Demons

5/8/13
As hard as yesterday was, today was not. Yesterday still happened and its issues are still with me. One or two million  dollars is not easy to forget. 

I went to the Giants game with my friends from this hospital. It felt good to be back near my old neighborhood, SoMa or South of Market.  People in San Francisco call it one or the other.  I guess the hip newcomers call it SoMa.  It's always been "South of Market."  I want to get back to that area as soon as I can. I love this little mountain, but I want to get off of it as soon as I can.  

I may start my next blog with this. I am in pain and I am tired. That's not always a bad thing. I love life. I am alive. Thank you God.
Every since I wrote the last blog, Sister Luck poor old "Sister" has been screaming all the time.  Tonight at dinner, she kept yelling "HELP!" As I walked by, she said, "Sir, I need HELP!"  I just said, "Sister (I used her real name of course), everything is going to be okay."  I'm still tired, but I do need to start writing another blog. 

 

5/10/13

Well, I said I needed to, so I have.  This was, of course, a couple of days ago.  Sister is still so lost and confused.  I pray for her.  Today, at lunch she started by saying her usual, "Take me to 850 Powell (not her real old address)."  She then switched to "I have to poop!"  and "I have to pee!"  Sometimes she said, "If they take us all to 850 Powell, we can all poop!"  I wasn't sitting at the table with her today.  As I walked by her, she yelled, "SIR!"  I just kept walking and said, "It'll be okay "Sister" (using her real name, of course)"  She slowly put her head down.  She didn't respond.

 

I've been a bit depressed.  My dark side brought me here.  I'm very grateful to be here, but no one wants to live in a hospital.  This one is pretty different also.  It is a rehab hospital.  It is a health rehab hospital, but obviously, many people here have mental health issues.  I guess including me to some degree.  I mean I am a drug addict who attempted suicide.  Also, when I say it is different, it is in San Francisco.  I think that is enough said.

 

When I am clean, I am fairly normal - in comparison to some.  For instance, there is this guy who since he got here a few weeks ago, he has walked around the hospital talking to himself.  It is necessary that he have a nurse constantly on his patrol.  He is about 6'5" tall and is very, very skinny.   His strange being is nothing different for San Francisco. 

 

A couple nights ago, he started walking into my room.  The first couple of times, he just looked at me, talked to himself and then walked out.  I didn't say a word.  When he walks in, he only comes to my side of the curtain.  The fourth time he started asking me what I was doing in my room.  And, how long I have been in my room.  After this, he started coming in and sitting down and asking me if it was my room.

 

He JUST NOW walked in and said, "Hey, what's up?"  I said, "Nothing, how are you doing?" He said, "I was doing fine."  He then turned around and walked out.   He seems harmless most of the time, however, the couple times I have caught him going into my room when I am not in it and I have followed him in to see what he was doing, he has been opening all of my drawers an grabbing my clothes.  The first time he saw me, he threw my Cincinnati Reds shirt I had worn to the game that day at me.   I asked him what he was doing.  He said, "Yeah you gotta lock your stuff up so no body gets it!"  I said, "Yeah, people like you?"  He just looked at me and walked past me to get out the door.

 

The second time I saw him walk in, it was really bad.  I keep a pillow under my covers so I can lean my shattered ankle on it at night.  He was flinging open my covers to see what was under them.  He then grabbed my jacket and threw it at me.  I said, "GET OUT OF HERE!"  I know he has issues, but I was having a hard day also and he does need to stay out of here and off of my things!   I was nervous that he may throw my camera across the room or try to take it or something.  A $2200.00 camera that has been my livelihood in the past would hurt me to lose.   I was at least able to finally get a key from the front desk to lock my very valuable things away.  I've been asking for the key since I got in this room.  I also have a brand new laptop, two detachable hard drives, an mp3 player, a guitar and a mobile phone.  I don't look homeless, but they are the most valuable things to my name and I was asked to take photos for the hospital newspaper.

I mean, I really do want out of here some day.  The Truth is, I don't think I'm ready.  They really do seem to be rushing me.  I would love to start going to drug rehab so I can get closer to getting a job.  I mean, if I was physically healthy enough to be a street artist, I would!  I could then get a place.  I just can't physically do it.

 

I don't even know where to begin with all that I am overwhelmed with.  It brings tears to my eyes.  I can't help it.  I'm crying right now.  I have so many issues.  People see me doing better, learning how to walk.  I am.  I am pushing myself really hard because I feel like I have too.  I do have emotional issues.  I think they come from my brain damage.  AND, my reality.   The Truth is all I am trying to share.

 

I am in so much pain right now.  I finally got some cold compresses that I can tie around my ankle.  Over the past couple of days, I have asked ten times for them and I have gotten them twice. I'm not really that demanding.  I finally had to request more pain medication also.  I HATE doing that!  I am an addict!  I'm only doing so because it hurts sooo bad.  I've never requested extra pain meds until tonight.  My nurse JUST gave them to me.  They are oxycodone.

