GIVE TO LIVE! (part II)

"Without great love (and I mean great love) and great suffering, where there is a major defeat, major humiliation, major shock to the ego self, very few people will grow into mature faith."

- Richard Rohr

It's so much easier to push instead of pull.  I try not to reuse songs for blogs but I have to this time.  I used this one November 6, 2012.  I knew I had to Give to Live.  I knew it!  I was planning on getting back into a recovery program so I could start giving back to this amazing Universe which had already given me so much.  I didn't do that.  I nearly died.  In fact, I tried to kill myself.  I was nearly successful. 

It still amazes me that I could have tried such a thing.  I like the way my doctor referred to it.  She referred to it not as a suicide attempt, but a methamphetamine induced psychotic reaction.   Either way, if I would have been successful, I would have been the one who killed myself.

That drug is pure evil.  I don't want to get into the details of where I ended up last time, but I cannot deny that continuing to use will eventually put me back in that same dark place.  Things were so bad, I was bringing on an end to the world!  Seriously.  I know I sound insane, because I was.  However, the world was going to end on April Fools Day.  There was going to be a meteor shower.  I was responsible.  When I finally woke up in the hospital and realized what I had been through and that I survived the insanity, the first thing I saw online was:

Meteorite - not the end of the world - strikes Russia's Siberia

A bus-sized meteor exploded over Russia's Ural Mountains, sparking speculation about everything from a missile attack to the end of the world. The shock waves smashed windows and damaged buildings.

By Fred Weir | Christian Science Monitor

To me it was simply proof that what I was dealing with was real.  Armageddon would not happen and even I was given another chance.  All's I tried to do was stop hurting everyone who loved me by killing myself.  The way I believed it, the end was near and I was heading to hell soon.  Why keep harming people in the parallel Universe with my insanity?  The Good would go to a Good place and the bad would go to a bad place.  I didn't give people much time to get things right.  That was so twisted for me to want to give my life to stop hurting my loved ones. In reality, my death would have hurt my loved ones.  I was so sick, yet I was given another chance at LIFE!

I knew I had to Give to Live.  I still know this.  I know that living is what matters.  Using is in so many ways killing myself - even if I am alive.  It hurts people when I disappear.

Now, so much more has been done for me by so many.  I always hoped that some day my writing may actually be the thing the helps others.  Millions of dollars were spent saving my life and getting me back on my feet and into a beautiful high rise apartment in downtown San Francisco.  This blessing is a dream come true. 

How could I ever use again.  I did.  I wrote God a letter basically understanding that my continuing to use would mean nothing Good for me.  I just wanted it to not hurt those who had helped me.  Ultimately, that is my responsibility.  I have to Give to Live.  I must. 

I was giving back to Laguna Honda Hospital until I relapsed.   I was in the process of writing the story of a Laguna Honda patient who's j0urney through that hospital was very similar to mine.  I photographed his progress and was planning to write about his journey.  He is an amazing artist.  He's a Good guy. 

I've been clean for eight days.  I start an outpatient program with Wally World tomorrow.   I want to give back to that program.  After Wally World, I am going to Laguna Honda Hospital to meet that amazing artist who I will call Found From The Fall.  I already know a lot about him, but I plan to interview him.  I have many photos of his journey and I will take more tomorrow.  He now volunteers at Laguna Honda.  He has really inspired me to get back on the path I was on.

Perhaps someday I will be a photo journalist.  If it is God's Will then that is what I want.  I have always wanted my writing to help God somehow.  Ultimately, helping others will help God.  I do know that.  I also understand that God does not care for the thing I become when I use.  I have to know that.  The devil didn't care for me either - go figure.  I need to move past all that and do the next right thing.  I need to do Good.

I thought that my story would be Good after my "end of the world" suicide attempt.  I hoped and I beleived that I would never use again.  That's not how the story went.  I can still never use again and make a difference in this Universe.  I must Give to Live.  I have been given so many chances and so many things by so many people - and God.  This has to matter somehow.  I don't want to be something big.  Especially something big and bad.  I do feel that I need to do something big for God and all of the wonderful people who have blessed me with so much.

