"Sometimes the things we can't change, end up changing us instead."
-Unknown
Hearing voices changed me. I can't change that. I'll never forget when they first started. They freaked me out so much. One of the first characters to show up was the devil himself. I never heard from him again, until the end of last year.
The first time the devil introduced himself to me, Susan and I were about to go to L.A. to see one of the last tapings of The Price is Right with Bob Barker. Susan loved Bob Barker and his animal rights ways.
Before we left, the devil was behind our building. I had set up a webcam looking down behind our apartment because I believed people were out there. After I started hearing his voice, I could see him standing behind our building on the computer screen. He was surrounded by beautiful, scantily clad women. He kept telling me to "come on down." He wanted me to give him my soul.
The devil tried to get me to "come on down" and bow down to him. If I did, I would "get to serve high in hell." Also, I would be able to do whatever I wanted for the rest of my life and no one would have to know. Serving high in hell sure didn't sound too appealing. And, even though I was not being a Good person, I figured I'd be better off trying to be with God someday. I said, "No. I would take my chances with God." The devil said I would end up in hell either way. I still refused. That devil may have been right. I hope and believe I have time to change all that still.
Eventually, I thought the voices were real people - on my roof. I begged them not to bother anyone but me. Susan had done nothing wrong. The knew I had. They had seen me do unthinkable things. It was only me they claimed to be after. I told Susan they were on our roof. I begged Susan to get the car and pull it to the front door so I could run into it and we could leave for L.A. I was telling her people were on our roof. She thought I was crazy, but she did pull the car up to the front door for me. As soon as I jumped in the car and we were about to pull away, something actually dropped onto the roof of our car - obviously from our roof. I said, "See?" She began to believe that perhaps I wasn't crazy.
The devil was in my head all the way there. I'll never forget as we got out of San Francisco radio station range, we were going up and down hills. Every time we went up, an uplifting song, I can't remember what it was, tuned in on the radio. Every time we went down, AC/DC's Highway to Hell tuned in on the radio. It was a long ride to Southern California. We went to Joshua Tree first. It is in the middle of the desert. We went straight to Skull Rock. The devil, of course, told me that it was him. A few days later, we did get to see one of the last Price is Right tapings with Bob Barker. Like so many things, my use had tainted it. Every time I heard them say "Come on down", well....
The early days of hearing voices were so insane. I had no idea where they were coming from. I still don't. Eventually, it would be my friends and families voices that I would here. They were trying to help me. I know that somehow, they are real. However, eventually, I would determine that it was all from my drug use and would not want to believe they were real, even when I could still here them. I would get so depressed after shooting that drug. It depletes the brain of all "happy" chemicals. My only "answer" was using again. The voices don't really exist in the early lustful, euphoric hours after I do a hit. I still lust for that rush. It feels sooo good. It's orgasmic. That doesn't mean I can do it. Actually, it means I shouldn't.
Before I relapsed this last time, the voices were getting louder. Not nearly as loud as after I use, but louder than normal. I don't mind them. I think someone like me needs them. I think they have the right to turn on me when I relapse or even think about it. They get dark because of my behavior. I did hear the devils voice this last time. I think I need to realize that he'll always be around if I use again. He is so creepy. I do not blame the devil for my actions. I do sometimes believe that evil never gives up on someone like me. I know, however, that God doesn't. That matters the most.
Things were really dark this last time. Enough so, that I don't want to use again - for now. I will want to. I just have to believe and understand that. I am an addict. Based on my track record, I will use again. I can't even believe I ever would. Especially if I have a chance of going to a "never ending" hell - and I believe I do. That is where I was heading if my suicide attempt would have been successful. If I ever had reason to never use again, it was this time. I've always had a lot to lose and I have used and lost it.
I give God credit for my receiving more chances. So many times! I hope I have not taken advantage of God's love. I think I have. No matter what, God wins. I'm sure of that. I just want to be with God.