 

(A few minutes later)

I JUST NOW got back from dealing with another issue of mine.  My nerve damage/restroom issue.  I'd rather not talk about it.  I don't even talk to the doctors or nurses about it.  I have lots of pains.  Some are time consuming.   I don't like to complain or cry or wine or talk about this problem.  I like to encourage others, but my life is hard.  I made it that way.  That's just The Truth I must live by.  It is SO important that I live by it and write it.  Not all the dirty details of course, but all of the details I have learned about The Universe.  Even if my end will not be good, it is up to me to tell The Truth.  I owe it.  As a result of my dark side, I'll owe what I owe.  For that I must be prepared.  I will pray for Gods Will.  We all should. 

 

They seem to think I'll be able to be wheelchair free in a couple of weeks.  Since they say this and are also wanting me to plan my exit, I have really been pushing myself.  I do all of my physical therapy homework and I walk with my cane around the hospital "block" on my floor.  While, it is starting to feel a little bit more like the way I used to walk, I still limp and hobble.  And this is what it looks like tonight:



It hurts



As you can see, it is very swollen.  It also hurts quite a bit.  Even my toes are throbbing.  I just pray to God I'll be able to walk normally some day.  It feels like I'm walking on a sprained ankle right now.  I was at least able to help the swelling go down some"

 

Cold c0mpress and great big rubber band!  That great big rubber band is a tool I use to help me do exercises for my physical therapy. 

 

As much as I'd like to hide The Truth, I feel I need to be honest.  All this came from my dark days.  Days of shooting meth, lusting for sex, hearing voices and being insane.  I hope and pray those days are over.  Actually, its important that I remind myself, that if those days aren't over, my days are over.  Those days are where my demons hide, that's for sure!

When I pray to God, believe in God, and do Good things, I'm okay.  I know this from past experience.  Past experience has also taught me where the demons will take me - to a tough, rough and dark place. 

I'm doing my best to get out of it.  It seems things in The Universe start to overlap for me lately. 

I met this guy here a couple of weeks ago.  He was sitting at a table in one of the meeting rooms with a couple of my friends, so I figured I'd say hello.  We got to talking.  It turns out he is also an addict who got high and attempted suicide and wound up here.  They also tried to rush him out a bit.  He is now a mentor here who helps people like me find a smooth way out.  He eventually went to rehab and was helped to get an apartment. 

We already had a lot in common, AND his parents are street artists.  I know them both.  Also, his uncle is an addict and is the person who "leads" one of the two groups of meetings for Deadheads that are addicts who have chose to live life clean.  I was the "leader" of the other before I relapsed.   I saw this new friend of mine before the Giants a couple of days ago.   He said that everywhere he goes, he runs in to people who know me.  He said he was down at the plaza where all the street artists sell their art a couple of days ago and many of them asked about me and how I was doing.  He also said that he was around some of those Deadheads and many of them asked about me.

When I came back from The Giants game he was sitting inside the entrance of the hospital.  He immediately said, "Do you know Bob? (Not his real name)"  I somehow know exactly who he meant, so I said, "Bob Smith?  He said, "YEAH, I live in his building!"  Well, it turns out that Bob was our pet sitter and friend for the last 9 years that we lived on Minna Street in South of Market.  It turns out my new mentor friend lives in the building right across the street from where I lived for 9 years.  In fact, he got placed in that building.  One of my friends here now is also being placed there.  Could I be placed there too?  Probably not, but wishful thinking.  I shouldn't be so negative!

It was nice being near the old hood at that game.  It was nice talking to my favorite nurse the whole game too.  She's not a big baseball fan either.  We talked about getting together for coffee sometime after I get out of drug rehab.  It's nice to know she is a new friend!  She is nice.  In fact, she is the one nurse who immediately got me TWO cold packs when I asked her if she could.  So, out of the four I have received now, she got me half of them.  Another one was from my physical therapist!

Speaking of my swollen ankles and that game, I did make sure I walked around that stadium for everything.  I was required to go in my wheelchair, but I parked it and used my cane once there!

 

I was hardly ever in my "seat".  I think it looks cool though with my back pack!  And it is Red like my team!



And see, I was wearing my favorite teams color - THE REDS!

 

That's the only photo of me.  Well, actually, I have two others, they just all happen to have my favorite nurse!  She really is just a great friend.  She just always has a cute pose for the camera!  I think it will be nice to have her as friend to pick up a coffee with now and then.  She is a great nurse!  Truly one of the best here.

 

I really need to just tell The Truth.  That matters so much.  I can't even remember what this blog is about.  I have so much ahead of me.  I want out of hear soon, yet I don't!  I'm a bit afraid of leaving too soon and what my future holds. 

I'll end this on a positive note.  One thing my future may hold again is something I have been so upset about losing the opportunity to do.  That's possibly be The Director of Photography for my friends film!  That would be so awesome.  It's not a done deal.  I would have to get a one night pass from this hospital so I could do the shoot one evening at the 16th and Mission Street Bart Station Plaza.  The fact that I can stand and maneuver some is what got us both thinking it might be possible.  I've been thinking that way for a few weeks.  We were on the phone today and he brought it up!  If I can just get a one night pass for starters!  I'm going to start getting it worked out Monday.  I'm told it's possible!

 

While my dark days have set many things in stone for me, my days with God have and will do the same.  I am grateful to be alive. It will be hard, but I have faith that it will be Good. 

 

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

When the curtain’s call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made

Don’t want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don’t want to hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide 

 

Sister Luck

I learned a couple of days ago that that my doctors, nurses, psychologists and social workers would be meeting this morning about me.  I knew it would be about my exit date and I planned to attend.  Yesterday, it became very clear.  I had at least four people approach me about my leaving and my plans. 
 
I know how my brain damaged forgetful mind works, so I wrote a letter that I thought I might be able to read to them in the meeting.  At worst, I felt I could at least make copies for each person in the meeting.  There are nine people.  I made that many copies of course.   
 
I went to the meeting and a few of them gave a report on how  I was doing.  All of the reports were good.  I'm of course glad, but it did of course mean that I am not really going to be eligible to be in the hospital soon. 
 
I want to move on so badly, but I do still have some issues.  At the end of the meeting and for a very little time during the meeting, I was given a few moments to state some of my health concerns.  In the end it was made clear by my doctor pretty much what she came with the intentions of making clear.  That I was eligible to be in the hospital for about 2 1/2 more weeks.  I was given permission to give all who attended my two sheet paper I wrote.  I'm glad I at least wrote it.  I hope some read it. 
 
It probably won't change much either way.  I really hope my physical condition improves.  I've been in bigger messes in many ways as I have been starting drug rehab programs, that's for sure.  Mentally, I have been so insane!  One time I was at detox and the people knew every word the voices in my head spoke.  They even joined in!  They hated me as much as the voices did.  They, IN REALTY, made that so clear.  I, of course, had no choice but to sit there and let them verbally pound me since I was in detox.  After all, that detox is right next door to a huge park that I had shot up in many nights and went insane in.   This means  the voices were keeping all of them awake those times.  They let me know this.   It won't be like that, but, I still fear that my physical health is going to be slow to come. 
 
I am living by The Truth.  I love and trust God.  What I have to do is what I have to do.  I put myself where I am.  In some ways, it will be harder on me than most, but that's my fault.  I have done all I can to improve my physical health, well-being and future. 

I was told that it is time that I start talking to rehab programs so I could be excepted before I had no where else to go.  I was told by my doctor that they could at least put me in a homeless shelter.  I've been in those before.  I survived them before.  People probably would give me some sympathy for my handicaps.  There are some good people in those.  Last time I was in one, I shot up all the time.  In some ways, this didn't make me one of them. THAT WOULD NOT HAPPEN THIS TIME. 

Below is the letter I wrote:
 

David Beaty

21A Level PM

I am a patient at (This) Hospital. I am very grateful for this wonderful facility. However, The Truth is that I am overwhelmed with so many things that I have asked someone to be here with me and help me with my crucial decisions that may literally determine whether I live or die.

Recently I was introduced to The Mentor program at (This) Hospital. I just happened to be sitting next to a gentleman one evening who got here the same way I did and suggested this program to me. The gentlemen who has offered to be with me said he could be here at 8:15AM. Is it possible for us to wait a few minutes for him to arrive or is it possible for you guys to review another patient until he arrives? 

I did not speak to him until the end of yesterday when I began realizing there were so many possible decisions I may have to make about my leaving here and signing up for a rehab facility. I have recently been introduced to some other rehab possibilities and hope to review them. 

I was not wanting to sign up for programs suggested by (This) Hospital if it meant that I would have to leave to one of them upon their space availability. As far as I have come physically and as much as I look forward to moving on with my life, I find it extremely important that I do not rush out of here or make any mistake in my decisions. I have so many physical and perhaps mental conditions that I would like to address.

Last week I was extremely sick. I have been concerned about my nerve damage and the issues it creates with my going to the restroom. Specifically when I am trying to have a bowel movement . My ultimate fear did come true. I had a severe and humiliating accident in the middle of the night. This was Thursday night. It really set me back emotionally and mentally. Since then, I have not had a bowel movement. I just want to bring these issues up because I know on the outside I look healthy. I really do try to have a positive attitude.

With all this said, I guess below are some questions I have:

Will my new rehab be able to accommodate restroom issues. Will it allow for privacy, time, cleanliness and understanding? Understanding will likely not come from some. This I understand because I've been in rehabs before. While I do know that these issues are not yours, I hope that I could at least present them before possible rehabs and be given a little more time to improve upon my needs.

Will I be able to walk as soon as projected by my physical therapist? I believe in her and trust her and I hope and pray so, but, what if I can't? I have to admit, when I am with her, I manage to do all of the things she ask me to do. However, what if I do need a little more time?

Needing more time for this may also coincide with my needing more time for my nerve damage. Actually, making positive strides in walking, may help me improve in the nerve damage area. I really want to move on with life, but I feel like just a little more time may actually mean LIFE for me! I don't want to be dramatic and I do trust the doctors, but I have felt a little rushed lately. I keep hearing this magical “90 days here” number which I am quickly approaching and being told not to sign anything before it occurs. I have no idea what this means, I just live by The Truth. I hope others may too.

I love it here, but I do want to get on with my life as soon as possible.

Will rehab help me with housing? I am aware of some patients that have been helped. I WILL WORK HARD. I will be a street artist if possible. I love being one. If I physically cannot, I WILL work elsewhere. I am a hard worker. I have a college degree. It may be nice to have a pay check after working only 40 hrs per week. This may also help me stay clean. Once this starts, I will work weekends at my passion – street artist photography.

