Ocean Size

Wish I was ocean size
They cannot move you
No one tries
No one pulls you
Out from your hole
Like a tooth aching a jawbone
I was made with a heart of stone
To be broken
With one hard blow
We seen the ocean
Brake on the shore
Come together with no harm done
It ain't easy living...
I want to be
As deep
As the ocean
Mother ocean
Some people tell me
Home is in the sky
In the sky lives a spy
I want to be more like the ocean
No talking
All action....
No talking
All action....

I assume many of you are aware of my hardcore mistake in addition to problems I had been having.  I'm not sure where or how to begin with it all.  I'm just not.  I remember fearing homelessness and using.  I got really confused and kept using.  To make a long story short, on January 15th I found myself at the top (5th floor) of a BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) Police station and garage for the train station.  I was confused about my "mission" I was on.  I may try to explain it all later, but for now, I am aware I jumped or fell or attempted to climb off the structure.

I ended up at San Francisco General Hospital - Gods Will?  Well, I'm alive, which was something my insane mind was not always allowing for.  My soul was to be delivered to "The Big Bad Wolf" in the woods.  

I became conscious at the beginning of last week.  I was out for 3 weeks.  Yesterday I was told I may never walk again.  That was hard to hear.  It came as no surprise - I can't even move!  It only strengthened my desire to be a healthy human.  "Falling" off that roof shattered my left ankle the most.  It also shattered my right ankle, my left and right elbows, my neck, my ribs and part of my backbone.  Oh yeah, there was also damage to my skull.  There's more than all that.  

I'm alive and clean for almost 30 days!  I am exhausted and trying to remain busy in my recovery - not just my drug recovery this time - my health recovery too.

My mind is so confused.  I don't know where or how to begin, so let me cut this blog short.  I said I would quit blogging in my last blog I wrote.  I assumed I would be in Rehab.     The last blog I wrote was called Give to Live.  I knew that in order to live, I had to give.  I stopped giving and nearly stopped living.

Below is the last blog I wrote before I relapsed that I never posted.  Perhaps I should have Posted it.  It's what God wanted.  Maybe it's what God wants now.



(I wrote this blog in late October - the night before I i.v.'d speed.)

MY HERO:
November 6

I went to SF General this morning to sort out my hospital bill.  (a previous one).  It seems everything is going to work out.  It seems I will be covered for the bill.  Since I have technically never had Healthy San Francisco Insurance, they will go back and cover anything that occurred 90 days prior to my getting it.  The tests were about a month ago.  I have to just take them a bank statement and a profit/loss statement for my business to verify I am really poor and set up what I will have to pay.  I will  take these things  next week  to my very understanding and very attractive worker.   

It turns out her ex is also in recovery.  I guess the fact that there are a lot of us in recovery or know someone that is is what makes all us San Franciscans so understanding in that area - I get that part?. What makes us all so attractive though?  Well, she is anyway.  Actually, I kind of know the answer to that too.  We live in a city where we have to be active by default.  Walking is usually a must.  There are not as many fast food options either.  And, I think the weather being 60 to 70 and sunny 9 out of 10 days of the year makes it easier to do things like ride your bike everywhere and run everyday or just take a walk.  It is a beautiful city in so many ways.

Speaking of running everyday, I'm finally getting back to running every day.  Actually, I run every night.   I run in the night now.  I wasn't able too run as much with my schedule the way it was before.  Plus I was getting so exhausted pushing that big cart.  I was too tired to run.   It's not that it wasn't great exercise, but I wasn't getting my runners high.  I lost 5 pounds doing it.  My pants were starting to fall down.  Just ask Dale and Anna!  It looked as thought I might have been going for "that look" - you know, the pants halfway down look.  That's not really my look.

Speaking of pants falling down.....  Susan always loved this story.  Maybe it's because she knows the place I'm talking about where this happened.  Even she had a sense of humor about the insanity of my addiction - when I was clean of course.  One day, when I was really skinny - about 125lbs, I was running to catch a train.....  I had spent the night out at Ocean Beach.  I remember it was Saturday because the coffee shop where the N - Judah Muni Train was packed full of people.  I was a tweaked out mess and my pants were way too big.  As I ran out into the middle of the train turnaround in the middle of the intersection, my pants fell down around my ankles.  I of course didn't have underwear on.  I'm sure it was quite a show for the early morning coffee drinkers.  I mean this is San Francisco where such sights are commonplace, but it is kind of the burbs out there!  As far as my not having underwear on, I had either lost them or didn't' wear them because I started realizing that every time I wore underwear and shot crystal meth - I lost them.  Have I ever said what a messed up ridiculous mess I became on that drug?  Oh, the glory days.

Where was I?  Running.  I love running these days.  And, I wear underwear and my pants fit.  Well, they are getting big again, but I actually have a belt.  My shorts I run in fit - thankfully.  Not that I couldn't run naked through San Francisco, but I really wouldn't want to - for so many reasons!

Like I said, running gets me so high.  I really feel so good.  I feel like a super hero.  I love trying to be one.  Most super hero's are ordinary people.  Ordinary is awesome.  I just want to be there for people anyway I can.  So many have been there for me.  I thought it was so cute when Gina sent me a text saying, "You're a super hero!", the day I had six months clean.  It really is little things like that I hold on to that help keep me clean.  So many have done so much for me - I can't use!  (Sarcastically) Thanks A lot!  Seriously though.  Thanks. 

I love running to the Bay Bridge.  Once there, I do 70 push ups and 100 situps.  It is so beautiful at night!  The lights of the Bay Bridge....
 

Right after I finished my push ups and sit ups the other night, I felt really good.  I usually do afterward.  I'm past half way!  And, the push ups and sit ups are the hard part.  I was feeling really good and I thought about Gina saying that and how good I felt.  I then started thinking of all the people who have tuned into my ridiculous existence over the past few months.  I thought of a few people in particular.  It made me smile.  I still thought it didn't make a lot of sense as I ran however -  I then past this large back-lit sign billboard on the sidewalk:  (It also had a beautiful woman in the ad I wish I could have photographed - I planned to.  Essentially, my world found a way to communicate when I needed it most.   I passed on this important message. )

YOU HAVE 

A STORY

TO TELL

 

(I wanted to photograph it, but obviously never got around to it.  Perhaps my time would have been better well spent doing so.)

I thought, how appropriately timed to my thoughts.  I smiled and thanked God.  It is true, that when I am making good decisions, The Universe seems to communicate with me more.  It was then that I saw this "Message" which was from the same set of ads as the first one I saw:

YOU HAVE 

SONGS 

TO SHARE

This really made me smile as I continued to run.  It even makes me smile now.  If all that weren't enough, moments later this song, My Hero, started playing in my headphones.  Sometimes life can feel so amazingly beautiful!  Thank you God.  I mean that.  And, YOU are my hero!  And, oh yeah, I guess "I have a song to share...." 

"Truth or consequence,  say it aloud"  Truth would have felt nicer!!!!

Too alarming now to talk about
Take your pictures down and shake it out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary

Don't the best of them bleed it out
While the rest of them peter out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary

Kudos, my hero
Leaving all the best
You know my hero
The one that's on

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary
There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary


I wonder how things may have gone if I would have stayed foucused on that blog AND THE TRUTH - instead of shooting up, which I chose to do that night.  I wonder how things would have gone had I listened to God.  I'm in so much pain right now.  I mean it.  I may never walk again.  That's the least of the current pain.  I'm in pain.