I'm not sure I will. If I'm not, I want as many people as possible to be. I do care about people. I have no idea how it all works, but I know there is a God and I know God loves us all. God does not love our wrong doings. God should be what God is to everyone - whatever that is. The one thing I know it has to be for everyone is Good Orderly Direction. That's the part I have struggled with because I am an addict.
I write this blog because I want to share all that I have learned. It's confusing, but I tell The Truth so people believe in me. I'm not insane. The voices subtly encourage me when I have been clean for a while. When I consider using, they get hard on me - as they should.
People who have cared about me think that my being okay with hearing voices is not okay. I understand what they mean, but I have learned to accept them. When I told Susan I didn't want to take medication to get rid of the voices, she asked, "Oh, you'd be lonely with out them." It's not really like that but, kind of. Actually, I have been taking an antipsychotic medication for them recently and the voices are very quiet. I do kind of miss them. Yesterday, I saw a commercial on television that if people have taken the medication I am taking and grown female breast to call them. As sick as I am, that would probably turn me on and feed my addiction. I'm pretty sick, huh? I just love.... Stop!
It's so important I don't use for so many reasons. Having my own beautiful apartment in a high rise building, not having to be in an institution or not having to be homeless are the obvious ones. Caring about all that's been done for me by so many amazing people matters to me even more. Caring about the real possibility of my going to a "never ending" hell means the most - to me, on a selfish level.
Caring about young people matters to me too. I know I don't have that many young readers. Perhaps I shouldn't. People have told me they read this to their children. That encourages me. I guess I should be less...whatever I am. Actually I should be "less" whatever I become and then I will be less...whatever I am. I think I'm referring to the sexual addiction that arises from my use. That's nothing to be proud of - I promise you that.
I'm not sure kids believe in someone like me, but if it matters to just one - that matters. Basically, young men out there should not want to grow female breasts - unless they want to be female that is. I don't. I just love.... Stop! Addiction can go so wrong. Please don't start using. If one has started, now is a great time to stop. Asking for help is a great thing. We hit bottom when we stop digging - I'm told. Actually, I do know this is true. I just keep digging. Stop. Please. 30 years of hardcore digging has nearly put me in a "never ending" hell.
Caring about anyone trying to overcome addiction to anything is another reason why I write this. That and I want people to know that there is a God. Whatever that means. It just is. God is the answer to addiction is what I actually mean.
This blog matters to me. Susan and I are still good friends. She tells me this blog feeds my ego. Maybe. However, this blog matters because I believe it helps me stay clean. Some even disagree with that. The Truth about that belief is nothing has really helped me stay clean. God has always been with me and still, I choose to leave God. Ultimately, that beautiful gift God gave us called "Free Will" is why I go to hell on earth and may go to a "never ending" hell. I believe that's what may happen to someone that knows God exists and continues in his bad ways. God also loves us enough to give us so many chances. Believing helps.
This blog matters because I want it to help others. I know that when I disappear, it does matter. Or, I guess, I matter. For that, I'm grateful. People start looking for me. People send the police to check on me. My blog readership increases so much after I do things like relapse, nearly die or try to kill myself. I like increased readership but not like that! I disappear because I end up being high for days without eating, drinking or sleeping. I also disappear for so long because I just don't know how to tell people that I did something I believed I'd never do again. It's always that way. This time - I CAN'T USE AGAIN! I mean that. I always mean that.
The reason this blog matters to me is it is suppose to, first and foremost, matter to God. I believe it will no matter what it means for me. I just hope it will ultimately help it mean something Good for me. I think it will matter most if that is the outcome.
Hearing voices changed me. I can't change that. I'll never forget when they first started. They freaked me out so much. One of the first characters to show up was the devil himself. I never heard from him again, until the end of last year.
The first time the devil introduced himself to me, Susan and I were about to go to L.A. to see one of the last tapings of The Price is Right with Bob Barker. Susan loved Bob Barker and his animal rights ways.
Before we left, the devil was behind our building. I had set up a webcam looking down behind our apartment because I believed people were out there. After I started hearing his voice, I could see him standing behind our building on the computer screen. He was surrounded by beautiful, scantily clad women. He kept telling me to "come on down." He wanted me to give him my soul.