What about my medication? I know that some rehabs do not allow pain medication to be taken while there. I don't want to take drugs if I don’t need to. I'm just not sure. And, I am on SO MANY.

I am in SEVERE pain at night. I have really strange dreams. When falling asleep, it can be really strange and frightening. I do hear voices, but I know how to ignore them and I DO KNOW what is real.... “They're gonna make up with you so they can put you wherever they want to put you” is what the voice said just now for instance.... “being with someone like you makes people scared for what the universe holds.” -- “that's not it for you Dave!”. -- “Your world is not what matters to people.” This is what I hear when I listen. I usually choose not to listen.

My Medi-Cal has not yet to come through. I also just signed up for possible SSI for now. This is so I could maybe be covered until I get back to work or get a job. I just cannot be homeless or use again. That's all I pray. I put myself here, but I just pray that if my life was saved that I am given a chance on this earth. I am scared sometimes. I have a lot of anxiety. I am overwhelmed.

I care about this place. I try to help people. I take photos that I hope will appear in the newspaper and I have even made some sample newspaper layouts. I know there is so much more to it than this, but I try to be a positive person to this hospital while I am here.

I am so grateful to be alive! I just hope people trust me. I am telling the truth about what I want to do. I am not looking for a free ride. In the past, I would have always wanted to move on as quickly as possible. Just because I would have wanted freedom. That was just the addict in me. I am honestly nervous and I am trying to take the more cautious and slower road this time. 

I write a blog that has many readers. It's called Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog. Last year I wrote 100 blogs that got over 10,000 hits. It is important that I stay clean so I can survive to help as many people as I can. It's what I set out to do when I started writing it in 2006 just after my dad died alone in a hotel room of his alcoholism. I started using drugs and alcohol just after I found my mother dying as a result of her addiction. I found her dying when I was 12.   

This Universe means more to me than I have time to explain. Sorry for making this so long, but I guess you can see why the blog I write is called Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog.

(END OF PAPER)

 

 

 

 

After the meeting, I went to my normal morning news and coffee group.  For lunch I sat at my usual table with one of my fairly new friends.  She's a nun.  All day long she says,  "Will someone please take me to 850 Powell?"  (This is not the real address.)  She says this over and over - all day long.  I guess it's her old residence.  She ask everyone she sees to take her.  She refuses to eat.  She sometimes yells, "HELP, HELP!"  She's pretty confused.  She's probably in her upper 80's.  I feel sorry for her.

 

In the recent past, she began liking and listening to me because I said, "I want to go to (This Hospitals Address)".  I felt it might help her to see this is her home - for now.  It doesn't appear as she'll be going anywhere too soon.  So she started saying this hospital address instead.  I told her how grateful I was that this place took care of us.  She agreed.  She wanted to go to her bed here.

 

Today, as we were about to eat, she began her, "Take me to 850 Powell!"  I sat next to her silently, wondering if it would be appropriate for me to suggest that I suggest this hospitals address.  I was kind of having a hard day and wasn't sure where I would be living here too soon. 

(PHONE RINGS)
(AN IMPORTANT PHONE CALL JUST ENDED)

I am more overwhelmed than I can even comprehend right now.  I don't even know how to get myself together.  It feels like this entire world is telling me I need to do something now and when I do this for them, they say, "No, we told you, this for us!"  This may cost me over a million dollars.  Living on that street is sounding better every day.  Then the pain would start.  I can't even gather my thoughts.  I have to leave right now to the most inspiring, yet painful part of my day - physical therapy.  I am crying so hard right now, I don't even know if I'll be able to maintain myself.  I know my roommate hears me.  I can't help it.  I'm so fucked up.  I FUCKED UP MY LIFE!

 

That one day mistake (YESTERDAY) that may get me $900 a month for a year that I would not sign up for months because I was told by the people who just called me that MediCal would drop me if Social Security denied me.  Well, since my social worker at this hospital is going to be gone for a couple months and my time is growing shorter here AND I may end up homeless some day,  I thought it might not be a bad idea to get the ball rolling on that possible $900 per month - until I got a job.  I mean I am disabled right now and I can't see that changing anytime soon.  I wish it would so bad.  I'd love to WORK.  I hate being this way!

 

Everything was coming at me so fast, I just did it.  Before I always told my social worker it did not make sense for me to request $900 per month if getting denied it (Social Security that is) meant I that I would be denied MediCal which was going to cover my bill at my first hospital.  January's bill alone was $897,000!  I was told however that they had a case for me and someone would call me this week about starting my MediCal. 

I called and left a message with this group saying that my social worker wanted to apply me for SS since he was leaving soon and I may not be here when he gets back!  I did this because I knew that a case had been opened for my getting Medical this week!  I also figured SS would take a while.  SS called me THIS MORNING letting me know I was denied - essentially because I am self employed and do not pay into SS.  This means that MedCal will not pick me up either - since SS denied me!  I figured It would take longer than A DAY for this to happen.  They are all so fast to deny, yet so slow to approve.  OR, quick to not approve I guess!    I'm sure my bill at the first hospital is well over $1 million since January alone was $897,000.   Half my time there was in February, so for all I know I am approaching $2 Million that I owe.  I

I guess when I was drug induced "insane" and attempting suicide, I never thought of what it might cost if I failed. I mean, I do of course appreciate them saving my life and doing all those surgeries, but I never asked them to do these things.  I was unconscious.   I'm trying to lighten my head up a bit and make a sick or dark joke.  I hope this is kind of obvious.
  

