I don't have a lot of time. I feel
horribly sick. I have a lot to do. I said if I put anything ahead
of recovery, I'd lose it. I have. I'm about to be homeless again.
I need to move out which means I will no longer have a business. Even if I could get it back together, based on my history my chances of staying clean are not good and the consequences are way to dark.
I don't
know where to begin. I look around and I just don't know how to
begin. I hate everything I become when I use. Sometimes writing
helps me. It was supposed to help others.
This is so hard for me. The hardest
part for me is how so many people have helped me and been there for
me and I threw it all on just two runs. It's not like I didn't know
it would happen if I chose to use. I recently even wrote about how I would lose it all if I did. I was obviously on my way. I just
reach this point of tunnel vision.... Addiction is so confusing to
me. Many never make it. Others stay clean. This gives me hope.
I am going to do everything I can to
get into another program. It won't be easy, but it's what I have to
find a way to do! I also have to complete it. I really don't want
to be in an institution, but like I said in a previous blog, with
freedom comes responsibility. It is so important that I Give to Live.
Being a sick and selfish addict, I have done a lot of bad things.
Just going to recovery meetings is giving. I wasn't even doing
enough of that. Hopefully I find a program that I can work on my
recovery and I can work to help others. That really does matter
to me. As hard as that last program was at times, it was the giving that meant everything to me.
Being AN addict for 29 years and being as hardcore of an addict
as I am, it will take a lot of work to stay clean. I can see how I wasn't doing what I
should be doing and doing things I shouldn't have. I'm sorry for a
lot of the things I wrote in previous blogs. I knew I was heading down a dangerous path and was trying to be honest. I wasn't honest about some of my behavior that I shouldn't have been doing. It's like my Pastor once told me, "It's the decision, before the decision, before the decision." I'm a sick person. I
need help. I'm desperate. I need God. There are no guarantees for
me, but I have faith I will get into a program.
With that said, this blog will probably end. It just got me into trouble last time. Maybe... I don't know. I have so much more I need to figure out right now. Writing helps. I really appreciate all the support over the years
and especially the last 8 ½ months. It helped me get 7 ½ months clean. 7 ½ months is the longest I
have ever stayed clean. A lot of people helped me do that. I'm
sorry about all this. Especially to those who were really there for
me when I really needed help. Addiction is such a selfish disease.
I'm sorry.
I will try to let people know if I get
into a program. So many have tried to get in touch with me lately. I figured I'd at least take some time to write so people know I'm alive.
I am just now getting to a point where I can even talk to people again. I'm sorry if I haven't gotten back to you if you read this. I'm trying to get my head together... I have
to move out tomorrow. This is all so hard for me. I chose to use.
Things were so good and I was looking forward to so many good things. I was really looking forward to seeing my family in February.
Please don't think I'm giving up. I'm just trying to surrender. I
loved feeling alive! It had been so long since I felt that way. I miss it. I want to feel alive again someday. I must
learn from my mistakes. I love so many of you. Hopefully, I will
let people know how things are going some day, somehow. I may even write this blog again someday. It may be a
while. I will miss it. In order to live, I do need to give. For now, I'm alive and I have 2 days clean. Thank you God.
THE END. (for now)
Ooh, I can see that you've got fire in
your eyes And pain inside your heart So many things have come
and torn your world apart
Oh baby, baby, baby Don't give
up Don't give up Don't give up
(If you want love) If
you want love, you've got to give a little (If you want love) If
you want faith, you just believe a little (If you want love) If
you want peace, turn your cheek a little
Oh, you've got to
give You've got to give You've got to give to live
An
empty hand reaching out for someone An empty heart takes so little
to fill It's so much easier to push instead of pull
Oh
baby, baby, baby Don't give up Don't give up Don't give
up
(If you want love) If you want love, you've got to give
a little (If you want love) If you want faith, you just believe
a little (If you want love) If you want peace, turn your cheek
a little
Oh, you've got to give You've got to give You've
got to give to live
Each man's a country in his own right Oh,
everybody needs a friend One friend, one God, one country No
man need defend, yeah
I believe in fate and destination But
so much of that lies in our own hands If you know what you want,
just go on out and get it
Oh baby, baby Just don't give up,
no, no Don't give up, yeah, yeah
(If you want love) If
you want love, you've got to give a little (If you want love) If
you want faith, you just believe a little (If you want love) If
you want peace, turn your cheek a little
Oh, if you want love,
you've got to give (If you want love) oh, give to live (If
you want love) you've got to give You've got to give, you've got
to give to live (If you want love)
(If you want love) oh,
oh (If you want love) oh, oh (If you want love) oh, oh (If
you want love) oh, oh
I really wish I didn't have to write
this blog. I relapsed. For someone who was just barely making it
sure hasn't made things any easier. I can't even really write still.
I've been clean for something like three days, but my head is still
a mess. I'm still hearing voices. This doesn't make anything easy.
I have been working for the past couple
of days. What I have to do get back and forth to work is physically
hard. Using makes me physically week. And, all the tension in my
shoulder aggravates that pain. And, mentally it is important that I
be focused if I want to sell anything. I'm exhausted.
I'm trying to stay somewhat positive
and do the next right thing. I hung out with some good friends last night and took a lot of photos of all the craziness
from after the World Series win. Ironically, the last time I had a
big relapse the Giants were in the World Series. I had just relapsed
from the time I got clean from being in the ICU in 2010. Susan and I
saw Stone Temple Pilots at The Warfield the night they won in 2010.
I was a mess. I was definitely better last night, but I hadn't used
for a couple of days and I had slept some.
The problem seems to be is that I was
doing things I shouldn't have been and not doing things I should have
been. It's easy for me to think back at some of the things I was
writing and should have seen it coming. In fact, while I may not
have been lying about anything, I was doing things I shouldn't have
been and wasn't telling anyone. I was planning on telling on myself
and stopping. Now, things are more complicated. Most important, I
was probably only getting to about one recovery meeting a week for
the past month. I kept planning on finding some in my neighborhood
so I could get to more but.... Like I said, anything I put before
recover, I'll lose.
