Goodbye Blue Sky

(I wrote this blog 10/29/12)

I really wish I didn't have to write this blog. I relapsed. For someone who was just barely making it sure hasn't made things any easier. I can't even really write still. I've been clean for something like three days, but my head is still a mess. I'm still hearing voices. This doesn't make anything easy.

I have been working for the past couple of days. What I have to do get back and forth to work is physically hard. Using makes me physically week. And, all the tension in my shoulder aggravates that pain. And, mentally it is important that I be focused if I want to sell anything. I'm exhausted.

I'm trying to stay somewhat positive and do the next right thing. I hung out with some good friends last night and took a lot of photos of all the craziness from after the World Series win. Ironically, the last time I had a big relapse the Giants were in the World Series. I had just relapsed from the time I got clean from being in the ICU in 2010. Susan and I saw Stone Temple Pilots at The Warfield the night they won in 2010. I was a mess. I was definitely better last night, but I hadn't used for a couple of days and I had slept some.

The problem seems to be is that I was doing things I shouldn't have been and not doing things I should have been. It's easy for me to think back at some of the things I was writing and should have seen it coming. In fact, while I may not have been lying about anything, I was doing things I shouldn't have been and wasn't telling anyone. I was planning on telling on myself and stopping. Now, things are more complicated. Most important, I was probably only getting to about one recovery meeting a week for the past month. I kept planning on finding some in my neighborhood so I could get to more but.... Like I said, anything I put before recover, I'll lose.

I don't know what to say. It's like I never left. I ended right back in hell. That drug messes my head up so much. It depletes all the happy chemicals in my brain so I am of course depressed. So much has changed since I last used. The worst part is the return of fear. Things may have been difficult before, but I didn't have the fear using gives me.

I don't have as much fear is I did, but I still have it. Some of you may have seen that photo I took of the devil and I had as my banner. I did it for Halloween, but I commented that, “This just might really be the devil”. For me it is. I'm writing this at my place where I don't have internet access. I want to get that photo deleted from my Facebook as soon as I get somewhere with internet access. I don't like that it was up the whole time I was out. It is where that devil display is actually displayed that makes it the devil for me. I may explain the details of this someday, but for now, I think I should stay away from this whole subject.

It just all really ads up to me. Now I struggle with The Truth. I let so many down. So many have helped. I'm getting ready to go to a recovery meeting that specifically deals with my issues. I hate feeling this way. My mind is just not really back yet. Not that it was really in the right place before. I can see that now. I'm too close to losing everything for this to ever happen again. And, I said there was more than a million reasons why I shouldn't use in a previous blog and there is. I was wrong to do so. Very wrong. Hopefully, I can learn from all this. If it's worth anything, I am sorry, but that's just pathetic.

Thank you to all of you who were there for me when I was coming out of this mess.

"Look mummy, there's an aeroplane up in the sky"

Oooooooo ooo ooo ooo ooooh(x 3)
Did-did-did-did-you see the frightened ones?
Did-did-did-did-you hear the falling bombs?
Did-did-did-did-you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter
When the promise of a brave new world
Unfurled beneath a clear blue sky?

Oooooooo ooo ooo ooo ooooh
Did-did-did-did-you see the frightened ones?
Did-did-did-did-you hear the falling bombs?
The flames are all long gone, but the pain lingers on.

Goodbye, blue sky
Goodbye, blue sky.
Goodbye.(x 2)