Broken

(I wrote this blog 7-25)

It has been a hard day.  Not everything was bad, but it was just hard.  I'm not even really sure why.  I just feel depressed, heart broken, lonely, anxious,....  Oh.  Now this helps.  Barry Bonds just said, "Did you ask if you can get on the computer?"  No.   I said, "Your on the computer all the time!"  He just was on it for the last hour.  He said, "that's because I can."  Oh, I'm glad playing computer poker is so important.  You're not the house manager anymore.  If anyone's allowed in this office, it's me!

I'm just tired today.  I was already having vivid images of a needle going into my veins today and "the return" (seeing the blood flow back into the needle).  Let me just say that.  I don't know why.  I don't want to use and I won't use, but these images keep popping into my head.  I won't explain the detail so I don't have to feel it.  I already said too much.  I have always had good veins, but since I run all the time and work out a lot my veins are even bigger.  It sucks being triggered by my own body.  People on the street used to say. "You got ropes man".  Whatever.

I know I can't use and it kind of sucks.  Using sucks more.  Not using sucks.  Using sucks more.  I've relapsed many times around 4 months.  I am over 4 months and I will stay clean.  I do know that in my heart.  Using is so sick.  I use to like doing a big enough hit that it knocked the wind out of me and made me cough. If it scared me, it was good.  That's sick.  Why am I thinking about these things?!!

I went into my room this afternoon during study time.  I was just depressed and I actually slept.  I haven't slept in the afternoon since I was using.  It's just not really like me.  I needed to be alone.  I know I shouldn't isolate, but I just needed to lay there by myself.  

I'm usually always doing something.  Diablo says I'm like a hummingbird.  He says I wake up with my eyes fluttering.  Mr Ed has been calling me Forrest Gump since I run all the time.  It beats tweaker.

I did go pick up Phil and run to Rockers Guitar to buy a capo.  I lost mine.  Surprised?  They were too expensive so I went to Guitar Center before my Wednesday night City Church round table discussion.  That made my night.  I played an Gibson Les Paul, a Fender American Strat and a Gibson SG.  It's been a long time since I played an electric guitar.  

It felt so good.  I'll get one some day.  I actually think I'll get an SG.  I use to have a strat, but lost it to the pawn shop.  I always wanted a Les Paul, but they are so thick and heavy.  They still sound great.  I can't come up with a word.  Well, I can but I don't want to say it.  Let's just say it's masculine.  I was playing Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes on that Les Paul and it sounded so cool.  I'm not all that great of a guitar player, but it sure sounded good on that Les Paul.  It felt better.  I know it at least sounded better than it sounds on James Dean's acoustic Indiana guitar I play. I'm very grateful for that guitar.   I really loved the way that SG sounded, but it was more about the way it felt.  It was light and had a very thin neck and great action.  I love guitars.   And, it was the cheapest.  It wasn't cheap.  Marty plays an SG!  So does Angus Young!  I love Marty.

I then thought I should play an acoustic. I saw a $4000 Taylor.  I thought, "What could possibly make a guitar worth $4000?"  Then I played it!  I sounded good!

I sold a photo yesterday from my display at Brainwash.  The guy who bought it just moved here from New Zealand.  The Mate bought the red Battery 129 Tunnel.  This tunnel is way up in the Marin Headlands.  I use to spend the night up there sometimes.  Talk about creepy.  I loved it when I was high.  It fit right into my creepy world.  I took that photo around midnight (I was not high).  I set my camera on a tripod and left the shutter open for 30 seconds.  I then took a spot light with a red filter on it and painted the walls red with the light.  It was fun.  Then the cops came!  They saw this red light coming out of the tunnel and must have thought, "what the....".  They were cool about it.  I didn't use make it to so obvious I was there in my using days.  It was very easy to disappear up there.

Battery 129 Tunnel in the Marin Headlands - California

Right as I was selling the photo, "the devil" walked by the window.  He saw me and came in.  After my buyer left, he asked if he could borrow money.  I told him I was broke other than that $40, but I still loaned him $3.  It's not as if he never helped me.  

After "the devil" left, I met this beautiful woman from Thailand.  She began her conversation with me by asking me where I worked out?  Like my ego needed that!  She was very kind and said I inspired her.  She inspired me.  She's an architect and interior designer who graduated from Berkley, but she is interested in starting a booth at the farmers market and I told her I may be able to help her with that.  She is not available by the way - like all the beautiful women seem to not be that are in my life lately.  It's still nice to have them as friends.

I was feeling good until today.  Today has just been hard for some reason. Maybe it's because Susan moves soon.   I don't know.  I need it to be over.  The really hard part is yet to happen but it will be over soon.  It can't be harder than what we've gone through together in the past.  It can't. 

I told Mr Ed I wanted to live on a boat.  He said, "Why don't you buy a motor home and follow your ex-wife back to Cincinnati so you can stalk her some more.  You can park it outside of her house."  I love her, but I am over her.  It was never like that.  It may have been for someone else who use to be in this program.   I love Mr. Ed, but he has a strange sense of humor sometimes.

I am being told I'm defiant.  I was really trying to change my mood here. Writing can do that for me.  And it was.  I'm being told I'm going to get into trouble if I don't get off this computer.  I guess I better do something more productive like sit around in my head.   Maybe I should watch a movie or play peanuckle.    Perhaps I should stand out front and smoke.  I'm tired, frustrated, sad, depressed, lonely, confused, I feel broken.

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me, here anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

[x2]
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore