Telegraph Hill. I got lots of good shots including
these three that day.
Coit
Tower has always meant a lot to me. In 1995, it is the
location I chose to propose to Susan. Susan and I still get
along and I pray the best for her life and her new marriage.
Much of our existence together in the not so distant
past, I can still admire. My addiction was just to
much for our marriage to overcome.
Coit
Tower was built in 1933 with a large donation from
Lillie Hitcock Coit. She admired firefighters because of
the brave work they did following the 1906 San Francisco
Earthquake. It is said that it was built to resemble a fire
fighters nozzle!
At
853 feet, The TransAmerican Pyramid is currently the tallest
building in San Francisco. It is also my second favorite
skyscraper in the world! My favorite is New York Cities
Chrysler Building. My last apartment in North Beach was
located in the shadow of this beautiful building.
The
thing about this friend I met in recovery is that he is just like
many of the friends I seem to meet these days - he is
still
in
recovery! In fact, he has a couple years clean now-a-days.
I
must admit that I do find that there is truly such a thing
as coincidences that do occur these days. There
is simply to many simulation of
alignments for me to ignore.
Heworks
at a detox center in The Haight Ashbury District. In fact, I
have been to that detox center 3 times. It's the one I
went to about a year ago before going into the last program I was
in. He is also going to school to become a drug counselor.
He's going to stop back on Monday and meet with me so he can write a
paper about me for school. I have another friend who
photographs me all the time in here. Perhaps I should hook them
up. Perhaps the three of us should be involved
in this project! I sure write enough about my crazy self!
And, lately I sure have been taking lots of self
portraits with my phone and my computer. Who knows, maybe I've
already written the paper for him! Oh, that'd be cheating and
we can't do that!
Oh yeah, since I'm
babbling like crazy, I would also like to add that my other friend
from Cincinnati, who still lives in Cincinnati and is married, bought
me Pastels and art paper. I was inspired to work with pastels
as a direct result and created this piece this week, after her visit:
Sky
- I got it's name from the first person who walked up to it and
made a name suggestion.
After
seeing this, my friend from Cincinnati offered to buy a pastel work
from me. Her doing so just spurred me on to think up a price
for such a work. The truth is, I had no idea how pricing works
for such works of art. I have sold photos for years, so I know
how that works! After quoting her a price last
week, I've decided I'm going to do one for free for her
instead. I mean she came to San Francisco AND bought me
this really cool stuff! She bought me chocolate milk
making stuff and pastel photo making stuff. I will truly
enjoy doing such work for her. She mentioned either a San
Francisco skyline or one of the Golden Gate Bridge shot so, we'll
see. I sure would like to do a Cincinnati skyline!
Maybe I could do that for myself, unless of course she wants it.
She may want something San Francisco related.
I
do work a couple times a week here anyway, so I'll do something. Some
day, as a result of the tools she supplied, I will sell something.
And, that chocolate she bought me has helped to continue put a
tiny bit of padding on my tummy. I get two needles a
day in my tummy to help me not develop blood clots. I had
lost 30 pounds and was down to 125lbs a few weeks ago! A few
weeks ago, my stomach had no fat - none. Normally, I'd be great
with such a stomach, however, needles directly into stomach muscle!
OUCH! Tummy please!
Her and my brothers
and my aunts and many other loving friends and family have
provided me with chocolate and other sweets and goodies to finally
give me a little tummy! Thanks everyone. Seriously!
I
already spoke about my long distance friends and family and how
awesome they are and how cool it's been that we've renewed our
relationships with one another. So many have sent me so many
nice treats. And, we talk to each other on the phone so many
nights a week. Some of them I talk to every night!
My
aunt from Cincinnati hooked me up with so many cool things!
It was as if it was Christmas! I'm not kidding. I have
not experienced a real Christmas or something even
close to that in any form in over 2 years! The last
two days of Christmas, I was all alone. One of them I was
homeless and I stayed on a beach right next to The Golden Gate Bridge
all night and day. That year I panhandled for as much
money I could at 4th Market Street on Christmas Eve so
I could get super high and then make it as if Christmas never
happened. This last Christmas I had a place - but I basically
did the exact same thing. Begging wasn't
necessary, but I did make it as if Christmas never happened - I
think. Both were a mess. Enough said.
My
last New Years Eve, was probably one of the most messed up nights
I've had in a long time. Wow. It was so messed up.
Wow. I can't even explain it. I feel bad about that one.
