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| Treasure Island |
I took today off. I feel like a bum, but I think it was a good idea. I have actually been working one way or another every day, including today really, for a while now. I have not worked as much today. I have also been moving - for like two months! I went to a recovery meeting at noon today. I had to. I will go to another tonight. I've been neglecting them a bit. I've been going to them, but not every day. It's said that anything put in front of recovery will be lost. I can attest to this. If I use, I will lose everything. I've worked too hard for this to happen.
What I do is very demanding. I love it a lot, but it is demanding. When I say I work 5 days a week, that's not really true, because I have to work on my "off" days. Don't get me wrong, I love every part about what I do, but it can be hard. I like this kind of hard. I was so tired last night.
I found myself resorting to old addict behavior. Let's just leave it at that. Old addict behavior had me wanting to shoot up pretty badly.
When I was looking for my own place, I purposefully avoided certain neighborhoods because of all the drugs that would be present. My second "drug" of choice is very present all over this neighborhood. It's the suggestion that get's to me a little. I tried to get a place in Chinatown, but could not. It's not like sex isn't all over Chinatown too.
I didn't use drugs and that matters. I need to refocus on my recovery. I get lonely in my little room. I should probably stay out of the neighborhood bars. I'll be glad when I get approved to stay in my new place and I can get internet access. That will help a lot. For now, I found a nice little and more affordable coffee shop in the neighborhood. It's called Brioche Bakery. It's safe for me. They are really nice to me here also.
The beautiful thing about this recovery stuff is I get my life back. The hard part about this recovery stuff is I get my life back. I am who I am. I have my vices. I went to sleep at 9:00 last night and slept until almost 11:00 today! That's long for me. One thing I'm grateful for is I can sleep these days. That old addict behavior had me feeling a little hung over last night and today I must admit. I woke up feeling sick this morning and decided It'd be best to rest. I think it was those strong cravings that created such mental, physical and emotional stress that exhausted me. That feeling of tunnel vision was coming on again last night. Plus, my working hard lately had me tired. I push that heavy cart about two miles a day. I'm glad because I like the exercise, but I guess I was getting a little tired.
Something I was able to do today in my room that really helped me was pick up my guitar. The first song I played without even thinking about it was a song I have been playing with these guys I play with every Wednesday night. I really love the song a lot. It is beautiful. However, when I really listen to it's words, they are kind of haunting to me. I wrote a blog years ago about this song. It's words speak so true to where my using takes me. It felt like that's where I was heading last night in a place that was starting to feel like my own little HotEL CaLifornia.
"And still those voices were calling from far away."
On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
"This could be Heaven or this could be Hell"
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...
Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here
Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain,
"Please bring me my wine"
He said, "We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine"
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...
Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis
The pink
And she said "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device"
And in the master's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the beast
Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
"Relax, " said the night man,
"We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave! "
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