(I wrote this blog April 7th, 2012)
My new friend from L.A.'s girlfriend died this morning at 8:10. He let us all know in an unscheduled house meeting. We also lost a third graduate this morning. He died of cancer. He was here very recently. Most of the guys knew him. He was clean but it was likely his lifestyle led to his cancer. He smoked. The House Chaplin, Trudy, said he was right with God. His family is coming to pick up his things today.
My new friend from L.A.'s girlfriend died this morning at 8:10. He let us all know in an unscheduled house meeting. We also lost a third graduate this morning. He died of cancer. He was here very recently. Most of the guys knew him. He was clean but it was likely his lifestyle led to his cancer. He smoked. The House Chaplin, Trudy, said he was right with God. His family is coming to pick up his things today.
One of my housemates just walked by and said, "Hey David, Everything's gonna be alright." He's been hearing me sing that Bob Marley song on the guitar lately.
We are also missing a staff member today. She's been having really bad headaches lately. On her way home, she passed out at the wheel with her daughter in her car seat. Her daughters fine. The staff member is going to be okay. The car is totaled.
It seems there has been a dark cloud over CityTeam recently. Trudy held an unscheduled house meeting this morning. She said, "There seems to be something going on in San Francisco lately. The enemy is hard at work." She also said she doesn't like to give much credit to the enemy. She knows God is much stronger.
I try not to even think about the enemies role. I try to see only Gods part in this these days. I know there's a dark side. When I have been in recovery programs before and things have gone haywire, I used to think it had something to do with my presence. I remember at CDRP (Kaiser's Chemical Dependency Recovery Program) one of the instructors once said, "It seems the relapse demon is among us." I used to think it was me or if it wasn't me, it followed me. I hope that's not the case.
I have felt at times that there is an evil that just won't give up on me. It's really been going on for years - especially the last few while struggling with meth. I have written about this some. Evil is very prevalent when I use meth.
When I am clean, I try to avoid talking much about it. It's dark. It's in my head and it's in my reality. Years ago, the devil tried to get me to bow down to him. He wanted me to sell my soul. This was occurring as voices in my head and images I could see on my monitor because of the webcam I had pointing out the window into our back breezeway. He was surrounded by beautiful scantily clad women - of course.
He told me, "Come on down" and bow down to him (We live on the third floor.) He said, if I surrendered to him I would serve high in hell. (what an oxymoron, huh?) He said if I did, I could do whatever I wanted on earth and no one would know my secrets. (That's kind of what put me there.) I said, "Never." "I'll choose God." He laughed, the way you'd expect the devil to laugh and said, "God will not choose you!" He said I was going to end up in hell anyway, so, I might as well enjoy myself on earth and serve high in hell. All lies.
I ended up flipping out. There were people on the roof! Susan and I were heading to L.A. in a couple days. We left early. She pulled my 35th Anniversary Mustang up t0 the front door because they were on the roof. They were only after me. We agreed that Susan was not to be messed with.
Susan told me I was crazy, but still pulled the car up to the door. Right as I got in, BAM! - something hit the roof of the car! Susan said, "What the ____ was that?!" I said, "I told you they are on the roof!"
On the way to L.A., just as we reached the south side of the Altamont Pass, we started losing the San Francisco radio station we were listening to. Every time we'd go down hill, The San Francisco radio station, which was playing a more uplifting song would go out and Highway to Hell by AC/DC would come on. So it went from uplifting song to "...I'm on a highway to hell!", everytime we'd dip down a hill over and over!
We decided to go to Joshua Tree. Joshua Tree is east of L.A. in the Mohave Desert. It is filled with - Joshua Trees.
The devil was in my head the whole way there. These voices in my head were new to me back then. Once we got to Joshua Tree, we went to skull rock. The devil proudly told me, "Their I am!" - while laughing at me.
We spent the night in Palm Springs. The voices began fading. We made it to L.A. We got to see one of Bob Barkers last recordings of The Price is Right - one of Susan's life long dreams.
Every time they said, "Come on down!", it reminded me of whatever had just happened. We had fun, but he trip was tainted. I had a way of doing this a lot. On the way back, I was praying to God for an answer. Right then I looked up and I saw a semi-trailer with a huge advertisement that said, "Kaiser Permanente". That's where I could find recovery - Kaiser's CDRP. Kaiser was Susan and my HMO."
The experience cleaned me up for a bit. I didn't check into the program. Eventually I chalked it all up to meth psychosis. The inevitable happened at some point.
This last run I was on for over a year, I would end up meeting the devil in the flesh. It was around that time the voices explained to me that Heaven may be eternal, but hell is never ending. Enough about all that for now.
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began
Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in again
They need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are ever ready
Are you ready?
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense
Spinning infinity
Boy, the wheel is spinning me
It's never ending, never ending
Same old story
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say that I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?