I don't know what to say. It's like I
never left. I ended right back in hell. That drug messes my head up
so much. It depletes all the happy chemicals in my brain so I am of
course depressed. So much has changed since I last used. The worst
part is the return of fear. Things may have been difficult before,
but I didn't have the fear using gives me.
I don't have as much fear is I did, but
I still have it. Some of you may have seen that photo I took of the
devil and I had as my banner. I did it for Halloween, but I
commented that, “This just might really be the devil”. For me it
is. I'm writing this at my place where I don't have internet access.
I want to get that photo deleted from my Facebook as soon as I get
somewhere with internet access. I don't like that it was up the whole time I was out. It is where that devil display is
actually displayed that makes it the devil for me. I may explain the
details of this someday, but for now, I think I should stay away from
this whole subject.
It just all really ads up to me. Now I
struggle with The Truth. I let so many down. So many have helped.
I'm getting ready to go to a recovery meeting that specifically deals
with my issues. I hate feeling this way. My mind is just not really
back yet. Not that it was really in the right place before. I can
see that now. I'm too close to losing everything for this to ever
happen again. And, I said there was more than a million reasons why
I shouldn't use in a previous blog and there is. I was wrong to do
so. Very wrong. Hopefully, I can learn from all this. If it's
worth anything, I am sorry, but that's just pathetic.
Thank you to all of you who were there
for me when I was coming out of this mess.
"Look mummy, there's an aeroplane up in the sky"
Oooooooo ooo ooo ooo ooooh(x 3)
Did-did-did-did-you see the frightened ones?
Did-did-did-did-you hear the falling bombs?
Did-did-did-did-you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter
When the promise of a brave new world
Unfurled beneath a clear blue sky?
Oooooooo ooo ooo ooo ooooh
Did-did-did-did-you see the frightened ones?
Did-did-did-did-you hear the falling bombs?
The flames are all long gone, but the pain lingers on.
Goodbye, blue sky
Goodbye, blue sky.
Goodbye.(x 2)
I really don't want to go on and on
about this. I feel like I really need to let this subject go more
than I do. The subject is of course Susan. I mentioned how lately
I've been sad about how things went for us. How living in this
neighborhood has brought back memories and going to the Fillmore to
see that Dead cover band brought back a lot of memories.
I guess I am just entering back into
normal life and have a lot of time to think. I am very grateful
for the rehab program I was in, but it was just not normal life. It
also gave me a lot more to think about all the time. So much of my
normal life today also is a life that Susan existed in for many
years. Especially during the clean times. My being a street artist
and living in San Francisco has a lot to do with it. And when I say
living, I mean actually living. Something we couldn't always do
together because of my addiction. However, when we did, we really did.
I feel like a big baby about all this
sometimes. I've just had a lot of strong emotions lately. I wrote
in the blog, He's Gone about how every time I would go into
Walgreen's to buy a syringe in that last year when I was using and
when things were really falling apart for us there always seemed to
be a song playing that spoke to Susan and my relationship coming to an
end. I have no idea how to explain how hard what the two of us went
through together was for us. It was really hard. Love and addiction is so complicated, confusing
and heart breaking.
My next trip into
Walgreen’s on my way to work the morning after I posted that blog was no different. I guess Walgreen's plays a lot of love
songs and a lot of love songs are break up songs. I'm sure this song speaks to plenty of people. I
guess it was Saturday morning. I was feeling pretty down already. I
needed to pay rent on Sunday - $185 for the week. I had $100.
Normally, making $85 on a Saturday would be a low amount. However, I had
made $84 all week! And that included a Sunday which I made zero! I
was at least grateful that the Walgreen's on the way to The Wharf
excepted food stamps so I could at least buy lunch so I stopped in on my way to work.
The song that I heard when I walked
through the door is one that really seems to describe what Susan and
I went through at the end. If I wasn't feeling pathetic enough! It
is such a beautiful song, but it just made me so sad or emotional or
something. It's been in my head for a couple of days now. I don't
know why, but sometimes it helps me to write about this stuff. I
actually like the song too. I love their voices together. I'm
really trying to get over it.
Susan always tried to love me until I loved myself. I remember one day we were walking down the street and I was a tweaked out mess. We saw someone had written on the sidewalk the famous words of The Beatles, "All You Need Is Love." She commented something like , "If only that were true!" I think the lyrics
to this song (and even the video) pretty well sum it up for how it went for us.
I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough.
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough.
Well, I finally made enough to pay the
rent today. I said I was working on a fine margin here, but this was
cutting it a little close. I also said I'm getting just what I need
as I need it. Once again, I am. I had the absolute slowest week
ever. Finally, today was pretty good, but it was still a slow week.
I'm still figuring things out I guess. I think I'm going to work at
The Wharf this week. My small display doesn't seem to be able to
compete well at the Ferry Building. I may try downtown also.
The Ferry Building and The Wharf are
very different. The Wharf consists of a lot more Chinese street
artists. They are very nice, but, they just do things a little
differently. There presences creates more of a bargaining market
atmosphere. This little Chinese lady next to me selling jewelry kept
saying, “Hello pretty lady. I have something you gonna like!” It
seemed to work for her too! Maybe I should try that line. I'd
probably get slapped.
There is a lot more money to made at
the Ferry Building, which is why I have worked there for years –
when I was clean of course. Or, when I was using for that matter. I
shot a lot of that money I made back then into my veins. Things sure
are different now. I don't have someone to pay the rent. I don't
have a van. I don't have my big display.
I'm grateful for what I have. I am. I
knew going small would decrease sales. It seems it has a lot more
than I thought it might. I chose to work at the Ferry Building all
week with my small display. It could have just been a bad week, but
I think I'll stick to The Wharf. We'll see. I'm also going to try
downtown.
The street artists are so funny.
Most like to set up at one location or the other. To them the place
they choose to sell is the best. The other locations "have a bunch of
assholes selling crap." This makes me laugh. They are all good
people. I have worked all locations over the years. They always ask
me about the other locations before they give me that opinion.