I shouldn't explain it even this much. The Truth. I was
in one of those places I should not have been in. She didn't
speak a lot of English, but the one comment I was slightly
understanding was: "No, Dohn't do0 dat. Dey
wheel keel yhou". I was really freaked out that
night. I was so afraid. Not a good way to be.
Enough! If anyone needs details. I may be willing share,
but for now, I want to change the subject!
Getting
all these beautiful gifts this week felt just like Christmas!
Most of what I got was cloths and art supplies. I was
so happy. I still am. Every morning I get to wear
something new! It's like Christmas every day. I love my
aunt for being so considerate. I got Bengals and Reds
clothes! I also got superman clothes! I've been very,
very happy - and very comfortable!
Superman
- I Will Survive! I appreciate my aunt also mailed me some
of those rubber wrists bands that say "David Beaty" on
one side and, "I Will Survive", on the other. I
love them!
(And,
it's 5:08PM on Tuesday and I'm getting close to posting this
seriously babbling blog. I'm doing one final proof read due to the fact that there has been so much technical and loopy mind difficulties. The hospital picks a
movie to play every day and announces the movie that's it's going to play just before it's played. Today, they
chose to play Superman Returns. It was announced at 4:00PM.)
Who Dey!
And this one belongs to The
Reds!
Oh
well, a touch of grey, kind of suits you anyway, That was all
I had to say, and it's alright I will get by, I will get by, I
will get by, I
will survive. Don't
I choose a song for each blog?
I'd
rather not get into this right now, because I wanted this blog to be
about how things have been going well for me and how I have reason to
be happy. This is true, however, I just got my little TV
connected radio fixed today and I left it on the first channel it
comes on is 96.5. It's a soft rock channel. That song by
Extreme, More
Than Words,
just came on. I don't here that song much, but it instantly
made me cry. I'm an emotional mess these days.
I
remember when that song came out - 1991. I just graduated
in 1990. Susan was about to graduate in 1992. Susan and I
and my brother and a couple friends and my cousin spent part of
the summer in Miami with my aunt and uncle. I specifically
remember this song being on when we were heading to a flea market
located in The Everglades! That band ended up being kind of
cheesy. However, they had just came out and we had the CD and
were listening to it. This song stood out to us both back
then. I'll leave this alone. I'm still a bit emotional
over this song.
Sunday 3/31/13 @
9:30 PM
(Okay, so I actually
wrote the part below before I wrote the part above about my coming
to terms with Touch
of Grey. I
think I thought I already wrote this below part. I think I've
touched on this being my third day of writing this blog. I'm
not sure how much I've touched on just how whacked out of my head I
feel. I have to be honest and will tell my Doctor tomorrow.
This drug has me feeling really whacked out of my head. I was
told by a nurse earlier that after a few days, it
may have a really strong effect on me based the great amount I am
taking. Apparently it is! Wow.
I am actually
completely confused!! Wow. Just so you know, I have
shared this mindset of mine with Marilynn. I also let her know
I would tell a Doctor tomorrow. It's really weird to deal with
trying to write. I really wanted to finish this blog.
However, I am having so many technical difficulties, I really can't.
It's driving me nuts. I have to admit though, when I'm not
working and I'm laying around listening to music or watching TV.
Oh wow! It really does feel very nice. I think I'll go
get some apple juice, turn on some tunes and turn off the lights
and.... Good night loopty doos! Oh my!!! LOL)
I
was having trouble coming up with a song title for this blog.
Actually, I wasn't having trouble at all. Touch
of Grey,was
my first and obvious choice for so many reasons. The one reason
I felt I couldn't use it is because I already used it! I used
it on July 8th of last year. I'm too tired to read it, but it
was really short and my blogs readership was really low
back then.
I
love that song and it really needs to be the title for this one.
Things are going really good for me, but there are a few little
problems attached to the goodness - of course! Every
silver lining has a Touch of Grey!However,
it was my admiration of all the beautiful work put in by my beautiful
family and beautiful friends that make me think that that should be
the title of this blog! My aunt sent me some of those rubber
wrists things worn at my fundraiser with all of my other cool
stuff she mailed me. And it was those typed on
magical words that convinced me initially!
If that weren't
enough, it was my meeting with a couple of my Doctors at General
Hospital that had me convinced! They told me how happy they
were to see me and how amazed at how good I looked! They also
told me something I hadn't really thought about. They told me
they didn't think I was going to make it the first few days I was in
the ICU. That possible reality is still a hard one for me to
handle. I hate to say it, but it does bring tears to my eyes.
