Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.
I relapsed. That's The Truth. There is so much more to it. Even more than I expected - and I expected a lot. I complicated a complicated situation. I had so many reasons to never use again. More than I can even understand. And, still, I did. Odds are, I won't stay clean for the rest of my life. I've heard that addicts have about a 5% chance of staying clean. I'm one of the worst. This doesn't mean I ever want to use again. I don't. I have too much to lose. I always have had too much to lose and still, I've lost it. My life....
I'm alive. It's important that I know that. I'm so grateful to be home in Cincinnati with my family. My birthday was hard a couple days ago, but it sure beat the last few. I spent the night of my 40th birthday leaned up against a concrete post holding up the I-80 approach to The Bay Bridge with my pants down. I had diarrhea all night. This birthday was much better. I was with my family.
 |
| It was nice to feel loved. And, I'm too old to continue the insanity! I am "over-the-hill". |
I appreciate so much that has been done for me by so many. I can't tell everyone how much I looked forward to seeing so many. I looked forward to having my dream come true by living in a high rise apartment in San Francisco. I didn't want to go insane and jump off the 26 floor I now live. I knew that wouldn't happen. However, I never thought I would walk 20 miles to a parking garage by The San Francisco Airport and jump either.
 |
| I do love my new place that I earned in such a hard way. It's important that my actions are grateful. |
How could I spend all that time in a hospital and rehab and throw it all away. For the month approaching my "graduation", I had serious cravings. I talked about it. I prayed for it to be lifted. I prayed to die. I knew that was not something I should be praying for. God answered my prayers. Still, I have free will. It's a beautiful gift from God that could send me to hell. It all sounds so insane. It was.
I was so afraid I'd relapse and go to hell on earth and then to a "never ending" hell. Because of that fear, I begged God to take me. I figured dying being a decent person who had asked to be forgiven and believed in God beat dying while in hell on earth. The person I become is.... I can't understand it.
One day, about a week before I relapsed, I was praying to God that I die and wondered what I should do with such ridiculous feelings. I wandered if I should do something that always seems to help - write about it. How could I? I had been so grateful to be alive. Even I didn't understand. Then, I saw a message in the sidewalk telling me to "tell them all". I don't remember the exact words, but I knew what it meant. It meant I should "tell them" by writing about it. I took a photo of the message, but that phone would be stolen. Dark things add to dark things.
(9/25/15 - I finally found them)
The last time I relapsed and ended up in the hospital after trying to kill myself, I had written a blog in which I saw messages telling me "I had a story to tell" and "I had a song to share". I never posted that blog until after I used. I posted it in the first blog I wrote while in the hospital, Ocean Size. Using will always be wrong. Telling The Truth will always be right. I find it to be no accident that I received messages telling me to share The Truth - not use.
It's hard for me to explain. I wondered how I could possibly tell so many who did so much for "my life" that I wanted to die. How could I have said what I wanted to say, but felt it was so wrong.
After I got that message, I clearly remember the one written in the sidewalk that answered the question I had to "What was I to do after feeling so ridiculous about wanting to die?" God had simple answer. "Do Good." I wish I had those photos I took of those messages written in the sidewalk. It seems that "bad" took them. The answer was for me. I shouldn't have used. Perhaps I'll search for them when I get back to San Francisco. I know the area I was walking.
(9/25/15 - I finally found them)
Things would have been so different if I would have stayed clean. I must learn to get through such times. I must "do Good." Now, I want to live. I was so afraid before I used. It is important I live in faith, not fear. It's important I be brave. All's I have heard lately is this Top 40 song on a car commercial during football games telling me to do this. Music will always speak to us. Even Top 40 hits. Especially Top 40 hits - probably.
I have made things so complicated. Now, I want to live. Now, I understand, I was suppose to live. I have to live a Good life. I must. It is Gods Will. My will can be very twisted. If I died today, things will probably not be Good. If I would have died before I relapsed.... I was meant to live for Good. Dying wasn't going to happen. I can't kill myself. I must stay clean for the rest of my life. Using is killing myself in so many ways, even if I am alive. I disappear. So many seem to worry about me and Love me. This matters to me. I mean that. I can't use.
I've felt this way before and ended up using. I always do. I can't. I don't want to be a multimillion dollar waste of life who doesn't make it. It's so much more than that too. So many have done so much. It's amazing to me. I need to be a Good person. I need to be brave.
-1 Corinthians 16:13
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.
Disappearing from so many is so wrong. That dark side is so alluring to me. I risk it all. I had no idea what to say for so long now. Using was the only answer. I had to come home. I knew that was the answer. This blog matters to me. So much matters to me. It's important I say what I want to say.
I should have said it before using. It may have mattered. I can't stop saying what I need to say now. It's not really for me, yet it is. It's for us. It's for God. That matters more than I have ever been able to make sense of.
It is so important I do not return to that darkness and disappear. It's so important that I let the light in and I keep God in my heart. This all means so much more than I've ever been able to make sense of. Yet, it's important I don't make a huge deal of my mistake and that I move forward. I get so confused. It's important I say what I wanna say. I need to be honest and brave. I still want to see all of the many I love while I am in Cincinnati.
All of the dark insanity I went through was supposed to matter to others. Most of all, it's supposed to matter to me. My words were and are suppose to matter. They are to remain The Truth. I need to always say something. I can't disappear. That's obviously not a good thing. I'm just trying to say what I wanna say.
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you.
No comments:
Post a Comment