I Need A Miracle

 (April 19th, 2012)

A couple of things I've heard over the years that always stuck with me:  "If it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger." and "If you going through hell, keep going."  For a while I started to believe that "keep going" simply meant that.  I was going to keep going through hell.  However, I now believe it the way I always thought it was supposed to be taken.  That is, it is possible to come out of it if you keep going through it.  It takes faith with action.

I've said it many times before - I never doubted there was a God.  At times I believed God might have given up on me.  It was me who gave up on God.   It's been said that faith without works is dead.  For me, no faith and no works just might have equaled death.  I was very low on both.  I think my giving up on God made God both sad and angry.

That's how I used to interpret those huge gust of winds and rogue waves that used to knock me over.  I know the voices in my head were angry with me.  In the beginning, many were trying to help.  Towards the end, they just seemed angry with me.  "Wherever" the voices were coming from, they had plenty of reason to be angry.    As my behavior darkened, so too did the ominous warnings from the voices.  So too did my reality. 

Running through hell did seem to make me stronger.  I put myself deeper and deeper.  That wasn't necessary.  I think the devil was even tired of me.  The tricky part for me is that it seems that at times, the devil tried to help me.  For as wrong as I was and as upset God had to be with me, I do believe in God's grace and forgiveness now.  God is slow to anger and quick to forgive.  With that said, I never want to make God angry again - ever.

Will I make mistakes?  Of course.  I want God to be my friend.  Friends understand when we make little mistakes.  I want to remain in God's Grace.

God's Grace was something I never really considered when I read the Bible.  I just read The Truth.  I didn't read it much, but when I did, it seemed The Truth sent me to hell.  I think it sends us all to hell.  That's where grace comes in.  I think God does understand we are not perfect.  I do think it's important we believe in him.  I say him, because, I don't know, I just do.  I don't like saying it.  Her probably makes more sense.  I need God to be a man, because that is what I need to be.  Maybe I do know.

I need to be a man who surrenders to God every day.  I need to be a man who remembers who deserves all the credit for my being clean - God.  "I need a miracle - every day."

(June 16th, 2012)
It was right after I graduated high school that I began asking the questions many of us found ourselves asking, "Who are the Grateful Dead?"  and "Why are they following me?"  It became five years of life I will never forget or is it remember?   I forget.  It gave us a reason to travel all over east coast and Midwest.  I love big cities.   

Jerry died on August 9, 1995.  We had mail order tickets to the Toronto Skydome.  I was going to ask Susan to marry me at what was then, the tallest structure in the world - The CN Tower which is a part of the Skydome complex.  Since Jerry died, we didn't go.  I set my sights on New York City.  I then realized a friend of mine who was living in Montana at the time, was going to be in San Francisco.  Bob Weir was also going to be playing at The Warfield.  We hadn't made it out west yet.  I would end up proposing at the highest point we could walk to in San Francisco near the Chinatown neighborhood where we were staying - Coit Tower.

Telegraph Hill was the highest point in the neighborhood, North Beach.  It is modeled after a fire nozzle to honor the fire fighters from the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake.

 

I loved seeing the dead play at the big venues - Buckeye Lake, Soldier Field, RFK Stadium.  However, we never got to see The Dead play at Giants Stadium.   We did get to see them play at Madison Square Garden and Nassau Coliseum.  We also got to see the last game ever played at the old Giants stadium.  Lets just say the Bengals played the Jets.  

I just wanted to post the words to I Need a Miracle for this blog I wrote a couple of months, but I found these three songs together from Giants Stadium in the early 90's.  The Dead thought it made sense to follow I Need a Miracle with Eyes of the World and St. of Circumstance.  The Dead may have played different set list every night, but I don't think there was to much randomness about there choices. It was The Dead (and probably all of the LSD I use to eat) that really began making me realize that something was going on.  I'll never forget the time we got "busted" in Cleveland, The Dead opened up with I Fought the Law (and the Law Won).  

As far as the lyrics to I Need a Miracle go, when I wrote this blog a couple of months ago, I was just hearing the chorus in my head.  I wasn't really considering the "secondary message."  I don't want to get to personal about my life, but some of the rest of the lyrics do kind of fit today.  Just because I feel a certain way doesn't always mean it's the right way.  It's like the song says, "too much of everything is just enough."  Honesty is important.  Because I am human and an addict, I do need a miracle - everyday.

I am currently writing this while in the Santa Cruz Mountains.  Last time I was here, I wrote a blog called I Heaven.  It just hasn't been posted yet.  My brain is....

Those of you who were at many of those shows in those days, it really brings back old memories watching a video from that "era".    If you got a half an hour, it's kind of nice to hear The Grateful Dead "singing about The Universe."  So turn it up, expand the screen, sit back and....

I Need A Miracle:

 

I need a woman bout twice my age

A lady of nobility, gentility and rage

Splendor in the dark, lightning on the draw

Well go right through the book and break each and every law.

I got a feeling and it wont go away, oh no

Just one thing then Ill be ok

I need a miracle every day.

I need a woman bout twice my height

Statuesque, raven-dressed, a goddess of the night.

Her secret incantations, a candle burning blue

Well consult the spirits maybe theyll know what to do.

And its real and it wont go away, oh no

I cant get around and I cant run away

I need a miracle every day.

I need a woman bout twice my weight

A ton of fun who packs a gun with all her freight

Find her in a sideshow leave her in l.a.

Ride her like a surfer running on a tidal wave.

And its real, believe what I say, yeah

Just one thing I got to say

I need a miracle every day.

It takes dynamite to get me up

Too much of everything is just enough

One more thing I just got to say

I need a miracle every day,

I need a miracle every day,

I need a miracle every day, (got to be the only way)

I need a miracle

Eyes of the World:

Right outside this lazy summer home
You aint got time to call your soul a critic no.
Right outside the lazy gate of winters summer home,
Wondrin where the nut-thatch winters,
Wings a mile long just carried the bird away.

