He's Gone

(10/13)

Gina asked me how I was taking the Red's loss the other day and I told her I could hardly do sports anymore. I told her I preferred art and music because there are no losers. This doesn't mean art and music doesn't also stir up strong emotions however. I really realized this last night at The Fillmore.

It's the first time I've been to the Fillmore in a long time. I went to Jerry Day (another Grateful Dead related event) right after Susan left for Cincinnati and it didn't stir up that many emotions - maybe it did. I had A LOT going on that day. More than I even realized that day.  Susan left Friday, I had my "fun" on Saturday, Jerry Day was Sunday, I was put on restriction at that program on Monday and kicked out on Tuesday. 

I guess I haven't had much of a chance to take it all in. Seeing Dark Star Orchestra last night was really emotional for me. It was weird. They are so good. They sound just like The Grateful Dead.   The Jerry guy even looks like Jerry and the Bob guy looks like Bob.  Especially their mannerisms when they are singing. It's kind of like they are acting, but it's more about recreating every aspect of the sound that they "act" the way they do - if that makes sense.  It's important for the Bob guy to jerk his head away from the microphone for instance to get that same sound at the right time.

 

The cool thing is they pick out an actual Grateful Dead show from the past and recreate it song for song - and the do it well! I figured they would play a couple songs that brought back memories but it seemed every single song spoke to me somehow. In fact, many were songs from blogs I have already written. It was really weird. It turns out they played a show from July, 1991 in Detroit. I wasn't at that show, but that's around the time I was going to shows. Sus and I went to shows from 1990 until 1995 when Jerry died.

My one “trip” to Detroit for a Grateful Dead concert was the most messed up on LSD I had ever been. It was ridiculous really. Susan wasn't with me for one at this one (I usually got extra messed up in this case) and I ended up eating so many different forms of LSD.  I was kind of the guinea pig....  It was probably about the equivalent of 50 hits. I ate a bunch of mushrooms too, but the LSD was this crystal wash stuff – LSD in it's purist form.  It's the left over stuff that the sheets are dipped in.  It's a long story and I don't want to tell it. I'm really not trying to glorify it either. It was stupid. I kept blacking out and....it's a long and crazy story. I didn't usually get that messed up at shows.  It actually made me think that I might have a problem.  Maybe?

Yesterday I was working and I figured out how to view Facebook on my MetroPCS phone.  It's like a generic Blackberry.  I call it my Dingleberry. I decided I should see if I could put something on Facebook so I simply posted the first thing that came to my mind - go figure. The first thing that came to my mind was, “Nothin left to do but smile, smile, smile!” I didn't even know what Dead song that came from, but I felt pretty happy I was getting to go to see Dark Star so it sounded good to me.

Then, this hot little tweeker chick at the plaza started shooting up right in front of me. I was so attracted to her when she did that. It was messed up. She was messed up.  I still think it was hot.   She was nuts, but she was hot.  That drug makes one that way.  Nuts that is.  Hot sometimes too.  One certainly feels hot.  I wanted to feel hot and be nuts with her!  It really had my heart racing. See how messed up I am? 

I noticed some other street artists watching her. I walked over to them and said to my friend John, “I would have never been so obvious....” He interrupted me in his New Zealand accent and said “You are not allowed to think about it – at all!” I have lots of people looking out for me. John has been a good friend for a long time.  He's a kind, gay teddy bear.  He's now the Street Artist Manager!  He got really frustrated with me when I would relapse over the years.  He was always very good to Susan too.  

Pretty much all my street artist friends know my story.  Does that surprise anyone?  I've known them for years. Most are very cool.  Some are addicts themselves.  Some are clean and some aren't. 

My friend Rich who is from Indiana who goes to church with me now said, “Everyone figured you were dead.” I almost was.  I tried.  I was in hell that's for sure.  He saw me months ago when I was homeless.  He bought me a pack of cigarettes, a drink and gave me five bucks.  I had one hit left.  I went into one of those "self-cleaning" bathrooms on the street to shoot my last hit.  When the door opened there was a woman putting on her makeup for the night.  I told her I just needed to be in there a for a minute.  As I rolled up my sleeve and did my hit, she said, "would you like a....?"  I could tell what kind of lady she was so I said, "I only have $5."  She said, "Okay."  I mean - I just did a hit of speed....   Should I tell Rich that?  Should I have told you that?  Like I have said, those two things go hand and hand.  It's a messed up world out there.

