Bring Me To Life

I hate being nothing to no one.  That is what I become every time I use.  In my last blog, I said I needed to Give to Live.  I have not stopped giving.  I have not given up this time like I did last time.  It means too much and I know that.  However, I do keep using and that can't continue!  

I also said in my last blog that by using I am killing myself.  Even when I am alive, when I use, it is as if I am not alive.  I begin to lose my soul.  I literally become nothing to no one.  I disappear and I am unreachable.  Those who know me notice this every time.

I try to live The Truth.  It's not as if I do not tell The Truth after the fact, but when I tell someone I will be somewhere it is important that I keep my word.  Saying I will be somewhere and then not is basically lying the way I see it. I mean what I say when I say it, I just end up changing my plans.  Basically, I choose to use and once I do that I can't do anything else.

It's important I be grateful that I am alive and have received so many blessings.  The other thing I do not do when I use is take care of myself.  It is so important I do certain things every day, many times a day or it could ultimately kill me.  It would definitely hurt my health which really isn't that great anyway.

I am alive.  When I use it is as if people can see into my eyes like open doors.  I know that God can and that should be enough, however, it seems more people can.  I know that using is not living.  I have to live.  I mean really live life.  If anyone is suppose to know that, it is me. 

So many have been so good to me.  I really am grateful for all that has been done, but it is important that I am always that way.  I can't keep using.  It means too much.

Unbelievably, I don't have a lot to say.  My head is just not really there.  I thought it was important that I say something.  It's more important I do something.  That something is STAY CLEAN. I haven't taken it too far yet.  It's dark, but not that dark.   Still, I need to find my soul.

 

 

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Now that I know what I’m without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

GIVE TO LIVE! (part II)

"Without great love (and I mean great love) and great suffering, where there is a major defeat, major humiliation, major shock to the ego self, very few people will grow into mature faith."

- Richard Rohr

It's so much easier to push instead of pull.  I try not to reuse songs for blogs but I have to this time.  I used this one November 6, 2012.  I knew I had to Give to Live.  I knew it!  I was planning on getting back into a recovery program so I could start giving back to this amazing Universe which had already given me so much.  I didn't do that.  I nearly died.  In fact, I tried to kill myself.  I was nearly successful. 

It still amazes me that I could have tried such a thing.  I like the way my doctor referred to it.  She referred to it not as a suicide attempt, but a methamphetamine induced psychotic reaction.   Either way, if I would have been successful, I would have been the one who killed myself.

That drug is pure evil.  I don't want to get into the details of where I ended up last time, but I cannot deny that continuing to use will eventually put me back in that same dark place.  Things were so bad, I was bringing on an end to the world!  Seriously.  I know I sound insane, because I was.  However, the world was going to end on April Fools Day.  There was going to be a meteor shower.  I was responsible.  When I finally woke up in the hospital and realized what I had been through and that I survived the insanity, the first thing I saw online was:

Meteorite - not the end of the world - strikes Russia's Siberia

A bus-sized meteor exploded over Russia's Ural Mountains, sparking speculation about everything from a missile attack to the end of the world. The shock waves smashed windows and damaged buildings.

By Fred Weir | Christian Science Monitor

To me it was simply proof that what I was dealing with was real.  Armageddon would not happen and even I was given another chance.  All's I tried to do was stop hurting everyone who loved me by killing myself.  The way I believed it, the end was near and I was heading to hell soon.  Why keep harming people in the parallel Universe with my insanity?  The Good would go to a Good place and the bad would go to a bad place.  I didn't give people much time to get things right.  That was so twisted for me to want to give my life to stop hurting my loved ones. In reality, my death would have hurt my loved ones.  I was so sick, yet I was given another chance at LIFE!

I knew I had to Give to Live.  I still know this.  I know that living is what matters.  Using is in so many ways killing myself - even if I am alive.  It hurts people when I disappear.

Now, so much more has been done for me by so many.  I always hoped that some day my writing may actually be the thing the helps others.  Millions of dollars were spent saving my life and getting me back on my feet and into a beautiful high rise apartment in downtown San Francisco.  This blessing is a dream come true. 

How could I ever use again.  I did.  I wrote God a letter basically understanding that my continuing to use would mean nothing Good for me.  I just wanted it to not hurt those who had helped me.  Ultimately, that is my responsibility.  I have to Give to Live.  I must. 

I was giving back to Laguna Honda Hospital until I relapsed.   I was in the process of writing the story of a Laguna Honda patient who's j0urney through that hospital was very similar to mine.  I photographed his progress and was planning to write about his journey.  He is an amazing artist.  He's a Good guy. 