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world,
The heart has it's beaches, it's homeland and thoughts of it's own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the mornin brings,
But the heart has it's seasons, it's evenins and songs of it's own.

There comes a redeemer, and he slowly too fades away,
And there follows his wagon behind him that's loaded with clay.
And the seeds that were silent all burst into bloom, and decay,
And night comes so quiet, it's close on the heels of the day.

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world,
The heart has it's beaches, it's homeland and thoughts of it's own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the mornin brings,
But the heart has it's seasons, it's evenins and songs of it's own.

Sometimes we live no particular way but our own,
And sometimes we visit your country and live in your home,
Sometimes we ride on your horses, sometimes we walk alone,
Sometimes the songs that we hear are just songs of our own.

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world,
The heart has it's beaches, it's homeland and thoughts of it's own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the mornin brings,
But the heart has it's seasons, it's evenins and songs of it's own.

Saint of Circumstances

This must be heaven, tonight I cross the line.
You must be the angel, I though I might never find.
Was it you I heard singing, Oh while I was chasin' dreams.
Driven by the wind, like the dust that blows around,
And the rain fallin' down, but I never know.
Got to be heaven, cause here's where the rainbow ends.
If this ain't the real thing, then it's close enough to pretend.
When that wind blows, when the night's about to fall.
You can hear the silence call, it's a certain sort of sound,
Like the rain fallin' down.

Holes in what's left of my reason, holes in the knees of my blues.
Odds against me been increasin', but I'll pull through.
I never could read no road map, I don't know what the weather might do.
But hear that witch wind whining and see that dog star shinin',
I got a feeling there's no time to lose, no time to lose.

Never know now, just don't never know, no.
Well it's been heaven, but even the rainbows will end.
Now my sails are fillin' and the wind is willin'.
And I'm as good as gone again.
I'm still walkin', so I'm sure that I can dance.
Just a Saint of Circumstance, just a tiger in a trance.
And the rain fallin' down, well, you never know, just don't know.
Listen, sure don't know what I going for, but I'm gonna go for it for sure...

Killing Ourselves

(I wrote this blog on or around 4-17-2012)

There's never a dull moment at CityTeam.  We have these pastors from local churches come into CityTeam and give a brief sermon or sing a song to our first group of guests we feed.  The volunteer this time decided he would have all the guests sing a song.  I'm sure many of you have heard that song that goes, "Holy, Holy, Holy...."  Well that's the song.  He asked half the room to start at one point and the other half to chime in along the way.  If you've heard that song, you may have heard it done that way before.  It does sound pretty cool when it's done right I guess.

It was a nice try, but it didn't go so well.  I was kitchen helper but I was standing next to my housemate who was working security.  We both looked at each other with a smile and I said sarcastically, yet quietly to him, "That's beautiful."  He laughed.  Then I said, "Actually, it is kind of beautiful."  He said, "Oh yeah, wait until you get to be the host.  These people will really love you."  There are a lot of good people that come and eat in here.  However, I guess it didn't strike much of a chord with one of our guests.

This chick with pink hair stood up so quickly her pants came down.  She walked out of the dinning room with her pants down around her thighs wearing no underwear.  She was young and a little strung out, but....I won't go there.  She was walking away from me so I couldn't see if the carpet matched the drapes.  Probably not.  Perhaps my humor is inappropriate for my blog.  Oh well. 


My friend who was working security said to me, "You should have seen this chick on Christmas. She flashed me her (breasts)."  I guess she thought it was Mardi Gras, not Christmas.  My friend said, "Mam, if you do that again, you're out of here."    He might as well have thrown her some Mardi Gras beads.  Out she went.

This morning, this guy was intentionally running out in front of cars.  He would hide behind a building in the ally beside CityTeam and when one of the traffic lights at either end of the block would turn green he'd wait for cars in the front of the traffic to get near and dart out in front of them.  Sixth Street is one of the only two way streets around this neighborhood.  It was kind of like watching someone play frogger, but trying to lose.

After watching him a couple of times, I yelled, "Dude!"  He turned around, looked at me and yelled, "If only you knew what they did to me!"  He looked insane.  I didn't know what to do.  A bus was coming and a guy yelled, "go now!"  I couldn't watch.  I went inside and started writing.  I also found out that the house manager, lets call him Barry Bonds, had already called the police.  I stopped writing because I began thinking, "I can't let this guy kill himself."  Thankfully when I walked outside, the cops had already gotten to him.

Perhaps CityTeam saved that mans life this morning.  I'll never forget a few years ago when I was staying at this pee-in-the-sink Tenderloin hotel getting high. Some guy committed suicide by laying his head under a bus tire outside the hotel I was staying.  That has always stuck with me.

It's strange, because last night, I started playing a song I wrote so many years ago.  It's called "Killing Ourselves".  My dad and I were both really struggling about six years ago.  Me with my meth addiction and he with his alcoholism.  I don't really want to talk about it because it was a very hard misunderstood time for a lot of people.  I didn't speak to my dad for three months because of all of the "misunderstanding".  I felt as thought I had never pointed the finger at anyone for all my troubles in life and as though all the sudden I was being blamed for my dads struggles.   He was drinking because he was "worried about me."  I never once said, "I started using because my parents drank." - even though that's probably why I did.  I didn't deny he was worried, but it was kind of a chicken or the egg situation.

I just couldn't take it. I used a lot.  I was spending a lot of time at the ocean using.  It was such a hard time.  I knew one of us was going to die.  When I wasn't using, I was searching.  One day, I took my guitar to the ocean and wrote the song, Killing Ourselves.  

