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| Late Night San Francisco |
“When you worship something, you become like the thing you worship.”
- Reverend Jay Wilson, City Church
The lust of my life is I.V. meth and sex. Does that mean I worship those things? Kind of. Is their anything Good about lusting for something. I can promise you, there is not. Especially if it's sex and drugs. Lusting for rock-n-roll is okay. Music is in my soul! I need to keep it there!
I said in my last blog that I didn't have to disclose every nitty-gritty dirty whacked out crazy detail about my life as an addict. I also said that if I didn't use and I kept writing, there would be no nitty-gritty dirty whacked out crazy details to write about. I have less than 2 weeks clean. And, I can't get her off my mind. Writing helps. And, this is the second blog in a row I am writing without using in between! I haven’t done that for nearly a year!
I do love City Church. I was introduced to City Church while I was at Christian Chaos. Christian Chaos meant so much. I was able to stay clean long enough to help Susan when she really needed help. I prayed for God's Will the whole time while there and I believe that's what happened, especially for Susan. She got everything she wanted. It was just not the way she wanted it – thanks to me always pursuing the lust of my life. The sex was usually with myself, but it was still wrong. The one very important day that sex was not with myself was the day Susan moved back to Cincinnati. I failed a major test. I didn't shoot up with Tweaker Chick, but I did have sex with her. Just doing that was practicing old behavior. In a round about way, this got me exited from Christian Chaos. Eventually, it would lead to my suicide attempt.
I made a lot of
Good friends at Christian Chaos. It doesn't take long to get
close to people when you are in a recovery program with. Months
after my exit, I would relapse and begin perusing the lust of my life
once again. Doing so led to my having a "methamphetamine induced
psychotic reaction (suicide attempt)". My attempt was nearly
successful. It was supposed to be. My death was eminent because the
world was coming to an end as a result of a meteor shower
on April 1st, 2013. I just didn't want to keep harming
my loved ones by using. They needed a chance to get things right
before the world ended, so on January 15th, 2013, I walked
to San Bruno and jumped off the highest structure I could find – a
5 story parking garage. Even I was given another chance.
Almost all of my
visitors to the ICU and the hospital for 6 months came from people I
knew in recovery. My friends from Christian Chaos were among
my recovery friends. Most of them visited me in the hospital. My
mentors from Christian Chaos and a Pastor from City Church
would also visit me often. I don't remember my time in the ICU. My
Christian Chaos friends always tell me about something I don't
remember every time they tell me about what they encountered while
visiting me in the ICU.
A few months ago, I
ran into Sam Malone at the GA office a couple of times. He,
like many of us who were at Christian Chaos was once again
struggling. The first time I saw him, he was pushing a shopping
cart. The second time, he was pretty beat up, but was about to get a
bed in a shelter. He said that when he was with me in the ICU all I
said was, “fuck, fuck, fuck....”
James Dean also visited me in ICU. I don't remember anyone’s visit while I was in the ICU. James Dean and I talked on the phone a few times while I was at Laguna Honda. He was in a shelter and drinking again. Last we spoke, he said he would be up to visit me soon. Unfortunately, that never happened. James Dean died.
Christian Chaos averaged about 15 to 20 residents. While I was at Christian Chaos for only 4 ½ months, one resident died because he went out and drank. I can clearly picture him and hear his voice but cannot recall the nickname I gave him. Also, four graduates died during my 4 ½ month stay. One of them hung around all the time. Again, I can remember his nickname. I suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury because of my jump. I use to really get confused and have a lot of memory problems, but my brain is apparently healing. I still have memory issues, but I'm not sure if orgetting their nicknames is something normal. Christian Chaos had only been open for a few years and had less than one hundred people graduate. I was only there for 4 ½ months and five people who were in that program died. James Dean was the 6th. I could have been the 7th. Addiction at the level we take it is ruthless. It's sad.
