I don't like even saying those words, "attempted suicide", but I guess it's what it was. I was crazy and on drugs, but facts are facts I guess. My facts these past few days have been beautiful facts. Talk about starting over! I'm so glad that I can start over by learning how to walk again. I'm smiling and tears are entering my eyes. I can't help it. Wow. I don't even understand how I got to such a point in my life. I mean it is wrong, but I do feel good. And, I kind of feel sad at the same time.
God has been so present these past few days! I mean that. So many people have come to me and told me how I have helped them. At the same time, I have had people come to me in this hospital lately who I can tell are addicts, but they have not yet been able to say the words, "I'm an addict". I never preach to anyone or tell anyone what to do or anything about themselves. They are on their path. Our paths cross. I simply tell people The Truth about me. And, I am brutally honest. My doing so brings out something in people.
I am nobody special. This being said, I hear people tell me I am someone special all the time. People also tell me I am a miracle. It's so weird to hear these things. I guess the miracle part comes from my near death experiences. I have survived a few and I make really good comebacks I guess. I believe part of the reason for this is that I have physically cared for myself for many years of my life. I guess I am special in the fact that I am so messed up and have done so many messed up things. That's nothing to be to proud of. God does love me. That's special. Well, I do care. I have been through a lot. I am strong. I guess these things make me special. Plus, being as hardcore of an addict as I have, even if it has led me to an extremely dark place, has opened up so many doors for me. I have seen things, heard things.... I do know things.
A nurse told me today how amazing I was here. I don't even do that much here. I'm even quiet. This is how I plan to remain. She also told me she "KNEW" I was going to be someone. I'm not saying I'm able to take or believe in predictions, however, I do appreciate her feeling such a way about me. Even if such a prediction were reality, I wouldn't want it. I mean that. I really mean that. I think? I mean, I would like to be someone who doesn't have to worry about the things I've dealt with in the recent past. Things like hurting ones who love me. Or, being homeless. Or, attempting suicide. I just would love to be someone who gets to live a peaceful life in this beautiful city. I want to be close to God. I don't want to worry about my next meal or my next place to sleep. I want to be able to have visitors. Visitors like friends and family. I would also like to visit friends and family. I also want to go camping. This state is so beautiful.
I stood up two days ago! On two feet without using my arms at all! I walked a few steps yesterday! I mean I had some assistance with some of those parallel bars, but I walked!! Just writing this makes me cry. God. I'm sorry, I 'm just trying to be honest. I hope my roommate is sleeping! I can't help it. I'm alive!
Three and a half months ago doctors didn't think I'd live. The only think I remember was doctors telling me I would never walk. That occurred about a month after the doctors didn't think I'd live. I was in a coma. When doctors told me I wouldn't walk, I did not want to believe them, but I wasn't surprised. I felt SO bad. I was in so much pain and I could hardly move my legs. I was almost completely unable to move the left leg. I could barely move anything on my body. I had so many other serious health problems back then that I won't even talk about. I still do. However, I will say that the passed few days I had a great amount of improvement in that area. I am getting better.
Suddenly, I just had a memory. Being in such an environment is hard. Back when I was in that drug recovery program, there were lots of deaths. One of them I had gotten really close to. Well, this morning, I heard "cold blue" announced over the intercom. Every time I hear that come over the speaker in the morning here, I know what it means, I just always hope it's no one I know. Well, this morning, it was. He's not dead, but he's not doing to great. They took him to General. Last night, he hung out with us and we did Karaoke. He wasn't doing to great. He had just had a surgery I guess. He was holding the microphone most of the night. Half the time he was not awake. I do remember him singing "Wonderful world". We had two microphones. He had one and I had the other. He sounded awesome. He's an older guy and his voice was a perfect Louis Armstrong voice! Now I am crying, because I don't know.... I'm just crying. It was a beautiful moment. I think he'll be okay. I hope so and I will pray for him.
I guess I'll try to end this on a good note! That good note is mentoring. That last program I was in assigned me two mentors right before the exited me. I'll have to say, it was a great thing for me for them to do. In fact, my two mentors came over today and hung out for a while. It was Anna's birthday! We hung out at the farm out back! It was fun. We took some photos. In fact, I typed something up for some of the photos I took today. What I typed went like this:
Dale Tan and Anna Amato are my two Mentors from the last program I was in. The two have them have stuck with me every since. They have been incredibly loyal! They visit once a week, usually on Fridays. Today it was Saturday. It was Anna's birthday so we visited the farm/zoo out back. These two have been great Mentors.
Yesterday, I picked up a Mentor for the hospital I am currently in. She is going to help me get the needs I need. I feel very good about her helping me.
Today, my Mentor Anna said that I would make a good Mentor someday! That meant so much to me. These guys give me great advice. I like to know that I will be able to help and inspire others some day. (Actually, I get many comments from people reading this blog telling me I inspire them.)
Dale has given me great advice recently in computer software for photography and the computer. In fact, he just advised me to download a photo software that helps me stay organized and an antivirus software for my new computer.