It matters so much.  I don't want to make a huge deal about me, but my surviving so many times is a big deal - to me.  What so many have done for me is even a bigger deal for me.  It has to be.  I have to Give to Live.  I said this back on November 6, 2012 - before I did so much wrong that I was bringing and end to the world.  I didn't give anything Good.  I have to this time.  I must. 

That letter to God was serious.  Not using was what it was all about, but I have to admit that I meant using one more time would not be Good for me.  In many ways, it wasn't.  It caused me to miss many important medical appointments and not do Good for others.  Someone who has been so Good to me needed me and I wasn't available.  He lost business because of me.  That is not okay to do to someone who has been so good to me.  I have to always be available.

I called my brother last night for the first time since I was in Cincinnati.  It was great to talk to him.  He sounded fine.  In the middle of the night, he ended up in the hospital.  He had his appendix removed.  It must run in the family.  I had mine removed when I was 12.  It was a very painful experience.  I know it's not incredibly serious if they catch it and take it out, but what if it had been incredibly serious.  What if it did rupture.  I need always be available and ready for anything.  Always.

The experience that led to my methamphetamine induced psychotic reaction was so huge to me.  I know the end of the world thing was insane.  I was dealing with the devil.  To me, it may have seemed that's what would have happened had I ended up in hell.  How could I ever have used again?  How could I now?

On April 19th, 2013 while I was in the hospital I wrote something I called "Crazy Talk".  It went like this:

It worries me because I am in so much pain. Perhaps I will use again one day. Then, I will likely kill myself. It's not like I'm making some sort of cry out for help. Perhaps I am. The bottom line is, the day I start shooting up, my call's out for help will end. Based on the way things have gone for me in my addiction pattern means that since my last drug run was only 2 ½ months, my next one will be a lot shorter. The run before that was probably 1 ½ years. It landed me homeless and in a dark place. The one before that was probably a few years long. It landed me in the ICU and emergency room a few times.

I have called out for help.  I have a lot of it.  I start an outpatient program tomorrow with a program that already helped me.  I have psychiatrist and psychologist helping me from organizations that have already been there for me.  My head is pretty messed up from everything.  Still, I have to Give to Live.  I'm starting to do that again tomorrow.  I am writing that article about Found From The Fall.  He took a very similar journey as I did into, through and out of Laguna Honda.  I will also start taking photos for Laguna Honda tomorrow.  I have to Give to Live.  I am starting to again.

I hate to repeat Give to Live over and over, but it really does matter to me.  I'm not suicidal, but I know using could spell my death.  I want to live. Eventually, using will be nothing Good for me.  Taking care of myself is important.  Losing everything and ending up on the street is killing myself in so many ways.  Using is not living.  That's a fact.  Now that I have been giving and living for a few days, I feel alive!  Alive.  I am alive.  That is a miracle.  I am not a miracle - life is.  I need always be grateful for that.  It is so important to me. 

I have gotten many chances.  This is likely the biggest one yet.  I must Give to Live this time.  I must.

 

Ooh, I can see that you've got fire in your eyes
And the pain inside your heart
So many things have come and torn your world apart
Oh baby, baby, baby, don't give up, don't give up, don't give up

If you want love
If you want love you've got to give a little
If you want love
If you want faith you just believe a little
If you want love
If you want peace turn your cheek a little
Oh, you've got to give, you've got to give, you've got to give to live

An empty hand reaching out for someone
An empty heart takes so little to fill
It's so much easier to push instead of pull
Oh baby, baby, baby, don't give up, don't give up, don't give up

If you want love
If you want love you've got to give a little
If you want love
If you want faith you just believe a little
If you want love
If you want peace turn your cheek a little
Oh, you've got to give, you've got to give, you've got to give to live

Each man's a country in his own right
Oh, everybody needs a friend
One friend, one God, one country
No man need defend, yeah

I believe in fate and destination
But so much of that lies in our own hands
If you know what you want, just go on out and get it
Oh baby, baby, just don't give up, no no, oh don't give up, yeah yeah

If you want love
If you want love you've got to give a little
If you want love
If you want faith you just believe a little
If you want love
If you want peace turn your cheek a little
Oh if you want love, you've got to give

If you want love
Oh give to live
If you want love
You've got to give, you've got to give
You've got to give to live
If you want love
If you want love
Oh oh
If you want love
Oh oh
If you want love
Oh oh