“(Their location) is much better! They sell a bunch of crap at
(the other location)” I'm glad they feel that way, because the
other street artists at the other locations want them to feel that
way! They talk about how everyone at (the other location) is crazy! Actually they are all crazy as far as I see it. I guess I fit right in.
I just outgrew everywhere but the Ferry Building
because you can have a large display there and again, that's where
the big money is. However, it seems being somewhere in the middle of
potential money earnings for a street artist, the wharf is probably
where I will make the most – I think. With my small display, I may
make a lot less at the Ferry Building, and a little above average at
The Wharf. A little above average is still a lot less than I used
to make at The Ferry Building but more than I would make there
now – if that makes any since. I think it does. I've done
this a while. Like I said, I'll try downtown too. As long as I do
better than last week - at the Ferry Building! I did pretty good
today – at The Wharf. I used to do so good at the Ferry Building.
Move on Dave.
I was just feeling so defeated all
week. I try not to let it get under my skin, but it just does. Especially when I didn't have enough to pay rent and my landlord is –
well I don't like to talk bad about people. He's a character. "The bosses” are going to be inspecting our rooms Wednesday. It
still beats being homeless or in a program. I don't have anything to
hide. I do get frustrated when I have my rent on Sunday and he's not
here. Then, he calls me on Monday at 9:00 PM and says he's coming to
get the rent. He'll only take cash - of course. So I say, “I'm
here”. By midnight he hasn't showed, so I call him. He says, “Oh,
I'm not coming tonight.” I wasn't waiting up or anything.... So I see him Tuesday night and I of
course have his rent for him and he says to me, “You know your rent
is due on Sunday.” So I said, “You know, I'll gladly slip a check
under the door to the office every Sunday – I'm not putting cash
under that door.” I've already had $125.00 worth of gift cards
Susan mailed me never show up. All the mail is left on a table in
front of the office. It's just my world. She's going to mail me
something else – certified. I need a PO Box. That doesn't work
for everything, but still....
It's still getting better all the time.
Susan is still always trying to help me. She is very sweet to me
still. I don't want to depend on her though – at all. She's done
too much for me in life – including save my life. If anything, I
still owe her. And, if I ever get to a point where I am not poor, I
will pay her as much as I can. She insists I owe her nothing. She
always tried to give me half of everything after our divorce, but I
refused that! I even wrote that on the divorce papers. She has
still helped me in so many ways.
I really don't mind being poor. I
would like a little more secutity when it comes to money in the bank
I guess. I don't want to have to worry about “the boss” if I
don't have the rent. I believe the money will come in time. I
believe. I've had a lot of expenses lately. I use to average about
$200.00 a day when I had a van and a place and nothing to really
worry about. I figured if I averaged half that with my new
situation, I would make it. I guess I was until this week. I guess
I'm just worried because I just scaled down to that small display.
Well I had it the week before but that was Fleet Week and I did great
– but, that was Fleet Week. I had to make a judgment call. I
didn't want to pay another months rent at that storage unit and I was
just breaking my back to only be set up six hours a day. I need to
give it all more time, but so far it seems I was doing better with
the big display – six hours a day. The Wharf is where I belong for
now.
Does anyone even care about this crap?
Shooting up would be a lot more exciting. Or at least getting laid.
None of that is true, but that's really all I think about sometimes
when I feel defeated like I have lately. I guess it's about wanting
to escape really. First I think about getting laid, then I think
about shooting up and getting laid, then I just think about shooting
up. I try not to think about those things. The thing about shooting that evil drug is it's
like have a huge orgasm. The only thing that feels better than shooting that
drug is shooting that drug and having sex. In fact, that drug is so
f'd up that if I do a big enough hit, I'll have an orgasm. It's
happened to me before. I know you all wanted to know that. That
drug is just..... sick really. I'm not the only one that this
happens to either, but please kids don't do that crap. Because after
all that amazing sexual orgasmic stuff, the devil rams a flaming
pitch fork through your brain, you lose everything and the only thing
you can think about is – doing it again until eventually your a
permanent resident in hell - and I wish I could sum it up in a way that was more realistic to just how mentally and physically horrible it is. It's a dark and horrific spiral into hell. That is until hopefully, God helps you out, but
don't take your chances please. God is amazing, but we need to make good decisions. Hell is not an easy place to get out of
– even on earth. If anyone needs to remember that, it's me.
That would be one costly orgasm. I'd
loose everything. EVERYTHING. Possibly my life. And, if I'm in
hell on earth when I die, then..... I'm not going to use. I feel
like a real piece of garbage for being so selfish and to have wasted
all that money and time when I had Susan to help me and take care of
everything. I can't tell you how bad that makes me feel. Poor me,
right? That was just the earthly stuff. That drug feels that
good however - that I kept risking, “one more time” enough
times to lose it all and maybe more. Thank God it wasn't more.
Never again. I hope and pray.
Speaking of sex and hell, last night there was this guy on the corner of Columbus and Broadway with a bull horn and friends with big signs saying, "Sinner, Fornicator, Homosexual...." He was saying, "Look at you all, you're on Broadway! You are sexual sinners!" I felt like saying, "Hey man, I live here." But, then I realized that pretty much the reason I ended up with a place on Broadway is because I am a sexual sinner. In fact, the reality for me was I was really wanting to be a sexual sinner last night. That's just the truth. Feeling down makes me want to feel good - somehow! I'm not saying it's right, it's just how I feel. It's what my brain "does." That is one area of my "addiction" that I am very quick to dismiss as not really part of my addiction at all. It's not really. See?
I also got that $3000 hospital bill
this week. I'm meeting with them on Wednesday to try to get my
Healthy San Francisco straightened out. Apparently, I don't have it
yet. I would have never gone to the hospital for those tests had I
known that. Or, I would have gotten it first! Being homeless makes it
hard to get mail to know I was supposed to meet with them at the end of last year. It's a long story, but, I
think it will be okay. I hope. I asked two people at two desks,
“Will there be a fee for this?” I got two, “Nos”.
Obviously, I was asking the wrong people. However, the lady on the
phone at Healthy San Francisco said they should still cover it. I
hope so.