In time or so I'm told
I'm just another soul for sale, oh well
The page is out of print, we are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
I'm the voice inside your head you refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face, mirrorin' your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right, I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that'll take you down, bring you to your knees
So who are you? Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you?
Keep you in the dark, you know they all pretend
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?
What if I say you're not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
So who are you? Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
I really didn't want to go that direction in this blog. I guess "the enemy" should not be underestimated. Trudy is also a Chaplain for the United States Army. She's the person who goes to families homes when our young men and women are killed overseas.
She is pretty strict about the rules around here. Jonathon, the director, is in China. He gives a lot of "grace". Trudy is no-nonsense. She ordered that none of us go anywhere alone until the director returns in three weeks. As ridiculous it sounds - to even me, we are on the front line of this war between Good and evil here.
It seems Good is winning. I always know Good will. I just want to be on the winning side. I want to surrender to God. I want to be on the winning team. I am trying to do only God's Will.
It's tricky, but I think I have been lately. I have been clean for 25 days. It's been a long time since I felt real feelings. I have a lot of feelings to feel. Although my loss is not the same as those close to the ones who have lost their lives, it's still hard for me. My loss is so complicated. We are taught that we are not the person we are in 0ur addiction. That doesn't change what that person did. It's all so confusing to me.
I'm gathering strength and faith from all of this. It seems selfish. No matter how all of these hard events came to pass, it seems God does have a way of turning it into something positive if we walk in the light. I can't even believe I'm saying this. A couple of months ago, I was hopeless. I was even starting to accept that my fate might be to make the best of being with the other lost souls out there. That's a hard existence.
Back then, I was either experiencing euphoria while high or having insane, exaggerated feelings while coming down. Functioning in life was impossible. I knew I had lost Susan - the love of my life who saved my life. How could I possibly handle those feelings? Clean.
Since I have been here, I have run the gamete of emotions. I have had mostly hard feelings like sadness, anger, confusion, depression, guilt and even shame - a very bad feeling. However, I have felt hopeful and even happy at times. Feelings I thought I would never feel again. I have felt - alive. Sometimes, I don't even understand the feelings I am feeling - especially around Susan. This is the first time I've had any significant clean time since our divorce. The last time I had any was after she saved my life. I am feeling real emotions. It's hard, but I want this. It's the first time in a long time I've not felt guilty for being alive.
Being in that meeting this morning with the guy from L.A. was very emotional. It was hard for him, but he has strong faith. He girlfriend had even stronger faith. He talked about what it muct be like for her in Heaven right now with God.
At lunch, he and I were talking about how amazing it must be for her. Since she was an artist, we speculated that she might be helping God paint a new Universe. This made us both feel good.
I'm wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
And not someplace I fell
'Cause I keep on fallin' down
I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright
Just push me 'til I have to fly
I've shed my skin, my scars
Take me deep out past the lights
Where nothing dims these stars
Nothing dims these stars
I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright
So right
It's all wrong
I'm wide awake and so alive
I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright
I try not to even think about the enemies role. I try to see only Gods part in this these days. I know there's a dark side. When I have been in recovery programs before and things have gone haywire, I used to think it had something to do with my presence. I remember at CDRP (Kaiser's Chemical Dependency Recovery Program) one of the instructors once said, "It seems the relapse demon is among us." I used to think it was me or if it wasn't me, it followed me. I hope that's not the case.
I have felt at times that there is an evil that just won't give up on me. It's really been going on for years - especially the last few while struggling with meth. I have written about this some. Evil is very prevalent when I use meth.
When I am clean, I try to avoid talking much about it. It's dark. It's in my head and it's in my reality. Years ago, the devil tried to get me to bow down to him. He wanted me to sell my soul. This was occurring as voices in my head and images I could see on my monitor because of the webcam I had pointing out the window into our back breezeway. He was surrounded by beautiful scantily clad women - of course.
He told me, "Come on down" and bow down to him (We live on the third floor.) He said, if I surrendered to him I would serve high in hell. (what an oxymoron, huh?) He said if I did, I could do whatever I wanted on earth and no one would know my secrets. (That's kind of what put me there.) I said, "Never." "I'll choose God." He laughed, the way you'd expect the devil to laugh and said, "God will not choose you!" He said I was going to end up in hell anyway, so, I might as well enjoy myself on earth and serve high in hell. All lies.
I ended up flipping out. There were people on the roof! Susan and I were heading to L.A. in a couple days. We left early. She pulled my 35th Anniversary Mustang up t0 the front door because they were on the roof. They were only after me. We agreed that Susan was not to be messed with.
Susan told me I was crazy, but still pulled the car up to the door. Right as I got in, BAM! - something hit the roof of the car! Susan said, "What the ____ was that?!" I said, "I told you they are on the roof!"
