Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Believing in God and doing the right thing always makes things better.   This day was really hard.   Really hard!  And, really painful!  Really painful!  Many of the nurses were not helping me when I really truly needed it and was in serious pain. Some however, were.  Especially the really cute Asian ones.  Have I ever said how cute I find Asian women to be!  Especially Nurses in their white/tight uniforms here!  Enough!  It's that thinking that got me into trouble last time!!  Which eventually led me here!  With them.  Enough.

They are cute and they are sweet.  Most of them.  I need to behave. I need God.  God is what I have.  I have been having so much pain with all my broken bones, my constipation, which recently got mostly figured out how I could relieve myself.  Not fun,  but possible.  The only part I was still struggling and in often in pain with was my urination.  I was in serious pain this afternoon.  Serious pain.  I begged for help, but did not get it.  I then started reading this awesome website my friends created to help me and began writing a hug to it.  Next thing you know, a nurse came in with a catheter and trained me how to do it myself!  No more waiting on them!  I figured if I could stick a needle in my veins, then I could stick a tube in penis!  I could.  I have to run that tube a long way, but I am grateful to have that problem I guess! :)

ISOLATION (later that evening)

Where am I now, GOD? LOL. All that hoping and praying and believing became nothing really quickly. Well, not nothing, but it will be a while before it is once again understood by the hospital section I was in yesterday. I was in the beautiful, brand new, art and music influenced Mezzanine section.  Now, I am in the South Section - Isolated tuberculosis section. Apparently, I have tuberculosis! That's just what I need to go along with everything else - shattered bones, constipation and other very difficult and painful going the restroom issues! These times are tough on there own, but when one is painfully sunk in to his bed from being unable to move very much in addition this creates excruciation pain. Wow.

Yesterday, I was taken to another hospital in a van on a wheelchair to verify if I in fact had TB. After being there a couple of hours, my rear end got to be in so much pain. I have almost no cushion since I have lost so much weight while here. I remembered another bone I broke - my tail bone! It hurt so bad. Back in my football playing days, I would rarely get knocked on my rear. However, occasionally, when I did, I would land directly on my tailbone and that would create an amazingly painful situation! It reminded me of that! I also developed a lot of pain in my left shattered ankle. I've never shattered bones like I have in my ankle and other body parts, so this is all very new pain! I've never fell 50 feet onto them before! When asked if I would like to hang around 2 more hours to see the doctor, I told them I could not due to the pain I was in. I really needed to lay down in my bed!

(The next day)

Once back at my hospital, I was told I would have to leave at 8:30 am, which is 1 hour and 50 minutes from now. I was told I needed to be there by 9:00 am just to get a chance to see a doctor at 11:00 am. In other words things will be longer today than yesterday! OUCH! OUCH!

I have already begun telling people here this issue. They told me it was more for the morning crew which comes in at 8:00 am. This Doesn't give me much time to arrange something else! It is so important something else is arranged! I don't have time to wonder if I have TB. I don't have time to be in this TB Clinic! The TB clinic does not have wireless access. The TB clinic does not have cell phone access. The TB clinic is not a place that I believe allows visitors – rightfully so. I hope I don't have TB! My tweaker butt probably does!

Oh yeah, one last thing. I got screamed at last night for not catheterizing myself. I had done it earlier in the other ward or I had an hour to do it still, depending on how you look at it. It was late at night, I was confused, had no lights. The longer I realized all this, the more I realized what a jerk this guy was. It's not up to me anyway! Ahh, very confused. He was just.... When I asked about him the nurses would say, “Oh don't worry about him, it's the end of his shift.” Must have had a bad one!

Now is a time for GOD to be in my life. I don't imagine big change in all this really fast, but I am going to stop writing and do the only thing possible right now – pray. Pray to GOD.

Pray to God I did. Just generally – that's it. I didn't ask for anything. I thanked GOD for my ability to be alive. I thank GOD for all of you. Guess what GOD gave me? The ability to pee. That made my day. I mean, I was having an isolated, not hear from anyone day. At one point, I had to pee so bad, that I took out the plastic pee in a little jug thing and started pushing. I didn't have a catheter and the nurses would not answer the call button to bring me one for at least and hour. After a bit of time, I attempted to pee in the plastic pee thing they give you at hospitals (I forget what they are called.).  After some time, I hosed in 500 CC! I felt better. I felt improvement in my health! I could pee! I COULD PEE! It wasn't a perfect situation, but was a start to a long recovery situation. I had recently decided that if I had a choice between being able to use the restroom (which for me meant going #1 and #2) OR being in a wheel chair – I'd choose the wheel chair! Unable to use the restroom it's not a good thing! After a bit, a nurse came in and gave me a catheter and a bag and I hosed in an additional 100. Only 100! I'll be glad when I can get out the additional 100 on my own!

