Superman

I guess today is Saturday.  I have not spent much time on Facebook or writing a blog all week.  The reason is because I have been so sick.  I hate being sick.  I feel sick now, but a little better.  The problem is, I have not found a solution to my sickness.  I just stopped eating yesterday.  Embarrassingly, my sickness is constipation. It's because I take so much constipation causing pain medication and I've been awake and off a IV drip for 2 weeks - this means I've been eating food and taking pills.  I'm miserably constipated.  My nurses aren't very concerned either.  It's as if they don't want to hear it or deal with it.

A couple of nights ago, I was so miserable. I asked the  nurses to not give me my pain medication that was causing the constipation - Oxycodone.  I've never been a pill popper, so I've never had to deal with the side effects.  Plus, I can't leave my bed, so this also causes constipation, plus I have to get catheterized 6 times a day, so when  I'm told, "Drink more fluids", this is not really an option because they will not increase how many times they catheterize me per day.  I'm lucky if they stick that tube up my penis six times a day (the amount of times I'm scheduled to have it done)!  When I explain this situation to "whoever"  they simply say "oh".  As if they understand I'll get no more catheterization then I am scheduled for.  It is what it is.
 
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Lets see, somehow it is now 4:36 in the afternoon.  Somehow I am not feeling good anymore.  Better than a couple hours ago, but....

I love "this hospital" that shall remain nameless (naming the last one I cared so much about got me kicked out for less than this), but man this recovery hospital has its problems.  Wow!  I'm not sure where or how to begin.  

I have my problems, that is for sure.  I've been using drugs since I was 12 years old.  I started pretty hardcore just after I found my mother dying and my dad started his hardcore drinking days to accompany his already existing workaholism .  His addiction was almost always manageable.  Mine mostly was until I started shooting speed in San Francisco 9 years ago.  I have lost so  much to that drug.  SO MUCH!  It's a long story that this blog I have been writing off and on for 7 years has tried to explain, but....  I get so confused.  I hear voices.  I see things.  Things that are undeniable!  

That drug along with all the others I've taken in my past has truly opened "mental" doors.  I will truly advise others to avoid my drug using path.  Crystal Meth is the one that has caused me to lose everything and caused me to jump off the roof of a 5 story police station/BART Parking Garage.  Essentially, it's a Bay Area Rapid Transit Train Station.   It's also a train station for  Cal Train. It's the main station before San Francisco International Airport.  

My leap caused me to smash so many bones in my body.  Life is so confusing these days.  However, I do believe GOD saved my life for doing what I did.  I was going to hell so I could leave others alone.  My insane leap was very unselfish.  I don't know, I just love people - especially when I am not using. 

I got stuck in my addiction so quickly and was unable to see a way out.  I almost had that way out before, but things got slightly twisted - The day it all began was biblical as I always suspected it may be - for years.  I'm  so damn confused - even right now.  It brings tears to my eyes.  One of my bones I damaged was my skull.  I'm told "Problems will be caused."  

Now that I vaguely remember that day I jumped, it took me so long.  That day, January 15th, I kept going to fast food restaurants to get a drink because I did not want to experience that falling sensation.  And, I figured it would be the last time I would get to experience such a thing - ice cold soda in a cup.  So far, I don't remember it - the jump or fall that is.

Excuse me, it's medicine time.  This medicine round includes a shot to the stomach (which I get 3 times a day).  I think it also includes a suppository - after dinner of course.  Makes for an interesting evening. I'm grateful to be alive.  I'm sorry I am so....whatever I am.  Thank you God.  Life is Beautiful! :)

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
And it's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away, away from me
It's all right, you can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy, or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet
I'm only a man
Looking for a dream

I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it's not easy

Its not easy to be me