I Need A Miracle

(6/7/15)

"Never give up on anybody.  Miracles happen every day."

- Unknown

Remember how I wrote in my last blog, Cumberland Blues, that miracles are happening.  Remember how I said I would "get to that".  I got to one.  I wrote that my next blog that I hoped to write would be "I Need a Miracle".  Thankfully, I am clean today and I am starting to write it.  I hope to make it a shorter one.  I promise.  That promise goes to me too!  "Write the short version!"

(10/10/15)

The Warriors are down one game to Cleveland.  As hard as it is for me to love Cleveland, it means something to me.  My first Grateful Dead show.  Wharfrats.  Contrails.  Miracles.  Miracles? 

Oh yeah, I said Miracles were happening.  They are.  Roshambo celebrated 10 years clean last Sunday.  Recovering addicts in 12 step programs call recovery from addiction "A miracle".  Miracles are in my soul.  Art and Music is in my soul. 

Roshambo is a filmmaker who has been there for me in some hard times.  He understands.  Back in 2012, when I  became homeless after getting exited from Christian Chaos (a Christian Recovery Program), he and other recovery addicts took me in.  I couched surfed for a few months while I was clean. 

I was also taken in by my sponsor, Not Fade Away.  That Grateful Dead cover songs means so much to me and my family.  I even performed that song with my brothers band at The Grateful Gathering.  It fits like a glove.   Remember how I wrote that he recently moved to San Jose.  He lives right down the road from the 49ers new stadium.  Iron and paint.  Good!  Right?  No, write.  And, photograph!  We'll get to that.

In 2012 Roshambo helped me get back on my feet so I could be a street artist again.  I had three storage units in different parts of San Francisco.  He went with me every time I needed help moving one from another.  He helped me turn 3 into 2.  Then, we turned 2 into 1.  He helped me in so many ways.

I would eventually get my own place, coincidently enough, it was above The Garden of Eden.  The Garden of Eden is a strip club in North Beach.  I'm an addict.  I'm not really into strip clubs, but I'm sex addict.  Combine sex addiction with IV meth addiction and....  Women are...   beautiful.  My addiction has taken me....  Let's just say it's crossed my sexual preference in EVERY direction.  I'll get to that.  Perhaps a blog called Jane Says?  Morals?  No.  Preferences.  We see it that way.  I'm an addict.  I PREFER women.  This isn't about me.  Well, that's not completely true.   "I need a woman..."  Yeah, yeah.... I'm an addict.  But still - my soul.

Did I mention that Roshambo is gay?  He is a miracle!  "I need a miracle.... "  

Oh yeah, Roshambo, has been to my storage units times when I could not be there.  He went to my "Piss in the sink" hotel room I was renting and moved all of my belongings into a new store unit that Man Smart (Woman Smarter) rented for me.  Oh yeah, I was in the ICU - again.  I had attempted suicide.   Been there, done that.

My soul has told us all to Live Life.  That was at the end of the last blog, Cumberland Blues.  I have still used.  Darkness.  The blog I wrote about a song I wrote a few days before my dad died of his addiction disappeared.  It was called, Live.  Disappeared?   Wait.  Miracles are happening.  They happened.   They are happening.

Miracles?  Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be one.  Well, technically, I guess I am one.  That's what they called me. I survived a suicide attempt.  I broke nearly every bone in my body and lacerated plenty of internal organs....  Yeah, whatever.  It's over.  I've healed.   I can't be believed in.  Thanks to me.   I promise what I am writing is True.  Believe it or not, it's True.  It's my Truth.  God is The Truth and The Truth is God.  Yeah, yeah.  We understand it our way.  I'm searching.  I promise you, if your struggling with an addiction, get help.  It gets worse.  The Truth will be known.

Wait.  Miracles are happening.  I got another miracle!  I'm going to both shows in Santa Clara.  Eyes of the World and Ripple bought me another ticket!  We go way back!  All the way back to my high school days.  They are touring the west before the stay in San Francisco for 4 nights.  My brother and my sister bought me a ticket!  That's right, we are family. 

"That's right, the women are smarter....."  Wait a minute.  Oh yeah, remember how I said God aka The Universe backed this blog up to Man Smart (Woman Smarter)'s child, Althea.  Could the next blog be called Understanding Althea?  We'll see.

I am so glad that Man Smart(Woman Smarter) and her husband I'll call Train Song are coming out to see the 50th Anniversary of the Grateful Dead.    We Deadheads and Phish heads love jam bands, but we know The Grateful Dead and Phish are different.  They both started in very different places and ended up being very similar.  Phish heads don't like to be compared to Deadheads.  I understand, I've seen Phish a few times.  They are a great band.  I never really heard the lyrics the way I hear Grateful Dead lyrics.  Except for maybe the song Free.  Free is in my soul.  Been there, wrote that.  And, we'll get to that.  Oh yeah, I like Trey's song Cincinnati. 

You know the ironic part about Altheas parents?   Man Smart (Woman Smarter) is not a Phish fan.  In fact, she doesn't even like their music.  Train Song has never been to a Grateful Dead show.  She thinks he'll understand once he sees a show.  I mean Jerry won't be there, but his replacement is Trey Anastasio - the singer/guitar player for Phish.  It's a family thing!  Phish and The Grateful Dead are in our souls.   It means so much more to me.  Or should I say, US.

My soul is understanding.  I've still used.  "Treachery"  Yeah, yeah.  Been there done that.  It's a really huge deal!  "Treachery has been tearing me limb for limb."  Literally.  Staying clean can make me a miracle.  Oh yeah, miracles are happening.   One just did.