I've been clean for eight days.  I start an outpatient program with Wally World tomorrow.   I want to give back to that program.  After Wally World, I am going to Laguna Honda Hospital to meet that amazing artist who I will call Found From The Fall.  I already know a lot about him, but I plan to interview him.  I have many photos of his journey and I will take more tomorrow.  He now volunteers at Laguna Honda.  He has really inspired me to get back on the path I was on.

Perhaps someday I will be a photo journalist.  If it is God's Will then that is what I want.  I have always wanted my writing to help God somehow.  Ultimately, helping others will help God.  I do know that.  I also understand that God does not care for the thing I become when I use.  I have to know that.  The devil didn't care for me either - go figure.  I need to move past all that and do the next right thing.  I need to do Good.

I thought that my story would be Good after my "end of the world" suicide attempt.  I hoped and I beleived that I would never use again.  That's not how the story went.  I can still never use again and make a difference in this Universe.  I must Give to Live.  I have been given so many chances and so many things by so many people - and God.  This has to matter somehow.  I don't want to be something big.  Especially something big and bad.  I do feel that I need to do something big for God and all of the wonderful people who have blessed me with so much.

It matters so much.  I don't want to make a huge deal about me, but my surviving so many times is a big deal - to me.  What so many have done for me is even a bigger deal for me.  It has to be.  I have to Give to Live.  I said this back on November 6, 2012 - before I did so much wrong that I was bringing and end to the world.  I didn't give anything Good.  I have to this time.  I must. 

That letter to God was serious.  Not using was what it was all about, but I have to admit that I meant using one more time would not be Good for me.  In many ways, it wasn't.  It caused me to miss many important medical appointments and not do Good for others.  Someone who has been so Good to me needed me and I wasn't available.  He lost business because of me.  That is not okay to do to someone who has been so good to me.  I have to always be available.

I called my brother last night for the first time since I was in Cincinnati.  It was great to talk to him.  He sounded fine.  In the middle of the night, he ended up in the hospital.  He had his appendix removed.  It must run in the family.  I had mine removed when I was 12.  It was a very painful experience.  I know it's not incredibly serious if they catch it and take it out, but what if it had been incredibly serious.  What if it did rupture.  I need always be available and ready for anything.  Always.

The experience that led to my methamphetamine induced psychotic reaction was so huge to me.  I know the end of the world thing was insane.  I was dealing with the devil.  To me, it may have seemed that's what would have happened had I ended up in hell.  How could I ever have used again?  How could I now?

On April 19th, 2013 while I was in the hospital I wrote something I called "Crazy Talk".  It went like this:

It worries me because I am in so much pain. Perhaps I will use again one day. Then, I will likely kill myself. It's not like I'm making some sort of cry out for help. Perhaps I am. The bottom line is, the day I start shooting up, my call's out for help will end. Based on the way things have gone for me in my addiction pattern means that since my last drug run was only 2 ½ months, my next one will be a lot shorter. The run before that was probably 1 ½ years. It landed me homeless and in a dark place. The one before that was probably a few years long. It landed me in the ICU and emergency room a few times.

I have called out for help.  I have a lot of it.  I start an outpatient program tomorrow with a program that already helped me.  I have psychiatrist and psychologist helping me from organizations that have already been there for me.  My head is pretty messed up from everything.  Still, I have to Give to Live.  I'm starting to do that again tomorrow.  I am writing that article about Found From The Fall.  He took a very similar journey as I did into, through and out of Laguna Honda.  I will also start taking photos for Laguna Honda tomorrow.  I have to Give to Live.  I am starting to again.

I hate to repeat Give to Live over and over, but it really does matter to me.  I'm not suicidal, but I know using could spell my death.  I want to live. Eventually, using will be nothing Good for me.  Taking care of myself is important.  Losing everything and ending up on the street is killing myself in so many ways.  Using is not living.  That's a fact.  Now that I have been giving and living for a few days, I feel alive!  Alive.  I am alive.  That is a miracle.  I am not a miracle - life is.  I need always be grateful for that.  It is so important to me. 

I have gotten many chances.  This is likely the biggest one yet.  I must Give to Live this time.  I must.