Later, I had a cute and obviously very smart Doctor come in and she gave me complete exam in front of a younger cute Doctor woman in training. I told her about my peeing and she thought that was great. I also told her how I had done some turd mining this morning and she thought that was also wonderful. She really encouraged it over taking a suppository. Some nurses around here discouraged my doing that – turd mining, but I knew better. I could just tell the way the two felt while being done. My smart Doctor agreed. Since I had gone turd mining that morning, all that hard pushing was no big deal. I can't leave bed so I don't like risking all the pushing. My Doctor asked that I do the same thing this evening. I didn't have to pee as bad and had not gone poo poo mining as recently so I did and that's enough poo poo, pee pee talk!

Let's end it on a good note - My being hospitalized and surviving in part because of all of you! (That is before I got isolated.  I won't be isolated forever!)

I have been having a lot of family time lately.  I spend  a lot of time on the phone with my step-mother Marilynn.  Marilynn has meant the world to me!  She is like a mother.  She's just - cool. 

Then there's my older brother Bob.  Bob and I grew up in the same crazy, but loving household.  Bob had a lot of his own physical and mental issues to deal with with as a kid so he avoided the troubles of addiction.  Since he had physical recovery issues growing up, he chose to be a physical therapist!  I respect him a lot for this.  Not only do Bob and I get to relate on old times, he gets to help me understand my physical therapy issues. 

Michael is my oldest of my younger  two brothers.  His band played in my fundraiser.  Michael seems to be following my footsteps in many ways - good and bad, bro! Keep on jammin!   Alex is more like me in so many ways.  I can't even explain.  I love that youngest brother.  He is a good young man who is much like me.  I feel a deep connection and have felt bad for being absent from him over the years.

Then there are my aunts on my dads side.  I love them all and I have been in contact with them all again recently.  All three have been like my mother at some point.  Not long after my real mother died, Bob and I went and stayed with Aunt Donna.  She has two kids, Kenny and Scott and she has two step kid, Timmy and Greg.  They are her husband Richards kids.  Richard was a race car driver back in those days.  We were all the #9's pit crew!  Fun days.

My aunt Kathy and uncle Giles live in the Miami Florida area.  They have two kids, Audrey and Giles.  Little Giles just got married!  We (Bob and friends and I) used to go down there every summer and stay for a while. Talk about fun!  Wow.  Miami!  Key West!

Then there is aunt Sheila and Uncle Bill.  I used to rent an apartment from them in Norwood, Ohio.  Norwood is surrounded on all sides by Cincinnati.  It was a  2 family house.  Downstairs was my grandma - Kathleen.  Upstairs was me and a friend or for a while it was me and Kenny, my cousin. Talk about good times.  The good old days! 

Then there is aunt Roberta, my mothers sister I stay in contact with.  I love her.  She really seems to have a connection with my mother.  I can relate to her in so many ways. I also love and respect her husband Paul.

I have also been back in touch with lots of San Francisco friends who all happen to be in recovery and lots of friends from my Loveland, Ohio days.  Then there are my Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog contacts and Facebook contacts!

I was not doing a lot of this staying in contact before my hospitalization.  Especially when I was using.  Before I was using I was to many, but all this time has granted me time to stay in touch with more people which is very nice. I have been struggling with my situation, but all of my family and friends are getting me through.  I see this as a God thing.  Let's leave it at this.  I love you all! :) 

Since the past couple of days have kept me isolated in many ways including the phone and the internet, I have been a little extra lonsome!  Needless to say, one of my old man's tunes came to mind!  Ironically, I was starting to miss him too.  Because when I was caught up my addiction at the end, his voice was very prevalent and I wasn't sure if he were alive or dead anymore.  In fact, the first time I remember speaking to Marilynn a couple a weeks ago,  I ask for him.  She told me he was dead.

Are you lonesome tonight,
Do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Does your memory stray to a brighter summer day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?
Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare?
Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

I wonder if you're lonesome tonight
You know someone said that the worlds a stage
And each must play a part.
Fate had me playing in love you as my sweet heart.
Act one was when we met, I loved you at first glance
You read your line so cleverly and never missed a cue
Then came act two, you seemed to change and you acted strange
And why I'll never know.
Honey, you lied when you said you loved me
And I had no cause to doubt you.
But I'd rather go on hearing your lies
Than go on living without you.
Now the stage is bare and I'm standing there
With emptiness all around
And if you wont come back to me
Then make them bring the curtain down.

Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?