I think I'm right where I am supposed
to be. Having a lot of money right now may not be a good thing. I'd
probably be in a different mind set if I did however. I don't know.
Man, I feel so selfish for all that I did in the past. I'm sorry
about this blog. I really am. It's not really been anything very
Godly or helpful or inspiring lately. I guess it's honest. Honestly
ridiculous. I'm sorry about my attitude right now. I need to be a
lot more grateful. I hate feeling this way. I can't use. I wanted
to say “That sucks,”, but actually, that's a blessing.
What sucks is that I had to hurt and
lose Susan to get to this point in my life to where using is not an
option I can choose. It's just not. It's so much more than all that
too. It's huge. I was sitting behind my stand today and I had to
think to myself, “There are a million reasons why I cannot use.”
Just then I looked over and was looking right into the eyes of a
little girl with down syndrome. My first thought was, “and, you're
one of them.” Seeing her also reminded me there are more than a
million reasons why I can't use. It really is that huge. I know this
in my heart. We must all do the next right thing all the time or as
many times was we can - when we can.
I remember when Susan and I were in
Seattle. Before we flew there, I had just gone insane again and
was getting a staph infection on my arm. I was kind of miserable,
but tried to make the best of it. We were there to see the Bengals
play the Seahawks. I nearly ruined that trip like I ruined so many
other things. I at least went. We went to the Experience Museum.
They have these rooms like recording studios you can go into and play
instruments. In one they had a guitar and a keyboard. I started
playing Not an Addict by K's Choice and Susan chimed in
perfectly with the keyboard playing the notes to the lyrics. It
moved me so much. I didn't even think she paid attention to my
guitar playing back then – especially that song. I don't know why
I used to think she didn't care about me as much as she did. It was that stupid drug.... And stupid me. She did
so much for me. I do miss her. I know things are what they are, but
I guess I have a lot of sadness and guilt still. She's a good
person. I hope she gets all her kind soul deserves.
If there was ever a song that described
what it was like to be an IV drug user, it's this one:
(10/21)
Quickly: Before I put that video up, I would like to say that I had a great day financially today - at The Wharf. I was worried I would not be able the pay the rent at the beginning of yesterday. I almost made enough today to pay two weeks rent. I now have enough to pay this weeks, next weeks, and part of the next. I hate to say it, but I feel so much better now. Now I want to get laid! I'm just being stupid. Actually, my messed up mind goes there all the time, however, I actually don't really have that urge nearly as much as I do when I don't do well. I think it's a couple of things really. One, I get my since of approval from EVERYONE buying photos from me. Making money also feels good, so I kind of get my fix that way. I know this is such a deep subject. There is some truth to what I am saying. I know some of this is rediculous, but I am trying to be honest about my rediculous brain. It does kind of help me at least.
I think more than anything is I can just breathe a little easier now. I think everyone wants to feel a since of security like that. That uncertainty just had my head spinning. I still need to be responsible.
Now, I want to go watch the end of the Bengals game. If they could just win, it will be a really great day! Every bar in town has only the Giants game on every TV right now - except one. On my corner is a Steelers bar - go figure. I think the Giants game is almost over so I guess I'll wait and watch the end of the game at Tupelo. They have good fries and this really hot bartender who is really friendly and wow.. Plus, I don't think I could stomach hanging out with Steeler fans. Who Dey!
Oh yeah, this song, like I started to say. In my opinion, if there was ever a song that summed up how it feels to be an IV drug user and how using goes for an IV drug user:
Breathe it in and breathe it out
And pass it on, it's almost out
We're so creative, so much more
We're high above but on the floor
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
The deeper you stick it in your vein
The deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain
I'm in heaven, I'm a god
I'm everywhere, I feel so hot
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)
It's over now, I'm cold, alone
I'm just a person on my own
Nothing means a thing to me
(Nothing means a thing to me)
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)
Free me, leave me
Watch me as I'm going down
Free me, see me
Look at me, I'm falling and I'm falling.
It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive I feel...
It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)
I'm not an addict...
Gina asked me how I was taking the
Red's loss the other day and I told her I could hardly do sports
anymore. I told her I preferred art and music because there are
no losers. This doesn't mean art and music doesn't also stir up
strong emotions however. I really realized this last night at The
Fillmore.
It's the first time I've been to the
Fillmore in a long time. I went to Jerry Day (another Grateful Dead related event) right after Susan left
for Cincinnati and it didn't stir up that many emotions - maybe it did. I had A LOT going on that
day. More than I even realized that day. Susan left Friday, I had my "fun" on Saturday, Jerry Day was Sunday, I was put on restriction at that program on Monday and kicked out on Tuesday.
I
guess I haven't had much of a chance to take it all in. Seeing Dark
Star Orchestra last night was really emotional for me. It was weird.
They are so good. They sound just like The Grateful Dead. The Jerry guy even looks like Jerry and the Bob guy looks like Bob. Especially their mannerisms when they are singing. It's kind of like they are acting, but it's more about recreating every aspect of the sound that they "act" the way they do - if that makes sense. It's important for the Bob guy to jerk his head away from the microphone for instance to get that same sound at the right time.
The cool thing is they pick
out an actual Grateful Dead show from the past and recreate it song
for song - and the do it well! I figured they would play a couple
songs that brought back memories but it seemed every single song
spoke to me somehow. In fact, many were songs from blogs I have
already written. It was really weird. It turns out they played a
show from July, 1991 in Detroit. I wasn't at that show,
but that's around the time I was going to shows. Sus and I went to
shows from 1990 until 1995 when Jerry died.
My one
“trip” to Detroit for a Grateful Dead concert was the most messed up on LSD I had ever been.
It was ridiculous really. Susan wasn't with me for one at this one (I usually got extra messed up in this case)
and I ended up eating so many different forms of LSD. I was kind of the guinea pig.... It was probably about
the equivalent of 50 hits. I ate a bunch of mushrooms too, but the
LSD was this crystal wash stuff – LSD in it's purist form. It's the left over stuff that the sheets are dipped in. It's a
long story and I don't want to tell it. I'm really
not trying to glorify it either. It was stupid. I kept blacking out
and....it's a long and crazy story. I didn't usually get that
messed up at shows. It actually made me think that I might have a problem. Maybe?