A few days later he called and I answered.  He was alone in a hotel room.  The hotel room I had dropped him off three months earlier with his oxygen tank to help kick him out of his own house.  I was trying to protect my little brothers.  I was also giving him some tough love.  I wanted him to go to rehab.  He said he would if I would.  Neither of us would.   

He was upset and told me he wanted to die.  He told me he couldn't do it anymore.  I told him, I knew how he felt but ultimately the decision was up to us.  I told him I loved him.  I went out and got high.  I returned three days later.  Susan was standing in the door and I knew he was dead.

(I'm in the mountains right now (6-15-2012). When I get back to San Francisco, I'm going to look for the photo I took of myself that day out at the beach when I wrote that song.  The shirt I had on had a number three on it.  I write about the number three in a blog you will read after this that I didn't know I was going to write when I wrote this.  I'm sure none of this makes sense.  I know what I'm trying to say and I'm confused.)

While I was out on the three day binge when and my dad died, I found an angel:

I used to collect all kinds of things I found out there.  It kind of bothered Susan.  We threw most of it way the last time I was on the run that ended it for us.

Speaking of killing ourselves, I quit smoking!  It's only been four days, but I do know I'm done.  I'm not really a smoker.  I had to just get over that little hump of mine.  I had to make it a couple of days without smoking.  As long as I never use again, I'll never smoke again.
 

I was just using it as  a crutch.  It was becoming a habit.  I do have a half a patch on today.  I think I'll go to a quarter of a patch tomorrow.  

It's been hard to be at CityTeam, but I love it.  My faith is really growing.  Helping people is really rewarding.  Realizing God is doing for me what I could not do for myself, well, that's a miracle.

The song, Killing Ourselves, was written literally about what was going on at that time in my life, but I think the lyrics can apply in a lot of situations.  Take care of ourselves.  Stop beating ourselves up.  Stop pointing the finger.  Help others.  

I didn't do what the last verse suggested back then, but I knew it had something to do with it.  I knew it made sense to help people.  I'm seeing that serving God is what I really need to do.  God's will.  

It's a terrible recording and I'm not the greatest musician, but I hope the song makes some sense.

The sun sets over the ocean once again.

looks like I wont be going home again
seems there should be more to life than this
maybe someday I'll find a way to fit in

But for now I cant seem to find my way
It gets harder each and every day
Feels like I'm going insane
so why we killing ourselves?
Why we killing ourselves?

Your not the only one in so much pain
why does everyone always need someone to blame
It gets really tiring playing in the game
it's no wonder why we turned out this way

But it doesn't matter what I say
People have to find someone to blame
all this does is add to the pain
So why we killing ourselves?
Why we killing ourselves

I feel myself starting to decay
But it doesn't have to be this way
Why we killing ourselves?

Maybe someday we all will understand
but for now we should do all that we can
at least try to lend a helping hand
and do all we can for every woman and man

Cause it doesn't have to be this way
we only have to live day to day
Stop driving ourselves insane
stop killing ourselves
stop killing ourselves

My Homeboy

(I wrote this blog on April 17th, 2012)

Well, my homeboy is picking up his belongings.  He and I were just in a book study with a guy who had been here for seven months.  My homeboy started casually talking about his intentions to leave Saturday - something I have known for a while.  

This has always made me uncomfortable, but I kept it in confidence.  It was knowing this that started my first blog I wrote while at CityTeam about day nine - Break Stuff.  It wasn't really a positive thing.

Someone had said, "Oh yeah, he'll be gone."  I opened my big mouth and said, "That's what he told me."  I didn't realize it wasn't common knowledge.  It was obvious to others, but the fact was, he had only told me.  A third party told my homeboy that I told him he was leaving.  My homeboy said, "He said, that you said, that I said..."  I hate he said, she said B.S.!  That's why I try to not talk about people.  It can be hard because I hold things in if someone is wronging me.

I told my homeboy this morning that it was up to him, but when we check into this program, we are committing ourselves to a year.  I could tell it was weighing on him lately  I told him, "When you leave, don't let it mess you up.  You can still stay clean if you work on it." 

A little while after the class, he came to me and said, "Dave, you told on me."  I had no idea what he was even talking about, but I said, "You told on yourself."  All's I knew was that I had said nothing to no one about him.  I try to make mistakes once these days.  Then he said, "I guess (the guy who was in the book study) told on me."  I have no idea.  All I know is this place has eyes and ears and that three things will always come out:  the sun, the moon and the truth.  Honesty is important.  

I like this guy and I'll miss him, however, his planned departure left him uncommitted to certain aspects of this program.  The shock wave is felt throughout the house.  He didn't take it as serious as me.  He may not be as sick as me.  This is about my life and maybe more.  I love him and I wish him well.

Throwing Stones

(I wrote this blog April 15th 2012)

Yesterday was my first full day without a cigarette since I have been here.  I also had 30 days off of meth yesterday.  I feel really good today.  Yesterday was Sunday.  On Sunday, we go to church and rest - unless we have a house job.  I didn't.  I ended up doing three on Saturday.  Much of the house was at another funeral.  I was exhausted.  At the end of the day, one of my housemates, we'll call him "Rudy", got in my face and threatened to kick my ass while I was sitting down getting ready to eat dinner at 8:00 at night.  I told him, "Sit down, because I'm not getting kicked out of this program."  We get kicked out for fighting, using and steeling. 

I miss "El Papi Chulo."  That's what we called one of the guys who got kicked out for steeling.  El Papi Chulo basically means The Mac Daddy in Spanish.  El Papi Chulo was this short, husky little Guatemalan guy with a big heart.  He wore this straw Cowboy hat that he had written, "El Papi Chulo #1" around the brim.

He stuck his hat to the wall of our locker room before he left.

The thing with El Papi Chulo is that he was a bit of a klepto.  He only took things like newly donated clothes and shoes.  More than half the time, he tried to give them away to other guys in the house.  I think he was looking for acceptance in some ways.  He was warned.

He was such a hard worker and a nice guy.  We worked together in the kitchen.  Like I said, he had been warned.  Our director, Jonathon, who gives a lot of grace is in India for three weeks.  The Army Chaplain, Trudy rules more by the truth and is pretty much no-nonsense.  It is more black and white with her.  I hate to say it, but that is what is needed here.

I feel I am doing all I can to do everything I am supposed to do.  If I make a mistake, I try to learn from it and I know it's an honest mistake.

The other issue here is the people that are not working there own programs.  I don't want to be in other peoples business.  I do care about them.   My good friend - My homeboy, he has a big heart, but he always finds a way to disappear anytime he has a job to do.  Someone has to do his job and it usually ends up being me.  We are both in the kitchen.  He's on the easy shift, I'm on the hard shift.  I don't like working both!  The cook, "Hefe Grande"  (Big Boss in Spanish) likes to call my homeboy, "Your besth fhrindh" (basically in his spanish accent I'm trying pronunciate with English spelling).  He always says it and laughs at the same time.  We both laugh.

I let my homeboy know that he needs to start working his own program all the time.  I tell him it will get him nowhere.  Plus, all the guys swimming upstream here - the waves hit us all.

In fact, someone just came to me and let me know that, once again, my homeboy is not here and they asked if I would do the dishes.  I said, "sure."  Another guy here spoke up and said, "Dave does too much here, let someone else do them."  It feels good to hear that.  I do need to learn to set my own boundaries.    I will always step up when someone has a valid excuse to be gone and has properly handled their absence.  However, I will also cover for someone who is slacking without snitching.  The truth is, this helps neither of us.

I try to approach them about the issue before going to staff.  Not snitching is something that I learned on the street.  On the street, people have threatened to kill me if I ever did.  I knew they meant it.  I'm not on the street.  It is still important that I try to work issues out with my brothers in the house before I bring it to staff's attention.  So far, I haven't had to say anything to anyone about anyone.  Everything that's going on always ends up coming up without my saying a word.  This place has eyes and ears.

I have known something for a long time.  Three things will always come out.  The Sun, The Moon and The Truth.  This is why I try to live my life in The Truth today.  Do I tell everyone, everything about me?  Believe it or not, No.  Why?  Because in the past I have done things I am not proud of.  They are even hard for me to accept.  I was not living in The Truth.  At times, I even referred to God as The Truth.

Living in The Truth doesn't mean everyone has to know everything. I think it is important to share everything with someone at some point in one life - in confidence.  I don't think it's totally wrong to tell a white lie to protect someone either - although I'm not completely sure about that this.

In the Garden of Eden, there was no place for secrets or shame until they ate the forbidden fruit.  We are all human.  We all make mistakes.  In some ways, I believe this may be a part of God's plan.  At the same time, I believe that when we "sin", God gets angry and God gets sad.

Perhaps God has a plan.  One thing I am certain of - Good will ALWAYS prevail.  Might as well join the winning team. 

My best friend was Susan.  I lost Susan because I could not live in The Truth all the time because of my addiction.  Addiction is commonly referred to today as a disease.  I believe that word could easily be replaced with the word demon.  Especially since the only remedy for addiction seems to be a God of ones understanding.  A higher power.

I am now making new friends.  I want my best friend to be God.  I am finding myself in constant prayer with God sometimes.  It helps me get through my stressful day.  Until yesterday, so did cigarettes.  I'm praying to be relieved of that demon.  

One of the guys said to me, "You'll have a reason to smoke every day here if that's why you do it."  He's right.

I look at my recent struggles with others as a test.  In many ways, I have passed.  I said before, I tend to lash in - not out.  Smoking is one way I do that.  In that respect, I have recently failed.  I'm not beating myself up for it, but I want to quit while it is not a bad habit.  I need to trust more in God.  There may be those who say, "Oh great, the junkie's found god!"  Well, there right.  This is serious business for me.  That doesn't mean I don't want to enjoy myself here.  When my homeboy played the little "hide the iPod" joke on me, it came at a bad time.  

I had just left the GA office and was treated with no respect.  When I came back, my iPod was nowhere to be found and my homeboy who hid it was somewhere. He had forgotten about his trick on me.  My suspensions were towards the two guys getting kicked out for stealing.  El Papi Chulo was really upset.  I wasn't as supportive as I would have been for him because of my situation.  I never accused him, but my head was really messing with me.  When I wasn't around people, I kept saying "Fuck!  Fuck!  Fuck!"  I don't like this!


I told Susan the story later and she said, "You need to chill out, it's just an iPod!"  She is right.  I'm an addict and it was frustrating and the timing was horrible!  That's why I tell my homeboy he needs to start working his program.  He needs to quit treating this place like it's a game or vacation.  It's my life.  

I do love this guy.  He has told me in confidence he will be leaving.  By the time this blog will be posted, he'll be gone.  I try to respect his trust in me, but it has created problems for me and for the program.  I'm not going to staff to let them know.  I don't like these kind of secrets!  Homeboy, if you read this, I love you and I'll be your friend but the problems you have created aren't necessary here.  I'm sure I'll be encouraged to not hang around him when he does leave.  I hope not, but he'll probably relapse.  I don't know. That's why I hope he changes his mind.  When it's all said and done, It's his life.


When we sign up for this program, we are being invested in.  Our intentions need to be clear.  I hoped and hope he may stay, but I suspect he will not.  I hope he stays clean.  I can't really understand his motives, but it does seem he really wants to stay clean.  CityTeam is a hard place to be.