I left a little early to go to the show. When I got home. I can't believe I can say that – home! Home! So when I got home, I turned the radio on. It was an all request hour on KFOG. The first song I heard requested was, Touch of Grey. That song has come to mean so much to me. I've always loved it, but it really has a lot of meaning to me these days. It actually started back when I was in the ICU. It's more Susan's story here. She went to Walgreens while I was in the ICU. She knew by now I would live, but had no idea if I would ever be normal again. She said that song came on and it meant to her what it meant to her. “We will get by. We will survive.”  I also believe she hoped the “silver lining” would be that I quit using – if I got my “cookies” back.

Walgreens must have that on their play list, because after I finally relapsed I heard it a few times every time I went to buy a syringe there. The song playing was usually a song that spoke more to our relationship coming to an end, but when I heard that one occasionally, I always thought of her telling me that story.

It's the song that I chose for the blog that I wrote the night I found out she was pregnant. Right after she told me, I went to Brainwash. The first thing the comedian on stage said was, “I'm 37 years old and my uterus is screaming for a baby.” Susan was 37. I remember writing in that blog, “It's as if the comedians know what's going on.” I of course was not going to write what I knew until it was okay with Susan someday.  Assuming there were no complications, I knew everyone would know someday and as I've said in the past, I prefer things to come from the horses mouth.  Well, I may not be the horse here, but I didn't want people to judge her and I always want people to know the hell I put her through.  She's a good person.  One of the best.

I remember writing that “I don't have a song for this one”. I then thought of one.   I felt, "It's even worse that it appears, but, it's alright." I had been praying for God's will for Susan. I realized this may be it.  Still, I knew that “Every silver lining has a Touch of Grey”.   I of course named that blog, Touch of Grey.

I left Brainwash and my friend “the devil” was waiting for me outside. He “had a $20 for me”.   Susan and I had ran into him a couple of days before.  The devil and I both talked of how good we were doing and he told me I helped him.   I told him how he helped me.   He really did. Both the man who became the devil and the devil as a voice in my head helped me - in a dark kind of way.  Ironically, The devil as a voice  in my head actually told me that Susan would get pregnant just a couple of months before this actually happened - with his own evil twist to it of course.   It was still one of those undeniable things the voices told me would happen, before it happened, that did happen.

I wanted to write a blog called, Friend of the Devil, the day Susan and I saw him, but just never had the time.  I've missed so many opportunities like that.  I was the best man for one of my best friends and he played that song for me at his wedding.  "Took my $20 bill and it vanished in the air...."  I can't tell you how many times the devil has done that to me!  How in the world did my friend know I would be the Friend of the Devil someday?

After leaving the devil that night I saw so many syringes on the street on my two block walk back to Soul Assistance. I knew using would help nothing.  In many ways, using is what created the "mess" I found myself in anyway.  It hurt.

It's the first song I heard played at Jerry Day two days after Susan left for Cincinnati which turned out to be two days before I was exited from Soul Assistance. It's the first song Dark Star played last night.

I probably won't get the order correct and I don't feel like looking it up but the also played, I Need a Miracle. That's one I wrote while in the program basically saying, “I Need a Miracle, Everyday!” I still do. And I'm getting one too!

They also played Throwing Stones.  Throwing Stones is the blog I wrote when “Rudy's trying to pick a fight” with me – the first time.  They actually went in out of that song throughout the whole second set.  I love when they do that.  I love that song.

I was wondering what song they were going to play that I could use for a blog. I had already used so many. Then I heard the first two notes of He's Gone and I knew that would be that song I would be using. I realized, “That's where those lyrics, 'Nothin left to do but smile, smile, smile!' come from”. It's some of the other lyrics that had had me already thinking in the past it would be a blog title some day. Esecially, “He's gone, he's gooone and nothing's going to bring him back.  He's gone”  That's bascially what Susan concluded I was the last year I was using.  In many ways, I was.  She actually thought it would be best for me to die. I was really that gone. I remember years ago my friend who I was his best man sent me a song on Facebook. It was He's Gone. I don't know whny I'm not saying that friends name.  It's Marty.  It's not like he did anything wrong here.  I'm just so used to not saying peoples name from the past being in that program.  Marty has always been there for me when I need him.  He has been supportive for so many years.  At the time he posted that on my Facebook, I was gone, but I never knew if he realized how much I really was and how seeing that made me think he somehow knew more.  In my world he did. I also believe that in many ways, the two of us are connected - as are many of us.

I figured since they were playing San Francisco, they may choose a show that would have the lyrics, “Somewhere in San Francisco, on a back porch in July, just looking up to Heaven at this crescent in the sky. Standing on the moon with nothing better to do, a lovely view of Heaven, but I'd rather be with you.”. I kind of hoped they would play it Saturday Night, the night I wasn't going! Standing on the Moon is the song Susan and I danced to on our wedding night. Standing on the Moon was the title of the first blog I wrote when I started writing this blog again for the first time in over a year - back in February. I was homeless at the time. Actually, I was starting to stay at a shelter and had been going to the library. 