Yesterday
I was working and I figured out how to view Facebook on my MetroPCS
phone. It's like a generic Blackberry. I call it my Dingleberry. I decided I should see if I could put something on Facebook
so I simply posted the first thing that came to my mind - go figure. The first thing that came to my mind was, “Nothin
left to do but smile, smile, smile!” I didn't even know what Dead
song that came from, but I felt pretty happy I was getting to go to
see Dark Star so it sounded good to me.
Then,
this hot little tweeker chick at the plaza started shooting up right in front of me. I
was so attracted to her when she did that. It was messed up. She
was messed up. I still think it was hot. She was nuts, but she was hot. That drug makes one that way. Nuts that is. Hot sometimes too. One certainly feels hot. I wanted to feel hot and be nuts with her! It really had my heart racing. See how messed up I am?
I noticed some other street artists watching her. I walked over to
them and said to my friend John, “I would have never been so
obvious....” He interrupted me in his New Zealand accent and said “You are not allowed to
think about it – at all!” I have lots of people looking out for
me. John has been a good friend for a long time. He's a kind, gay teddy bear. He's now the
Street Artist Manager! He got really frustrated with me when I would relapse over the years. He was always very good to Susan too.
Pretty
much all my street artist friends know my story. Does that surprise anyone? I've known them for
years. Most are very cool. Some are addicts themselves. Some are clean and some aren't.
My friend Rich who is from Indiana who goes to church with
me now said, “Everyone figured you were dead.” I almost was. I tried. I was in hell that's for sure. He saw me months ago when I was homeless. He bought me a pack of cigarettes, a drink and gave me five bucks. I had one hit left. I went into one of those "self-cleaning" bathrooms on the street to shoot my last hit. When the door opened there was a woman putting on her makeup for the night. I told her I just needed to be in there a for a minute. As I rolled up my sleeve and did my hit, she said, "would you like a....?" I could tell what kind of lady she was so I said, "I only have $5." She said, "Okay." I mean - I just did a hit of speed.... Should I tell Rich that? Should I have told you that? Like I have said, those two things go hand and hand. It's a messed up world out there.
I left a little early to go to the show. When I got home. I can't
believe I can say that – home! Home! So when I got home,
I turned the radio on. It was an all request hour on KFOG. The
first song I heard requested was, Touch of Grey. That
song has come to mean so much to me. I've always loved it, but it
really has a lot of meaning to me these days. It actually started back when I was in
the ICU. It's more Susan's story here. She went to Walgreens while
I was in the ICU. She knew by now I would live, but had no idea if I
would ever be normal again. She said that song came on and it meant
to her what it meant to her. “We
will get by. We will survive.”
I also believe she hoped the “silverlining” would
be that I quit using – if I got my “cookies” back.
Walgreens
must have that on their play list, because after I finally relapsed I
heard it a few times every time I went to buy a syringe there. The song playing was
usually a song that spoke more to our relationship coming to an end,
but when I heard that one occasionally, I always thought of her telling me that story.
It's
the song that I chose for the blog that I wrote the night I found out
she was pregnant. Right after she told me, I went to Brainwash. The
first thing the comedian on stage said was, “I'm 37 years old and
my uterus is screaming for a baby.” Susan was 37. I remember
writing in that blog, “It's as if the comedians know what's going on.” I of
course was not going to write what I knew until it was okay with
Susan someday. Assuming there were no complications, I knew everyone would know someday and as I've said in the past, I prefer things to come from the horses mouth. Well, I may not be the horse here, but I didn't want people to judge her and I always want people to know the hell I put her through. She's a good person. One of the best.
I
remember writing that “I don't have a song for this one”. I then
thought of one. I felt, "It's even worse that it appears, but, it's alright."I had been praying for God's will for Susan. I
realized this may be it. Still, I knew that “Every
silver lining has a Touch of Grey”. I of course named that blog, Touch of Grey.
I
left Brainwash and my friend “the devil” was waiting for me
outside. He “had a $20 for me”. Susan and I had ran into him a couple of days before. The devil and I both talked of how good we were doing and he told me I helped him. I told him how he helped me. He really did. Both the man who became the devil and the devil as a voice in my head helped me - in a dark kind of way. Ironically, The devil as a voice in my head actually told me that Susan would get pregnant just a couple of months before this actually happened - with his own evil twist to it of course. It was still one of those undeniable things the voices told me would happen, before it happened, that did happen.
I wanted to write a blog called, Friend of the Devil, the day Susan and I saw him, but just never had the time. I've missed so many opportunities like that. I was the best man for one of my best friends and he played that song for me at his wedding. "Took my $20 bill and it vanished in the air...." I can't tell you how many times the devil has done that to me! How in the world did my friend know I would be the Friend of the Devil someday?
After leaving the devil that night I saw so many syringes on the
street on my two block walk back to Soul Assistance. I knew using
would help nothing. In many ways, using is what created the "mess" I found myself in anyway. It hurt.
It's
the first song I heard played at Jerry Day two days after Susan left
for Cincinnati which turned out to be two days before I was exited from Soul
Assistance. It's the first song Dark Star played last night.
I
probably won't get the order correct and I don't feel like looking
it up but the also played, I Need a Miracle. That's one I wrote
while in the program basically saying, “I
Need a Miracle, Everyday!”
I still do. And I'm getting one too!
They
also played Throwing Stones.Throwing Stones is the blog I
wrote when “Rudy's trying to pick a
fight” with me –
the first time. They actually went in out of that song throughout the whole second set. I love when they do that. I love that song.
I
was wondering what song they were going to play that I could use for a
blog. I had already used so many. Then I heard the first two notes
of He's Gone
and I knew that would be that song I would be using. I realized, “That's
where those lyrics, 'Nothin left to do but smile, smile, smile!' come
from”. It's some of
the other lyrics that had had me already thinking in the past it would be a blog title
some day. Esecially, “He's gone, he's
gooone and nothing's going to bring him back. He's gone” That's
bascially what Susan concluded I was the last year I was using. In many ways, I was. She
actually thought it would be best for me to die. I was really that gone. I remember
years ago my friend who I was his best man sent me a song on Facebook. It was
He's Gone.
