(I wrote this blog 6-13-12)
I'm having a hard day. I wish I could end it there. For starters - I can't. I think it helps me to write. Others have told me it helps them. That's all I need to remember. Although this blog is about me - it's not about me.
I'm at the GA office. It's time for me to get re-evaluated. I may lose my GA today. Whatever happens happens. I don't really care. I have a roof over my head and I get to eat. Not being able to pay my student loan is simply my problem. I got court ordered to get on GA. I was told I didn't have to do workfare because I was an addict. Community Justice Court wanted me to get clean. They wanted me off the street. That's what I ended up doing - getting off the street and getting clean. Thank God for the San Francisco police department, CJC and GA (Welfare).
Which leads me to something I saw someone post on facebook this moring about welfare. It said that 4 states will now drug test people who receive welfare. Believe me, I know a lot of people manipulate the system. I use to use the money and benefits I got for drugs. However, I would have never gotten out of the mess I was in without welfare and all of the understanding people who really cared in San Francisco. The thing that was posted said something like - "if people get drug tested to work, shouldn't they get drug tested to not work." I'm not denying this way of thinking, but it is more complicated than that. Actually, the type of assistance I'm on requires me to work - cleaning the streets or buses. Some really are unable to work. I once lost it because I was high and did not work.
The same person that posted that, also posted a bunch of stuff about Jesus loving us. I'm not criticizing this person. Believe me, I live in a place where people manipulate the system and it bothers me. If they test positive for drugs - there out. I get frustrated with people like me. We are sick people.
(I MET WITH MY GA WORKER)
It's so strange how the universe unfolds for me. I'm basically in the midst of dealing with the bigger issue at hand today in my miniscule existence. I just met with my worker. She is really nice and really seems to care about my situation. I have been completely honest with her. My inner being wants to work hard for CityTeam to make it an accepted program for GA. Not just for me, but for others who come after me in the program and CityTeam itself. I do care that this happens and it should, but, my inner being is tired. I've never been good at dealing with stuff like this.
I told her, I have no real disability - I run 6 miles a day. My only disability is my addiction - that's why I was exempt by court order before from having to work 6 hours a week for GA. Now, I work a whole lot more than that a week and I have been clean for 89 days. That said, I'll probably lose my GA - because I am being honest and drug free. CityTeam will not allow us to work for six months. Every time I've ever gone back to work - I've relapsed. I've never waited six months.
I'm not complaining at all. I'm grateful they got me this far. What happens happens. I'm alive. I have food and shelter. I'm just mentally tired. My overdue bills are not taxpayer responsibility. I'll pay them someday - when I work again. I really don't care about any of this stuff. I still have to deal with it. I am less than worried or enthusiastic about the outcome. What happens happens.
I'm a mess for so many other reasons right now. This GA appointment is just an appointment I had to come to in the midst of the insanity my drug addiction created. As is evident from that facebook post, some of people don't care about people like me including people like me. If anyone has ever really hated me - it's me. Maybe I shouldn't say people don't care. A lot of people just don't understand addiction.
(I MET WITH THE FINGER PRINTING AND PHOTO TAKING PEOPLE)
So now I just had to get my finger print taken and my photo taken. This nice, cute, young Asian girl asked me, "how are you today?" I said, "Pretty good, how are you?" Is the "pretty good" part a lie? Yes. Was it the right answer? Probably.
I'm sure I don't look to happy in my photo. I tired. I don't really like being on the other side of the camera. I'm sure it beats some of my pawn shop photos. Man, some of those were scary. I took this one a few years ago. Look closely kids.
I'm having a hard day. I wish I could end it there. For starters - I can't. I think it helps me to write. Others have told me it helps them. That's all I need to remember. Although this blog is about me - it's not about me.
I'm at the GA office. It's time for me to get re-evaluated. I may lose my GA today. Whatever happens happens. I don't really care. I have a roof over my head and I get to eat. Not being able to pay my student loan is simply my problem. I got court ordered to get on GA. I was told I didn't have to do workfare because I was an addict. Community Justice Court wanted me to get clean. They wanted me off the street. That's what I ended up doing - getting off the street and getting clean. Thank God for the San Francisco police department, CJC and GA (Welfare).
