(I wrote this blog April 15th 2012)
Yesterday was my first full day without a cigarette since I have been here. I also had 30 days off of meth yesterday. I feel really good today. Yesterday was Sunday. On Sunday, we go to church and rest - unless we have a house job. I didn't. I ended up doing three on Saturday. Much of the house was at another funeral. I was exhausted. At the end of the day, one of my housemates, we'll call him "Rudy", got in my face and threatened to kick my ass while I was sitting down getting ready to eat dinner at 8:00 at night. I told him, "Sit down, because I'm not getting kicked out of this program." We get kicked out for fighting, using and steeling.
I miss "El Papi Chulo." That's what we called one of the guys who got kicked out for steeling. El Papi Chulo basically means The Mac Daddy in Spanish. El Papi Chulo was this short, husky little Guatemalan guy with a big heart. He wore this straw Cowboy hat that he had written, "El Papi Chulo #1" around the brim.
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| He stuck his hat to the wall of our locker room before he left. |
The thing with El Papi Chulo is that he was a bit of a klepto. He only took things like newly donated clothes and shoes. More than half the time, he tried to give them away to other guys in the house. I think he was looking for acceptance in some ways. He was warned.
He was such a hard worker and a nice guy. We worked together in the kitchen. Like I said, he had been warned. Our director, Jonathon, who gives a lot of grace is in India for three weeks. The Army Chaplain, Trudy rules more by the truth and is pretty much no-nonsense. It is more black and white with her. I hate to say it, but that is what is needed here.
I feel I am doing all I can to do everything I am supposed to do. If I make a mistake, I try to learn from it and I know it's an honest mistake.
The other issue here is the people that are not working there own programs. I don't want to be in other peoples business. I do care about them. My good friend - My homeboy, he has a big heart, but he always finds a way to disappear anytime he has a job to do. Someone has to do his job and it usually ends up being me. We are both in the kitchen. He's on the easy shift, I'm on the hard shift. I don't like working both! The cook, "Hefe Grande" (Big Boss in Spanish) likes to call my homeboy, "Your besth fhrindh" (basically in his spanish accent I'm trying pronunciate with English spelling). He always says it and laughs at the same time. We both laugh.
I let my homeboy know that he needs to start working his own program all the time. I tell him it will get him nowhere. Plus, all the guys swimming upstream here - the waves hit us all.
In fact, someone just came to me and let me know that, once again, my homeboy is not here and they asked if I would do the dishes. I said, "sure." Another guy here spoke up and said, "Dave does too much here, let someone else do them." It feels good to hear that. I do need to learn to set my own boundaries. I will always step up when someone has a valid excuse to be gone and has properly handled their absence. However, I will also cover for someone who is slacking without snitching. The truth is, this helps neither of us.
I try to approach them about the issue before going to staff. Not snitching is something that I learned on the street. On the street, people have threatened to kill me if I ever did. I knew they meant it. I'm not on the street. It is still important that I try to work issues out with my brothers in the house before I bring it to staff's attention. So far, I haven't had to say anything to anyone about anyone. Everything that's going on always ends up coming up without my saying a word. This place has eyes and ears.
I have known something for a long time. Three things will always come out. The Sun, The Moon and The Truth. This is why I try to live my life in The Truth today. Do I tell everyone, everything about me? Believe it or not, No. Why? Because in the past I have done things I am not proud of. They are even hard for me to accept. I was not living in The Truth. At times, I even referred to God as The Truth.
Living in The Truth doesn't mean everyone has to know everything. I think it is important to share everything with someone at some point in one life - in confidence. I don't think it's totally wrong to tell a white lie to protect someone either - although I'm not completely sure about that this.
In the Garden of Eden, there was no place for secrets or shame until they ate the forbidden fruit. We are all human. We all make mistakes. In some ways, I believe this may be a part of God's plan. At the same time, I believe that when we "sin", God gets angry and God gets sad.