I don't know whny I'm not saying that friends name. It's Marty. It's not like he did anything wrong here. I'm just so used to not saying peoples name from the past being in that program. Marty has always been there for me when I need him. He has been supportive for so many years. At the time he posted that on my Facebook, I was gone, but I never knew if he realized how much I really was and how seeing that made me think he somehow knew more. In my world he did. I also believe that in many ways, the two of us are connected - as are many of us.
I
figured since they were playing San Francisco, they may choose a show
that would have the lyrics, “Somewhere
in San Francisco, on a back porch in July, just looking up to Heaven
at this crescent in the sky. Standing on the moon with nothing
better to do, a lovely view of Heaven, but I'd rather be with you.”.
I kind of hoped they
would play it Saturday Night, the night I wasn't going! Standing on the Moon is the
song Susan and I danced to on our wedding night. Standing on the Moon was the title of the first blog I wrote when I
started writing this blog again for the first time in over a year - back in February. I was homeless at
the time. Actually, I was starting to stay at a shelter and had been
going to the library.
It was seeing President Obama that morning
that inspired me to start writing again! In fact, I saw him again last Monday night.
That's the third time this year! He just happened to be crossing
Market Street at 10:00 at night when I was biking home from my book
group. I didn't see him nearly as good this time as the first, but I
saw his limo and his silhouette. I should reiterate, Beaty's Babbling
Brain Blog endorses President Obama! Perhaps we too are connected. Poor man. I heard that man's voice in my head quite a bit, which meant in my world, I too was in his! What a waste of time for the President of the United States, huh? He was always too the point, but generally kind about it all. I knew I shouldn't be there - in his head that is. Poor Susan's head. And, you all better hope I don't relapse! Especially the ones I have gotten closet to. I have no idea where everyone is in that world, but I'm pretty sure they are somewhere.
Susan has told me she can't listen to Standing on the Moon either. I used to play it on guitar. Now, I can't. I have it in my book of songs I play on guitar all the time. Every time I'm paging through it looking for something to play, I flip past it really fast when I see it. I'd just rather not play it. We used to love hearing it live at shows together. Hearing it brought tears to my eyes at the show. It is still a beautiful song though.
I
have to stop. I have so much to do right now. Perhaps I'll finish
this tomorrow night. I'm tired, but I have work to do and I have to
go to Cafe Greco to get online to pay my phone bill! I'll be glad
when I get internet access here. In time. It's all coming together
slowly but surely.
(10/14)
Today
sucked. I've never zeroed on a Sunday. The Bengals lost to the
win-less Browns. Like I said, I can't hardly do sports anymore. I'm
realizing art is emotionally hard too. Well, I guess since I am the
type of artist who uses a camera, this can make it even harder. I just got home and was looking
for some photos to print and in doing so, I have to see all of the photos of Susan and I together over the years. I've been experiencing that a lot lately in my search for
certain photos I took over the years. I'm trying to get my files
organized. I have a lot to be grateful, but I think it's important
I'm honest about my feelings too.
I
did go to church this morning. I went with my friend Rich who is a street artist. The sermon was about how it's a given we will experience
pain and it is important we mourn pain. The pastor said that we
actually release toxins in our tears. The sermon spoke of how the
meek will inherit the earth. In some ways, I really feel this
applies to me. I believe it is extremely important I don't try to
sugar coat things to make myself feel better. When I hurt I hurt. That's life. I want to be an inspiration, but I would rather be honest about how I'm feeling than sound positive all the time.
More
than anything I feel like laying down. Well, not more than
anything, but I'll spare you all those details. I do believe things
will be just fine and I am truly grateful – even though I said I
wouldn't do that. It is just true. So is what my feeling down makes
me crave - true that is. Should I take a walk? Should I take a run? I'm just going to rest. I
know what I'll do – I'll lay in bed and watch a movie! I actually
am grateful I can even do such a thing. In my HOME.
Thank you God - and
Richard.
(10/16)
Where was I? I feel better. I'm still working my butt off for next to nothing, but, "...it's all right..." I've been taking my guitar to work with me the past two days. I've really got Touch of Grey down pretty good. It's really a fun song to play. It has a really cool chord progression and awesome lyrics. I was playing it yesterday behind my stand and this couple with a baby stroller were standing out in front of me. I noticed about the same time they did, their tiny little baby was dancing in her stroller! We all smiled very big. It made my day.
Okay, I need to finish this blog. What's been happening since work? Wait, I need to finish talking about those songs they played Friday.
I thought they were going to play Women are Smarter, but it ended up being Iko Iko, Susan loves that song - Women are Smarter. It is a good song. I used to play it on the guitar all the time. It made Susan happy! I stopped playing it because I just don't believe it to be true anymore. That's a joke ladies - of course it's true. I mean I do want to.....some day. And, I've just got so much going for me! Perhaps we can have a date in one of San Francisco finest "self-cleaning" bathrooms! I think the actual name of the song is Man Smart, Woman Smarter. Most likely.It's never been a blog, I thought it was going to be that tune for sure however. It made me smile.
They also played Wharf Rat. I included Wharf Rat in the blog I wrote years ago before I could even put videos in my blogs. That blog was Contrails. Ironically, I just re-posted that blog about a month ago - this time with that video in the blog. The Wharf Rat's are also the group of Deadheads I was at the show with. We are a group of deadheads who have chosen to be clean but still enjoy the music. We set up a table at each show for support of anyone who may need it during the show. It's a great group of people. I am even the facilitator of a group of Wharf Rat's on Wednesday night. I like having that as a commitment.
I haven't really used "concert going" drugs in almost ten years, however, before the concert, someone outside the show said, "Doses, shrooms, GHB" I was by myself at this point and almost my default a voice in my head said, "Yes, Yes, Yes!" Really old habits die hard I guess. I of course walked on. It's still nice to have other clean friends in such an enviroment. I really don't regreat doing all the LSD, but I don't want to do it again. I really don't ever crave it either.