Which leads me to something I saw someone post on facebook this moring about welfare. It said that 4 states will now drug test people who receive welfare. Believe me, I know a lot of people manipulate the system. I use to use the money and benefits I got for drugs. However, I would have never gotten out of the mess I was in without welfare and all of the understanding people who really cared in San Francisco. The thing that was posted said something like - "if people get drug tested to work, shouldn't they get drug tested to not work." I'm not denying this way of thinking, but it is more complicated than that. Actually, the type of assistance I'm on requires me to work - cleaning the streets or buses. Some really are unable to work. I once lost it because I was high and did not work.
The same person that posted that, also posted a bunch of stuff about Jesus loving us. I'm not criticizing this person. Believe me, I live in a place where people manipulate the system and it bothers me. If they test positive for drugs - there out. I get frustrated with people like me. We are sick people.
(I MET WITH MY GA WORKER)
It's so strange how the universe unfolds for me. I'm basically in the midst of dealing with the bigger issue at hand today in my miniscule existence. I just met with my worker. She is really nice and really seems to care about my situation. I have been completely honest with her. My inner being wants to work hard for CityTeam to make it an accepted program for GA. Not just for me, but for others who come after me in the program and CityTeam itself. I do care that this happens and it should, but, my inner being is tired. I've never been good at dealing with stuff like this.
I told her, I have no real disability - I run 6 miles a day. My only disability is my addiction - that's why I was exempt by court order before from having to work 6 hours a week for GA. Now, I work a whole lot more than that a week and I have been clean for 89 days. That said, I'll probably lose my GA - because I am being honest and drug free. CityTeam will not allow us to work for six months. Every time I've ever gone back to work - I've relapsed. I've never waited six months.
I'm not complaining at all. I'm grateful they got me this far. What happens happens. I'm alive. I have food and shelter. I'm just mentally tired. My overdue bills are not taxpayer responsibility. I'll pay them someday - when I work again. I really don't care about any of this stuff. I still have to deal with it. I am less than worried or enthusiastic about the outcome. What happens happens.
I'm a mess for so many other reasons right now. This GA appointment is just an appointment I had to come to in the midst of the insanity my drug addiction created. As is evident from that facebook post, some of people don't care about people like me including people like me. If anyone has ever really hated me - it's me. Maybe I shouldn't say people don't care. A lot of people just don't understand addiction.
(I MET WITH THE FINGER PRINTING AND PHOTO TAKING PEOPLE)
So now I just had to get my finger print taken and my photo taken. This nice, cute, young Asian girl asked me, "how are you today?" I said, "Pretty good, how are you?" Is the "pretty good" part a lie? Yes. Was it the right answer? Probably.
I'm sure I don't look to happy in my photo. I tired. I don't really like being on the other side of the camera. I'm sure it beats some of my pawn shop photos. Man, some of those were scary. I took this one a few years ago. Look closely kids.
 | ||
| This was a few years ago. It's all fun and games until it's not fun and games anymore. I've looked a lot worse. I wish I could get some of those pawn shop photos. |
I don't really like taking pictures of people. That has been changing a little for me - thanks to a very nice young lady who is also a photographer. We have been practicing taking photos of each other and may shoot people together - cause were gangsta like that. (for those of you who get my emails, you know I already used that stupid joke - but I liked it.)
People have been really nice to me lately. I've trusted people to share my reality with. Amazingly, the guys at CityTeam have been really supportive. There's this guy who's done some time in the pen and has a lot of anger issues. He was kicked out of CityTeam a couple of months ago for fighting. When they let him back in, I definitely tried not to make assumptions about him, but I did think, "OH great, another hot head". He looks pretty tough too! I wondered why they would let him back in. I'm glad they did. I really like this guy. The thing is, I've almost gotten in fights in this place and I don't think I have anger issues. And if you try to tell me I do, you'd better watch yourself. I'm trying to make myself smile, but I'm not smiling. This guy has been so amazing to me. I really appreciate him. When he sees me staring into space, he says things like "You alright brother?" He genuinely cares about my situation. A lot of these guys really do.
CityTeam is still full of testosterone. This is why I am grateful for Gina - my young photographer friend. I've known her for years. We met while I was selling my photos at the Ferry Building and I think she was just getting started in photography. We communicated when I was clean - which wasn't often. She has really come such a long way in her photography skills. She has an interest in shooting people, cause she's gansta.....okay I said that stupid joke. Like I said, we have practiced on each other. I have a bit of a self image problem, but even I like the photos she took of me.
I really like the ones I took of her. It's like I told her - She is very good on both sides of the camera. She is very artistic. She is great with photoshop - something I am not. She manipulated a photo I took of and it is really beautiful. I told her she looked like a painting.