As my homeboy likes to say, "They work you like a Hebrew slave!"  He's lazy.  He's the first to admit it.  My take on it all comes from The Bible:


Luke 12:48
"But he that knew not, and did not commit things worthy of stripes.  For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him, they will ask more"


I didn't really need The Bible to understand this.  I'm glad it's in there though.  It supports all I had already come to believe.  I always believed that for me to live a good life, because of all the wrong I have done - I will have to do a lot of good.  A lot of cleaning up my past.  A lot of working on myself.  A lot of being an honest and trustworthy person.  A lot of putting up with a lot.  A lot of helping others.  A lot of serving God.


Much has been given to me, therefore, much will be expected of me.  That's really what this blog has always been about over the years - God.  I know that most people have probably not seen the things I have seen as a result of my behavior.  Not as much will be expected of most people.  I always wanted to help people know that there really is a God.  I don't really understand it and even have my own doubts sometimes - even after all I have been through and witnessed, but I do know this to be true in my heart.


I have always known it was important to not be selfish and to commit my life to helping others.  I'm starting to see that committing my life to God's Will will take care of those things and more.


I am glad I did not point my finger at the two guys who got kicked out - especially El Papi Chulo.  I did not like the way I felt when he was packing up.  He kept asking me if I found my iPod and saying, "See, they got you man."  The thing with addicts is, they'll steel your things and then help you look for them!  He had three years clean from his drug of choice.  I couldn't believe he would do that.  He didn't.  I wasn't alone in my suspicion.  Much of the house was ready to strip search these guys.


Saturday, many of the guys were at at a funeral.  I filled in for a job that I have never done - security.  I kept people in line for the food so we can make a path for the dishwasher and the bathroom.  I also made sure people didn't spend too much time in the bathroom doing who knows what.  It's not a hard job.  You catch a couple attitudes but most people are really grateful.  When they do cause trouble, it's easy to simply inform them that they will not be able to eat if they carry on with there bad behavior.  It's when dinners over that they sometimes lose it and "throw their plate across the room".  That type of behavior is rare here, but I've seen it happen.   

The bathroom is across from our locker room.  On Saturdays, we have volunteers come in and do foot care in our locker room.  We are told every Saturday, "Lock your stuff up!"

One of the guys, "Rudy", forgot to lock up his briefcase with a lot of his stuff in it and someone stole it.  This guy is a good guy, but he has some anger issues and is frequently frustrated with the program.   We all have these issues to some degree.  I try not to react.  I try to always be grateful.  I still get frustrated.  


Needless to say, his briefcase getting stolen had him really frustrated.  I could certainly relate to having something stolen and I felt bad for him, but I've been around long enough to realize I should keep my distance.  I hated when people say to me things like, "You shouldn't have left it out!"  That helps.


Sometimes we forget.  Later that day, there was a mix up.  A church group was supposed to be bringing dinner to serve our evening guests and us.  At 5:15, we realized they weren't showing.  We eat as a house at 5:00. We serve dinner to our guest at 6:00.  There weren't many of us here.  The few guys who were here were fairly new because we are all on restriction and have to be here.


I was assigned to evening dishes and my homeboy was assigned to be helper.  The church was supposed to cook and bring in paper plates, so it was supposed to be easy.   With them no showing - it of course was not. Tex (the guy who lived in a hole in the ground in Golden Gate Park for nine years), my homeboy and myself busted it out and had dinner ready for 150 people in forty five minutes!  When it was over and we were tired and hungry, the kitchen was a mess.


I had suggested we eat the same food as the guests so it would be easier than making two different meals.  My homeboy wanted to eat cheeseburgers.  They were very good and he even bought some of the ingredients himself.  However, cooking a bunch of greasy cheeseburgers made a bigger mess.  I told him, "Your gonna help me clean this kitchen up!"  He said, "Don't trip, I won't do that to you."


At dinner, Rudy sat across from me.  He was really angry about getting his stuff stolen.  While at our table, he asked something I think he might have already knew the answer to, "Who was working security?"  I said, "I was."  He said, "Oh my God!".  I wasn't completely sure what that meant but I said, "Don't point the finger at me!"  He jumped up and said, "I'm not pointing the finger at you!"  Then he stood right next to my chair, almost touching me and said, "You don't know who your fucking with man!"  I said,  "Sit down, cause I'm not getting thrown out of this program!"  Then Tex said, "Both ya'll shut da fuck up!  I'm tired everyone acting like a bunch of fucking kids around here and disrespecting one another.  Shut the fuck up!"  Even this made me a little frustrated, but I understood what he was saying.  I'm tired of it too!

After I ate, I pulled the nicotine patch off my arm and went outside and smoked a cigarette.  When I came back in, I went back to the kitchen and it was an absolute mess.  We didn't have time to clean as we went.  As I said, I had suggested we eat the food we fed the guests, but my homeboy just had to have cheeseburgers.  He walked back into the kitchen and said, "Hey, I have to go meet my wife at the Metreon.  It's my birthday tomorrow."  Of course.  Happy Birthday.

He did ask one of the guys, the guy from Boston who has been here for seven months to cover for him.  He covered.  He's a better worker anyway.  He's a good guy.  He also told me that I handled everything well.  All the guys here that are working good programs and the staff here see I am really trying and seem to like me.  I have issues too, but I'm working on them.  

While I was cleaning.  I prayed for Rudy.  I had been praying all day.  He's not on restriction and had left.  I prayed he didn't use.  I prayed we'd work it out.  One of the guy who used to be an atheist said, "That shit's going to happen here.  At the end of the day, we are all brothers."  Tex said to me, "Your a good dude."  I kind of needed to here that. 


When Rudy returned, he walked up to me, put his fist out and said, "I'm sorry dude."  I said, "I'm sorry if I miss understood you."  I really do understand he was having a hard day and was frustrated.  I was too.  The next morning, he cooked breakfast.  The cook picks someone to pray each morning.  Rudy picked me.