They had to of course play Brokedown Palace. Brokedown Palace is the blog I wrote the day Susan left for Cincinnati. That was another one that brought tears to my eyes. "Fare you well, fare you well, I love you more than words can tell, Listen to the river sing sweet songs, to rock my soul." I just went back to find the blog and read a bit of it. Now, I'm sitting at Cafe Greco with my eyes full of tears. Oh well. The blog was actually called Don't know why - Brokedown Palace.
When I look back at all these blogs, I can't believe I made it through all this without using. I still don't want to - use drugs at least. I feel lonely, so....
They also played The Wheel. I guess I wasn't always making it through all this without using. This fact is evident in my blog The Wheel. I wrote that blog when I was trying to get clean. "Won't you try just a little bit harder, couldn't you try just a little bit more!" My getting lots of support from many of you back then is in so many ways is the reason I have what I have today. Thank you.
They played Not Fade Away too. I could have swore I used that one, but I can't find it. Maybe I started to. Who knows? Maybe it's within a blog with a different title. I'm just glad people can no longer think or say about me - "He's Gone."
I'm "off" tomorrow!Well, I have a lot of work to do, but I am not going to set up my display tomorrow which to me makes it feel like I'm off. My head just started spinning! "Where should I go? What should I do? Where might "she" be?" I better go home. Home! I don't want to end up "gone" anymore!
(10/17)
I have seven months clean today.
I went to the DMV and had them resend my license that "someone" from Soul Assistance sent back. I ran into Daniel of the Lions Den, from Soul Assistance while there! I've been wandering about that kid. He's doing good. I gave him my number. The last time I was at the DMV, I took Leonard Sizemore, from Soul Assistance, with me so he could also get his ID. This was the day before I was exited from Soul Assistance. I, of course, used their address for myself. I really had no idea they would kick me out the next day. It is what it is.
I got a bill from Generally Hospital today for $3000.00. I could explain the details of it all, but basically, I hope I can clear it up. It initially had me feeling defeated. It still does a little. Feeling defeated makes me want to say "F___ it!" I took a nap instead. That helped - some. I made life hard. It still beats being "Gone". I need to remind myself of that a lot today. I of course chose to use a video from Dark Star Orchestra. The "Donna Jean" character was not there when I saw them Friday. I didn't go Saturday night, but another character showed up to play with them - Phil Lesh!
It's kind of been a hard day, but there really is "Nothin left to do but smile, smile, smile!"
Rat in a drain
ditch, caught on a limb You know better but I know him Like I told you, what I said Steal your face right off your head
Now, he's gone, now he's gone, Lord, he's gone He's gone, like a steam locomotive Rollin' down the track, he's gone, he's gone And nothin's gonna bring him back, he's gone
Nine mile skid on a ten mile ride Hot as a pistol but cool inside Cat on a tin roof, dogs in a pile Nothin' left to do but smile, smile, smile
Now, he's gone, now he's gone, Lord, he's gone He's gone, like a steam locomotive Rollin' down the track, he's gone, he's gone And nothin's gonna bring him back, he's gone
Goin' where the wind don't blow so strange Maybe off on some high cold mountain chain Lost one round but the price wasn't anythin' A knife in the back and more of the same
Same old, rat in a drain ditch, caught on a limb You know better but I know him Like I told you, what I said Steal your face right off your head
Now, he's gone, now he's gone, Lord, he's gone He's gone, like a steam locomotive Rollin' down the track, he's gone, he's gone And nothin's gonna bring him back, he's gone
Like a steam locomotive Rollin' down the track, he's gone, he's gone And nothin's gonna bring him back, he's gone Ooh, nothin's gonna bring him back Ooh, nothin's gonna bring him back Ooh, nothin's gonna
Man I felt like crap today. I've kind of been sick all week, but this morning, I really didn't feel good. Sunday night, I was really sick. Going to work on Monday was not even an option. This morning, I felt sick again, but felt I wasn't sick enough to skip work. I decided to lay back down for a few and didn't wake up until almost 10:00 AM, so finally said, "Forget it!"
Monday, I slept until 4:00! I felt horrible. I felt better by the end of the day. I even went to my book group Monday night. It consists of 5 lovely ladies and a rocket scientist/deadhead. My kind of people, right? In all seriuousness, it is a good group of people. And, those lovely ladies are very intelligent and kind. And the rocket scientist. I mean he's a rocket scientist! Well, he used to be. Once a rocket scientist always a rocket scientist as far as I'm concerned. I just got interrupted by good ole Hefe Grande on Facebook! I love Hefe. He's doing very good. He is now living in Colorado and is working as a chef. I promised him I would come visit him eventually. I have a lot of friends in Colorado. He reminded me that we still have a trip to Mexico City to take together. He has family there. I also now have a place to stay in Beijing, but I need to be patient for that trip. The first place I want to visit is home - Cincinnati. I also want to get to Oregon to visit all my amazing friends there - aka The Hot Chocolate Kids.