The devil tried to get me to "come on down" and bow down to him. If I did, I would "get to serve high in hell." Also, I would be able to do whatever I wanted for the rest of my life and no one would have to know. Serving high in hell sure didn't sound too appealing. And, even though I was not being a Good person, I figured I'd be better off trying to be with God someday. I said, "No. I would take my chances with God." The devil said I would end up in hell either way. I still refused. That devil may have been right. I hope and believe I have time to change all that still.
Eventually, I thought the voices were real people - on my roof. I begged them not to bother anyone but me. Susan had done nothing wrong. The knew I had. They had seen me do unthinkable things. It was only me they claimed to be after. I told Susan they were on our roof. I begged Susan to get the car and pull it to the front door so I could run into it and we could leave for L.A. I was telling her people were on our roof. She thought I was crazy, but she did pull the car up to the front door for me. As soon as I jumped in the car and we were about to pull away, something actually dropped onto the roof of our car - obviously from our roof. I said, "See?" She began to believe that perhaps I wasn't crazy.
The devil was in my head all the way there. I'll never forget as we got out of San Francisco radio station range, we were going up and down hills. Every time we went up, an uplifting song, I can't remember what it was, tuned in on the radio. Every time we went down, AC/DC's Highway to Hell tuned in on the radio. It was a long ride to Southern California. We went to Joshua Tree first. It is in the middle of the desert. We went straight to Skull Rock. The devil, of course, told me that it was him. A few days later, we did get to see one of the last Price is Right tapings with Bob Barker. Like so many things, my use had tainted it. Every time I heard them say "Come on down", well....
The early days of hearing voices were so insane. I had no idea where they were coming from. I still don't. Eventually, it would be my friends and families voices that I would here. They were trying to help me. I know that somehow, they are real. However, eventually, I would determine that it was all from my drug use and would not want to believe they were real, even when I could still here them. I would get so depressed after shooting that drug. It depletes the brain of all "happy" chemicals. My only "answer" was using again. The voices don't really exist in the early lustful, euphoric hours after I do a hit. I still lust for that rush. It feels sooo good. It's orgasmic. That doesn't mean I can do it. Actually, it means I shouldn't.
Before I relapsed this last time, the voices were getting louder. Not nearly as loud as after I use, but louder than normal. I don't mind them. I think someone like me needs them. I think they have the right to turn on me when I relapse or even think about it. They get dark because of my behavior. I did hear the devils voice this last time. I think I need to realize that he'll always be around if I use again. He is so creepy. I do not blame the devil for my actions. I do sometimes believe that evil never gives up on someone like me. I know, however, that God doesn't. That matters the most.
Things were really dark this last time. Enough so, that I don't want to use again - for now. I will want to. I just have to believe and understand that. I am an addict. Based on my track record, I will use again. I can't even believe I ever would. Especially if I have a chance of going to a "never ending" hell - and I believe I do. That is where I was heading if my suicide attempt would have been successful. If I ever had reason to never use again, it was this time. I've always had a lot to lose and I have used and lost it.
I give God credit for my receiving more chances. So many times! I hope I have not taken advantage of God's love. I think I have. No matter what, God wins. I'm sure of that. I just want to be with God.
I'm not sure I will. If I'm not, I want as many people as possible to be. I do care about people. I have no idea how it all works, but I know there is a God and I know God loves us all. God does not love our wrong doings. God should be what God is to everyone - whatever that is. The one thing I know it has to be for everyone is Good Orderly Direction. That's the part I have struggled with because I am an addict.
I write this blog because I want to share all that I have learned. It's confusing, but I tell The Truth so people believe in me. I'm not insane. The voices subtly encourage me when I have been clean for a while. When I consider using, they get hard on me - as they should.
