Ain't No Right

(I wrote this blog April 23rd, 2012)

Frustration!  I step up to do every job here.  I'm asked to do so many times.  Sometimes, no one else is around and I'm not going to sit back and watch things not get done.  I let it be known in a house meeting today.  It was uncomfortable for me, but I had to.  I need to learn to set boundaries for myself.  Just as I was doing that, Trudy, the Army Chaplain walked in the door right in the middle of what I was saying.

I respect Trudy a lot, however, I think she is no-nonsense to the extreme!  She said, "You're not allowing other people to step up by taking all the opportunities to do so."  I am always asked to do so!  I don't mind working, but I get tired.  They know I'll continue to do the hard jobs.  

This new guy came in, let's call him Self-Will, and did dishes in the evening for two days and then was put on the easy morning shift.  I did them for almost a month.  Now, I'm helper in the evening.   I guess the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  I don't want to be a squeaky wheel, but I do need a little consideration when extra work needs to be done.  I've been on the hardest shift for a month and will probably be on it for quite a while longer - which is okay.


Trudy and the other staff just went behind closed doors.  I thought, "Now will be a perfect opportunity to ask all the guys to do afternoon dishes that I have already been stuck with."  I gave EVERYONE the opportunity to step up since I have to work the evening shift.  No one did.  It was suggested I make it Self-Wills problem who could not be there.  Oh,  thanks for the helpful suggestion.  


I did take that suggestion and ask him to ask the house during the meeting when the staff returned.  (Someone just walked by me and said, "Wow, that pens on fire!")  

I asked him to call it out in the house meeting – while the powers that be were involved.  He did.  Someone stepped up.  The Powers that be are not always here.   People like to look good when they are.  I understand that I’m a doormat.  I’m working on that.  I also want to work hard to make a difference.  I have in the past been a workaholic or have taken on to much in the past to the "F___-It" point.  I can’t reach that point.  Period.  I’m frustrated.  I put myself here.  I appreciate this place a lot, but….It’s hard.

We are required to go to church and go to three twelve step meetings per week.  Since I have been here, I haven’t gone to many meetings.  No one will take me.  I can’t go by myself since I’m on restriction.  I asked a few times early on.  After a while I gave up.  I like meetings.  The will keep me clean THE REST OF MY LIFE – long after I leave this place. I know this.  I decided when I get off restriction, I’ll go to meetings.  

To be fair, even if people would agreed to take me, it is hard when I'm busy from 6AM until 8PM – six days a week.  We also have a 10PM curfew and need to have our cots set up by 9:45.  It makes it hard to squeeze meetings in.  I would gladly go to two on the weekends but most of the guys who aren’t on restriction are nowhere to be found on the weekends.

I just got done telling the new guy who is really struggling that I will take him to meetings when I get off restriction “tomorrow”.  I really need a break from this place.  I also know what it feels like to be stuck here and I know this guy needs some meetings.

Yesterday, I went to church and Sam Malone took me to a meeting.  We’re supposed to keep our church bulletin and get our meetings slips signed off on then hand them in at the house meeting on Mondays.  Each week when I went to hand in what I had, I was told not to worry about it.  I knew this was wrong, but I figured I’d just go to my meetings when I got off restriction and know I was doing the right thing.  I have done this as much as possible and not once have they been collected in my 29 days here - UNTIL TODAY!

Tomorrow I get off restriction – or was supposed to!  Now, I get seven days ADDED restriction!  If I want to go to meetings, it has to be with one of the four guys who are exempt because they were away at camp. Yeah right!  I’m just tired.  I won’t react – now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pee in a cup.  Kids, don’t do drugs.

(LATER THAT DAY)

The afternoon didn’t get much better.  It did a little I guess.  Unfortunately, Tex left because of all this.  The truth is, it was kind of his fault.  He was in charge of collecting the slips.  He wasn’t, but he was saying he was and telling people not to worry about it.  He thought he was helping his housemates.  It didn’t really help me.  I still like this guy a lot.  He was here nine months!  He’s a good guy who really worked hard and cared about people – a lot.  In my opinion, Trudy handled this wrong, but he was in the wrong and he chose to leave.  I hope he doesn't go back to live in his hole in the ground in Golden Gate Park.

I argued with the staff.  I was told, "It's not about you!"  I don't see how it's not.  It really kind of screwed me when I was honestly trying to do the right thing.  For Trudy to come in and hand out a bunch of restriction without warning was wrong.   It's like Diablo said, "Trudy is all bite and no bark."


Still, I guess I should have at least gotten my two meetings I did make signed off on - even if I didn't believe the slips were not going to be collected.  I should have at least held myself accountable for the rule I am aware of.  

I had the church bulletin because I wanted to quote the Bible scripture in my last blog.  (Which I did because Pastor Matt brings me one in the future -  which is now the past.)  I'm just not sure where I put it.  I went to church.


Things won't always go my way even when I don't believe I am wrong.  This did need to be done.  It was awful timing.  I really just wanted to get out and take photos.  I just wanted to get away for a little bit - on my own!  Even if it was just for a jog to the bay and back.  I do respect Trudy and I do love this place.  I hope to grow from this.  It's just feelings.  I'm alive.


They did agree to shorten my restriction to three days.  One of the staff members said, "We make mistakes."  I know.  Me too.  I don't like getting punished for others mistakes if I can help it.  I guess that maybe I stood up for something I believed in and they understood.  I don't know how I feel about it anymore.  Tired.  It may not seem like much to someone reading this.  I guess it doesn't matter that much to me.


The truth is, most people here will probably do whatever they want anyway - therein lies the problem.  I'll follow the rules. I have to.  I have to honest.  


Someone told me, "You talk too much.  You don't have to be honest with everyone."  I'm here for a reason.  I wasn't always honest in the past.  I'm an addict.  

I have a lot of homework to do tonight.  CityTeam wants me to get to Module 2 asap so I can be the driver.  I'm the only person here with a drivers license.  People here need my help.  That matters to me.  I guess I have restriction time to fill!

I am skin and bones, I am pointy nose;
But it motherfuckin' makes me try.
Makes me try, and that ain't no wrong.
I'll tell you why...
There ain't no right!

Ain't no wrong now, ain't no right.
Ain't no wrong now, ain't no right.
Only pleasure and pain.

Motherfuckin' bad wind came, blew down my home.
Now the green grass grows.
Bad wind came, blew down my home.
Goddamn goodness knows!
Where green grass grows there can't be wrong.
And goodness knows, there ain't no right!

Ain't no wrong now, ain't no right.
Ain't no wrong now, ain't no right.
Only pleasure and pain.

Bumped my head, I'm a battering ram.
Goddamn took the pain.
Cut myself, said So what?
Motherfuckin' took the pain.
Said So what? I can't be wrong.
I thought so but there ain't no right!

Ain't no wrong now, ain't no right.
Ain't no wrong now, ain't no right.
Only pleasure and pain.