Happy XMas (War is Over)

"This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone."

-Taylor Caldwell

I know this to be True.  With that said, I hope and pray my war is over.  Battling my addiction has been nothing but a war.  I have lost many battles, but the final outcome will ultimately decide the war.  I won a recent one.  I actually managed to stop using so I could come home for the holidays.  I am so grateful to be here.

I have already seen so many people that I have not seen for years.  I even got to go to a Bengals game.  It was a great game.  They beat the Vikings 42 to 14 and would end up winning the AFC North after Baltimore lost later that day.  Next Sunday, I'll get to go watch them beat Baltimore.  I hope.  I believe! 

Overall it was a great weekend.  My youngest brother was with me.  We spent the weekend visiting my oldest brother and his family up in Richmond, Indiana.  We went through a Christmas lights show in a Civil War cemetery.  We shopped at an Amish grocery store.  We also visited the towns museum that my brothers wife works.  I enjoyed the rural atmosphere.  Actually, Richmond itself is a little city.  It was very prominent in its early 1900's hay day.  Much of this area was.
 
Well, I was just trying to upload some photos onto this blog but could not.  I've been having trouble uploading photos anywhere online from this laptop.  I can possibly blame my relapse.  After shooting crystal meth, I like to watch internet porn.  It's usually doing things like that which allow bad things to attach to computers. 

Did I mention what a war I'm in.  I know it sounds ridiculous to call shooting speed and watching internet porn a war, but for me it really is.  Or, I should say, it always becomes one. When the devil becomes involved, it's more than a war.  For me it is eternity verses "never ending".
 
I don't really want to go there with this blog.  It was suppose to be a good thing.  It's was always suppose to become that.  It still is.  I have to win this war of mine.  If it matters to one other person besides me then I've truly won.  I know it matters to others, but if somehow, someone makes better, more Godly choices, then the war has been won.  Please trust my insanity.  I believe it is in too may ways, reality.
 
Where was I?  We went to the Game.  I got some great photos of the game and of people tailgating and of downtown Cincinnati.  It's a beautiful old city.  I do love it.  The politics are hard for me, but over all things are heading in the right direction.  The streetcar that Cincinnati's idiot mayor tried to derail is back on track.  Ohio's idiot Governor had already hurt it by cutting half of its budget.  This derailed it's uptown route that I believe is integral to it's ultimate success.  At least it's getting built. 

Another great thing occurred.  A Cincinnati Federal judged ruled that Ohio's ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional.  It focuses more on death certificate status, but it reaches into the actual ban itself.  I'm not good at reciting what I read, but it's good.  Some of the most amazing people I know in San Francisco are men married to men.  I mean that.  They deserve every right all of us have when it comes to marriage.

How'd I go there?  Actually, I used to be very political before I got so lost in my addiction.  Before I started fighting my war.  I don't think I'll be as political, but when it comes to human beings rights to be the loving human beings they are, I can't help it.  I truly believe God backs me on this one.  Actually, God is to people what God is to people.  I believe as long as we are Good, that's what matters most to God.  I have gay friends who are the most Godly people I know.  I promise you that. 

It's so good to be home for Christmas.  I love my family.  I really do.  I love my friends.  I really do.  I was so depressed on the plane ride here.  I've pretty much overcome that - thanks to all of these amazing, kind and loving people in this beautiful city of Cincinnati and Richmond.  The politicians have a right to be who they are too.  Their level of success makes them pretty good people.  I can't help but to care about everyone in some way. 

I'm trying to organize a gathering somewhere.  I really would like to see so many.  I would also like to thank so many who put together and attended my fundraiser back in February.  It really blew me away that so many people cared so much about someone like me.  Actually, it still does.  I have already seen a few of my amazing friends.  I want to see them all.

Ironically, it will likely be at a bar.  It seems to be the only type of place that is big enough to gather so many I want to see.  I'm trying to work out the details now.  I'd like to state that I am an alcoholic who really doesn't want to drink.  I have absolutely no desire to.  I haven't drank in 10 years.  Alcohol was the gateway drug to just about all other drugs I have used.  It turned me into a garbage can for drugs.  However, once I got to the lust of my life, IV crystal meth, I was cured of all my addictions - including alcohol.  The problem with that cure is it is worse than all other drugs I used combined - for me.

I had a really sweet friend who was one of the many to assist in the fundraiser post something about my being here and a gathering.  She personally asked me if a bar would be bad thing and I basically told her what you just read.  She ended up taking down the Facebook posting because people were questioning her about having it at a bar - for me.  I appreciated everything she did for me.  I always have.  I appreciate everyone's concern too.  I do understand.  Actually, I worry more about my alcoholic friends getting drunk than me!  Now I'm confused.  It has to be somewhere!  If alcohol is a problem for you, come visit me at my families house.  Please.  Okay.

I do look forward to seeing so many.  I look forward to going to the next and last Bengals game with my other two brothers and an old friend in town from Washington DC.  It's been years since I've seen him.  It's been 3 years since I have been home.  I can pretty much guarantee this Christmas will be better than my last two.

A couple years ago, I spent today, Christmas Eve, panhandling as much money as I could so I could do a huge hit so it would seem Christmas never happened.  Being Christmas Eve, people were very generous.  I then went out to my private beach cove by the Golden Gate Bridge and pretty much accomplished my goal.  It was so sick.  It is the lust of my life though. 

Last year was even worse.  In some ways, the day itself, was actually better.  I do love how I feel when I shoot that evil drug. That's just the truth.  The better part was not how I felt, but what I did.  I attended a recovery meeting.  Everyone there let me know how I have been driving them insane for so many years because they can hear my insane voice and all the other voices in their head every time I use.  Over the years, I have used a lot. 

I hate to say it, but I'd rather have the euphoric high by The Golden Gate Bridge than deal with the insanity that ALWAYS follows.  That's my problem.  What I must know is it will always lead me to the voices and basically, hell on earth.  It's so real to me.  I think in some ways, it's real to everyone - somewhere, somehow.  I just hope it's not actually real in this Universe.  Wow.  That would be so.  I'm sorry if so.  Wow.  This Universe is so complicated.  I am certain of this. 

I'll be spending Christmas with my family.  I will soon see all of the people who really do mean so much to me - still.  It's so important I be grateful for all I have.  I need to love my loved ones. 

Thank you for helping me win my last battle.  Thank you everyone.  Thank you God.  I hope and pray my War is Over.  Happy XMas.

 

So this is Xmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Xmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Xmas (war is over)
For weak and for strong (if you want it)
For rich and the poor ones (war is over)
The world is so wrong (if you want it)
And so happy Xmas (war is over)
For black and for white (if you want it)
For yellow and red ones (war is over)
Let's stop all the fight (now)

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Xmas (war is over)
And what have we done (if you want it)
Another year over (war is over)
A new one just begun (if you want it)
And so happy Xmas (war is over)
We hope you have fun (if you want it)
The near and the dear one (war is over)
The old and the young (now)

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

War is over, if you want it
War is over now

Happy Xmas