That miracle celebration meant so much to me.  I was hanging out with other recovery addicts.  They are all miracles!  God aka The Universe loves us.  I need to understand it - one day at a time.  Because, "I've got my hands on a miracle."  Future blog possibility? We'll get there.  Three miracles?  Wait.  More than three.  Althea is a miracle.   They've got their hands on a miracle.  The Universe is communicating!   LISTEN!  Voices!  And, of course, art and music.  It's in our souls!

Voices?  "What's wrong with my voice?"   Free?  Yes.  Free was at Alpine Valley for his first Grateful Dead show 1989.  I took him to his first Phish show in Louisville, Kentucky.  I wrote about these events before.  He reminded me that I took him to his first Phish show and he didn't look back.  Last time I saw Free, when he, coincidently enough, was in San Francisco.   I didn't even know Phish was in town.  They were playing at Bill Graham Auditorium.  Coincidentally, enough, I now live right next door the Bill Graham.  At the time, I was rehab at Wally World.  I had just gotten out of the hospital. I hadn't talked to him in years.  And, I somehow decided to call him - the day he got here!  My soul?  Yes.  No.  Our souls.

Some of us deadheads went to the Grateful Dead Family Reunion in, where else?  Alpine Valley.  It happened just before we moved to San Francisco.  Have I ever written about how we got to San Francisco?  It had a lot to do with Jerry Garcia's death.  I had planned to propose to Man Smart (Woman Smarter) at the top of The CN Tower in Toronto!  It was the tallest structure in the world!  Top of the World?  Close to the Universe?  Yes. 

We had mail order tickets to the Toronto Sky Dome.  It's always hard to here of someone dying, but I remember the day Susan called me about Jerry dying.  Somehow, we ended up in San Francisco.  We'll get to that.  It's a lot.  "What a long strange trip it's been."

Grateful?  We need to always be.  Even when we're Dead?  I'm alive.  Forever happens.  Live Life!  That's my soul.  That's The Universe!  Heaven.  I'm alive!  Quietly live.  Listen.  Right?  Or, is it Write?  Both.  Is anyone really following where this has been or where it can go?  Will go!  Will Go!  I'm HEARING.  I need to listen.  I need to listen to the voices in my head?  And,  I really need to listen to my soul.  Especially my soul!  I must. Voices.  Humphrey Bogart?  He's a voice in my head sometimes.  Mickey Hart? Space?  I'm no drummer.  Mickey Hart is.  He and Bill Kreutzmann are drummers for the Grateful Dead.  Every show, The Grateful Dead did a drum solo, called Space!  Oh yeah, The Universe.  

Where the hell am I?  I'm in Heaven.  It's my earthly heaven.  Why do I use in my earthly heaven?  I'm an addict.  Still, things are coming to an end.  The Universe is screaming for me to stop - just in time.   You know who's voice I'm not hearing?  My mothers.  Peace and quiet must happen for all.  Peace and quiet will happen for me.  "Althea told me upon scrutiny that my back might need protection."  That's my soul communicating.  The Universe is THAT amazing.  Trust.  Believe.  Listen.  Read.  Keep reading.

I was fortunate enough to help Roshambo  make two films.  I was the photographer for these documentary films.  One was about a musical event that occurs at 16th and Mission every Thursday night.  All of these artists get together to perform poetry, spoken word and music.  Art and Music are in my soul. That film is called Rock, Paper, Scissors (Roshambo). 

The most recent film is called Tom and Jerry At Last.  I've yet to see it, but I am looking forward to.  He is working on a screening at a theater that will likely include a showing of both films.   I wrote in the last blog that I was taking photos of a playground put in by Tom And Jerry at Mission Delores Park.  I was thinking how due to my using, many of my memories had been bad.  I thought to my self just before I crossed some light rail train tracks,  "If I will stay clean, my memories will be...." (I looked down and...)

The Universe communicates with me.

I'm very fortunate to have miracles in my life.  Good miracles are happening.  I need to always be Grateful.  I need to be Grateful to have Roshambo in my life.  And, of course, this blog has to end a with a Grateful Dead song.  I'm Grateful for my two miracles to see the shows in Santa Clara.  And, like I said, Roshambo is gay, but I sure love women.  And, coincidently enough, this Grateful dead song communicate two things I love - miracles and women!  "Too much of everything is just enough.  One more thing I just got to say.  I need a miracle every day!"

 

I need a woman 'bout twice my age
A lady of nobility, gentility and rage
Splendor in the dark, lightning on the draw
We'll go right through the book and break each and every law.

I got a feeling and it won't go away, oh no
Just one thing then I'll be OK
I need a miracle every day.

I need a woman 'bout twice my height
Statuesque, raven-dressed, a goddess of the night.
Her secret incantations, a candle burning blue
We'll consult the spirits maybe they'll know what to do.

And it's real and it won't go away, oh no
I can't get around and I can't run away
I need a miracle every day.

I need a woman 'bout twice my weight
A ton of fun who packs a gun with all her freight
Find her in a sideshow leave her in l.a.
Ride her like a surfer running on a tidal wave.

And it's real, believe what I say, yeah
Just one thing I got to say
I need a miracle every day.

It takes dynamite to get me up
Too much of everything is just enough
One more thing I just got to say
I need a miracle every day,
I need a miracle every day,
I need a miracle every day, (got to be the only way)
I need a miracle