Carry On My Wayward Son

"Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal."
 
These are the words inscribed on the back of both of my parents tombstones which sit side by side.  They were both amazing people, however, both did their fare share of apologizing.  I remember my dad always apologizing to me for not being the father he wished he were to me.  I always told him he didn't need to apologize to me that he was a good dad.  He was.  For years I apologized to Susan for not being the husband I should have been.  I still do sometimes.  She always tells me  I'm a good person and to stop apologizing.  If anyone should understand the way she feels, it's me.
 
My dad would have been 65 today.  I just left he and my mothers gravestones.  I am grateful to be in Cincinnati and to be alive.  I am alive.  That is amazing.  My parents both struggled with addiction.  I believe that if both would have stopped using, they would have lived longer lives.  Over the years, I have believed that I was partly responsible for both of there deaths.  I don't want to tell the details and I know that is not really the case, yet while I was at their gravestones, I spent most of the time apologizing to them.  Not only for not being more to them when they needed me, but also for what I ultimately became.
 
I never blame them for anything.  I guess I shouldn't blame myself either.  Still, I am responsible for my recovery.  Things are what they are.  I am very grateful to be spending time with my brothers and my stepmother.  My dad always asked me to stick with my stepmother and two younger adopted brothers if something ever happened to him.  I have - when I am clean.  The person I become when I am using is nothing to be proud of.   I disappear.  The person I am when I am not using is a much better person who sees my adopted little brothers as brothers and my stepmother as a mother.  That is what they are.  We ARE family.
 
People hear my story and constantly tell me "You're a miracle." and "You're here for a reason."  I'm nothing special, but it is all of those amazing words of encouragement that make me want to make a difference somehow.  After all, that's what this blog is about.  What I really want to be is something special to all of those who have done so much for me.  I want to be a great family member to all of my relatives.  I haven't always been.  Actually, I'd be happy to be something to anyone or everyone!
 
It has been three years since I have been to my parents graves.  So much has changed since I last visited that sight.  I was pretty emotional tonight.  I heard voices in my head telling me that my parents will always love me and care about me.  I can't see how anyone could care about the person I become when I use.  It's sick.  Still, the voices told me that my parents do love me and want me to move on with my life. 
 
I do have so much to be grateful for.  My parents were Good, loving people.  I really have no idea how it all works, but I know there is something.  I also believe that if I remain a Good person, I may even get to somehow be with my parents again some day - in a Good way.  I would be so grateful for that.  For now, I am grateful to be alive. 
 
So often the Universe finds ways to communicate a message to me.  Music touches my soul in so many ways.  It finds ways to communicate with me so often.  Right after visiting my parents graves, I got into my little brothers car I have been driving and Carry On My Wayward Son came on the radio as soon as I started it up.  Again, I don't know how it all works, but I know there is no such thing as coincidence.  Or, as Albert Einstein put it, "Coincidence is Gods way of staying anonymous."
 

 

 

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say  

 

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say 
 

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life's no longer empty
But surely heaven waits for you

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry (don't you cry no more)