I like nicknames. I talked to Gina today and she thought it would be funny if I gave God a nickname. Actually, I told her I kind of already did. I started by calling God, "The Universe" in the early days. And, I also like to call God "The Truth". Perhaps she was looking for something more fun, like "Big Daddy in the Sky" or "Godzilla". What about a nickname for Gina? I once thought "Daughter Earth" would fit her since she's so earth conscious. Maybe just plain old "Nerd" would be best. I love Nerds - especially Gina. She's a good sport! I guess she'll stay Gina - Nerd. Where was I? I'm in a good mood now. It was so nice to hear from Hefe. We don't all die and go to prison or become homeless! In fact, many of the guys I met at Soul Assistance are doing well. I will be forever grateful for that place, but I am so glad I'm gone. Man, some of those guys..... I have been going there once or twice a week for the past two months to get my ID that was being mailed there. It finally came, however, the person who handled the mail was on his way to work the other day and didn't have time to get it. He said to come back. I stopped to get it the other night and I was told, "They sent it back!" I don't want to get started. It's not like I wasn't going there all the time asking for it. Goodness! Oh well, I'm sure it won't be a hassle at the DMV.... I love that place, but it was always something..... Which makes me realize that my time with My Little Dark Angel might have been time well spent! It just might be one of the best _____ I ever had. Enough of that! It was still wrong. I sure think about it a lot. I need to straighten up my act here! Lets change the subject. I love North Beach. It pretty much seems to be inhabited by cops, firefighters, mobsters and strippers. I think if I walked into any one of the cafes and said, "Hey, Frankie!", the entire place would turn around and look at me. Do you know how you can tell if a frog is Italian? Wait until it hops away and see if he says, "Ribbitderci!" That's stupid. I'm actually glad I stayed home today. It ended up raining! Not a lot, but enough. I can't believe it's already raining. I think the last time it rained, I was homeless! Maybe it rained a couple of times while I was in the program. It didn't really remind me of being homeless. Being homeless in the rain sucked. Which reminds me of something else that sucks in the rain - being a cyclist! The absolute best way to get around in this city by far is on a bike. It's the fastest, funnest and healthiest. However, it sucks when you are sick or when it rains. So, when you are sick and it rains - it really sucks. And death monsters, please be more aware of us when it rains. It's bad enough you cut us off or park in our bike lanes when it's dry. Having to slam on my brakes because some idiot woman on her cell phone turned right in front of me in the rain is no fun. I've seem to many cyclist go down that way. And, why do death monsters have to park in bike lanes all the time. Why don't death monsters park their own big lanes and block death monster traffic in huge death monster lanes? Oh, I know why - it would make the other death monsters mad! Bike lanes are not death monster parking spots, even for a minute! I know it sucks to park those big things, so...ride a bike! Or, drive around until a proper space is found. Boy, I just went off, huh? I promise I'm all about coexisting out there, but sometimes.....
I had to go pick up a prescription on the other side of town at General Hospital for my pain in my shoulder. It's non narcotic. It says it's for chronic pain and depression. I thought that was weird (the depression part). I have been feeling depressed a little lately, but I really don't think I'm clinically depressed. I just think I messed a lot up and have reason to be sad sometimes. I was prescribed it for chronic pain anyway. And, since my doctor is so damn cute, I trust her. When's my next appointment? Now that I have been approved to stay at my place, I went to my ONE REMAINING storage unit to get some things (I emptied the one by the ballpark yesterday. I'm going with the small display full time and I can keep all of it at my place)! While I condensed my things to one unit, I got some things - like an armoire and rugs and some pictures to hang on the wall. It definitely feels a lot more like home, which is great. However, it does feel like the last home I remember having well over a year ago. This is good and bad. I'm grateful to have what I have, but many of my things remind me of my life here with Susan of course. Again, this is good and bad. It just makes me a little sad I guess. Many of the things I found were things (like paperwork) just before I lost everything with her. It was kind of frozen in time.
My place exists because of Susan - and Richard! Richard gave me a TV and DVD/VCR player with a whole bunch of movies. Having this was nice today being sick! He also gave me a whole bunch of other things! I keep telling him how much I owe him and he keeps telling me he'll take me up on it. However, it seems my helping him will also be very cool. He wants me to help him host this event at the Roxie Theater for his films and also help him make a film! I'm looking forward to these things! I mean, he's been helping me do things like move furniture! He's helped me a lot of ways. He's been a great friend.
Many others have helped me get to this place I am today too. I can't forget Donald (Buckeye) and Debra and Lisa and Claus! Those guys let me stay with them after I was exited from Soul Assistance. I would never gotten to this point without them! All these people are absolutely awesome. And Donald is hooking me up with tickets to Dark Star Orchestra at The Fillmore and in Napa! Or, like I told Gina today, those tickets came from God! I''m going on tour! Thanks Donald - and God!
When I was talking about escaping the other day, I knew I wouldn't. It was just feelings and cravings I was having. I did escape by running I guess. That's not so bad. During all those thoughts, one song after the other came on the radio reminding me not to give up. I'm not kidding, it just didn't stop. Life will continue to improve. Life will be life, but it will improve. Life is beautiful. I can't even remember all of the songs, but I do remember the last one I heard before I walked out of my place. Which reminded me, this is so much bigger than my just wanting to escape. It's not nearly that simple. How can I forget just how big all this really is and where I have been and where I go! Where I stay by not giving up is so much better! I suspect it will only continue to improve. After all I have gotten, it is important that I continue to give - anyway I can.
One, two One, two, three
Wake up kids We've got the dreamers disease Age 14 we got you down on your knees So polite, you're busy still saying please
Frienemies, who when you're down ain't your friend Every night we smash their Mercedes-Benz First we run and then we laugh till we cry
But when the night is falling You cannot find the light, light If you feel your dreams are dying Hold tight
You've got the music in you Don't let go You've got the music in you One dance left This world is gonna pull through Don't give up You've got a reason to live Can't forget We only get what we give
I'm coming home, baby You're tops Give it to me now
Four a.m. we ran a miracle mile We're flat broke but hey we do it in style The bad rich God's flying in for your trial
But when the night is falling You cannot find a friend, friend You feel your tree is breaking Just then
You've got the music in you Don't let go You've got the music in you
One dance left This world is gonna pull through Don't give up You've got a reason to live Can't forget We only get what we give
This whole damn world can fall apart You'll be ok, follow your heart You're in harms way I'm right behind Now say you're mine
You've got the music in you Don't let go You've got the music in you One dance left This world is gonna pull through Don't give up You've got a reason to live Can't forget We only get what we give Don't let go I feel the music in you
Fly high, high What's real can't die You only get what you give You gonna get what you give
Just don't be afraid to leave
Health insurance rip off lying FDA big bankers buying Fake computer crashes dining
Cloning while they're multiplying Fashion shoots with Beck and Hanson Courtney love and Marilyn Manson You're all fakes
Run to your mansions Come around We'll kick your ass in
Don't let go One dance left Don't give up Can't forget Don't