I guess it was the
shattered bones all over my body, but especially in my lower back
around and connected to my pelvis and my broken neck and the
hole in the lung that really worried them. It was that short
little song verse on that little Lance Armstrong rubber thing that
made me repeat a song I had already once used in a blog!
Sorry
that you feel that way,
the
only thing there is to say is... Every silver lining's got a
touch of grey. I will get by, I will get by, I will get by,
I
will survive.
I
actually gave the nurse who told me they weren't sure I'd survive one
of those wrists bands, so thank you for whoever came up with this.
Once I got passed all that part, they t0ld me that they then
believed I may never walk again! I actually do remember being
told that while I was in that hospital. I was pretty out
of it, but that did freak me out a bit. Still does - a little.
Pretty sure I will be able to walk though. And, now they
believe I will walk some day. They said they were amazed at my
improvement. I wore my Superman outfit that day! (As
much as I love my superman and batman clothes, I'm really not
even close to being that. It has a lot more to do with
God than me. It is God's Will.)
That
day, they also told me I did not need neck surgery AND
I could permanently remove the neck brace! I think I already
commented on how good that feels. I know I took a photo of the
neck brace in the garbage because I threw it directly in the
garbage the moment they told me I didn't have to wear it any
longer! However, I believe I accidently deleted that photo
on my mobile phone.
I am so tired.
This fact should be obvious in that photo I just took and posted
above! About an hour ago, the nurse gave me my
trazadone (sleeping medication) and I also took my 250 milligrams of
morphine and my whatever amount of Gabapentin (this is a pain killer
for nerve damage). I also got a bunch of other pills for who
knows what. I've never been a pill taker. It's only
9:30! I wish they'd give that sleeping medicine a little
later. Oh well, I'm not that
tirrrrrrrrrrl//?;%&*'/ll<..... Huh? What just
happened? Was I writing something? My blog?
That
stupid silliness above is mostly a joke. I am
really
tired, but that's not really real what I wrote at the end above.
That was my attempt at silly humor. Whatever. I did
actually fall asleep and my fingers pushed a bunch of nothing.
I wanted to finish
this babbling blog tonight, but it appears it will have to be
finished on Easter Sunday. Hallelujah!
I hate to say it, but
I actually like to watch TV before I go to bed now. I went
3 years without TV until a few weeks ago, so goodnight!
Easter Sunday
3/31/13 @ 10:10 PM
LOL! So now,
I'm so much more than those things I just wrote about above and I
won't be finishing this blog on Easter Sunday! LOL. I got
a whole another days worth of the morphine drug and I just took
it and that sleeping pill at 9:00. I'm feeling super loopy
kids! And, I did finish the short proof reading part. I
went ahead and turned KFOG on since that was in the plan.
I've advanced to radio. Apparently this will be a two song
blog! How could I possibly resist the song that
instantly came on the moment I read the words in the
wonderful and timely paragraph above, "so goodnight!"
Dreamer, you know you are a dreamer
Well can you put your hands in your head, oh no I said,
"Dreamer, you're nothing but a dreamer" Well can you
put your hands in your head, oh no I said "Far out, what a
day, a year, a laugh it is" You know, well you know you had
it comin' to you Now there's not a lot I can do Dreamer, you
stupid little dreamer So now you put your head in your hands, oh
no
I said "Far out, what a day, a year, a laugh it is"
You know, well you know you had it comin' to you Now there's
not a lot I can do
Work it out someday
If I could see
something You can see anything you want boy If I could be
someone You can be anyone, celebrate boy Well if I could do
something You can do something If I could do anything But
can you do something out of this world?
Take a dream on a
Sunday Take a life, take a holiday Take a lie, take a dreamer
Dream, dream, dream, dream, dream, dream, dream, dream along
Dreamer, dreamer, dream along Come on and dream, dream
along (Come along) Come on and dream, dream along Come on and
dream, dream along Dreamer (Come on and dream, dream along), you
know you are a dreamer (Come on and dream, dream along) Well can
you put your hands in your head, oh no (Come on, come on) I said
dreamer (Come on and dream, dream along), you're nothing but a
dreamer (Come on and dream, dream along) Well can you put your
hands in your head (Come on, come on), oh no, oh no
I love Supertramp!
Guess what else they did for me besides convince me that The
Universe is still a coincidently beautiful and amazing place for me
to live? They also changed the blogs name from "Touch
of Grey" to "Dreamer - Touch of Grey".