Perhaps God has a plan. One thing I am certain of - Good will ALWAYS prevail. Might as well join the winning team.
My best friend was Susan. I lost Susan because I could not live in The Truth all the time because of my addiction. Addiction is commonly referred to today as a disease. I believe that word could easily be replaced with the word demon. Especially since the only remedy for addiction seems to be a God of ones understanding. A higher power.
I am now making new friends. I want my best friend to be God. I am finding myself in constant prayer with God sometimes. It helps me get through my stressful day. Until yesterday, so did cigarettes. I'm praying to be relieved of that demon.
One of the guys said to me, "You'll have a reason to smoke every day here if that's why you do it." He's right.
I look at my recent struggles with others as a test. In many ways, I have passed. I said before, I tend to lash in - not out. Smoking is one way I do that. In that respect, I have recently failed. I'm not beating myself up for it, but I want to quit while it is not a bad habit. I need to trust more in God. There may be those who say, "Oh great, the junkie's found god!" Well, there right. This is serious business for me. That doesn't mean I don't want to enjoy myself here. When my homeboy played the little "hide the iPod" joke on me, it came at a bad time.
I had just left the GA office and was treated with no respect. When I came back, my iPod was nowhere to be found and my homeboy who hid it was somewhere. He had forgotten about his trick on me. My suspensions were towards the two guys getting kicked out for stealing. El Papi Chulo was really upset. I wasn't as supportive as I would have been for him because of my situation. I never accused him, but my head was really messing with me. When I wasn't around people, I kept saying "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" I don't like this!
I told Susan the story later and she said, "You need to chill out, it's just an iPod!" She is right. I'm an addict and it was frustrating and the timing was horrible! That's why I tell my homeboy he needs to start working his program. He needs to quit treating this place like it's a game or vacation. It's my life.
I do love this guy. He has told me in confidence he will be leaving. By the time this blog will be posted, he'll be gone. I try to respect his trust in me, but it has created problems for me and for the program. I'm not going to staff to let them know. I don't like these kind of secrets! Homeboy, if you read this, I love you and I'll be your friend but the problems you have created aren't necessary here. I'm sure I'll be encouraged to not hang around him when he does leave. I hope not, but he'll probably relapse. I don't know. That's why I hope he changes his mind. When it's all said and done, It's his life.
When we sign up for this program, we are being invested in. Our intentions need to be clear. I hoped and hope he may stay, but I suspect he will not. I hope he stays clean. I can't really understand his motives, but it does seem he really wants to stay clean. CityTeam is a hard place to be.
As my homeboy likes to say, "They work you like a Hebrew slave!" He's lazy. He's the first to admit it. My take on it all comes from The Bible:
Luke 12:48
"But he that knew not, and did not commit things worthy of stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him, they will ask more"
I didn't really need The Bible to understand this. I'm glad it's in there though. It supports all I had already come to believe. I always believed that for me to live a good life, because of all the wrong I have done - I will have to do a lot of good. A lot of cleaning up my past. A lot of working on myself. A lot of being an honest and trustworthy person. A lot of putting up with a lot. A lot of helping others. A lot of serving God.
Much has been given to me, therefore, much will be expected of me. That's really what this blog has always been about over the years - God. I know that most people have probably not seen the things I have seen as a result of my behavior. Not as much will be expected of most people. I always wanted to help people know that there really is a God. I don't really understand it and even have my own doubts sometimes - even after all I have been through and witnessed, but I do know this to be true in my heart.
I have always known it was important to not be selfish and to commit my life to helping others. I'm starting to see that committing my life to God's Will will take care of those things and more.
I am glad I did not point my finger at the two guys who got kicked out - especially El Papi Chulo. I did not like the way I felt when he was packing up. He kept asking me if I found my iPod and saying, "See, they got you man." The thing with addicts is, they'll steel your things and then help you look for them! He had three years clean from his drug of choice. I couldn't believe he would do that. He didn't. I wasn't alone in my suspicion. Much of the house was ready to strip search these guys.