I can here "Sister" outside my door right now saying, "Let's go to 850 Powell".  Which brings me back to where I was heading with this blog before my phone call.   At lunch she was saying that and I was feeling overwhelmed.  This was before I found out that I will likely owe over a million dollars because I was unconscious when MediCal was sending letters to my friends house to get me on board.  I lived with that friend for a couple of weeks last year while I was technically homeless.  When he was getting the letters this year, I was in a coma.  He does not of course open my mail.   After the coma, I was so out of it. I was so confused and in so much pain.   They weren't hearing from me, so that's how I got denied MediCal the first time.  I got denied this time because they heard I got denied Social Security because I was self employed for the past 8 years and was not paying in to Social Security. 

 

Anyway, at lunch I thought to myself, "Sister, I think you should pray to God."  Right as I considered saying it she loudly said, "Can we pray?"  I immediately said, "Yes Sister, please." 

So she started:

 

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

 

I am having one of the hardest days I've ever had today.  I can't understand it either.  I hurt.  I hurt!   I'm so confused.  I feel mentally out of it.  It worries me.  I need to inspire people!  I'm just trying to be honest. 

 

I got a couple calls from some good people.  I think it's okay if I use their names.   Gina called me a couple times today.  It really does seem that sometimes she some how she senses it when I'm having a hard time.  It's strange how she seems to know when I'm struggling or need someone to talk to.  She really is such a caring person to this world.  It's just so obvious about her.  Talking with her helped.

 

The other person who called me a couple times today was Susan.  She called immediately after I hung up with the million dollar call.  It was as if she somehow immediately could sense it!  I was so broken up emotionally.  I was still in tears.  Her call helped too.  I can't help but to think about one of Susan's favorite bands that we saw in concert so many times. 

 

I miss so many things.  I get so sad so often.  I've messed up my life so bad.  Sorry if I'm not being very inspiring.  I tried to be in the beginning of this blog.  I really believed it was heading in a good direction as I tried to believe I was.  It seems it's really headed in the wrong direction that's for sure.  I can't really help it.  These things happened as I was writing it.  I just feel rushed lately in so many ways and I don't feel to good physically lately either. 

 

I'm going to keep praying.  And now, I'm going to listen to this song we used to hear a lot.  I have to admit, I have such a long way to go in this world.  I put myself here.  I have to have faith.  I feel numb.  I'm going to listen to this song.  I'm grateful to be alive.  Thank you God.  Thank you.  I love you.

 

 

 

Worried sick my eyes are hurting
To rest my head I'd take a life
Outside the girls are dancing
'Cause when you're down it just don't seem right

Feeling second fiddle to a dead man
Up to my neck with your disregard
Like a beat dog that's walking on the broadway
No one wants to hear you when you're down

Sister luck is screaming out
Somebody else's name
Sister luck is screaming out
Somebody else's name

A flip of a coin
Might make a head turn
No surprise, who sleeps
Held my hand over a candle
Flame burnin' but I never weep

Sister luck is screaming out
Somebody else's name
Sister luck is screaming out
Somebody else's name

What a shame

 

Walk

A few blogs ago, I wrote how I had to start over, again and again and again.  This has been very true for me.  I have to admit however that so many things have changed for me these last couple times. 

Last time I  started over was divorced and homeless for the first time.  This time, I am those two things, plus I have a lot of physical issues to deal with.  I was so insane in my relapse  last time that I ended up attempting suicide by jumping off the 5th floor of a parking garage in San Bruno.
 


San Bruno Parking Garage

 
There it is.  I finally looked up an image the other day.  It's a long story why I ended up way down there,  15 miles from my apartment when I was insanely tweaking, but I did.  I often ended up miles away from home before I would start to become sane.  San Bruno Parking Garage is about 15 miles from where my home was.  I once ended up 40 miles from home. 

I'm pretty sure I jumped off the top of the other end so I wouldn't land on a pedestrian or a car.  I barely remember.  I was so insane.  I was hearing voices.  I so badly did not want to do it.  As far as why I had to see an image, it is because I will have to see it some day.  It is where BART and CalTrain stop when heading down the peninsula.  If I ever go to the San Francisco Airport again or simply head south down the peninsula using Highway 101, I will see it.    I just figured I'd get it over with.
 
I really want to get passed all of the bad things also.  I want to get into a rehab as this hospital is trying to help me do.  I have felt in the past that they may be rushing me a bit.  They see me improving in my physical abilities and my very positive and friendly attitude.  However, as I have pointed out in the past, I have other physical issues that worry me as much or even more that my walking abilities.  Falling that long distance and landing first on my left leg and then on my rear end created a lot of damage in both of those areas.
 
My rear end has a lot of nerve damage.  As I wrote in previous blogs, this is not an area that I am very comfortable discussing - with anyone!  I've had to discuss it more with my doctors recently, just so they know. 
 
