Help!

I am so grateful to see that my "incident" has reintroduced my friends and family to one another! This is something I continue to realize.  I am grateful for the funds raised for me too, but I think what it did for me the most was convince me that people cared about each other and that people cared about me!

This was of course before they realized it was a "suicide attempt".  And you know, even the reality of that could be in question - not really though.  However, I called it a "suicide attempt" yesterday and a great friend reminded my how twisted out of my my mind I was during that decision and how totally lost I become while shooting crystal meth and how especially lost I became this last time!  I really truly was.  I also existed in a universe where no one cared about me anymore.  It was so hard.  I was so lost.  It hurts me to think back to this now.  It even brings tears to my eyes.

While this can't be denied, I still cannot deny the reality of what I did.  Had the "attempt" killed me, I'd be dead.  PERIOD.  Reality.  I do realize that people are able to look at me and realize that if I am not using, suicide would be the last thing for me to consider!  Ever!  However, what I do while using, is what I do.  This last time, for the first time, it is what I did.  (Or attempted I should say.)

I must admit, my mind right now is feeling really strange.  It is as if I am on a mild LSD trip.  What I mean is colors are melting together and things are moving around from the corner of my eyes!  I'm a bit confused about reality.  I'm seeing things.  I'm imagining things.  It's all pretty trippy man!

I have done enough hallucinogens in my lifetime to handle these hallucinations!  It could be the increase in drugs I recently requested after long term consideration and much discussion with health care providers.  Maybe not always what I was hopping for, but...  The only reason I asked for more drugs is because I was in so much pain at night I could not sleep and I was horrifically frozen solid for long periods of time until I managed to pull or scream my way out.  It was horrible.  When I told the doctor this, she agreed I needed an increase during the evening hours as I had (?recommended?).  She increased my dosage amount 15 milligrams per dosage from 8:00 PM until 4:00 AM.  I kind of see it similar to how when I have a cold, it worsens during my evening and morning hours.  My dosage had recently been cut back for my every four hour dose anyway and that's when the pain slowly started to begin.  It was cut back 5 milligrams per dosage.  It sure seems I'm close to being back to my total normal dosage amount per day, but my loopy brain can't do the math right now!   I am also beginning to get a little more active during the day with my getting in and out of my wheel chair and going to group sessions.   

I don't know, but things are better and I made it very clear I was an drug addict to my Doctor.  Pills have never been my thing and other than the visual effects, I am not really affected by these accept for my pain reduction and help  sleeping.  I discussed my being an addict, because I do know this drug is a relatively new and serious one that some of my friends who I have met in rehab over the years have struggled with.  It (oxcycodon/oxcycotin) happens to be their drug of choice.   I've heard it referred as hillbilly heroin. While I take it seriously, heroin or pills were never drugs I enjoyed. 

My getting back to normal is coming very slowly. Very Slowly. However, I receive nice compliments from people who see me moving around or see my haircut and my clean shave all the time!  I do feel better about being able to keep up on myself. 

A few blogs ago, I mentioned the very cute Asian nurses who gave me full body, nude baths while I was really in pain and really unable to move a few weeks ago.  Don't worry folks, I am not going the wrong direction with this - I PROMISE!  (Especially to you - my local friend who suggested this warning to me!  LOL ) They were very, very professional about what they were doing and I was very professional about what I received.  It was nice to have my dirty body cleaned - by very cute women of a nationality I am attracted to.  They were so professional and the couple times it occurred, I would just lay back and comfortably enjoy it.  I WAS in a lot of pain after all and was unable to move around.   One of them is very sweet to me all the time and very friendly to me.

She came back to work this morning for the first time since I finally was back in her section again!  I now have more physical movement.   I also have a new, nicer and much neater hair cut and shave.  Her first words as I awoke were, "Wow, you're lookin' so good!  Losing all that hair.... "  She smiled very nicely. Perhaps that's why my day started off so well.  She is very kind.  She is always on time with everything and very helpful.  In fact, she helped me get into my wheel chair to come to the library!  Let me tell you, it's an ordeal.  I have to suit up in my body armor!!!  It's worth it.  While it is painful, it is a little less painful each time.  My body gets to readjusted for it's muscles.  I am also realizing that this body armor forces me into correct physical posture.  I believe I am heading in the right direction.

Dave a couple of weeks ago.

Dave Yesterday.
(I do have better photos (I am a photographer who is usually bed-bound and bored!), but this is the only one I currently have with my recent hair cut and shave that I can put on library computer - Did I mention I have self-esteem issues? Pay no attention to em'!) 

I must say, I ask for help a lot less these days than I did when I first got here.  I was even more confused and in so much pain and so helpless!    I did deserve more help back then, that is for sure.  I have adjusted by learning some.  I also have less pain.  My poor neighbor screams for help all day and sometimes all night long!  While she also deserves more help, sometimes she overdoes her requests.  I see how it's hard for the nurses here.  I'm not getting into all that.  I'd like to simply say, I love these nurses!  I love these patients!  I love this hospital!  It is helping me!  I have been helped by so many for so long.  I do appreciate that.  Thanks to this help, I have another chance at life!

I will admit, I didn't need help for so many years when I was younger.  Or, I didn't think I did, so I didn't ask.  My reality is that my drug addiction insanity has increased my need for help at times.  I also believe that I don't have the self-esteem I may once have had.  I have little self-esteem these days.  I must admit, that's where my nurse friends compliment this morning may have had it's place for me!  Thanks for all the Help everyone!   And I do appreciate you being round.  

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these daya are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.