(phone rings)
I am getting a visitor! Yeah!!! It's one of Susan's friends from work. I guess he couldn't find me because they didn't have me on the list as a patient. That's a surprise. Right!!. I love this new hospital. It's beautiful and it's brand new and it's just awesome. After some time being here, I may even appreciate all the weekend freedom I receive.
Right now - I need help - when I ask. Not an hour later. I'm in so much pain. I don't want to go into discusting details, but I need help when I ask. And when I keep pushing the help button because I'm in a horrible possition after going to the restroom in my bed (where I have to stay) and I'm in serious pain and the artificial toilet is flexible and only an inch deep - I'm in pain and miserable. At the last hospital, in which I was usually in the ICU, I had a nurse in my room 24-7. I am ordered to never move. Anything. They told me to never move. Now I'm here. I am here because I believe they were impressed by my willingness to get well and sped up the process to get me here.
Just now I got a call from another one of my friends who said she is going to come visit. I met her at Jerry Garcia's Birthday Party in August - the day after Susan headed back to Cincinnati with her husband. It was also a day before I got exited from my program. I had so much going on! This friend and her daughter were just a pleasant distraction added to the music I was listening to at Jerry Garcia Amphitheater in McClaren Park.
She just texted me "Positive vibes love". She is so cute and positive. So is her young daughter. And, her young daughter seems to be an artists! This woman is kind and aware.
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| Hippie Chicks daughters art! (I added this later after we all met) |
A couple months ago she (I believe I called her Hippie Chick in previous blogs) was driving across The Golden Gate Bridge and traffic was very slow because someone was up on the rail about to jump off. Her seeing this made her think of me and the next time we spoke, she told me to never do such a thing. She said "So many people love you, please don't do something like that." I told her I would never do something so final. However, I didn't deny that just my shooting up was risking killing myself.
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| Not sure how she knew I had seen hundreds of shooting stars. I guess she just knew. |
Later, I told Susan. I told Susan how Hippie Chick and others, including Gina had recently told me how many people loved me. This was hard for me to understand. It kind of always has been I've never felt that lovable.
Added
this photo later than blog also - after we all met.
I get that people love people who harm themselves - addiction has been common in my family. I get that people do love people who end it all for themselves. I had a cousin hang himself - I love him. I don't want to get to personal info about others very close to me in my life, but suicide was always "possible".
It wasn't "suicide", but both my parents were addicts and both are dead. Had they have stopped using.... Well, I believe they would have lived longer - this is just the nature of addiction. Sometimes, addicts make the final sacrifice.
My using always put me at risk of dying. If I stop using life is a lot healthier and more guaranteed - that's for sure. Yesterday, February 16th was the day of my fundraiser. So many seemed to care and seemed so proud of me. (I want them to believe in God - not me). So many weren't aware of what caused my accident - including me, until yesterday. My friend, Lisa was helping me move hospitals and pulled out my bag of clothes from that "accident" the other day. When she opened them, I saw a bunch of clothes that had been cut off of me and were bloody. There were also EMT's there with me. At that moment, I realized something. "I jumped off that building." It was the tallest thing in the neighborhood. And, mainly being a parking garage, there was not a lot of traffic on the top floors. I still had someone call a police officer though. He was worried I may be trying to steal something. I didn't tell him what my apparent motive was. This all hurts me.
I so badly did not want to kill myself, but I wouldn't ever let dark souls, like "The Big Bad Wolf" (this time), take me when I was in a secluded place. Once I was in San Bruno Mountain on Christmas Eve trying to allow this to occur so better souls like Susan or her mother or her new husband or my older brother could have positive things occur for the rest of there lives and when they died. I was so twisted. And, I wouldn't call anyone. Killing myself would only stop me from hurting more people and possibly stop something else bigger. The voices in my head led me to believe something would occur on April Fools Day - Armageddon. I believed it would happen in the form of a meteor shower. All good souls on this earth would be going somewhere good of course. One night, Christmas Eve, I was worried about dying the Big Bad Wolf's way, so I pulled out my knife and cut my wrists. My knife was dull and I could hear children playing outside so I changed my mind about that way. This is all so confusing to write for me - especially after so many have supported me. The next few days I was grateful that attempt wasn't successful and dismissed it.