I honestly
have to say, it has had a few names due to all of the whacky
technical difficulties Blogger.com has been given me and my own
mental loopy difficulties. My goodness! It was,
"Touch of
Grey II", "Touch of Grey 2" and
"Touch of
Grey (again)".
So, let's hope it stays at, "Dreamer
- Touch of Grey".
What a beautiful Universe I am fortunate enough to actually exist
in! Okay, now I'm off for some apple juice and I want
to listen to some KFOG. Goodnight!
Well, now it is
7:12 PM on Monday night. It's been a long day.
I had a pretty good nights sleep I have to admit. I do feel a
little tired tonight, but let's get this blog done is all I can
think about! My goodness. It's not that long!
I can't even remember what it is about. My brain is still
a little loopy, that's for sure.
I think it started
out with me saying how things had really been going my way lately.
I think I also realized that things were not perfect in my world that
seemed to be coming together so beautifully. Basically, it did
occur to me how, "every
silver lining's got a Touch of Grey."
I really am able find
quite a few lyrics in this song that really do point to the
situations in my life now and when I wrote it, back at the end of
last May. I wrote it at the end of May. It
turns out it was actually only
posted July
8th. The other night, I was simply too lazy, or perhaps too
tired, to read through it to discover that about it. However,
I did read my blog a little bit earlier tonight.
I can see how back
then the lyrics that read, "I
know the rent is in arrears, the dog has not been fed in years, it's
even worse than it appears but, it's all right",
were lyrics that I would completely have been able to relate to
at that time in my life.
Those
particular lyrics are even more relevant today as it applies to my
situation in some of my own strange minded cases. However, I
always like to say three words all the time that remind of the
three words that song says. I find myself saying, "Slowly
but surely" The three words in that song are, "...it's
all right".
I do know that things
will be okay. I recently had my doctors from SF General tell me
that they were so amazed at how much I have approved. I
feel like I wrote this part already and it may get posted and then
edited for you early readers. Meaning I will likely reread it
again some day. I'm tired again. Am I always tired?
Well, perhaps by the time I have time to write I am. Anyway, my
doctors said to me, "You look so great." The nurse
said, "For the first few days, I didn't think you would make
it." Again, supporting my choice to the song Touch
of Grey, because
it has three lyrics that read, "I
will survive". Have
I ever shared with anyone about how the number 3 was so prevalent in
my life years ago! It appeared all the time and I had no idea
why. Then, recently, while in a Christian
rehab program, I learned about the trilogy, which is the
Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost! It opened up
all kinds of doors about my past! This blog is
already too long, so....
So after seeing those
doctors, they basically gave me weight baring proof for my upper
body. Meaning I could lift and do therapy with the upper part
of my body. I had already figured this out and did a lot
with that part of my body already. They also looked at my
X-Rays and said I will be able to walk some day based on what they
can see. A couple doctors told me I would never walk again as I
left that hospital to come here in early February. I never
liked to share that part with too many people. I must admit,
there were some times when I too wandered if I would ever walk
again. Now, I do believe I will. I will admit however, I
don't think I'm capable quite yet. My left ankle has a lot of
pain and I'm a little nervous about my lower shattered back
bone. It feels a little week and numb still.
After seeing those
doctors at that hospital who did the surgery, I saw the ones here.
I guess they are called orthopedic doctors! The main
doctor in charge here looked at me and the X-Rays and said that I was
fine with my upper half of my body , yet I need to wait 1 month
before I attempt to walk. So, last week I did take some classes
like Tai Chi for instance to help my upper back. I also went to
the foot doctor and got a pedicure. I had never had one, but it
was great. I had basically given myself one a few days
before. Holy cow! I must have pealed off so much dead
skin. Wow. It was crazy. I had so much dead
skin on my feet! The nurse who gave me the pedicure took of
some herself, but no where near as much as me. Hers did the
nice and fine finishing touches I must admit! And, she really
had that pedicure giving look about her I have to admit. She
really was good at making me feel really good I can't deny!
Finally, I have to
mention some of my good local friends. I'm so glad I said
"FINALLY!" Both of these guys are in recovery.
One of them was the guy whose house I went up to his mothers roof and
took the Blue Angel photo shots that I really liked. The
other guy I was in that last Christian program with me.
These two guys are both great guys. They volunteer at rehab
facilities. The Bible guy volunteers here, Dave, volunteers at
the detox I've went through 3 times. Have I ever mentioned that
number 3's significance in my life before? Some other time.
So some of you may
remember the bible guy from that rehab I was recently exited from.
I really like this guy. There used to be a time when I really
believed that this painting on this hotel meant something. I
believed that this picture of earth was being controlled by God.
