Someday

Someday, my life will be "normal".  It got bent out of shape so fast this last time.  I got kicked out of that program I was in for different reasons.  None were exit-able offenses.  I am what I am.  I miss that program.  I miss the relationship with God the most.

My decision to use in November was a bad one that took me down so fast.  I lost it all.  I was about to be homeless.  In fact, I am.  Thankfully I have this hospital to care for me.  It was not my plan, that's for sure.  

I was running from the devil.  Yet, I was trying to deal with that devil.  Not too smart.  However I ended up plummeting 40 feet from the top of a police station/garage/BART station by San Francisco International Airport, after speaking to a BART cop - I have no idea how that all happened.  What I do know is it seems to have been GOD's Will.  Not that all my bad prior decisions have been.  

I'm confused.  I'm in a lot of pain.  Doctors tell me I may never walk again.  I believe I will.  My physical therapist also believes I will - in 2 months!  I like the way that man thinks.  He also puts me through a lot of exercise!  I feel this at night!  The soreness and pain constantly awakes me.  My older brother is a physical therapist. Talk about new born respect!  

In my recent drug induced past, I was so confused and so unwilling to die, yet I felt my soul was owed to those who were better than me.  Dealing with that devil "convinced" me of this.  Kind of.  Shooting speed took me down in a hurry.  It convinces me of A LOT!

Being clean for 31 days has cleared my head - some.  I'm in pain and confused.  

After my fall, I shattered the bones in my ankles, elbows and my backbone.  I broke my ribs, hips, neck, collar bone and skull.   I have lots of other problems also - more painful than those shattered bones! The healing will take time.  Recovery from drugs alone takes time.  Dealing with the loss of Susan, her new marriage and her recent child birth and recent move to Cincinnati takes time.  She's been kind and amazing through our split.  So many people have.  All this "pain" feels  more real than usual.  I even cry a lot.  With real tears.  This is embarrassing, but this place (SF General)  is very busy (yet very good) and I can't physically move much.  It's important I be a man, but I am a physical and mental mess. - perhaps a bit overboard.  It is what it is.  I'll make it.

Many are having a fund raiser for me this weekend.  I love these people so much.  Not because they are raising funds - just because they care.  I can make it with God alone, IF I DON'T SHOOT SPEED.  I could care less about the money.  

The event is at Bocca Billiards in Milford:

 

I never asked for it or expected it (especially plummeting 40 to 50 feet), but I'm glad I did - I guess.  I believe it's God's way of working.  I'm so confused.  I've started over so many times.  I wish I could figure all this out.  Someday.