On the way to L.A., just as we reached the south side of the Altamont Pass, we started losing the San Francisco radio station we were listening to. Every time we'd go down hill, The San Francisco radio station, which was playing a more uplifting song would go out and Highway to Hell by AC/DC would come on. So it went from uplifting song to "...I'm on a highway to hell!", everytime we'd dip down a hill over and over!
 |
| Altamont Pass |
We decided to go to Joshua Tree. Joshua Tree is east of L.A. in the Mohave Desert. It is filled with - Joshua Trees.
 |
| Joshua tree |
 |
| My Mustang at the time. |
The devil was in my head the whole way there. These voices in my head were new to me back then. Once we got to Joshua Tree, we went to skull rock. The devil proudly told me, "Their I am!" - while laughing at me.
 |
| Skull Rock |
We spent the night in Palm Springs. The voices began fading. We made it to L.A. We got to see one of Bob Barkers last recordings of The Price is Right - one of Susan's life long dreams.
Every time they said, "Come on down!", it reminded me of whatever had just happened. We had fun, but he trip was tainted. I had a way of doing this a lot. On the way back, I was praying to God for an answer. Right then I looked up and I saw a semi-trailer with a huge advertisement that said, "Kaiser Permanente". That's where I could find recovery - Kaiser's CDRP. Kaiser was Susan and my HMO."
The experience cleaned me up for a bit. I didn't check into the program. Eventually I chalked it all up to meth psychosis. The inevitable happened at some point.
This last run I was on for over a year, I would end up meeting the devil in the flesh. It was around that time the voices explained to me that Heaven may be eternal, but hell is never ending. Enough about all that for now.
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began
Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in again
They need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are ever ready
Are you ready?
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense
Spinning infinity
Boy, the wheel is spinning me
It's never ending, never ending
Same old story
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say that I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?
In time or so I'm told
I'm just another soul for sale, oh well
The page is out of print, we are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
I'm the voice inside your head you refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face, mirrorin' your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right, I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that'll take you down, bring you to your knees
So who are you? Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you?
Keep you in the dark, you know they all pretend
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?
What if I say you're not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
So who are you? Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
I really didn't want to go that direction in this blog. I guess "the enemy" should not be underestimated. Trudy is also a Chaplain for the United States Army. She's the person who goes to families homes when our young men and women are killed overseas.
She is pretty strict about the rules around here. Jonathon, the director, is in China. He gives a lot of "grace". Trudy is no-nonsense. She ordered that none of us go anywhere alone until the director returns in three weeks. As ridiculous it sounds - to even me, we are on the front line of this war between Good and evil here.
It seems Good is winning. I always know Good will. I just want to be on the winning side. I want to surrender to God. I want to be on the winning team. I am trying to do only God's Will.
It's tricky, but I think I have been lately. I have been clean for 25 days. It's been a long time since I felt real feelings. I have a lot of feelings to feel. Although my loss is not the same as those close to the ones who have lost their lives, it's still hard for me. My loss is so complicated. We are taught that we are not the person we are in 0ur addiction. That doesn't change what that person did. It's all so confusing to me.
I'm gathering strength and faith from all of this. It seems selfish. No matter how all of these hard events came to pass, it seems God does have a way of turning it into something positive if we walk in the light. I can't even believe I'm saying this. A couple of months ago, I was hopeless. I was even starting to accept that my fate might be to make the best of being with the other lost souls out there. That's a hard existence.
Back then, I was either experiencing euphoria while high or having insane, exaggerated feelings while coming down. Functioning in life was impossible. I knew I had lost Susan - the love of my life who saved my life. How could I possibly handle those feelings? Clean.
Since I have been here, I have run the gamete of emotions. I have had mostly hard feelings like sadness, anger, confusion, depression, guilt and even shame - a very bad feeling. However, I have felt hopeful and even happy at times. Feelings I thought I would never feel again. I have felt - alive. Sometimes, I don't even understand the feelings I am feeling - especially around Susan. This is the first time I've had any significant clean time since our divorce. The last time I had any was after she saved my life. I am feeling real emotions. It's hard, but I want this. It's the first time in a long time I've not felt guilty for being alive.
Being in that meeting this morning with the guy from L.A. was very emotional. It was hard for him, but he has strong faith. He girlfriend had even stronger faith. He talked about what it muct be like for her in Heaven right now with God.
At lunch, he and I were talking about how amazing it must be for her. Since she was an artist, we speculated that she might be helping God paint a new Universe. This made us both feel good.
Matt Natahanson is also from San Francisco.
I'm wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
And not someplace I fell
'Cause I keep on fallin' down
I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright
Just push me 'til I have to fly
I've shed my skin, my scars
Take me deep out past the lights
Where nothing dims these stars
Nothing dims these stars
I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright
So right
It's all wrong
I'm wide awake and so alive
I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright
Although I used to be the one who got the free concert tickets in Cincinnati, it was Susan in San Francisco. She advertised with KFOG for Bike to Work day, so we got great tickets for Kaboom. Susan loves fireworks!
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