God was this black man blowing on the earth which meant he controlled
The Universe. Well, the program I was in was also in such a
place that that looking across the street you could see this.
This painting on the wall with God blowing on earth. There is
also a cross walk there. So above it is the cross walk sign and
it is above my old street, Minna Street which is a one way street.
So essentially, I read that if I didn't walk one way with God, who
created things to be, I'd end up in that coroners van that
sometimes park there when people regularly died.
I
really wish I had Photoshop on this new laptop, I'd crop it
closer so you could see it. In fact, I used to have a
closer photo on my old laptop that I dropped! It was also
blogged about a while back so I'm sure it has a better image in
it in that blog. I'm just to babbling way to much.
It's just all real!
Another day, someone
died and it was a similar scene. I also took a photo you'll see
below. The only difference this day is this guy I've revered to
as "the devil" snuck up behind me and ask me, "What
happened to this guy". He also informed me he was staying
at the hotel in the photo but could not get in because it was taped
off by police tape. This guy, in some ways, was always
trying to help me over the years - "the devil". He
also had a huge grim reaper tattoo on his arm. He found that
morning rather amusing I must admit. It was a strange morning.
This
morning was slight different. Perhaps the photo is a little
more clear was to what I was seeing if you look closely .
Walk one with God who controls The Earth or.... Da Arts are
important.
Oh
Yeah, so my whole point about that black guy I thought was God who is
doing well now and volunteers here and helps me a lot, he was the
model for that painting on that wall! He was the man blowing on
the earth. Except he's not God of course. However, he
does have a powerful name of someone in The Bible. I love
this character in The Bible. I'd share it, but did not get his
permission to do so! Perhaps he'll give it to me next time he
comes to volunteer.
I
got permission from the other volunteer today! He has
a cool Bible name also. It is David! He, like
me, likes to be called Dave. He stopped by today
and asked me a bunch of questions about my addiction. Basically
he asked a bunch of Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog questions!
He is writing a college paper on someone who is addict but is in
recovery right now. That someone is me!
Okay, so my twisted
drugged out mind realizes I did speak about Dave earlier, before I
had his permission to use his name. Anyway Dave told me he
would take me to my storage space sometime this week so I could get
some things including my Guitar! I can't wait! We had a drum
circle earlier this week and it was a lot of fun. I think I'll
end this very, very babbling blog on that! Wow!
I have to ad one tiny
little thing to this blog, Today is Tuesday, 4/2. It's 1:54.
I just got some possibilities approved that may help me get
my life together a little sooner. It will at least help
me get in the right direction. I was just getting ready to
do my final quick proof read and Dave called. I let him know I
had requested tomorrow from 2:00 until 4:00 to be able to go with him
to get some stuff from my storage, including of course, my guitar.
He let me know that
he finished writing the paper about me last night. He was so
amazed at my story. Dave is not a dead head and I never
mentioned too much about my blog. I certainly never even told
him my next blog that he approved his name to be in was even called,
Touch of Grey.
Anyway,
before he hung up he said, based on his paper he wrote, that my story
may be able to provide the silver
lining for
someone in recovery someday! It made me really smile and I let
him know that what he said meant a whole lot more to me than he could
possibly imagine. Just so he understood, I did tell him the
lyrics to the current blog I was writing, "...every
silver lining's got a, Touch of Grey."
Must be getting early; clocks are running late.
Paint
by number morning sky looks so phony. Dawn is breaking
everywhere, light a candle, curse the glare Draw the curtains I
don't care, 'cause it's all right I will get by, I will get by, I
will get by, I will survive.
I see you've got your list out,
say your peace and get out. Yes I get the gist of it, but it's
all right Sorry that you feel that way, the only thing there is
to say is... Every silver lining's got a touch of grey. I
will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.
It's
a lesson to me, the Ables on the bakers and the c's The abc's we
all must face, try to keep a little grace
Chorus
It's
a lesson to me, The Delta's or the East and the freezes. The
abc's-- we all think of, and try to keep a little love.
I
know the rent is in arrears, the dog has not been fed in years, it's
even worse than it appears but, it's all right
Cow is giving
kerosene, kid can't read at seventeen The words he knows are all
obscene, but it's all right I will get by, I will get by, I will
get by, I will survive.
The shoe on the hand that fits,
there's really nothin' much to it Whistle through your teeth and
spit, 'cause it's all right Oh well a touch of grey, kinda suits
you anyway, That is all I had to say, if it's all right I
will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.
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