She has inspired me to maybe want to start photographing people. I still like my buildings, bridges, puddles and trees! However, I have always seen the beauty in people. With people come personalities. I don't want to offend people. I've had people threaten to kick my ass for taking there photo. So far, Gina has not. She did threaten me though. I'm trying to use humor to defuse my sadness or self pity or whatever this blank feeling I am feeling is. It's kind of not working. I like shooting people when there not looking. Because I'm....ha. ha. I am gaining a new appreciation for photographing people who are posing.
Gina is vegan. Susan was vegetarian. Because of Susan, I became vegetarian. I really respect Susan's outspokenness and strong will about the things she believes in.
While homeless, I started eating meat. I eat meat at CityTeam because it is donated and about to go bad. Gina told me that I am a Freegan. I loved it. I couldn't wait to tell Susan this term. She loved it. Being a freegan means I only eat meat if it is free. At least it won't go to waste. I will never buy food that was once living for the rest of my life. It meant way to much to Susan. This should mean that once I am out of CityTeam, I will once again be a vegetarian. I do like being one. However, I also like the taste of meat so I am enjoying my freegan days while I can! Perhaps I'm a Freegatarian? Before I was a vegetarian I used to say that if I had to kill my own food to eat it, I would not eat it. So where does that put eating food off the top of a garbage can out of desperation. If I was starving would I eat bambi alive? Thank God for garbage can food.
I love people like Susan and Gina. They are good people. I once told Gina she reminded me of Susan. Gina said, "She must be awesome." She is.
I love my gay friends too. They have really been there for me. So have my testosterone overdrive Cityteam friends. I really am grateful for everyone. Charlie and the Hot Chocolate kids are planning a trip to visit me! I love them. I'm not very "manly" I guess. I am an emotional wreck is what I am. I'm so sick in the head. I'm so confused right now.
Speaking of manly, I read that out of fifty cities, Cincinnati was voted the 14th most manly city in the county. San Francisco is 49th. I belong here. I love this city. I also love Cincinnati. This city loves people. So does Cincinnati. They are still very different. Susan used to say I was metro-sexual. When I was a complete emotional mess in my addiction, she used to tell me, "You need to man up" She was right. I have - in my unmanly, sentimental way.
Susan and I have been talking a lot about her departure from San Francisco that will be happening soon. It's hard for both of us. I'm so grateful we have what we have with each other. It is a deeper form of love. We had a good laugh - I think it was yesterday morning. It surrounded my belief in God and never ending pursuit to "convert" her to a believer. A few weeks ago, I asked her, "Do you think I'm lying when I tell you about all of these things I have experienced that convince me there is a God?" She said, "I don't think you lying, I just think your full of shit!" I said, "Whats the difference?"
(After meeting with GA Triage unit to evaluate my workabiltiy)
So now I'm sitting in the ally so I can finish this blog. I lost my keys. My brain is so messed up. The other day I lost my wallet. I lose everything. I'm sure someone will let me know what and idiot I am. I'm not much further with GA than I was before. They do care but there are tecnicalities that may not allow me to get benefits. All's I'll be is honest. What happens happens. Do I have a disabling mental condition? It sure feels like it. I still work my ass off all week long to help people. GA ask for 6 hours a week. One place a person can do his workfare is at Glide feeding the homeless for 6 hours a week. I did that for 6 hours last Saturday and my job is now to the driver here. I have driven all over the bay area and beyond. I do love it, but it is a lot of driving. I love driving in big cities. I wish I were in New York right now. See how my head wants to escape. Two days ago, I drove all the way to Ukiah. It reminded me of the time Susan I stayed in Ukiah and the time we stayed in Ft. Bragg. It is beautiful up there. It's not a bad memory to have.
So yesterday I said to Susan, "You know, I can't stay clean by lying. Do you think I'm lying about all of this God stuff?" She said, "No, I just think you drank the Kool-aid!" I got a good laugh out of that one. I told her, "I did more than that, I shot the Kool-aid" I'll miss her for the person she is.
(So I was proofreading this and laughed out-loud. Rudy said, "What?" I told him the story and then added, "I couldn't even save our marriage, so how in the world am I suppose to save her soul? He laughed and said, "You need to stop tripping dude, she's no longer your wife!" We were just laughing, but I do really care about her still.)