Picture a bright blue ball just spinning, spinning free
Dizzy with eternity.
Paint it with a skin of sky, brush in some clouds and sea
Call it home for you and me.
A peaceful place or so it looks from space
A closer look reveals the human race.
Full of hope, full of grace, is the human face.
But afraid, we may lay our home to waste.
There's a fear down here we can't forget hasn't got a name just yet
Always awake, always around singing ashes to ashes all fall down.
Now watch as the ball revolves and the nighttime calls
And again the hunt begins and again the bloodwind calls
By and by again, the morning sun will rise
But the darkness never goes from some men's eyes.
It strolls the sidewalks and it rolls the streets
Staking turf, dividing up meat.
Nightmare spook, piece of heat, you and me, you and me.
Click, flashblade in ghetto night. Rudy's looking for a fight.
Rat cat alley roll them bones. Need that cash to feed that jones
And the politicians throwing stones
Singing ashes, ashes all fall down.
Commissars and pin-striped bosses role the dice
Any way they fall guess who gets to pay the price.
Money green or proletarian gray, selling guns instead of food today.
So the kids they dance, they shake their bones
While the politicians throwing stones
Singing ashes, ashes all fall down.
Heartless powers try to tell us what to think
If the spirit's sleeping, then the flesh is ink.
History's page, it is thusly carved in stone
The future's here, we are it, we are on our own.
If the game is lost then we're all the same
No one left to place or take the blame.
We will leave this place an empty stone
Or this shinning ball of blue we can call our home
So the kids they dance, they shake their bones
While the politicians are throwing stones
Singing ashes, ashes all fall down.
Shipping powders back and forth
Singing "black goes south while white comes north"
And the whole world full of petty wars
Singing "I got mine and you got yours."
And the current fashions set the pace.
Lose your step, fall out of grace.
And the radical he rant and rage, Singing "someone got to turn the page"
And the rich man in his summer home,
Singing "Just leave well enough alone"
But his pants are down, his cover's blown
And the politicians are throwing stones
So the kids they dance they shake their bones
Cause its all too clear we're on our own
Picture a bright blue ball just spinning, spinning free
It's dizzying, the possibilities. Ashes, Ashes all fall down.

Friday the 13th

(I wrote this blog on Friday, April 13th)

11:30 AM

"DAVID!  Sit down for a minute, 'cause you pacin 'bout that iPod!  Matter a fact, do some writing!"

I just got back from the GA office and my new GA worker was of no help at all.  She won't even meet with me.  I basically waited for three hours for my worker to bring me a piece of paper with a box checked indicating I was still homeless!  I took her a letter from CityTeam and filled out the proper paper work to notify them that I was no longer homeless and I was in a program.  

It's a long story, but I'm really trying to do the right thing.  I'm really trying to get back on my feet.  The guy who took me, "Tex", has nine months clean.  He had to walk me down to my monthy appointment because I am on restriction.  On the way back from the GA office, he said it best, "It took me six months to dig that hole in the ground in Golden Gate Park and I lived in it for nine years!  We ain't gonna get out of this mess overnight dog!"  He's right.

I was in a rush this morning to get the GA office.  I also wanted to make it to a funeral this morning.  In my haste and complete absent mindedness, I guess I left my iPod sitting on one of the tables.  It's gone.  It's gone on a day when two guys are in the process of packing their stuff because they got caught steeling.  

This all went down while I was at my appointment.  One of the the thieves gave a not as nice iPod as my iPod to one of the other guys in the program.  I really like this thief and I do not want to point the finger nor do I believe he would steel from me,  but it's hard not to make assumptions.  I feel really bad about feeling this way about this person, but there is a guilt by association factor involved here.  He also seems to be a bit of a klepto.  He obviously has issues.  I really like him but I also like my iPod.   I'm not so sure about the other guy and I haven't seen him yet, but I again, I don't want to point the finger here.

That iPod was really helping me get through some tough times.  It helped me at night.  It helps me not have to talk, which apparently bugs the crap out of some people here.  More than anything, it helps me get out of my head.  I said I believe in Karma to some degree.  I got some bad karma coming my way.  I have to work through it.  I have to let all the "stuff" from this morning go.  It still sucks.  

I can't quit smoking.  After I realized all this, I smoked a cigarette with a patch on my arm!  

I'm am glad the house manager to told me to write, because it helps.  I still feel like crap about all this.  The house manager said to me, "We gonna find that iPod!"  

If we don't, I'll be playing more guitar.  I'm alive.  I have been clean for 28 days.  Both of those facts are miracles.

I've been caught stealing;
once when I was 5...
I enjoy stealing.
It's just as simple as that.
Well, it's just a simple fact.
When I want something,
I don't want to pay for it.

I walk right through the door.
Walk right through the door.
Hey all right! If I get by, it's mine.
Mine all mine!

My girl, she's one too.
She'll go and get her a skirt.
Stick it under her shirt.
She grabbed a razor for me.
And she did it just like that.
When she wants something,
She don't want to pay for it.

She walk right through the door.
Walk right through the door.
Hey all right! If I get by, it's mine.
Mine all mine!

We sat around the pile.
We sat and laughed.
We sat and laughed and
Waved it into the air!
And we did it just like that.
When we want something,
We don't want to pay for it.

We walk right through the door.
Walk right through the door.
Hey, all right! If I get by, it's mine,
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine... 

 

1:25 PM

The iPod showed up!  

Someone who isn't going to be here much longer, we'll call him "my homeboy", because that's what he calls me was playing a trick on me.  HA HA.  I like this guy too.  I do always tell him to quit working (his name here)'s program.  

The truth is, I'm glad it all happened.  I get to say goodby to my klepto friend without feeling the way I felt.  I'm so glad I didn't point the finger.  I really prayed hard on it. I didn't think they'd steel from me.  They had been steeling donations.  It was wrong for them to do that.

Actually, the guy I really liked who I didn't want to be suspicious of is the one who found it!  He said, "Dave, is that it?"  It was!  I first I thought, "Maybe he felt guilty or didn't realize it was mine."  It was just then "my homeboy" walked back into the door from wherever he was and said, "I hid that this morning under that backpack playing a joke on you and forgot."  Someone just happened to pick up the backpack.  I wasn't alone in my suspicion.  A couple of guys let me know that.  The house manager said to me, "I's fixin to treat dem like deys in county!"

I spent some of my morning when people weren't near me saying out loud, "FUCK, FUCK, FUCK."  I know it shouldn't be that stressful, but I just had a lot happening this morning.

A staff member let "my homeboy" what it did to me.  He really was just trying to mess with me.  He did, but I'm okay.  I need music.

Listen up, listen up!
Here we go
It's a fucked up world
A fucked up place
Everybody's judged by their fucked up face
Fucked up dreams
Fucked up life
A fucked up kid
With a fucked up knife
Fucked up moms
And fucked up dads
It's a fucked up a cop
With a fucked up badge
Fucked up job
With fucked up pay
And a fucked up boss
Is a fucked up pain
Fucked up press
And fucked up lies
Well, Lethal's in the back
With the fact of the fires

Hey, it's on
Everybody knows it's on
Hey, it's on
Everybody knows it's on

Ain't it a shame that you can't say "Fuck"
Fuck's just a word
And it's all fucked up
Like a fucked up punk
With a fucked up mouth
A nine inch nail
I'll get knocked the fuck out
Fucked up aids
From fucked up sex
Fake ass titties
On a fucked up chest
We're all fucked up
So whatcha wanna do?
We fucked up me
And fucked up you

You wanna fuck me like an animal
You'd like to burn me on the inside
You like to think that I'm a perfect drug
Just know that nothing you do
Will bring you closer to me

Ain't life a bitch?
A fucked up bitch
A fucked up sore with a fucked up stitch
A fucked up head
Is a fucked up shame
Swinging on my nuts
Is a fucked up game
Jealousy filling up a fucked up mind
It's real fucked up
Like a fucked up crime
If I say "Fuck", two more times
That's forty six "Fucks" in this fucked up rhyme

It's on
Everybody knows it's on
Hey, it's on
Everybody knows it's on

You wanna fuck me like an animal
You'd like to burn me on the inside
You like to think that I'm a perfect drug
Just know that nothing you do
Will bring you closer to me

Hooo Haaa Haaaw!
Listen up baby
You.. can't.. bring.. me.. (bring me).. down
I.. don't.. think.. so
I don't want some
You.. better.. check.. your.. (check it).. self
Before.. you.. wreck.. your.. self
Kiss.. my.. star.. fish
My.. choco.. late.. Starfish.. punk
Kiss.. my.. star.. fish
My.. choco.. late.. Starfish.. punk

You wanna fuck me like an animal
You'd like to burn me on the inside
You like to think that I'm a perfect drug
Just know that nothing you do
Will bring you closer to me

All We Are

(I wrote this blog on April 9th, 2012)

Today is a gift.  Tomorrow is not guaranteed.  At the same time, unwarranted fear is worthless.  I think.  Perhaps fear of being irresponsible, careless or reckless is healthy.  I don't know why that wasn't clear to me all the time.  It just wasn't.  It's clear today.

I hate when I call Susan and she doesn't answer.  How she lived her day to day life all those years while I was out there risking my life to feel good, I'll never know.  I now see I was risking hers too.  It's stressful to be a co-dependent.  Stress is unhealthy.  Then there is this dark side that I don't even wanna talk about.  

I was not appreciating her every day.  My past actions pain me today.  Susan has shingles.  I asked her how she got them.  She said, "the doctor said stress."  Susan also fell and sprang her ankle yesterday.  It's early Monday morning.  At least it's time for a process group here at CityTeam.

(After the process group)

The surfer guy from L.A. who's girlfriend died Friday read something for us in our process group this morning.   It came from a book called My Daily Bread.  He read Chapter 13 called, Nearness of Death:

CHRIST:

1.  My child, in a little while this earthly life of yours will be over.  Just how ready are you to enter the next life?  Man exists today and tomorrow is seen no more.  When he is out of sight, he is also quickly out of mind.  The human heart can be so dull and hard!  It fixes its attention on things present.  It often provides for things that are to come.

2.  In the morning, consider for a moment that you may not live to evening.  When evening comes, don't be to confident  you will see the next morning.  These thoughts should not make you gloomy, but practical.  Live in such a way that death will never find you unprepared.  Live each day as you would want to live the last day of your life.  Too many die suddenly and unprepared.  I have warned everyone:  "The son of man will come at the hour when he is not expected."

3.  How many have deceived themselves into thinking they still had plenty of time.  The were snatched unexpectedly from this life.  How often have you heard that someone was killed in a fight; another was drowned; another fell and broke his neck?  This man died while sitting at a table.  That one passed away while enjoying a game.  Some die by fire; some by violence; some are destroyed by disease; some are killed at the hand of robbers.  Thus brings an end to all, and mans life suddenly passes away like a fleeting shadow.

THINK:

Why should I refuse to face facts?  Will I die any sooner if I think of death?  Or, am I going to escape death if I never think of it.  The most terrible death that will come to me is the death that will find me in mortal sin.  Every other aspect of death is a passing thing, but this last phase - the unprovided death - will hurt me forever.

Death with all it's uncertainties is a fact.  I should face facts and see what should be done about them.  What can I do about death?  I can live in such a way that no matter when death comes, it will find me in the sanctity of grace.