 

Ooh, I can see that you've got fire in your eyes
And the pain inside your heart
So many things have come and torn your world apart
Oh baby, baby, baby, don't give up, don't give up, don't give up

If you want love
If you want love you've got to give a little
If you want love
If you want faith you just believe a little
If you want love
If you want peace turn your cheek a little
Oh, you've got to give, you've got to give, you've got to give to live

An empty hand reaching out for someone
An empty heart takes so little to fill
It's so much easier to push instead of pull
Oh baby, baby, baby, don't give up, don't give up, don't give up

If you want love
If you want love you've got to give a little
If you want love
If you want faith you just believe a little
If you want love
If you want peace turn your cheek a little
Oh, you've got to give, you've got to give, you've got to give to live

Each man's a country in his own right
Oh, everybody needs a friend
One friend, one God, one country
No man need defend, yeah

I believe in fate and destination
But so much of that lies in our own hands
If you know what you want, just go on out and get it
Oh baby, baby, just don't give up, no no, oh don't give up, yeah yeah

If you want love
If you want love you've got to give a little
If you want love
If you want faith you just believe a little
If you want love
If you want peace turn your cheek a little
Oh if you want love, you've got to give

If you want love
Oh give to live
If you want love
You've got to give, you've got to give
You've got to give to live
If you want love
If you want love
Oh oh
If you want love
Oh oh
If you want love
Oh oh

 

Come A Little Closer

“First, come to the point where you realize you are alone, completely and utterly alone in the vastness of the universe and all of time.  Then realize you are not alone. Look back on your life and see the people who stood by you. There were some. Realize the God of your understanding cares.”
 
― Christopher Hawke

So many have been there for me over the years.  I know God has been there for me over the years.  Now that I live alone, I must always remember, I am not alone.  It is SO important that I stay with God.  It means SO much.  I wrote a letter to God a couple of days ago.  It began, " I am writing to you God. This does not need to be blogged...."  Obviously, I'll leave it at that.  Well, I will say that I basically said that I understand that my continuing to use would not be a Good thing for me.  I just asked that if I failed it would not hurt the many who have cared about me.  I do understand that ultimately, my success would not allow hurt to occur, but I have not done too Good in the past when I have had so many reasons to never use again.  I had to pray that I take ALL the hurt if I fail.  I know that in some ways that is not possible, but I guess I was speaking of the afterlife.  My head is complicated.

This blog is suppose to help others.  It's about me, but it's really suppose to be about God.  That letter I wrote was very serious.  It is very important I keep God in my life.  If I were to fail, I hope that what people get out of it is a reason to believe in God - not me.  When I use, I am not a Good person.  I am sexual freak who disappears from everyone who cares about me.  This is not okay.  So many have been there for me and done so much for me.  Millions of dollars were spent saving my life and getting me back to as Good of health as possible.  My life has been saved more than once.  One of my lifelong dreams came true when I was placed on the 26th floor of a high rise in downtown San Francisco.  It is so important I remain grateful for all of these blessings.  Not doing so will and should spell nothing Good for me.


When I keep God in my life, God gives me beautiful signs.  God gives me a different beautiful sunset every night.

The first night I was really trying to stay in tune with God just a couple of nights ago, the light kept changing out my window every time I thought of God.  It was so coincidentally captivating.

Saturday, I finally got to help out a friend who has done so much for me over the years.  He is just one of many, but he has done a lot for me.  My help to him is actually a Good thing for me too.  He is making a film and I am The Director of Photography.  That is so cool for me.  I have to be clean in able to help him though.  I took some stills for the film back in June of 2013, just after I got out of the wheelchair.  I took some more on Saturday.

On my way over, I was conversing with God in my head.  I was thinking how important it was that I find a way to stay clean.  As I looked down, I was reminded of something I have actually been considering - Jesus.  I feel ridiculous saying it, but I think Jesus may matter for me.  I believe I will never be able to make amends for everything I've done.  When I was homeless, I found a Quran and read it.  It scared me.  I'm not saying it doesn't work for many.  It does.  In fact, I never really liked the way Christianity believed it was the only way, but it may be the only way for me.  Perhaps the Son of God did die for my sins.  I have committed many. 

What is most important is that I be a Good person in this life.  I hope that I can somehow do that.  Being "saved" will not by itself help me stay clean, but it couldn't hurt.  I did grow up in a Christian home.  In fact, when I think of my mother, I remember two things incredibly clearly.  The day I found her dying and how when I was young she used to pour the communion in those little glasses at the church we attended.  I assume that has to mean something.  I want to do what is best for me and all of those who care about me.  I'm not trying to tell others what to do.  I don't believe that believing hurts anyone though.  Believing in the God of ones understanding that is.

It says "MEDUGORGE".  I think it basically means "Mother Mary".  To me, it basically meant Jesus.

 

I don't want to be some holy roller, but I cannot deny that the first person I remember seeing when I woke up at the hospital last year was my pastor.  He's a great guy.  He gave me an iPod that was full of Foo Fighter and Pink Floyd songs.  He knows me too well.  I saw him yesterday and he was so glad to see me.  He gave me a big hug.  I told him I relapsed.  He said my faith was very important right now.  I told him I was considering being baptized.  I also told him I wrote a letter to God that was not to be blogged.  He thought it was Good that I was not going to blog it.  He has always thought I needed to be more private.  Many do.

