Home



 

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.”

   

- Carlos Castaneda

There is so much Truth to that quote.  I work awfully hard to be very miserable.  The work I do to be very happy is so much more rewarding.  I don't have to work that hard either.  I don't understand myself.  I am an incredibly sick minded person - that is for sure.



 This is the view from the north facing side of my building.  This is from the fitness center balcony on the 14th floor.

I can finally add photos to my blog again.  I'm not sure why, because I have not been behaving.  Every time I shoot that evil drug, I watch porn on my computer and gets it my computer all out of whack.   Have I mentioned what a sick minded person I am?  I am SO sick.  Even I don't understand me.  I just don't.  How could I have SO much to lose and still risk it just to be a sick freak?

I love my new home.  It's so important I keep it.  I am doing what I need to do to do so.  I am doing everything I am suppose to as far as my recovery goes - now.  I have actually been able to turn my new place into my home!  Let's see if I can put a photo of how far I have come since I have stayed clean.



HOME

God has been so good to me.  God works through so many people.  I actually feel like I take God's love for granted.  Or, I take advantage of it.  Ultimately, if I continue to do so, I will lose.  I don't even blame the devil for my wrong doings.  How could I?  I actually feel sorry for him.  He spent a little time in my head recently.  He's not ALL wrong.  Don't worry, I was nowhere near suicidal.  I never really was.  I did try to kill myself I guess.  That I cannot deny.  It's a long story how I got to that point, but I am nowhere near there now.  How insane do I sound?  How insane am I?  I'm not.  That's the scary part.

This is all so new to me.  I am on my own with my own place.  I am FREE.  With freedom comes reasonability.  This I know.   I really want to make this place my home.  It means so much.  My demons do fill me with fear.   It's important I choose to live in faith not fear.  It's just that I have already allowed my demons to enter my beautiful new home.  I've already been lost here.  It's hard for me to understand.  I do know I love that euphoric lustful rush I get when I shoot that evil drug.  I can't even think about it.  It will lead me down the wrong road. 

I know I am not alone here.  That's for sure.  These voices in my head have not left me alone since I used.  Actually, writing helps quiet them some.  Doing Good things always does.  This blog is supposed to be Good.  So many of you mean so much to me.  So many people in so many places mean so much to me.  God means so much to me.  And still, I make horrible decisions.  Decisions that ultimately lead me to hell.

It's important I be responsible and behave myself.  I must make my appointments.  I always do when I am clean.  Somehow, I tricked myself into believing that I could shoot up and go to my important appointments.  RIGHT!  What was I thinking.  I become an isolated freak.

Today, I have my blinds open and my door to my patio open.  It has been 65 to 70 degrees and sunny every day since I've been back home.  It's important I stay clean so I can take full advantage of this beautiful city.  I can ride my bike to all of my important appointments.  It beats my barricading myself into this beautiful apartment with the shades and patio door closed.  When I am clean and behaving, I also know I am not alone.  God is always with me.  I have so much about that fact which I need to somehow make since about for anyone and everyone, but I am struggling to make since of it myself.  Just keep a Good Orderly Direction is all I know how to advise everyone to do.  Now, if only I could.

 

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo. Oo-oo-oo-oo [x2]
Aaa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa. Aa-aa-aa-aaaaaa [x4]

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo. Ao-oo-oo-oo [x4]
Aaa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa. Aa-aa-aa-aaaaaa [x4]