People who have cared about me think that my being okay with hearing voices is not okay. I understand what they mean, but I have learned to accept them. When I told Susan I didn't want to take medication to get rid of the voices, she asked, "Oh, you'd be lonely with out them." It's not really like that but, kind of. Actually, I have been taking an antipsychotic medication for them recently and the voices are very quiet. I do kind of miss them. Yesterday, I saw a commercial on television that if people have taken the medication I am taking and grown female breast to call them. As sick as I am, that would probably turn me on and feed my addiction. I'm pretty sick, huh? I just love.... Stop!
It's so important I don't use for so many reasons. Having my own beautiful apartment in a high rise building, not having to be in an institution or not having to be homeless are the obvious ones. Caring about all that's been done for me by so many amazing people matters to me even more. Caring about the real possibility of my going to a "never ending" hell means the most - to me, on a selfish level.
Caring about young people matters to me too. I know I don't have that many young readers. Perhaps I shouldn't. People have told me they read this to their children. That encourages me. I guess I should be less...whatever I am. Actually I should be "less" whatever I become and then I will be less...whatever I am. I think I'm referring to the sexual addiction that arises from my use. That's nothing to be proud of - I promise you that.
I'm not sure kids believe in someone like me, but if it matters to just one - that matters. Basically, young men out there should not want to grow female breasts - unless they want to be female that is. I don't. I just love.... Stop! Addiction can go so wrong. Please don't start using. If one has started, now is a great time to stop. Asking for help is a great thing. We hit bottom when we stop digging - I'm told. Actually, I do know this is true. I just keep digging. Stop. Please. 30 years of hardcore digging has nearly put me in a "never ending" hell.
Caring about anyone trying to overcome addiction to anything is another reason why I write this. That and I want people to know that there is a God. Whatever that means. It just is. God is the answer to addiction is what I actually mean.
This blog matters to me. Susan and I are still good friends. She tells me this blog feeds my ego. Maybe. However, this blog matters because I believe it helps me stay clean. Some even disagree with that. The Truth about that belief is nothing has really helped me stay clean. God has always been with me and still, I choose to leave God. Ultimately, that beautiful gift God gave us called "Free Will" is why I go to hell on earth and may go to a "never ending" hell. I believe that's what may happen to someone that knows God exists and continues in his bad ways. God also loves us enough to give us so many chances. Believing helps.
This blog matters because I want it to help others. I know that when I disappear, it does matter. Or, I guess, I matter. For that, I'm grateful. People start looking for me. People send the police to check on me. My blog readership increases so much after I do things like relapse, nearly die or try to kill myself. I like increased readership but not like that! I disappear because I end up being high for days without eating, drinking or sleeping. I also disappear for so long because I just don't know how to tell people that I did something I believed I'd never do again. It's always that way. This time - I CAN'T USE AGAIN! I mean that. I always mean that.
The reason this blog matters to me is it is suppose to, first and foremost, matter to God. I believe it will no matter what it means for me. I just hope it will ultimately help it mean something Good for me. I think it will matter most if that is the outcome.
I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
[Verse 1 - Eminem:]
I wanted the fame, but not the cover of Newsweek
Oh, well, guess beggars can't be choosey
Wanted to receive attention for my music
Wanted to be left alone in public. Excuse me
For wanting my cake and eat it too, and wanting it both ways
Fame made me a balloon 'cause my ego inflated
When I blew; see, but it was confusing
'Cause all I wanted to do is be the Bruce Lee of loose leaf
Abused ink, used it as a tool when I blew steam (wooh!)
Hit the lottery, oh wee
With what I gave up to get was bittersweet
It was like winning a used me
Ironic 'cause I think I'm getting so huge I need a shrink
I'm beginning to lose sleep: one sheep, two sheep
Going cuckoo and cooky as Kool Keith
But I'm actually weirder than you think
'Cause I'm
[Hook - Rihanna:]
I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
Well, that's nothing
Well, that's nothing
[Verse 2 - Eminem:]
No, I ain't much of a poet but I know somebody once told me
To seize the moment and don't squander it
'Cause you never know when it all could be over tomorrow
So I keep conjuring, sometimes I wonder where these thoughts spawn from
(Yeah, ponder it, do you want this?