My head is not right lately.  I'm very confused.  I don't feel like this blog is making a lot of sense.  I know what I know, but I'm having trouble writing about it.  With that said, I'll stop writing - for now.  I want to continue blogging and I want it to matter to whoever reads it.  I always want it to be something Good.  After all, so many have been so Good to me.

Time shakes, found you at the water

At first you were my father, now I love you like a brother

Earthquakes shake the dust behind you 

This world at times will blind you

Still I know I'll see you there

Come a little closer, then you'll see

Come on, come on, come on

Things aren't always what they seem to be

Come on, come on, come on

Do you understand the things that you would see here

Come on, come on, come on

Do you understand the things that you've been dreaming

Come a little closer, then you'll see

Heartbreaks, the heavy world's upon your shoulders

Will we burn or we just smolder

Somehow I know I'll find you there

Oooh, I wanna see if you can change it, change it

Still I know I'll see you there

Come a little closer, then you'll see

Come on, come on, come on

Things aren't always what they seem to be

Come on, come on, come on

Do you understand the things that you would see here

Come on, come on, come on

Do you understand the things that you've been dreaming

Come a little closer, then you'll see

Come a little closer, then you'll see

Ten thousand people stand alone now

And in the evening the sun sets

Tomorrow it will rise

Time flies by, they all sang along

Time flies by, they all sang along

Time flies by, they all sang along

Time flies - bye, bye

Come a little closer, then you'll see

Come on, come on, come on

Come a little closer, then you'll see

Come a little closer, then you'll see

Come a little closer, then you'll see

Home



 

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.”

   

- Carlos Castaneda

There is so much Truth to that quote.  I work awfully hard to be very miserable.  The work I do to be very happy is so much more rewarding.  I don't have to work that hard either.  I don't understand myself.  I am an incredibly sick minded person - that is for sure.



 This is the view from the north facing side of my building.  This is from the fitness center balcony on the 14th floor.

I can finally add photos to my blog again.  I'm not sure why, because I have not been behaving.  Every time I shoot that evil drug, I watch porn on my computer and gets it my computer all out of whack.   Have I mentioned what a sick minded person I am?  I am SO sick.  Even I don't understand me.  I just don't.  How could I have SO much to lose and still risk it just to be a sick freak?

I love my new home.  It's so important I keep it.  I am doing what I need to do to do so.  I am doing everything I am suppose to as far as my recovery goes - now.  I have actually been able to turn my new place into my home!  Let's see if I can put a photo of how far I have come since I have stayed clean.



HOME

God has been so good to me.  God works through so many people.  I actually feel like I take God's love for granted.  Or, I take advantage of it.  Ultimately, if I continue to do so, I will lose.  I don't even blame the devil for my wrong doings.  How could I?  I actually feel sorry for him.  He spent a little time in my head recently.  He's not ALL wrong.  Don't worry, I was nowhere near suicidal.  I never really was.  I did try to kill myself I guess.  That I cannot deny.  It's a long story how I got to that point, but I am nowhere near there now.  How insane do I sound?  How insane am I?  I'm not.  That's the scary part.

This is all so new to me.  I am on my own with my own place.  I am FREE.  With freedom comes reasonability.  This I know.   I really want to make this place my home.  It means so much.  My demons do fill me with fear.   It's important I choose to live in faith not fear.  It's just that I have already allowed my demons to enter my beautiful new home.  I've already been lost here.  It's hard for me to understand.  I do know I love that euphoric lustful rush I get when I shoot that evil drug.  I can't even think about it.  It will lead me down the wrong road. 

I know I am not alone here.  That's for sure.  These voices in my head have not left me alone since I used.  Actually, writing helps quiet them some.  Doing Good things always does.  This blog is supposed to be Good.  So many of you mean so much to me.  So many people in so many places mean so much to me.  God means so much to me.  And still, I make horrible decisions.  Decisions that ultimately lead me to hell.

It's important I be responsible and behave myself.  I must make my appointments.  I always do when I am clean.  Somehow, I tricked myself into believing that I could shoot up and go to my important appointments.  RIGHT!  What was I thinking.  I become an isolated freak.