Saturday, many of the guys were at at a funeral. I filled in for a job that I have never done - security. I kept people in line for the food so we can make a path for the dishwasher and the bathroom. I also made sure people didn't spend too much time in the bathroom doing who knows what. It's not a hard job. You catch a couple attitudes but most people are really grateful. When they do cause trouble, it's easy to simply inform them that they will not be able to eat if they carry on with there bad behavior. It's when dinners over that they sometimes lose it and "throw their plate across the room". That type of behavior is rare here, but I've seen it happen.
The bathroom is across from our locker room. On Saturdays, we have volunteers come in and do foot care in our locker room. We are told every Saturday, "Lock your stuff up!"
One of the guys, "Rudy", forgot to lock up his briefcase with a lot of his stuff in it and someone stole it. This guy is a good guy, but he has some anger issues and is frequently frustrated with the program. We all have these issues to some degree. I try not to react. I try to always be grateful. I still get frustrated.
Needless to say, his briefcase getting stolen had him really frustrated. I could certainly relate to having something stolen and I felt bad for him, but I've been around long enough to realize I should keep my distance. I hated when people say to me things like, "You shouldn't have left it out!" That helps.
Sometimes we forget. Later that day, there was a mix up. A church group was supposed to be bringing dinner to serve our evening guests and us. At 5:15, we realized they weren't showing. We eat as a house at 5:00. We serve dinner to our guest at 6:00. There weren't many of us here. The few guys who were here were fairly new because we are all on restriction and have to be here.
I was assigned to evening dishes and my homeboy was assigned to be helper. The church was supposed to cook and bring in paper plates, so it was supposed to be easy. With them no showing - it of course was not. Tex (the guy who lived in a hole in the ground in Golden Gate Park for nine years), my homeboy and myself busted it out and had dinner ready for 150 people in forty five minutes! When it was over and we were tired and hungry, the kitchen was a mess.
I had suggested we eat the same food as the guests so it would be easier than making two different meals. My homeboy wanted to eat cheeseburgers. They were very good and he even bought some of the ingredients himself. However, cooking a bunch of greasy cheeseburgers made a bigger mess. I told him, "Your gonna help me clean this kitchen up!" He said, "Don't trip, I won't do that to you."
At dinner, Rudy sat across from me. He was really angry about getting his stuff stolen. While at our table, he asked something I think he might have already knew the answer to, "Who was working security?" I said, "I was." He said, "Oh my God!". I wasn't completely sure what that meant but I said, "Don't point the finger at me!" He jumped up and said, "I'm not pointing the finger at you!" Then he stood right next to my chair, almost touching me and said, "You don't know who your fucking with man!" I said, "Sit down, cause I'm not getting thrown out of this program!" Then Tex said, "Both ya'll shut da fuck up! I'm tired everyone acting like a bunch of fucking kids around here and disrespecting one another. Shut the fuck up!" Even this made me a little frustrated, but I understood what he was saying. I'm tired of it too!
After I ate, I pulled the nicotine patch off my arm and went outside and smoked a cigarette. When I came back in, I went back to the kitchen and it was an absolute mess. We didn't have time to clean as we went. As I said, I had suggested we eat the food we fed the guests, but my homeboy just had to have cheeseburgers. He walked back into the kitchen and said, "Hey, I have to go meet my wife at the Metreon. It's my birthday tomorrow." Of course. Happy Birthday.
He did ask one of the guys, the guy from Boston who has been here for seven months to cover for him. He covered. He's a better worker anyway. He's a good guy. He also told me that I handled everything well. All the guys here that are working good programs and the staff here see I am really trying and seem to like me. I have issues too, but I'm working on them.
While I was cleaning. I prayed for Rudy. I had been praying all day. He's not on restriction and had left. I prayed he didn't use. I prayed we'd work it out. One of the guy who used to be an atheist said, "That shit's going to happen here. At the end of the day, we are all brothers." Tex said to me, "Your a good dude." I kind of needed to here that.