None of this "End of the World" thinking sounded to good. I was nearly homeless and wouldn't talk to people. My death may have actually made sense. Yesterday, after I realized my scary intentions, I read this online:
Meteorite - not the end of the world - strikes Russia's Siberia
A bus-sized meteor exploded over Russia's Ural Mountains, sparking speculation about everything from a missile attack to the end of the world. The shock waves smashed windows and damaged buildings.
By Fred Weir | Christian Science MonitorDespite all the crazy warnings I had gotten that may have had something to them (possibly not), I am starting to remember now, I so badly didn't want to kill myself. This is becoming clear. Like I said in previous blogs - I was very confused. I still am a bit. Shooting that drug just took me to a new level. One of the last blogs I wrote before using said that if I shoot speed, I end up in hell on earth. If I die while in hell on earth - I end up in hell is what I believed. Dying was the tweaker "plan" (no plan) for about month. Many who loved Susan sacrificed much for her. Suicide was though. Even when I'd get on the ledge, I'd get back off. I'm pretty sure I took a running start and jumped over. I attempted suicide.
This was so hard for me to realize yesterday. Especially with this wonderful fundraiser. People care, love and believe in me. I would like to say that I am being Truthful about this because I would never end my life if I weren't using. Never. Hopefully, this only ads more reason for me to stay in recovery - it's still hard. It has been so hard for the past 2 days. I feel so ?????. I hope people find a way to understand. I have trouble.
Just being at this new hospital is hard. I am way to physically messed up for the amount of care provided. I know that now. I was better off in the ICU. It will work out. This I know. Sorry to be such a "cry-baby". Thank you all for your support. Hopefully this is the beginning of something very positive. I will stay honest, so there will be some though times, but as long as I'm clean.
Being an addict, I know many who have died. Many times, I could have been amongst those "many". Although I considered suicide many times, this was my first attempt. Knowing this makes a tough situation tougher.
"Friends And Lovers"
All my friends and all my lovers are... dead
Some from cheap narcotics and others from... lead
The filthy rich and the dirt-dirt poor
Are all the same when they can't take no more
'Cause all my friends and all my lovers are... dead
A slit wrist leaves a mess
On the breakfast table, oh yes
Betta' cut deep 'fore you go to sleep
But in the morning you're the one who gonna have to clean
Days I've seen make a priest lose his beliefs
Like Kathy crawlin' 'cross the
Chewin pills like she was starvin' for a taste of relief
Her last wind was in the trash can; couldn't beat the disease
All my friends and all my lovers are... dead
Some from cheap narcotics and others from... lead
The filthy rich and the dirt-dirt poor
Are all the same when they can't take no more
'Cause all my friends and all my lovers are... dead
Johnny made a record, went straight to number one
But Johnny had a little fascination with guns
And cocaine, he couldn't stand to take the slow train
Got a little Porsche, lost his breaks in the rain, oh
What to do when your luck is through
Whether you come from the slums or live in Malibu
Seen runnin' down the avenue
Mickey Avalon with an attitude
All my friends and all my lovers are... dead
Some from cheap narcotics and others from... lead
The filthy rich and the dirt-dirt poor
Are all the same when they can't take no more
'Cause all my friends and all my lovers are... dead
Lean Lee Tucker was a mean motherfucker
Seen him knock a man clean out his corduroy
And that same man's queen (?) monster
Found him lifeless as a log in the Mississippi river
Tara was a stripper
Tara done that shit with a smile on her face and her hand on her liver
But I ain't mad, I forgive her
I just get a little sad everytime I fuck her sister
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