Monday, my physical therapist said that she told them I would only need to be with her for 2 1/2 more weeks before I would be ready to move on!  That is so awesome!  I find it hard to believe, but it is so awesome!  It would basically mean that I would be walking again.   I am learning to walk again!  This fact brings such a different emotional feeling than what I was about to bring up before that I can't even understand anything.  My mind gets so confused and full of emotion that it brings tears to my eyes.
 
I have also been told I have brain damage since I hit my skull during that fall.  I don't want to get in to all of this too much, but I can't deny some of the things that happen to me in this area.  I see colors swirling around in circles and the words that I type disappear in and out of the screen.  It is so bizarre, but it may be all the drugs I'm on. I'm just kind of used to it.  This too brings up concern for my being exited from this hospital into a drug rehab program. 

Will I be able to take pain medication at one of these places.  I don't want to be on anything!  They have me on so much.  I can't even keep track.  Monday, I will discuss this with my doctor.  Or, actually, I'm told that Tuesday morning they will be discussing my amount of time here until I will be exited. 
 
I have so many concerns.  At the same time, I want out of here.  I love it here, but I'm in the hospital!   I want to get somewhere that I can begin making strides to get back into the real world.  Where do I begin?
 
I really am overwhelmed.  I am grateful to be alive.   To keep alive a moment at a time.  This I have been told so many times.  I am so grateful to be alive, however, I am concerned.  The last thing I can do is relapse - EVER!  The truth is, I'm dancing on my grave, I'm running thr0ugh the fire, forever, whatever, I never wanna to die. 

I use these lyrics from this Foo Fighter song so much because I can relate to it in my life.  In fact, I've used this song in a blog before.  I used it in Charlie and the Hot Chocolate Kids.  It was not the title, so I'll allow it.  It too is just so related to where I am at this point in my life, I just can't deny it.  I just LOVE this song!  It moves my soul!
 
I recently suggested people read Charlie and the Hot Chocolate Kids for some reason.  I think I know the reason.  It is a blog about my last journey into a rehab program.  Back then, I was so scared to go into a program.  Towards the end of that blog, I used this song.  It was the part where I was leaving that program and being told I was accepted there!  I was so amazed yet so nervous!  All I had to do was get to the place that I would have to detox first.  I was praying for a sign and I actually got one.  In the window was the name of the place I needed to got to get into detox - TAP.   I could not deny it was truly The Universe at work.   

The real story I felt back then about my life was that I truly was learning to walk again.  Even more important back then was the fact that I was learning to talk again!   I truly was speechless most of the time back then.  I just got that way.

So many things truly have changed since then.  I find it awfully coincidental that the song Walk seems so important at this point in my life once again.  The Truth about my life this time is I TRULY AM LEARNING TO WALK AGAIN!   It truly is time for me to try to get back into the real world.

I am so Grateful to have made it to the cane stage walking!

When I first went to the hospital, they thought I may not live.  I was in a coma for almost a month so I really don't remember those days of course.  I do remember them telling me I would not walk.  I was just grateful to be alive when they told me that.  I can't tell you good it feels to have come so far.  So many people here are amazed at my development.  For this I feel blessed.  Thank you God.

I want to stay positive in this blog, but last week I got SO SICK.  It took me out for a couple of days.  It also created problems with the issue I have long worried about.  This is my nerve damage.  It's really embarrassing so I'd rather not write about it.  It also brings tears to my eyes.  I get so confused about all this.  It is so hard for me.... During this blog, I have also had tears in my eyes for good reasons - LEARNING TO WALK AGAIN!  God, I am so grateful for this! 

It's not easy to do.  It does hurt.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to go without a cane.  I hope so.  I feel like I need some more time to develop my walking ability.  I definitely need more time for my other problem.  It may always be a problem.  I hope an pray not.  However, it may be my cross I have to bear.  I may also have mental issues I have trouble describing.  I've never found myself having this many tears in my eyes in my life.  I'm so confused.  It could be the medication.  It could be my brain damage.  It could be my true reality.  I never imagined my life would be all this.  I have made so many mistakes.  I have lost so many things. 

I lost the job I dreamed of for years that moved us across the country to live in our dream city.  The city where I proposed to Susan and the city we honeymooned.  I lost a business that was developed from my soul and was something that Susan and I both cherished.  We both love art and photography.  I have always had an entrepreneurial heart.  I lost my marriage to Susan who was my high school sweetheart and soul mate.   We met in art class.  All this is so hard for me to deal with right now while being in this hospital.  I nearly lost my LIFE because I relapsed so many times and went insane.  I attempted suicide. 

I just didn't want to hurt people anymore.   I felt that using all those years had always done just that - hurt people.   While I believe it was not Gods Will for me to attempt suicide, I believe it was Gods Will for me to survive.  My reason to do what I tried to do was insane but it was not selfish in my twisted thinking.  I was so tired of hurting people - especially in that parallel universe I existed.   That universe at times was so connected to the one I really existed I could not be denied for me. 

I believe it was Gods Will for me to live.  Part of the reason I wanted to post the photo of that garage in this blog is so others could see that it was a long drop.   The devil wanted me in hell and that is where I believed I was heading.  All of that is a longer story than I am able to tell right now.  It is all very real to me.  Thank you for keeping me alive God.  I do believe this is proof that we can all have a chance to do the right thing in this life and have a chance at existing in a beautiful Universe some day.  We should all know this.  No matter what happens in my life, I must always be grateful for another chance.  I've kind of had a few, but none like this.  This one has really changed me.  I hope it helps others some how some day!  I mean that so much.