Today, I have my blinds open and my door to my patio open.  It has been 65 to 70 degrees and sunny every day since I've been back home.  It's important I stay clean so I can take full advantage of this beautiful city.  I can ride my bike to all of my important appointments.  It beats my barricading myself into this beautiful apartment with the shades and patio door closed.  When I am clean and behaving, I also know I am not alone.  God is always with me.  I have so much about that fact which I need to somehow make since about for anyone and everyone, but I am struggling to make since of it myself.  Just keep a Good Orderly Direction is all I know how to advise everyone to do.  Now, if only I could.

 

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo. Oo-oo-oo-oo [x2]
Aaa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa. Aa-aa-aa-aaaaaa [x4]

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo. Ao-oo-oo-oo [x4]
Aaa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa. Aa-aa-aa-aaaaaa [x4]

Not Fade Away

"My love is bigger than a Cadillac!"

-Buddy Holly

I love so many people in this beautiful old city I from.  It has been so good to be here.  It really has.  I really do wish I wouldn't have used before I came home, but I can't change that.  In many way, my using made this trip mean so much more than it would have.  Being here helped me stay clean.   Using made me miserable and I knew I couldn't continue to do so, but sometimes, that doesn't stop me.  After being here a while, it became what it was supposed to be - a beautifully amazing experience that I am completely grateful for.

I do look forward to getting back to San Francisco and turning my new high rise apartment into my home.  The two weeks I spent in it, I was a tweaked out mess or I was so depressed and afraid I would lose my dream come true.  Currently, it has a bed on the floor and a bunch of unpacked boxes in it.  It looks just as it did the day the movers dropped everything off - except it was cleaner. 

Now, I get to go home and unpack.  I get home late Thursday night.  Friday morning, my social worker comes over at 9:00 A.M.   She really is an angel.  After that, I have to go to General Hospital to pick up prescriptions and other much needed medical supplies to care for my damaged body.  Then, at 1:00 P.M. I meet with my G.A .worker.  G.A. is basically welfare.  Thankfully, all of that is working out.  It's a long story but things weren't working out for me before I came home.   Half of my $422.00  G.A. cash payment pays my rent.  I also get $200.00 in food stamps.  Being Social Security pending, I'm not supposed to work. I'm not sure I even could.  That's...another whole story.  More than that, I need to move on.  All of that would have been so complicated without my insane mind hearing harsh negative voices that show up when I am coming down from shooting meth.  Basically, I made a mess messier.  Move on!

Saturday, a few of my good friends from Wally World are coming over to my new place.  My one friend said that he has some posters for me.  Knowing him, they are probably of women's butts.  Don't get me wrong, I love women's butts, but not on the walls of my home. That would just make me want to shoot up again.  Later Saturday, me and my Wally World friends will go to band practice with The Alanos.  I really look forward to playing with my band again.  It's been six or seven weeks!

Sunday I'm going to church and  then to my sponsors home.  Monday I have physical therapy.  Tuesday I meet with my psychiatrist.  Wednesday, I go to the dentist.  I have a lot to keep me busy back in San Francisco.  I really look forward to unpacking and seeing all of my recovery friends!

I look forward to getting home to these things but I will miss everyone here.  I have had a great time on my visit home.  I love all of my family and friends.  I got to go up and visit my brother in Indiana a few weeks ago.  I also went down to the hills of Kentucky and visited all of my hillbilly family members down there.  Every time  I go there, I meet a new cousin.  This time was no exception.  I think my little brothers and my favorite part was meeting Buck.  Buck is my hillbilly uncle's horse.  I love that horse.  Buck loves me.  He loves giving kisses.  He loves my camera too.  He loved putting his head over my shoulder to allow me to take our photo together.

What is really frustrating is the fact that I am unable to attach photos to my blogs.  It has been that way every since I shot crystal meth.  I assume it has something to do with that because sometimes I like to watch internet porn and do other twisted sexual things on this computer when I shoot speed.  I'm not sure that doing that is where the problem arose, but I wouldn't doubt it.  I'm sorry if I give too much information, but it is simply The Truth.  If I live a Truth that is not a big deal to share then things are much easier for me to write about.  I'm not proud of the person I become when I shoot speed.  And, trust me, I am not telling the detailed Truth.  Just enough.  Enough.

I love so many people here.  And, somehow, they all seem to love twisted me.  They do because they know who I really am.   That Universe I love so much sure threw some bad weather my way for The Grateful Gathering.  Not everything is about me!  I know that.  It's just what happens in Cincinnati sometimes.  I will say one thing, the people who did show up really mean a lot to me - even before they showed up.  It was pretty much the old crowd that one might have found on Klotter Avenue when I lived in Cincinnati 12 years ago.   Many were not there, including some of Klotter's residents themselves, but the roads really were THAT BAD!