It was seeing President Obama that morning that inspired me to start writing again! In fact, I saw him again last Monday night. That's the third time this year! He just happened to be crossing Market Street at 10:00 at night when I was biking home from my book group.  I didn't see him nearly as good this time as the first, but I saw his limo and his silhouette. I should reiterate, Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog endorses President Obama!  Perhaps we too are connected.  Poor man.  I heard that man's voice in my head quite a bit, which meant in my world, I too was in his!  What a waste of time for the President of the United States, huh?  He was always too the point, but generally kind about it all.  I knew I shouldn't be there - in his head that is.  Poor Susan's head.  And, you all better hope I don't relapse!  Especially the ones I have gotten closet to.  I have no idea where everyone is in that world, but I'm pretty sure they are somewhere.

Susan has told me she can't listen to Standing on the Moon either.  I used to play it on guitar.  Now, I can't.  I have it in my book of songs I play on guitar all the time.  Every time I'm paging through it looking for something to play, I flip past it really fast when I see it.  I'd just rather not play it.  We used to love hearing it live at shows together.  Hearing it brought tears to my eyes at the show.  It is still a beautiful song though. 

I have to stop. I have so much to do right now. Perhaps I'll finish this tomorrow night. I'm tired, but I have work to do and I have to go to Cafe Greco to get online to pay my phone bill! I'll be glad when I get internet access here. In time. It's all coming together slowly but surely.

(10/14)

Today sucked. I've never zeroed on a Sunday. The Bengals lost to the win-less Browns. Like I said, I can't hardly do sports anymore. I'm realizing art is emotionally hard too. Well, I guess since I am the type of artist who uses a camera, this can make it even harder.  I just got home and was looking for some photos to print and in doing so, I have to see all of the photos of Susan and I together over the years. I've been experiencing that a lot lately in my search for certain photos I took over the years. I'm trying to get my files organized. I have a lot to be grateful, but I think it's important I'm honest about my feelings too.

I did go to church this morning. I went with my friend Rich who is a street artist. The sermon was about how it's a given we will experience pain and it is important we mourn pain. The pastor said that we actually release toxins in our tears. The sermon spoke of how the meek will inherit the earth. In some ways, I really feel this applies to me. I believe it is extremely important I don't try to sugar coat things to make myself feel better. When I hurt I hurt. That's life.  I want to be an inspiration, but I would rather be honest about how I'm feeling than sound positive all the time.

More than anything I feel like laying down. Well, not more than anything, but I'll spare you all those details. I do believe things will be just fine and I am truly grateful – even though I said I wouldn't do that. It is just true. So is what my feeling down makes me crave - true that is. Should I take a walk? Should I take a run? I'm just going to rest. I know what I'll do – I'll lay in bed and watch a movie! I actually am grateful I can even do such a thing. In my HOME. Thank you God - and Richard.

(10/16)

Where was I?  I feel better.  I'm still working my butt off for next to nothing, but, "...it's all right..."  I've been taking my guitar to work with me the past two days.  I've really got Touch of Grey down pretty good.  It's really a fun song to play.  It has a really cool chord progression and awesome lyrics.  I was playing it yesterday behind my stand and this couple with a baby stroller were standing out in front of me.  I noticed about the same time they did, their tiny little baby was dancing in her stroller!  We all smiled very big.  It made my day.  

Okay, I need to finish this blog.  What's been happening since work?  Wait, I need to finish talking about those songs they played Friday.  

I thought they were going to play Women are Smarter, but it ended up being Iko Iko,  Susan loves that song - Women are Smarter.  It is a good song.  I used to play it on the guitar all the time.  It made Susan happy!  I stopped playing it because I just don't believe it to be true anymore.  That's a joke ladies - of course it's true.  I mean I do want to.....some day.  And, I've just got so much going for me!  Perhaps we can have a date in one of San Francisco finest "self-cleaning" bathrooms!   I think the actual name of the song is Man Smart, Woman Smarter.  Most likely.  It's never been a blog, I thought it was going to be that tune for sure however.  It made me smile. 

They also played Wharf Rat.  I included Wharf Rat in the blog I wrote years ago before I could even put videos in my blogs.  That blog was Contrails.  Ironically,  I just re-posted that blog about a month ago - this time with that video in the blog.  The Wharf Rat's are also the group of Deadheads I was at the show with.  We are a group of deadheads who have chosen to be clean but still enjoy the music.  We set up a table at each show for support of anyone who may need it during the show.  It's a great group of people.  I am even the facilitator of a group of Wharf Rat's on Wednesday night.  I like having that as a commitment.