I have started over so many times.  I'm honestly a little scared.  I'm sorry to say that, but I am.   That is The Truth.  I do know better.  I know I should have faith not fear.  Faith in God is so important right now. I am so overwhelmed right now.  I have so many things that I must figure out.  All of them are so important to me.  This is all so real.  Right now, one of them is so important to me.  I'm learning to walk again.  Can't you see I've waited long enough?  Where do I begin?

This Foo Fighters song means so much to me right now.  It has before too.  I love listening to it!  It's an awesome song and the lyrics just touch my soul.

A million miles away
Your signal in the distance
To whom it may concern
I think I lost my way
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Do you remember the days
We built these paper mountains
And sat and watched them burn
I think I found my place
Can't you feel it growing stronger
Little conquerors

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Now
For the very first time
Don't you pay no mind
Set me free again

To keep alive a moment at a time
But still inside a whisper to a riot
To sacrifice but knowing to survive
The first to climb another state of mind
I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I'm on my knees
I never wanna die
I'm dancing on my grave
I'm running through the fire
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna leave
I never say goodbye
Forever, whenever, forever, whenever

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough

 

Stayin' Alive

I do love the way The Universe works.  That's such a simple statement for such a complex and extremely unbelievable existence I, or we, find ourselves.  We got a new patient yesterday.  She joined us for our morning get together that includes coffee, cookies and news. 
 
She is very social.  She is also much like me.  She heard voices and attempted suicide by jumping off a rooftop.  Hers was 4 floors, mine was 5 - I think. 

I don't actually remember the jump.  I do remember wondering how long the crushing sensation would last when I hit, depending on if I was on the 4th or 5th floor.  I so badly did not want to do it, however, I believed it would help The Universe of Good.  This was something I supplied none of to The Universe - Good that is.  While I was insane, I was probably not all that wrong in my beliefs.
 
I just started working on my laptop.  I recently downloaded an anti-virus software that my mentor, Dale, suggest I do.  While I am very impressed, I didn't like it as my homepage.  It was just to plain looking.  It is actually a Yahoo search engine, but it called itself AVG, since AVG is what the anti-virus is. 
 
So I changed it to Bing which is a homepage that, at first, I did not like.  I used to prefer Yahoo or Google.  However, Bing grew on me.  I love the incredibly beautiful photographs (go figure) it uses to surround the area in which one types what they are searching for.  They are usually incredibly beautiful natural landscapes.  

Well, today the extremely beautiful photograph was something I have never seen used by this site. It was a cityscape.  The city was Baltimore.  I found this Universally interesting because my new friend who I have so much in common with is from Baltimore.  Nothing happens by accident.  Today at lunch she said she was so glad I didn't die.  I feel the same about her.  In fact, I will unofficially be her Mentor as it was suggested I become by my Mentor in my last blog.
 
I love The Universe.  Speaking of The Universe, my friend, The Pinball Wizard is back!  He's very, very sluggish and tired, but he made it back.  I prayed for him a lot.  If anyone else did - thank you!  I told him what I did and he was very grateful and very impressed.  I told him how I used his song.  He then told me how he used to be in a band in Seattle.  I thought this was pretty cool.  It was years ago, long before the grunge era of course, but I still admire him.  I'm sure Seattle has always had a nice music scene.
 

The Pinball Wizard said he's feeling better, but he still seems a bit sluggish.  He's been to General three time in three days!  I'm sure he could use some more prayer, so I will certainly provide it.  Thank you so much to those of you who prayed for him before.  HE also appreciates it!  Thank you.

The Pinball Wizard (I got his permission - of course)

 
The lady who runs the morning group gave me some photograph release forms for the newspaper.  This is very cool because it kind of feels official to me.  Basically I will ask people to fill the out and sign them so we can print their image in the paper.  I've done this before with Susan when we used to photograph cyclist for Bike to Work day and would have them post them on 511.org.  511.org is the website that San Franciscans use to help themselves navigate San Francisco. 

I personally use word of mouths agreements for my blog.  It's not like it's that big or I have any money.  I just do it because I respect people and I would never do something that made someone feel uncomfortable - like put up a photo that they didn't like. 
 
So, it really feels like my participation in the Newspaper really makes sense.  I really do seem to have "an eye" for photographable things!  A few weeks ago, I mentioned in a blog how San Francisco had broken ground on what will be the tallest building on the West Coast.  I also said how before my incident, I was noticing how many skyscrapers were being built.  I noticed so many buildings skeletons and all the huge cranes all over the city! 
 
I am such a skyscraper nut!  I love then so much.  I love to watch them go up.  Most of them are going up in the neighborhood Susan and I lived for 9 years.  I was so impressed, I wanted to photograph them and write a blog about their construction!  I even said in this blog that it was still an obtainable goal for me to accomplish as I got healthy!  The blog I am speaking of is Dreamer - Touch of Grey.