I had to be there.  It wasn't too far for me.  Some of my best friends came from the West Side!  Two of my amazing cousins came from pretty far away too!  I know one lives on the west side.  I had not seen them in 20 years!  Literally.  However, it was as if we had not missed a beat. 

That night at Bocca Live really was a good time.  I think the coolest part was my getting to jam with The Barking Squirrels which is my little brothers band.  We did two of my songs and one cover.  The first one of my mine we did I wrote a few days before my dad died in 2006.  I wrote it out at Ocean Beach where I had been spending so many nights shooting speed.  The time I wrote it however, instead of taking drugs, I took my guitar and lyrically wondered, "Why we killing ourselves?"  That song is called Live.  My brothers band really jammed that one.

Next, we did the infamous, Tequila and Trains. It's a long story, but the lyrics are true.  The lyrics are true in all of my songs.  Basically, years ago, I drank all day and then did a bunch of mushrooms before an Allman Brothers concert at The Beacon Theater in Harlem.   Afterwards, we went to New York's financial district.  I did 13 shots of tequila.  To get back to Hoboken, New Jersey, where our friend lived, we had to catch a subway train at The World Trade Center.  In a drunken stupor, I fell into the subway tracks.  I landed in a huge and nasty puddle of grease.  Thankfully, my friends pulled me out before the subway train came.

A couple years later, I drank a fifth of Monte Alban and ate the worm while at my hillbilly uncles house in Burnside, Kentucky.  There are some seriously busy railroad tracks nearby.  I wish I could post the photos I took a couple of days ago, but once again, I can't.  We went out on this huge railroad trestle that crosses Lake Cumberland.  I stood  up on the railing 300 feet above the lake, raised my arms into the air and yelled like a maniac.  After walking across the top of the long bridge, we climbed down to the cat walk and walked back.  Trains would then pass on the busy tracks just overhead, shaking that cat walk back and forth like crazy.  We hoot and hollered and loved it.  After that, we climbed up and were walking through a narrow railroad passage and something happened.  I think I was too close to the train and it scalped me.  All I knew was, "My heads bleeding."  One of my friends ran back to my uncles and woke Susan.  She rushed me to the hospital and I got 30 stiches in my head.  Talk about a having a headache!  I quit drinking tequila after that.  Using has brought me close to death too many times.  That was probably the first really close call.  I think I was 28.

The third and last song I played with The Barking Squirrels was a cover.  It was Not Fade Away by Buddy Holly.  It was a originally preformed by Buddy Holly, but was made famous to me by The Grateful Dead.  I remember the first time I heard it live.  I was at The Richfield Coliseum outside of Cleveland.  The Grateful Dead played it as there last song of the second set.  They ended the song as its usual end, "You know our love will not fade away.  You know our love will not fade away...."  The crowd, as usual, joined in.  Eventually, The Dead stopped singing, put down their instruments and left the stage.  The crowd continued singing, "You know our love will not fade away.  You know our love will not fade away...."  After a while, the band came back and joined back in and then finised the song.  They then played an encore song.  I called it the Grateful Gathering for a couple reasons.  One, I was grateful to so many for so much.  Two, I love The Grateful Dead.  That song was my little brothers idea.  We were going to do more, but his band and I only had time to practice twice.  Each time we practiced each song once or twice.

I am so grateful to be home.  It had been 3 years since I have been here.  So many of you mean so much to me.  I knew that, but now I really know that.  I really want to be someone that matters to my little brothers.  I want to be that to all of my family and friends.  So many of you mean so much to0 me.  I mean that.  You know our love will not fade away!

(I normally put a video on this page, but wasn't sure how to do that with the video my cousin made with her smartphone and shared on Facebook.  The link below simply gets you to OUR version on Facebook.  Once you get to the video, you must push play.  If you weren't there, I hope you enjoy. I know we did!)

 

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10202326973570134&set=vb.1665701402&type=2&theater

Carry On My Wayward Son

"Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal."
 
These are the words inscribed on the back of both of my parents tombstones which sit side by side.  They were both amazing people, however, both did their fare share of apologizing.  I remember my dad always apologizing to me for not being the father he wished he were to me.  I always told him he didn't need to apologize to me that he was a good dad.  He was.  For years I apologized to Susan for not being the husband I should have been.  I still do sometimes.  She always tells me  I'm a good person and to stop apologizing.  If anyone should understand the way she feels, it's me.
 
My dad would have been 65 today.  I just left he and my mothers gravestones.  I am grateful to be in Cincinnati and to be alive.  I am alive.  That is amazing.  My parents both struggled with addiction.  I believe that if both would have stopped using, they would have lived longer lives.  Over the years, I have believed that I was partly responsible for both of there deaths.  I don't want to tell the details and I know that is not really the case, yet while I was at their gravestones, I spent most of the time apologizing to them.  Not only for not being more to them when they needed me, but also for what I ultimately became.
 