When Rudy returned, he walked up to me, put his fist out and said, "I'm sorry dude." I said, "I'm sorry if I miss understood you." I really do understand he was having a hard day and was frustrated. I was too. The next morning, he cooked breakfast. The cook picks someone to pray each morning. Rudy picked me.
Picture a bright blue ball just spinning, spinning free
Dizzy with eternity.
Paint it with a skin of sky, brush in some clouds and sea
Call it home for you and me.
A peaceful place or so it looks from space
A closer look reveals the human race.
Full of hope, full of grace, is the human face.
But afraid, we may lay our home to waste.
There's a fear down here we can't forget hasn't got a name just yet
Always awake, always around singing ashes to ashes all fall down.
Now watch as the ball revolves and the nighttime calls
And again the hunt begins and again the bloodwind calls
By and by again, the morning sun will rise
But the darkness never goes from some men's eyes.
It strolls the sidewalks and it rolls the streets
Staking turf, dividing up meat.
Nightmare spook, piece of heat, you and me, you and me.
Click, flashblade in ghetto night. Rudy's looking for a fight.
Rat cat alley roll them bones. Need that cash to feed that jones
And the politicians throwing stones
Singing ashes, ashes all fall down.
Commissars and pin-striped bosses role the dice
Any way they fall guess who gets to pay the price.
Money green or proletarian gray, selling guns instead of food today.
So the kids they dance, they shake their bones
While the politicians throwing stones
Singing ashes, ashes all fall down.
Heartless powers try to tell us what to think
If the spirit's sleeping, then the flesh is ink.
History's page, it is thusly carved in stone
The future's here, we are it, we are on our own.
If the game is lost then we're all the same
No one left to place or take the blame.
We will leave this place an empty stone
Or this shinning ball of blue we can call our home
So the kids they dance, they shake their bones
While the politicians are throwing stones
Singing ashes, ashes all fall down.
Shipping powders back and forth
Singing "black goes south while white comes north"
And the whole world full of petty wars
Singing "I got mine and you got yours."
And the current fashions set the pace.
Lose your step, fall out of grace.
And the radical he rant and rage, Singing "someone got to turn the page"
And the rich man in his summer home,
Singing "Just leave well enough alone"
But his pants are down, his cover's blown
And the politicians are throwing stones
So the kids they dance they shake their bones
Cause its all too clear we're on our own
Picture a bright blue ball just spinning, spinning free
It's dizzying, the possibilities. Ashes, Ashes all fall down.
I had just left the GA office and was treated with no respect. When I came back, my iPod was nowhere to be found and my homeboy who hid it was somewhere. He had forgotten about his trick on me. My suspensions were towards the two guys getting kicked out for stealing. El Papi Chulo was really upset. I wasn't as supportive as I would have been for him because of my situation. I never accused him, but my head was really messing with me. When I wasn't around people, I kept saying "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" I don't like this!
I told Susan the story later and she said, "You need to chill out, it's just an iPod!" She is right. I'm an addict and it was frustrating and the timing was horrible! That's why I tell my homeboy he needs to start working his program. He needs to quit treating this place like it's a game or vacation. It's my life.
I do love this guy. He has told me in confidence he will be leaving. By the time this blog will be posted, he'll be gone. I try to respect his trust in me, but it has created problems for me and for the program. I'm not going to staff to let them know. I don't like these kind of secrets! Homeboy, if you read this, I love you and I'll be your friend but the problems you have created aren't necessary here. I'm sure I'll be encouraged to not hang around him when he does leave. I hope not, but he'll probably relapse. I don't know. That's why I hope he changes his mind. When it's all said and done, It's his life.
When we sign up for this program, we are being invested in. Our intentions need to be clear. I hoped and hope he may stay, but I suspect he will not. I hope he stays clean. I can't really understand his motives, but it does seem he really wants to stay clean. CityTeam is a hard place to be.