Well, I guess my old employer beat me to it.  It was a huge front page story in the San Francisco Chronicle today.  A Sunday!  It turns out most of the high rises are going to be places for people to live like apartments or condos.  Well, I knew there were a bunch.  In fact, I estimated 15 new high rises being built in my blog.  Well, the last time I went out, while driving down Market Street, I noticed even more were under construction.  The Chronicle reports that there are more than two dozen under construction!  That is so amazing.  This very densely populated city with many skyscrapers is going to be denser with even more skyscrapers!  In fact, San Francisco is the second most densely populated city in the  country.  The First is New York City - of course. 

Years ago when I was looking for a city to move to, I looked towards New York and San Francisco.  I think San Francisco won due to the weather.  I still love the weather here! 

I also love seeing all these high rises.  I feel so good.  I love big cities.  You know what else feels good?  That fact that I can feel good about such a thing - something that is not about me!  Such a thing warms my soul.  lol. 

It makes me feel good that I was on top of a photographical event.  It is a pretty obvious one.  That fact that I wanted to write about it may actually say something.  I am looking forward to working for this newspaper at the hospital.  I am feeling so confident about my future possibilities beyond being a street artist.  I feel like I really needed such a boost. 

I do have a long way to go - physically and mentally, but I feel like I'm going to be okay some day.  I love life.  I love life!  I don't know why I cry?  Every song on the radio speaks to me one way or another. 

I don't even know what song to use.  I want to take some photos of that newspaper article, simply because it is so amazing how many skyscrapers are being built!  Just being in the city is amazing.  I really do look forward to being down there!  It gives me so much energy.  I think I should rush out of this hospital on the mountain down to the city below!  I don't need "physical therapy!"  Yeah right. 

I'm just being stupid and silly!  I will stick around.  I really do want to be here, but there is a beautifully attractive city drawing me in out there!  She will always be there.  I will simply take it one day at a time. 

It is so beautiful this Sunday!  I'm going to treat it like a Sunday.  I think I'll go find my new friend and ask her is she would like to go out back to see the farm with me!  That's what mentors are for! 


Ooops! Wait!  Me.  Remember?  Let's not get ahead of myself and rush out of this hospital to quickly.  I have to do my physical therapy first.

  

 

Above are my 5 physical therapy instruction I am to accomplish twice a day.  It's nice to have a nice little physical routine.  I took it with my webcam on my computer, so sorry it's not to clear!  I also could have lightened on Photoshop, but I want to get to the zoo!

 

Feels much better to have done a little exercise!  It's not running 5 miles as I did before, but I have to start somewhere.  My physical therapist said I probably would not be able to run 5 miles a day anymore.  She said I could use an elliptical. While this was nice to hear, I do love running through the actual city.  She asked if I like to ride bikes?  I'm an avid cyclist in this city!  In this city, that's a huge deal!  That made me so happy.  In fact, I have a Cannondale Urban Bike.  It's light and it's fast!  It is the best and the fastest way to navigate the streets San Francisco!  Perhaps I should lighten up on the "fastest" part.

Okay, the beautiful farm/zoo!  I'll be back.

I'm back.  As I mentioned above, I wanted to put photos of todays newspaper so everyone could see just what I am talking about and how many buildings are going up!  It's incredible.

The focus horrible, but you get the picture of how many red dots there are!

 



All these red dots are on Market and Mission.   This even includes smaller housing projects.   In top right hand corner is the photo of the Transbay Terminal Tower.  I placed it's photo in my recent blog - Dreamer - Touch of Grey.



This is right next door to where Susan and I lived.  This is Mission Street.  It looks like it runs from 8th Street to 11th Street.  We lived on 7th and Minna.  Minna is 1/3 of a block way from Mission.  It is an alley.  Mission and Market run parallel.    They were being built all around us those 9 years we lived there too.   

Well, I didn't manage to find my friend to show her the farm out back, but someone else did, so that's good.  We did hang out at dinner and actually found out one more interesting thing about us.  We have the same birthday!  Talk about coincidental.  The difference about our birthdays is, the birthday I am referring to is the my NEW birthday, the one I referred to it in the first paragraph of the last blog, Wonderful World. 

It feels like my writing is tuning into The Universe.  Basically, I was referring to how many times I had to start over last year.  Coincidently enough, I wrote:

I guess I started over, at LIFE, by attempting suicide and being unsuccessful.  That happened January 15th.  That date I DO remember.  That date I will ALWAYS remember.  It is my new BIRTHDAY! Thank you GOD.

January 15th is her actual Birthday.  I do have to believe that The Universe was not playing tricks on us however.  As we both said, "Nothing happens by accident." 

She found it so coincidently amazing that we both survived the same way and ended up in the same place.  I explained how each blog includes at least one song and usually has a song's name as the title.   I even wrote earlier, "I don't even know what song to use", so I told her that she had to pick the song which would be the title for this blog.  She started singing and dancin', Stayin' Alive -  of course!



 

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm.
I've been kicked around since I was born.
And now it's all right, it's O.K.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin'
And ev'rybody shakin'
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Well now, I get low and I get high
And if I can't get either I really try.
Got the wings of heaven on my shoes
I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose.
You know it's all right, it's O.K.
I'll live to see another day.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin'
And ev'rybody shakin'
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Stayin' alive
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm.
I've been kicked around since I was born.
And now it's all right, it's O.K.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin'
And ev'rybody shakin'
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Stayin' alive
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Stayin' alive