I never blame them for anything.  I guess I shouldn't blame myself either.  Still, I am responsible for my recovery.  Things are what they are.  I am very grateful to be spending time with my brothers and my stepmother.  My dad always asked me to stick with my stepmother and two younger adopted brothers if something ever happened to him.  I have - when I am clean.  The person I become when I am using is nothing to be proud of.   I disappear.  The person I am when I am not using is a much better person who sees my adopted little brothers as brothers and my stepmother as a mother.  That is what they are.  We ARE family.
 
People hear my story and constantly tell me "You're a miracle." and "You're here for a reason."  I'm nothing special, but it is all of those amazing words of encouragement that make me want to make a difference somehow.  After all, that's what this blog is about.  What I really want to be is something special to all of those who have done so much for me.  I want to be a great family member to all of my relatives.  I haven't always been.  Actually, I'd be happy to be something to anyone or everyone!
 
It has been three years since I have been to my parents graves.  So much has changed since I last visited that sight.  I was pretty emotional tonight.  I heard voices in my head telling me that my parents will always love me and care about me.  I can't see how anyone could care about the person I become when I use.  It's sick.  Still, the voices told me that my parents do love me and want me to move on with my life. 
 
I do have so much to be grateful for.  My parents were Good, loving people.  I really have no idea how it all works, but I know there is something.  I also believe that if I remain a Good person, I may even get to somehow be with my parents again some day - in a Good way.  I would be so grateful for that.  For now, I am grateful to be alive. 
 
So often the Universe finds ways to communicate a message to me.  Music touches my soul in so many ways.  It finds ways to communicate with me so often.  Right after visiting my parents graves, I got into my little brothers car I have been driving and Carry On My Wayward Son came on the radio as soon as I started it up.  Again, I don't know how it all works, but I know there is no such thing as coincidence.  Or, as Albert Einstein put it, "Coincidence is Gods way of staying anonymous."
 

 

 

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say  

 

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say 
 

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life's no longer empty
But surely heaven waits for you

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry (don't you cry no more)

Happy XMas (War is Over)

"This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone."

-Taylor Caldwell

I know this to be True.  With that said, I hope and pray my war is over.  Battling my addiction has been nothing but a war.  I have lost many battles, but the final outcome will ultimately decide the war.  I won a recent one.  I actually managed to stop using so I could come home for the holidays.  I am so grateful to be here.

I have already seen so many people that I have not seen for years.  I even got to go to a Bengals game.  It was a great game.  They beat the Vikings 42 to 14 and would end up winning the AFC North after Baltimore lost later that day.  Next Sunday, I'll get to go watch them beat Baltimore.  I hope.  I believe! 

Overall it was a great weekend.  My youngest brother was with me.  We spent the weekend visiting my oldest brother and his family up in Richmond, Indiana.  We went through a Christmas lights show in a Civil War cemetery.  We shopped at an Amish grocery store.  We also visited the towns museum that my brothers wife works.  I enjoyed the rural atmosphere.  Actually, Richmond itself is a little city.  It was very prominent in its early 1900's hay day.  Much of this area was.
 
Well, I was just trying to upload some photos onto this blog but could not.  I've been having trouble uploading photos anywhere online from this laptop.  I can possibly blame my relapse.  After shooting crystal meth, I like to watch internet porn.  It's usually doing things like that which allow bad things to attach to computers. 

Did I mention what a war I'm in.  I know it sounds ridiculous to call shooting speed and watching internet porn a war, but for me it really is.  Or, I should say, it always becomes one. When the devil becomes involved, it's more than a war.  For me it is eternity verses "never ending".
 
I don't really want to go there with this blog.  It was suppose to be a good thing.  It's was always suppose to become that.  It still is.  I have to win this war of mine.  If it matters to one other person besides me then I've truly won.  I know it matters to others, but if somehow, someone makes better, more Godly choices, then the war has been won.  Please trust my insanity.  I believe it is in too may ways, reality.
 
Where was I?  We went to the Game.  I got some great photos of the game and of people tailgating and of downtown Cincinnati.  It's a beautiful old city.  I do love it.  The politics are hard for me, but over all things are heading in the right direction.  The streetcar that Cincinnati's idiot mayor tried to derail is back on track.  Ohio's idiot Governor had already hurt it by cutting half of its budget.  This derailed it's uptown route that I believe is integral to it's ultimate success.  At least it's getting built. 