These two were assigned to me because Dale is an amazing photographer who is getting his Masters in photography. Anna is a book editor! She read my blog. She even says she likes it. She also says it could use some editing. I figured as much coming from a professional. All's I'm after is The Truth! The Truth is, they have both become good friends!
Yesterday, I picked up a Mentor for the hospital I am currently in. She is going to help me get the needs I need. I feel very good about her helping me.
Today, my Mentor Anna said that I would make a good Mentor someday! That meant so much to me. These guys give me great advice. I like to know that I will be able to help and inspire others some day. (Actually, I get many comments from people reading this blog telling me I inspire them.)
Dale has given me great advice recently in computer software for photography and the computer. In fact, he just advised me to download a photo software that helps me stay organized and an antivirus software for my new computer.
These two were assigned to me because Dale is an amazing photographer who is getting his Masters in photography. Anna is a book editor! She read my blog. She even says she likes it. She also says it could use some editing. I figured as much coming from a professional. All's I'm after is The Truth! The Truth is, they have both become good friends!
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| On the way into the farm out back we ran into Backdoor Bunny. It cost to get back there you know. He made some calls - got us into the real deal! He knows me. He just likes to hook me up. |
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| That's why I got the "GOAT ATTACK". Dale posted it using these exact words on Facebook. |
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| Well, after a little bit of neGOATiation... |
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| And a lot of, "Give momma sum dat...." |
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| We ended up where we usually end up. Believe me. I am a tweaker! Sickly, silly and sadly enough --- I've done it all. |
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| That got me straight up out that wheelchair! Heck, that whole thing was so good, I can't even tell if I was laughin', lovin' or cryin'! Probably all of the above! Thanks girl! I CAN STAND! |
It has truly been a good few days. People really have let me know that I am making a difference in their lives. I'm so glad to hear that - being in the ridiculous hardcore state I'm in! It means a lot.
As far as my whole "exit" possibilities. They do seem to have lightened and lessoned. I have simply done all I have been doing - being honest and doing the next right thing. People have come my way. That's where that new Mentor for this hospital came in. If need be, she will help me out. I'd like to believe it will all work out for everyone. I am not wanting to be here forever or take advantage of anything. I love this place, but I do want to move on. It has helped me s0 much.
It has helped me in more ways than physical ways. It has helped me deal with the real world in a way I have not in a long time. I believe I can get a job and be a professional again - someday. I would love to utilize the amazing facilities here and I have started. My first physical therapy session was yesterday. I WALKED! Today, I did my weekend homework physical therapy that was assigned. I loved it. It was exercise to help strengthen my stomach and legs! I love exercising. I also love people.
I say that because I just quickly got a thought of my buddy who's at General tonight. I'll never use names or photos without permission, so I won't use his. God knows exactly who he is, but if people would just do me a little favor and pray for my friend. Let's get back like old times and give him a nickname. Let's call him The Pinball Wizard. That's because he always plays the video games here. Just pray for Gods Will please. That's what I will do for him. He is a good guy.
As far as my whole "exit" possibilities. They do seem to have lightened and lessoned. I have simply done all I have been doing - being honest and doing the next right thing. People have come my way. That's where that new Mentor for this hospital came in. If need be, she will help me out. I'd like to believe it will all work out for everyone. I am not wanting to be here forever or take advantage of anything. I love this place, but I do want to move on. It has helped me s0 much.
It has helped me in more ways than physical ways. It has helped me deal with the real world in a way I have not in a long time. I believe I can get a job and be a professional again - someday. I would love to utilize the amazing facilities here and I have started. My first physical therapy session was yesterday. I WALKED! Today, I did my weekend homework physical therapy that was assigned. I loved it. It was exercise to help strengthen my stomach and legs! I love exercising. I also love people.
I say that because I just quickly got a thought of my buddy who's at General tonight. I'll never use names or photos without permission, so I won't use his. God knows exactly who he is, but if people would just do me a little favor and pray for my friend. Let's get back like old times and give him a nickname. Let's call him The Pinball Wizard. That's because he always plays the video games here. Just pray for Gods Will please. That's what I will do for him. He is a good guy.
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| We have two microphones and I did sing it with The Pinball Wizard. |
I see trees of green........ red roses too
I see em bloom..... for me and for you
And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue..... clouds of white
Bright blessed days....dark sacred nights
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world.
The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are also on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin.. how do you do
They're really sayin......i love you.
I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
They'll learn much more.....than I'll never know
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world
(instrumental break)
The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are there on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin.. how do you do
They're really sayin...*spoken*(I ....love....you).
I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
*spoken*(you know their gonna learn
A whole lot more than I'll never know)
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself .......what a wonderful world.
I see em bloom..... for me and for you
And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue..... clouds of white
Bright blessed days....dark sacred nights
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world.
The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are also on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin.. how do you do
They're really sayin......i love you.
I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
They'll learn much more.....than I'll never know
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world
(instrumental break)
The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are there on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin.. how do you do
They're really sayin...*spoken*(I ....love....you).
I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
*spoken*(you know their gonna learn
A whole lot more than I'll never know)
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself .......what a wonderful world.
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