For the past couple of months, I really wanted to get all of this blog posted as soon as I could. I hoped she may see something different in me. More than that, I hoped she start might to believe in God by reading this blog. I still hope that. She saved my life. To me, she is an angel. Is it possible to be an atheist angel? I believe so. I am certain that we will not be together. I already knew that before, but I really know it now. I was just messing with my own head anyway. I had many chances for many years. It's still hard. However, I do feel I can get some closure with this now and that we can move on with our lives. It's just been going on for so long, something needed to happen. I believe it all to be God's will. I promise I'll try to leave her out of this. It's been said to not get involved with a writer if you want privacy in your life. Did I already write this?
I now know she doesn't read this blog anymore. She told me that yesterday. I understand. It really wouldn't make sense for her to read it anyway. She read this blog for years because she was the editor. It seems at times like it didn't help either of us. I don't really care about me. That's not completely true. Let me say it like this: I'm trying to think of myself less - not less of myself.
I better get back to Cityteam before someone "holds me accountable" for typing on my computer in the ally. I'm not supposed to be doing this. I can't even have my computer at CityTeam, but I'll have to since I lost my keys. I took it to GA because I knew I may be there a while and I hate just sitting there in my head. I want to get back to a memorial service for one of our guys who just died. That's weighing on me. So is the fact that one of my new friends, Hefe Grande, relapsed last night. I care about him a lot. Someone who doesn't care about me has something to do with it, but I don' know what yet. I briefly exchanged emails with Hefe this morning about "something" that happened. I'm not really trying to get involved, but he wants to talk to me. I don't want to have any more reason to not care bout this guy who doesn't care about me, because I am trying really hard to care about him. I just want to be there for my friend who relapsed and if he needs to tell me something then that's okay with me. I'll try not to judge.
Every time I'm quiet at CityTeam, everyone wants to know why. Isn't that what they want? They'd rather ask me a question and then tell me to shut up. That really does happen. It's a screwed up bunch, but many of us do care about each other. Before I went to GA, the volunteer staff guy who's always giving me a hard time said, "David, you mean you have nothing to say about all this?" I simply replied, "No, I wasn't paying attention to what you were saying." I wasn't. My head was everywhere else. I usually try to stay tuned in and give feed back because I care. That's usually when I'm told to shut up.
I hate being me sometimes. I hate that it has taken so many people to help me in life. I feel pathetic. That's why I'm trying to help so many. Not so I don't feel pathetic, but because so many people helped me. One of the young guys, I'll call him Good Fella, just got back from his hometown with a tattoo that reads - Manic. It's pretty cool. I might get some tattoos. I don't know. How would that help? It might. I want tattoos on the arm I shot up in that remind of hell and that I will have to stick the needle through to get to high. Maybe. It will also have a "rise above it all" heavenly message incorporated. We'll see how I feel by the time I can afford it.
I feel lost again.
Speaking of not being very manly. The other day while in the kitchen this Kelly Clarkson song cam eon the radio.
I love people like Susan and Gina. They are good people. I once told Gina she reminded me of Susan. Gina said, "She must be awesome." She is.
I love my gay friends too. They have really been there for me. So have my testosterone overdrive Cityteam friends. I really am grateful for everyone. Charlie and the Hot Chocolate kids are planning a trip to visit me! I love them. I'm not very "manly" I guess. I am an emotional wreck is what I am. I'm so sick in the head. I'm so confused right now.
Speaking of manly, I read that out of fifty cities, Cincinnati was voted the 14th most manly city in the county. San Francisco is 49th. I belong here. I love this city. I also love Cincinnati. This city loves people. So does Cincinnati. They are still very different. Susan used to say I was metro-sexual. When I was a complete emotional mess in my addiction, she used to tell me, "You need to man up" She was right. I have - in my unmanly, sentimental way.
Susan and I have been talking a lot about her departure from San Francisco that will be happening soon. It's hard for both of us. I'm so grateful we have what we have with each other. It is a deeper form of love. We had a good laugh - I think it was yesterday morning. It surrounded my belief in God and never ending pursuit to "convert" her to a believer. A few weeks ago, I asked her, "Do you think I'm lying when I tell you about all of these things I have experienced that convince me there is a God?" She said, "I don't think you lying, I just think your full of shit!" I said, "Whats the difference?"