It's no wonder you're losing your mind, the way it wanders)
Yo-lo-lo-lo-yee-whoo
I think you've been wandering off down yonder
And stumbled onto Jeff VanVonderen
'Cause I need an interventionist
To intervene between me and this monster
And save me from myself and all this conflict
'Cause the very thing that I love's killing me and I can't conquer it
My OCD is conking me in the head
Keep knocking, nobody's home, I'm sleepwalking
I'm just relaying what the voice in my head's saying
Don't shoot the messenger, I'm just friends with the
[Hook - Rihanna:]
I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
Well, that's nothing
Well, that's nothing
[Verse 3: Eminem]
Call me crazy, but I had this vision
One day that I'd walk amongst you a regular civilian
But until then drums get killed and I'm coming straight at
MCs, blood get spilled and I
Take it back to the days that I get on a Dre track
Give every kid who got played that
Pumped up feeling and shit to say back
To the kids who played 'em
I ain't here to save the fucking children
But if one kid out of a hundred million
Who are going through a struggle feels and then relates that's great
It's payback, Russell Wilson falling way back
In the draft, turn nothing into something, still can make that
Straw into gold chump, I will spin Rumpelstiltskin in a haystack
Maybe I need a straight jacket, face facts
I am nuts for real, but I'm okay with that
It's nothing, I'm still friends with the
[Hook - Rihanna:]
I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
[x2]
Well, that's nothing
Well, that's nothing
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
[Verse 1 - Eminem:]
I wanted the fame, but not the cover of Newsweek
Oh, well, guess beggars can't be choosey
Wanted to receive attention for my music
Wanted to be left alone in public. Excuse me
For wanting my cake and eat it too, and wanting it both ways
Fame made me a balloon 'cause my ego inflated
When I blew; see, but it was confusing
'Cause all I wanted to do is be the Bruce Lee of loose leaf
Abused ink, used it as a tool when I blew steam (wooh!)
Hit the lottery, oh wee
With what I gave up to get was bittersweet
It was like winning a used me
Ironic 'cause I think I'm getting so huge I need a shrink
I'm beginning to lose sleep: one sheep, two sheep
Going cuckoo and cooky as Kool Keith
But I'm actually weirder than you think
'Cause I'm
[Hook - Rihanna:]
I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
Well, that's nothing
Well, that's nothing
[Verse 2 - Eminem:]
No, I ain't much of a poet but I know somebody once told me
To seize the moment and don't squander it
'Cause you never know when it all could be over tomorrow
So I keep conjuring, sometimes I wonder where these thoughts spawn from
(Yeah, ponder it, do you want this?
It's no wonder you're losing your mind, the way it wanders)
Yo-lo-lo-lo-yee-whoo
I think you've been wandering off down yonder
And stumbled onto Jeff VanVonderen
'Cause I need an interventionist
To intervene between me and this monster
And save me from myself and all this conflict
'Cause the very thing that I love's killing me and I can't conquer it
My OCD is conking me in the head
Keep knocking, nobody's home, I'm sleepwalking
I'm just relaying what the voice in my head's saying
Don't shoot the messenger, I'm just friends with the
[Hook - Rihanna:]
I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
Well, that's nothing
Well, that's nothing
[Verse 3: Eminem]
Call me crazy, but I had this vision
One day that I'd walk amongst you a regular civilian
But until then drums get killed and I'm coming straight at
MCs, blood get spilled and I
Take it back to the days that I get on a Dre track
Give every kid who got played that
Pumped up feeling and shit to say back
To the kids who played 'em
I ain't here to save the fucking children
But if one kid out of a hundred million
Who are going through a struggle feels and then relates that's great
It's payback, Russell Wilson falling way back
In the draft, turn nothing into something, still can make that
Straw into gold chump, I will spin Rumpelstiltskin in a haystack
Maybe I need a straight jacket, face facts
I am nuts for real, but I'm okay with that
It's nothing, I'm still friends with the
[Hook - Rihanna:]
I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
[x2]
Well, that's nothing
Well, that's nothing
No comments:
Post a Comment