PRAY:

Lord, for those in mortal sin, death is the gateway to hell, but for those in the sanctity of grace, it is the pathway to Heaven.  Let my greatest desire in life be to live in such a way that I can die fearlessly at any moment.  Let me fear sin more than death or any other earthly harm.

Amen

Susan saved my life while I was living in mortal sin.  If there is a hell, and all my earthly, insane experiences seems to suggest there is, that's where I'd be.

How can I possibly repay such an act to someone who loved me?  Not they way I did.  Not by hurting her more.  I'm not afraid to die today.  I don't want to die today.  If I d0, I might still go to hell.  My chances of living are much greater when I am living in "sanctifying grace."  That's all I can do for today.  I have also asked for forgiveness.

My concerns aren't for me, they are for others - especially Susan.  I wasn't there for her.  I really wanted to be, but I kept using.  Now, I'm not using, but I'm still not there for her.  I pray for her health, her protection and her soul at least once a day.  To me she was an angel.  Her faith (or lack there of) in God concerned me.  This was kind of ridiculous because her actions were so Godly to me.  Mine were not.  I thought it was my mission in help her her with her faith.  Perhaps I was wrong to feel that way.  If I did anything, I probably lessened her faith.

Somewhere in the Bible it says those who have been given much, much will be expected or something like that.  I have to live by this today.  I have been given so much from the universe.  My life has literally been spared on multiple occasions.  I owe the universe a lot. That's kind of what this blog is all about.

I know my actions were very wrong.  I always admitted I wasn't walking the walk, but my experience told me there was a God.  One thing I believe God really wants from us is Truth.  God was not happy with my behavior.  The dark side is seducing.  I lusted for it.

I care about Susan.  I love her.  The part of me that still wants to be with her is probably the selfish me.  I have to stay clean.  I believe I will.  However, I know most addicts won't.  I can't deny this. The end for most of us won't be pretty. God forbid I fall again, it can't be Susan who catches me.  

Towards the end of our marriage, Susan would say, "I just can't do it anymore.", "I can't be on this roller coaster.", "I'm done.", "I can't keep getting my hopes up." or "I will always love you on a deeper level."

I'll miss her when she's gone from San Francisco someday.  I just pray she'll be happy and healthy.  I pray she'll get everything her kind soul deserves.  I feel I love her enough to let her go.  I'll miss her.  These feelings confuse me.  It's not good to be confused.

For now she lives around the corner.  In a couple of weeks, I'll be able to visit her.  I told her I wanted to be her maid.  I think she's gonna take me up on that.  I hope so.  I want to help her any way I can.  She has a lot going on and a demanding job.  I want to be a good friend to her at least.  I want to repay her any way I can.

Although I am clean, I am still battling my demons on a smaller scale.  They come in the form of cigarettes.  When I was younger, I smoked when I partied.  I partied often and it's frequency increased over the years.  I coughed all the time.  About six years ago, I quit.

I still shot speed, but I quit smoking.  The last run I was on in which I ended up homeless, I started smoking again.  I picked cigarette butts up off the ground to smoke so I could at least have some kind of fix.

While at Walden House for eight days, I quit.  No one offered cigarettes to me there.  Here, they did.  I accepted.  A lot of people are giving and friendly here and recognized I had nothing when I came in.  Some of them also have a little income.

Now, I have a little money and continue to buy one cigarette at a time.  I only smoke about three or four a day, but that's three or four too many.  I hate them!  I spend $1.40 a day (which comes out to about $42.00 per month) out of my $59.00 I receive each month.  This is ridiculous.  I'd rather buy nicer razors and shaving cream and things like better shampoo instead.

My cigarette smoking is a micro-scale to my meth use, but it's basically the same.  I crave them, I give in, I enjoy the first couple of puffs, then it gets disgusting, then I regret smoking it and then I feel like crap.  Cigarettes were also a gateway to my meth use in the recent past.  Once I decided use meth, I would smoke a cigarette first to calm my nerves to get me through the process of buying it and getting my syringe.

Things have been really stressful here and I have been using cigarettes as a crutch.  I also smoke out of boredom or because that's what everyone else is doing out front.  Out front is the only place I'm aloud to go outside since I'm on restriction.  I do recognize all of this and am trying to not get to down on myself, but enough is enough.

I have been saying I'm going to quit for about a week now.  The first day my friends girlfriend died.  This brought up all kinds of feelings I use over.  In this case it was at least only nicotine.  

Usually by afternoon I break down.  I thought on Easter Sunday, "My grandpa died on Easter Sunday - this would be a good day."  I smoked.  On Monday, one of the guys who was recently in the program died of lung cancer.  I thought, "This is the day!"  I sm0ked.  Tuesday, I ran three miles on the treadmill thinking this would make me not want to smoke.  I smoked.  Yesterday, we practiced softball.  I smoked.  I smoked six or seven cigarettes.  Last night before I went to bed, I took a cigarette I had  into the bathroom, said a prayer and flushed it down the toilet!  I woke up this morning with a little cough and some crap in my lungs.  I've decided today - THAT'S IT!

This morning, in our process group check-in, I said I was okay, but I was trying to quit smoking - again!  The young guy sitting next to me handed me a handful of nicotine patches.  Since I'm not a heavy smoker, I cut one into quarters and stuck it on my arm.  So far, so good.  It's 1:30.  Life is too precious.

I tasted, tasted love so sweet
And all of it was lost on me
Bought and sold like property
Sugar on my tongue

I kept falling over
I kept looking backward
I went broke believing
That the simple should be hard

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful

I wasted, wasted love for you
Trading out for something new
Well, it's hard to change the way you lose
If you think you've never won

'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful

And in the end the words won't matter
'Cause in the end nothing stays the same
And in the end dreams just scatter and fall like rain

'Cause all we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, something real

All we are we are
All we are we are
And every day is a start of something beautiful, beautiful