(After meeting with GA Triage unit to evaluate my workabiltiy)
So now I'm sitting in the ally so I can finish this blog. I lost my keys. My brain is so messed up. The other day I lost my wallet. I lose everything. I'm sure someone will let me know what and idiot I am. I'm not much further with GA than I was before. They do care but there are tecnicalities that may not allow me to get benefits. All's I'll be is honest. What happens happens. Do I have a disabling mental condition? It sure feels like it. I still work my ass off all week long to help people. GA ask for 6 hours a week. One place a person can do his workfare is at Glide feeding the homeless for 6 hours a week. I did that for 6 hours last Saturday and my job is now to the driver here. I have driven all over the bay area and beyond. I do love it, but it is a lot of driving. I love driving in big cities. I wish I were in New York right now. See how my head wants to escape. Two days ago, I drove all the way to Ukiah. It reminded me of the time Susan I stayed in Ukiah and the time we stayed in Ft. Bragg. It is beautiful up there. It's not a bad memory to have.
So yesterday I said to Susan, "You know, I can't stay clean by lying. Do you think I'm lying about all of this God stuff?" She said, "No, I just think you drank the Kool-aid!" I got a good laugh out of that one. I told her, "I did more than that, I shot the Kool-aid" I'll miss her for the person she is.
(So I was proofreading this and laughed out-loud. Rudy said, "What?" I told him the story and then added, "I couldn't even save our marriage, so how in the world am I suppose to save her soul? He laughed and said, "You need to stop tripping dude, she's no longer your wife!" We were just laughing, but I do really care about her still.)
For the past couple of months, I really wanted to get all of this blog posted as soon as I could. I hoped she may see something different in me. More than that, I hoped she start might to believe in God by reading this blog. I still hope that. She saved my life. To me, she is an angel. Is it possible to be an atheist angel? I believe so. I am certain that we will not be together. I already knew that before, but I really know it now. I was just messing with my own head anyway. I had many chances for many years. It's still hard. However, I do feel I can get some closure with this now and that we can move on with our lives. It's just been going on for so long, something needed to happen. I believe it all to be God's will. I promise I'll try to leave her out of this. It's been said to not get involved with a writer if you want privacy in your life. Did I already write this?
I now know she doesn't read this blog anymore. She told me that yesterday. I understand. It really wouldn't make sense for her to read it anyway. She read this blog for years because she was the editor. It seems at times like it didn't help either of us. I don't really care about me. That's not completely true. Let me say it like this: I'm trying to think of myself less - not less of myself.
I better get back to Cityteam before someone "holds me accountable" for typing on my computer in the ally. I'm not supposed to be doing this. I can't even have my computer at CityTeam, but I'll have to since I lost my keys. I took it to GA because I knew I may be there a while and I hate just sitting there in my head. I want to get back to a memorial service for one of our guys who just died. That's weighing on me. So is the fact that one of my new friends, Hefe Grande, relapsed last night. I care about him a lot. Someone who doesn't care about me has something to do with it, but I don' know what yet. I briefly exchanged emails with Hefe this morning about "something" that happened. I'm not really trying to get involved, but he wants to talk to me. I don't want to have any more reason to not care bout this guy who doesn't care about me, because I am trying really hard to care about him. I just want to be there for my friend who relapsed and if he needs to tell me something then that's okay with me. I'll try not to judge.
Every time I'm quiet at CityTeam, everyone wants to know why. Isn't that what they want? They'd rather ask me a question and then tell me to shut up. That really does happen. It's a screwed up bunch, but many of us do care about each other. Before I went to GA, the volunteer staff guy who's always giving me a hard time said, "David, you mean you have nothing to say about all this?" I simply replied, "No, I wasn't paying attention to what you were saying." I wasn't. My head was everywhere else. I usually try to stay tuned in and give feed back because I care. That's usually when I'm told to shut up.
I hate being me sometimes. I hate that it has taken so many people to help me in life. I feel pathetic. That's why I'm trying to help so many. Not so I don't feel pathetic, but because so many people helped me. One of the young guys, I'll call him Good Fella, just got back from his hometown with a tattoo that reads - Manic. It's pretty cool. I might get some tattoos. I don't know. How would that help? It might. I want tattoos on the arm I shot up in that remind of hell and that I will have to stick the needle through to get to high. Maybe. It will also have a "rise above it all" heavenly message incorporated. We'll see how I feel by the time I can afford it.
I feel lost again.
Speaking of not being very manly. The other day while in the kitchen this Kelly Clarkson song cam eon the radio.
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss then
Started with a perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
You know that I love you so I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah
Remember all the things we wanted
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
W
e were always meant to say goodbye
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone
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