As my homeboy likes to say, "They work you like a Hebrew slave!" He's lazy. He's the first to admit it. My take on it all comes from The Bible:
Luke 12:48
"But he that knew not, and did not commit things worthy of stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him, they will ask more"
I didn't really need The Bible to understand this. I'm glad it's in there though. It supports all I had already come to believe. I always believed that for me to live a good life, because of all the wrong I have done - I will have to do a lot of good. A lot of cleaning up my past. A lot of working on myself. A lot of being an honest and trustworthy person. A lot of putting up with a lot. A lot of helping others. A lot of serving God.
Much has been given to me, therefore, much will be expected of me. That's really what this blog has always been about over the years - God. I know that most people have probably not seen the things I have seen as a result of my behavior. Not as much will be expected of most people. I always wanted to help people know that there really is a God. I don't really understand it and even have my own doubts sometimes - even after all I have been through and witnessed, but I do know this to be true in my heart.
I have always known it was important to not be selfish and to commit my life to helping others. I'm starting to see that committing my life to God's Will will take care of those things and more.
I am glad I did not point my finger at the two guys who got kicked out - especially El Papi Chulo. I did not like the way I felt when he was packing up. He kept asking me if I found my iPod and saying, "See, they got you man." The thing with addicts is, they'll steel your things and then help you look for them! He had three years clean from his drug of choice. I couldn't believe he would do that. He didn't. I wasn't alone in my suspicion. Much of the house was ready to strip search these guys.
Saturday, many of the guys were at at a funeral. I filled in for a job that I have never done - security. I kept people in line for the food so we can make a path for the dishwasher and the bathroom. I also made sure people didn't spend too much time in the bathroom doing who knows what. It's not a hard job. You catch a couple attitudes but most people are really grateful. When they do cause trouble, it's easy to simply inform them that they will not be able to eat if they carry on with there bad behavior. It's when dinners over that they sometimes lose it and "throw their plate across the room". That type of behavior is rare here, but I've seen it happen.
The bathroom is across from our locker room. On Saturdays, we have volunteers come in and do foot care in our locker room. We are told every Saturday, "Lock your stuff up!"
One of the guys, "Rudy", forgot to lock up his briefcase with a lot of his stuff in it and someone stole it. This guy is a good guy, but he has some anger issues and is frequently frustrated with the program. We all have these issues to some degree. I try not to react. I try to always be grateful. I still get frustrated.
Needless to say, his briefcase getting stolen had him really frustrated. I could certainly relate to having something stolen and I felt bad for him, but I've been around long enough to realize I should keep my distance. I hated when people say to me things like, "You shouldn't have left it out!" That helps.
Sometimes we forget. Later that day, there was a mix up. A church group was supposed to be bringing dinner to serve our evening guests and us. At 5:15, we realized they weren't showing. We eat as a house at 5:00. We serve dinner to our guest at 6:00. There weren't many of us here. The few guys who were here were fairly new because we are all on restriction and have to be here.
I was assigned to evening dishes and my homeboy was assigned to be helper. The church was supposed to cook and bring in paper plates, so it was supposed to be easy. With them no showing - it of course was not. Tex (the guy who lived in a hole in the ground in Golden Gate Park for nine years), my homeboy and myself busted it out and had dinner ready for 150 people in forty five minutes! When it was over and we were tired and hungry, the kitchen was a mess.
I had suggested we eat the same food as the guests so it would be easier than making two different meals. My homeboy wanted to eat cheeseburgers. They were very good and he even bought some of the ingredients himself. However, cooking a bunch of greasy cheeseburgers made a bigger mess. I told him, "Your gonna help me clean this kitchen up!" He said, "Don't trip, I won't do that to you."