I haven't really used "concert going" drugs in almost ten years, however, before the concert, someone outside the show said, "Doses, shrooms, GHB"  I was by myself at this point and almost my default a voice in my head said, "Yes, Yes, Yes!"  Really old habits die hard I guess.  I of course walked on.  It's still nice to have other clean friends in such an enviroment.  I really don't regreat doing all the LSD, but I don't want to do it again.  I really don't ever crave it either. 

They had to of course play Brokedown Palace.  Brokedown Palace is the blog I wrote the day Susan left for Cincinnati.  That was another one that brought tears to my eyes. "Fare you well, fare you well, I love you more than words can tell,
Listen to the river sing sweet songs, to rock my soul."
I just went back to find the blog and read a bit of it.  Now, I'm sitting at Cafe Greco with my eyes full of tears.  Oh well.  The blog was actually called Don't know why - Brokedown Palace.

When I look back at all these blogs, I can't believe I made it through all this without using.  I still don't want to - use drugs at least.  I feel lonely, so....

They also played The Wheel.  I guess I wasn't always making it through all this without using. This fact is evident in my blog The Wheel.  I wrote that blog when I was trying to get clean.  "Won't you try just a little bit harder, couldn't you try just a little bit more!"  My getting lots of support from many of you back then is in so many ways is the reason I have what I have today.  Thank you.

They played Not Fade Away too.  I could have swore I used that one, but I can't find it.  Maybe I started to.  Who knows?  Maybe it's within a blog with a different title.  I'm just glad people can no longer think or say about me - "He's Gone."

I'm "off" tomorrow!   Well, I have a lot of work to do, but I am not going to set up my display tomorrow which to me makes it feel like I'm off.  My head just started spinning!  "Where should I go? What should I do?  Where might "she" be?"  I better go home.  Home!  I don't want to end up "gone" anymore!

(10/17)

I have seven months clean today.  

I went to the DMV and had them resend my license that "someone" from Soul Assistance sent back.  I ran into Daniel of the Lions Den, from Soul Assistance while there!  I've been wandering about that kid.  He's doing good.  I gave him my number.  The last time I was at the DMV, I took Leonard Sizemore, from Soul Assistance, with me so he could also get his ID.  This was the day before I was exited from Soul Assistance.  I, of course, used their address for myself.  I really had no idea they would kick me out the next day.  It is what it is.

I got a bill from Generally Hospital today for $3000.00.  I could explain the details of it all, but basically, I hope I can clear it up.  It initially had me feeling defeated.  It still does a little.  Feeling defeated makes me want to say "F___ it!"  I took a nap instead.  That helped - some.  I made life hard.  It still beats being "Gone".   I need to remind myself of that a lot today.

I of course chose to use a video from Dark Star Orchestra.  The "Donna Jean" character was not there when I saw them Friday.  I didn't go Saturday night, but another character showed up to play with them - Phil Lesh!

It's kind of been a hard day, but there really is "Nothin left to do but smile, smile, smile!"

Rat in a drain

ditch, caught on a limb
You know better but I know him
Like I told you, what I said
Steal your face right off your head

Now, he's gone, now he's gone, Lord, he's gone
He's gone, like a steam locomotive
Rollin' down the track, he's gone, he's gone
And nothin's gonna bring him back, he's gone

Nine mile skid on a ten mile ride
Hot as a pistol but cool inside
Cat on a tin roof, dogs in a pile
Nothin' left to do but smile, smile, smile

Now, he's gone, now he's gone, Lord, he's gone
He's gone, like a steam locomotive
Rollin' down the track, he's gone, he's gone
And nothin's gonna bring him back, he's gone

Goin' where the wind don't blow so strange
Maybe off on some high cold mountain chain
Lost one round but the price wasn't anythin'
A knife in the back and more of the same

Same old, rat in a drain ditch, caught on a limb
You know better but I know him
Like I told you, what I said
Steal your face right off your head

Now, he's gone, now he's gone, Lord, he's gone
He's gone, like a steam locomotive
Rollin' down the track, he's gone, he's gone
And nothin's gonna bring him back, he's gone

Like a steam locomotive
Rollin' down the track, he's gone, he's gone
And nothin's gonna bring him back, he's gone
Ooh, nothin's gonna bring him back
Ooh, nothin's gonna bring him back
Ooh, nothin's gonna