Another great thing occurred.  A Cincinnati Federal judged ruled that Ohio's ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional.  It focuses more on death certificate status, but it reaches into the actual ban itself.  I'm not good at reciting what I read, but it's good.  Some of the most amazing people I know in San Francisco are men married to men.  I mean that.  They deserve every right all of us have when it comes to marriage.

How'd I go there?  Actually, I used to be very political before I got so lost in my addiction.  Before I started fighting my war.  I don't think I'll be as political, but when it comes to human beings rights to be the loving human beings they are, I can't help it.  I truly believe God backs me on this one.  Actually, God is to people what God is to people.  I believe as long as we are Good, that's what matters most to God.  I have gay friends who are the most Godly people I know.  I promise you that. 

It's so good to be home for Christmas.  I love my family.  I really do.  I love my friends.  I really do.  I was so depressed on the plane ride here.  I've pretty much overcome that - thanks to all of these amazing, kind and loving people in this beautiful city of Cincinnati and Richmond.  The politicians have a right to be who they are too.  Their level of success makes them pretty good people.  I can't help but to care about everyone in some way. 

I'm trying to organize a gathering somewhere.  I really would like to see so many.  I would also like to thank so many who put together and attended my fundraiser back in February.  It really blew me away that so many people cared so much about someone like me.  Actually, it still does.  I have already seen a few of my amazing friends.  I want to see them all.

Ironically, it will likely be at a bar.  It seems to be the only type of place that is big enough to gather so many I want to see.  I'm trying to work out the details now.  I'd like to state that I am an alcoholic who really doesn't want to drink.  I have absolutely no desire to.  I haven't drank in 10 years.  Alcohol was the gateway drug to just about all other drugs I have used.  It turned me into a garbage can for drugs.  However, once I got to the lust of my life, IV crystal meth, I was cured of all my addictions - including alcohol.  The problem with that cure is it is worse than all other drugs I used combined - for me.

I had a really sweet friend who was one of the many to assist in the fundraiser post something about my being here and a gathering.  She personally asked me if a bar would be bad thing and I basically told her what you just read.  She ended up taking down the Facebook posting because people were questioning her about having it at a bar - for me.  I appreciated everything she did for me.  I always have.  I appreciate everyone's concern too.  I do understand.  Actually, I worry more about my alcoholic friends getting drunk than me!  Now I'm confused.  It has to be somewhere!  If alcohol is a problem for you, come visit me at my families house.  Please.  Okay.

I do look forward to seeing so many.  I look forward to going to the next and last Bengals game with my other two brothers and an old friend in town from Washington DC.  It's been years since I've seen him.  It's been 3 years since I have been home.  I can pretty much guarantee this Christmas will be better than my last two.

A couple years ago, I spent today, Christmas Eve, panhandling as much money as I could so I could do a huge hit so it would seem Christmas never happened.  Being Christmas Eve, people were very generous.  I then went out to my private beach cove by the Golden Gate Bridge and pretty much accomplished my goal.  It was so sick.  It is the lust of my life though. 

Last year was even worse.  In some ways, the day itself, was actually better.  I do love how I feel when I shoot that evil drug. That's just the truth.  The better part was not how I felt, but what I did.  I attended a recovery meeting.  Everyone there let me know how I have been driving them insane for so many years because they can hear my insane voice and all the other voices in their head every time I use.  Over the years, I have used a lot. 

I hate to say it, but I'd rather have the euphoric high by The Golden Gate Bridge than deal with the insanity that ALWAYS follows.  That's my problem.  What I must know is it will always lead me to the voices and basically, hell on earth.  It's so real to me.  I think in some ways, it's real to everyone - somewhere, somehow.  I just hope it's not actually real in this Universe.  Wow.  That would be so.  I'm sorry if so.  Wow.  This Universe is so complicated.  I am certain of this. 

I'll be spending Christmas with my family.  I will soon see all of the people who really do mean so much to me - still.  It's so important I be grateful for all I have.  I need to love my loved ones. 

Thank you for helping me win my last battle.  Thank you everyone.  Thank you God.  I hope and pray my War is Over.  Happy XMas.

 

So this is Xmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Xmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Xmas (war is over)
For weak and for strong (if you want it)
For rich and the poor ones (war is over)
The world is so wrong (if you want it)
And so happy Xmas (war is over)
For black and for white (if you want it)
For yellow and red ones (war is over)
Let's stop all the fight (now)

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Xmas (war is over)
And what have we done (if you want it)
Another year over (war is over)
A new one just begun (if you want it)
And so happy Xmas (war is over)
We hope you have fun (if you want it)
The near and the dear one (war is over)
The old and the young (now)

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

War is over, if you want it
War is over now

Happy Xmas