One of my roommates from Christina Chaos, El Diablo
now works at City Church. I find it amusing that I nicknamed him El
Diablo. El Diablo is Spanish for the devil. I gave him this
name because he used to be an Atheist, but more so because he had a
pointed goatee like El Diablo. El Diablo
now works at City Church. I attended City Church for the
first time in a long time today. We were talking about my recent
hospital visit. I told him how it reminded me of just how important
recovery is. I spent 6 months in the hospital! I don't know how. I
guess I had to. I was so grateful to be alive. My recent 5 day stay
in the hospital reminded me that I need to remain grateful to be
alive. How I haven't, I have no idea. The lust of my life I guess.
While talking about my hospital stays, El Diablo said that
when he ask a nurse how many bones I broke, she said, “All of
them.” She told him I cracked my skull in three places and broke
my backbone in four! I didn't even know those details. He said
another nurse said I broke one hundred bones. El Diablo said
that I was either cussing at the nurses or flirting with them. I was
drugged up, that's for sure.
Being in the hospital again reminded me just how precious life is. Thankfully, it ended up only being my gallbladder that needed to be removed. On my visit to the emergency room, they initially diagnosed me with hepatitis. My liver levels were extremely high, my liver was swollen and my recent behavior pointed to that diagnosis. Finding stones in my gallbladder on Sunday, did give me hope that I didn't actually have hepatitis. I didn't learn that I definitely did not have hepatitis until Monday, after they had already removed my gallbladder. I was in a lot of pain, but that news made me feel so Good.
As far as my behavior that pointed to hepatitis goes.... That's a another story. About 6 months ago, I did something I've never done in my 10 years as and I.V. drug user. I shared a needle. I would have never done this, but one night a person I was in rehab with came by my apartment. I had recently allowed her to stay with me one night because she was out on the street. I had no idea she used the way I did. She showed up about a week later with a lot of meth on her and asked me to shoot her up. I did. We were in my bathroom. As soon as I shot her up, she took off her clothes and got into my bathtub. That's what it does to me. As soon as I shoot up, my clothes come off. I'm not really attracted to her, but I was already high and I really wanted to join her. I was trying to reuse one of my needles but it wasn't happening. She said she was disease free so I used hers and then I joined her.
She ended up lying to me and possibly stealing from me, so I had no idea if she was really disease free. I did get checked a month later and I was negative, but there is a 6 month window for HIV and hepatitis. I knew I didn't want to ever be with her again. I also knew I would never share a needle again. When I say the lust of my life is sex and IV meth, the sex is almost always a solo act. Almost.
A few weeks ago, I met Lola Montez. If drugs weren't involved in our all night relationship, I'd be in love with her. Unfortunately, I'm in lust with her. This is why I am writing right now. Writing helps reduce my cravings. I want to be with her so bad! I want to use with her and spend the night with her again. She is absolutely beautiful! Too me, she is perfect. Have I ever said how attracted I am to Asian women? I am. She was Asian. She said she was 43 (I'm 43), but she looked like she was 29. Probably because she, like most Asian women, is in such good shape. Her body.... She was about 5'0” tall and 95lbs. I'm still in lust with her, but I can't use!
Being in the hospital reminded me that I can't use. Being with her ALL night was risky. She too is an addict. Using made our sex a marathon rather than an event. She caught me in her web. I'm not sure my writing about this is helping me. I'm certainly lusting for Lola Montez. I can't be with her. Even when I was with her and we were done having sex at about 5AM, I knew what I did was wrong.
She began tweaking out. She was telling me how her dad would kill her if she knew how she behaved. I felt the fire where she walked. She kept asking me about hell. Over and over and over she would ask me, “is it true?” She asked me as if I knew. Actually, I do. It is true. I was tweaking myself and didn't want to say to her that I knew it was. I can't talk when I'm tweaking. I shouldn't do that shit. And, I definitely shouldn't be with someone when I do. Especially a beautiful woman.