At dinner, Rudy sat across from me. He was really angry about getting his stuff stolen. While at our table, he asked something I think he might have already knew the answer to, "Who was working security?" I said, "I was." He said, "Oh my God!". I wasn't completely sure what that meant but I said, "Don't point the finger at me!" He jumped up and said, "I'm not pointing the finger at you!" Then he stood right next to my chair, almost touching me and said, "You don't know who your fucking with man!" I said, "Sit down, cause I'm not getting thrown out of this program!" Then Tex said, "Both ya'll shut da fuck up! I'm tired everyone acting like a bunch of fucking kids around here and disrespecting one another. Shut the fuck up!" Even this made me a little frustrated, but I understood what he was saying. I'm tired of it too!
After I ate, I pulled the nicotine patch off my arm and went outside and smoked a cigarette. When I came back in, I went back to the kitchen and it was an absolute mess. We didn't have time to clean as we went. As I said, I had suggested we eat the food we fed the guests, but my homeboy just had to have cheeseburgers. He walked back into the kitchen and said, "Hey, I have to go meet my wife at the Metreon. It's my birthday tomorrow." Of course. Happy Birthday.
He did ask one of the guys, the guy from Boston who has been here for seven months to cover for him. He covered. He's a better worker anyway. He's a good guy. He also told me that I handled everything well. All the guys here that are working good programs and the staff here see I am really trying and seem to like me. I have issues too, but I'm working on them.
While I was cleaning. I prayed for Rudy. I had been praying all day. He's not on restriction and had left. I prayed he didn't use. I prayed we'd work it out. One of the guy who used to be an atheist said, "That shit's going to happen here. At the end of the day, we are all brothers." Tex said to me, "Your a good dude." I kind of needed to here that.
When Rudy returned, he walked up to me, put his fist out and said, "I'm sorry dude." I said, "I'm sorry if I miss understood you." I really do understand he was having a hard day and was frustrated. I was too. The next morning, he cooked breakfast. The cook picks someone to pray each morning. Rudy picked me.
Picture a bright blue ball just spinning, spinning free
Dizzy with eternity.
Paint it with a skin of sky, brush in some clouds and sea
Call it home for you and me.
A peaceful place or so it looks from space
A closer look reveals the human race.
Full of hope, full of grace, is the human face.
But afraid, we may lay our home to waste.
There's a fear down here we can't forget hasn't got a name just yet
Always awake, always around singing ashes to ashes all fall down.
Now watch as the ball revolves and the nighttime calls
And again the hunt begins and again the bloodwind calls
By and by again, the morning sun will rise
But the darkness never goes from some men's eyes.
It strolls the sidewalks and it rolls the streets
Staking turf, dividing up meat.
Nightmare spook, piece of heat, you and me, you and me.
Click, flashblade in ghetto night. Rudy's looking for a fight.
Rat cat alley roll them bones. Need that cash to feed that jones
And the politicians throwing stones
Singing ashes, ashes all fall down.
Commissars and pin-striped bosses role the dice
Any way they fall guess who gets to pay the price.
Money green or proletarian gray, selling guns instead of food today.
So the kids they dance, they shake their bones
While the politicians throwing stones
Singing ashes, ashes all fall down.
Heartless powers try to tell us what to think
If the spirit's sleeping, then the flesh is ink.
History's page, it is thusly carved in stone
The future's here, we are it, we are on our own.
If the game is lost then we're all the same
No one left to place or take the blame.
We will leave this place an empty stone
Or this shinning ball of blue we can call our home
So the kids they dance, they shake their bones
While the politicians are throwing stones
Singing ashes, ashes all fall down.
Shipping powders back and forth
Singing "black goes south while white comes north"
And the whole world full of petty wars
Singing "I got mine and you got yours."
And the current fashions set the pace.
Lose your step, fall out of grace.
And the radical he rant and rage, Singing "someone got to turn the page"
And the rich man in his summer home,
Singing "Just leave well enough alone"
But his pants are down, his cover's blown
And the politicians are throwing stones
So the kids they dance they shake their bones
Cause its all too clear we're on our own
Picture a bright blue ball just spinning, spinning free
It's dizzying, the possibilities. Ashes, Ashes all fall down.
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