I finally left her
place and came back to my apartment building. People were leaving
for work. I was tweaking after spending an entire night of being
wrong. I wasn't happy about my behavior. I still think about going
back to her. In fact, I tried to find her building about a month
ago, but could not. I was tweaking, again. I did find a sex club in
her neighborhood called The Power Exchange, I went in there and shot
up. That was SO wrong! The devil himself would be with me after I
did that.
I have probably shared way to much information – as usual. It's like I said in my last blog, if I don't digress I won't have to talk about these things. I've been digressing a lot since I haven't been writing. If I were to ever be in a relationship, I certainly wouldn't talk about our sex life. What Lola Montez and I had was not a relationship. I still want to find her. Still. Still. Still....
I discovered I.V. meth about 10 years ago. Before that, I was definitely and addict. I was a garbage can. I drank alcohol, smoked pot, took LSD, ate mushrooms, ecstasy, special K, MDMA, snorted cocaine, smoked crack.... I had smoked meth one time, but out of a crack pipe. Then, one night I was invited into a prostitutes room. I wasn't sure she was a prostitute. I was a miserable crack head who was broke and hated crack. All I could think about when I was taking a hit of crack was my next hit of crack.
She invited me into her
room and she shot me up. I guess it was a first ones free kind of
event. That night, she brought me to her friends apartment to share
me. Her friend lived in, Fox Plaza which is the building I now
reside. What it became was in many ways a nightmare to me. I was
then introduced to this fucked up orgy scene. Guys, transsexuals and
women were involved. I didn't want to be, but I could never stop
thinking about that rush. Shoot me up and I'd be anyone’s bitch. I became a sex addict.
It fucked me up so bad. It also became the lust of my life.
I jokingly say I
was cured of all of my addictions to everything else the day I shot meth. It was just
worse than all of them combined. All I wanted was that orgasmic rush
and the hours and hours of pleasure I.V. meth delivered.
I have had so many reasons to never use. December 17th was one of the best reasons yet. Last night, I was made aware of another reason God gave me that that day mattered. I used on December 16th. I think it spilled over until December 17th. Meaning I think I might have used past midnight. December 18th is the clean date I will claim. I believe my hospital visit was no accident. They never are. That date means more than my dumb addict ass could allow it to.
I think about Lola Montez even after my hospital visit. I'm writing about it. I'm not looking for her. I could probably find her if I'm not high. I was very high that night. I can't use. I can't. This is the first time I have posted two blogs in a row with out using in between for almost a year! That's pathetic. Writing helps me. It does. Thank you for reading. I mean that.
I'm in lust with that woman, but I love this song. I love music. And, even though this song reminds me of her, it rocks. Actually, I think of her when I hear it. I was loving this song before I met her, but never imagined it would become so true to me. That's the way music works. It's not a bad thing. Turn it up. I love Volbeat. They rock.
Lola Montez so beautiful
Shady and a tempered dame
Blinding your eyes with her spider dance
Her performance utterly erotic subversive to all ideas
And for public morality
And cool as she was she didn't care
See the miner throw his gold
Lifting her skirt howling loud like a wolf
Hell raising and full of sin
When Lola was dancing and showing her skin
Wherever she walks
She'll be captivating all the men
Don't look in her eyes
You might fall and find the love of your life heavenly
But she'll catch you in her web
The love of your life, yeah.
Feel the fire where she walks
Lola Montez so beautiful
Shady and a tempered dame
Blinding your eyes with her spider dance
Well notorious I have been
But never for fame that's what she said
Dear Henry taste my whip
Never to see any words you print
Wherever she walks
She'll be captivating all the men
Don't look in her eyes
You might fall and find the love of your life heavenly
But she'll catch you in her web
The love of your life, yeah.
Oh Lola I'm sure that the love would have been
The key to all your pain
The key to all your pain
No words will later come
Did the spider bite your tongue
We will surely not forget
We will surely not forget
The Lola spider dance
Whoa!
Don't look in her eyes
You might fall and find the love of your life heavenly
But she'll catch you in her web
The love of your life, yeah
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