Falling Slowly

"You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.”  

-Joel Osteen

I love Joel Osteen.  A few years ago Susan was in Boston and he was there signing one of his books.  She waited in line for 2 hours to get one signed for me.  It meant so much to me.  It still does.  My addiction has caused me to lose so much that matters to me. 

Just before I left Wally World, some important things were stolen from me.  My phone which helped me stay connected and keep my appointments.  Also, a very important recovery book written for the 12 step recovery program I choose to be a part of was stolen.  My Recovery Bible that my aunt and uncle bought me also disappeared.   These things were stolen just hours before I left as I was packing my things to leave.  Dark things can add to dark things.  They didn't have to.  I had actually already chosen to make those things something Good for me.  We can do that.  It was certainly not those things being stolen that sent me over the edge.  My bad decision just made those bad decisions by someone else worse.

I had already had another important 12 step recovery book that focused on recovery from alcohol disappear.  It was my dads.  It's loss came from one of my bad decisions to relapse on another one of my many addictions - sex.  It's a long story that doesn't need to be retold.   That book mattered to me.  It had his handwritten notes in it.  Doing the wrong thing ultimately caused me to lose it.  It was my quick exit from the program I was in as a result of my "relapse" that caused me to leave it behind.

I do still have my mothers Bible.  It matters the most.  It still has her handwritten notes in it too.  I'm realizing that no "material" things matters that much, but sometimes certain memories attached to them will.  I also still have that Joel Osteen book. 

I knew I was Falling Slowly back into my old ways a couple of months ago.  I could feel it coming on.  I talked to a lot of people about it.  I wrote about it.  I could have done more.  Ultimately, I could have chosen not to use.  The choice will always be mine.
 
I proved to myself that I could make it through cravings without using in a place in which I could not use.  As soon as I got on my own, I made the wrong choice.  My new place is a place that I cannot use.  I need to always know this.  It's important that I choose not to do so. 
 
Now that I got it out of the way, I don't want to use again.  This doesn't mean that I won't want to use again someday.  I now know this.  If I ever had reason to never use again, it was before my last use. 

I looked so forward to so many things that I still have.  I did lose a very important thing about 3 years ago - a 22 year relationship with someone who did so much for me including save my life.  I'm not sure I even want or deserve another relationship.  I think I just want some of the benefits that come with it and that's not really okay.  Actually, it would seem more than okay - for me.  It would seem good. 
 
I consider myself a lonesome loaner.  I love people, but I want to be on my own.  It's important I be with people.  Even if a relationship were somehow possible for me, I pretty much ended it's possibility by using.  Recovery groups suggest we wait a year until we get involved in one.  I was almost there.  Again, I'm not sure I really want a relationship.  I may just want something I am addicted to in many ways.  I do want more, but....  Maybe not.  I get confused.
 
I have my own place.  I'm sure I'll seek out that natural addiction as a result.  I just hope it doesn't lead me to the nightmare addiction that always causes me to seek it out.  Or, at least make it a solo act. 
 
It's important I don't allow my very big mistake to get the best of me.  It's up to me.  I make my own choices.  I must choose to do things that will help me live as close to "normal" of a life that is possible for a hardcore addict like me.  I just want my own beautiful high rise apartment where I can get up an make coffee and leave my guitar sitting on the guitar stand without worrying it, my phone or my books will disappear.  I want a roof over my head.  I want to see the Golden Gate Bridge every morning as I drink my coffee on my 26th floor porch. 

 
All of these things are still possible, if I make the right choices.  I have suffered enough and warred with myself, it's time that I won.
 
I chose to stop using and come home.  That was a great choice.  Being with my family and friends isn't what I thought it would be but it is a very good thing.  It's actually even better than it should or would have been in many ways.  People have been so nice to me about everything.  Many, especially back in San Francisco have been 'hard' on me about it too.  No harder than I deserve.  It's hard love.  So many know how serious it is for me to use and they are just being caring and honest. 
 
Some of my friends here were glad to see me but said they wanted to, "slap me upside the head."  So many in Cincinnati want me to move here.  I understand in many ways and months ago even considered it.  However, wherever I go, I go with me.  San Francisco is a great city for someone like me.  And, it's so beautiful.  I am a photographer.  Cincinnati is a lot more beautiful than I remember too.  It's cold!  Snow is beautiful though.  It's also slick and dangerous!  I don't have a car and won't unless it makes sense for my being a street artist again someday.  I'm afraid that may not be possible based on how the little moving things around I have done have felt on my back that is full of metal and screws. 

Susan worked so hard to get people out of cars, into carpools, to take transit and choose to ride bicycles.  Like my choice to be vegetarian because of her, I also chose to be a cyclist because of her.  I still hope to be.  I'll find out how possible that is when I get back.  I'm sure it will be to some degree.  Cycling is the best way to get around San Francisco.  It's healthy too.  And, my physical therapist said I could ride a bike.  She said I could not run.   I do miss that.  I really was addicted to running!  That addiction wasn't so bad.  I loved getting that "runners high".
 
I've really complicated matters to such a degree.  Using only complicates matters so much more.  Being homeless is hard.  Being homeless in my physical condition would be detrimental.  There are things I must do throughout the day that will ultimately keep me alive.  I'll leave it at that.  Being homeless would make doing these things hard.  I didn't do them when I was using.  It's so important I don't use if I don't want serious health issues to come about.  They will too.  I've been guaranteed that my a doctor.  It's important I take care of myself.
 
This blog is about me, but it is suppose to be about God.  Using was a bad choice.  I want this blog to help others.  I want my writing to help others.  It was starting to.  I am a writer for Laguna Honda's Hospitals Newspaper, The Voice. The first article was about me and my journey through the hospital.  The next one is about someone like me and his journey through the hospital.  I was only 'away' for about 2 weeks, but those 2 weeks were important to me.  I would have gone to the hospital to update his progress and photos for the article.  I hope that when I get back, to pick up where I need to.
 
I really was Falling Slowly.  I knew it.  I wrote in the last blog how I prayed to die.  I knew that didn't make sense.  I gave God so much credit for my living.  I still do - even more so in some ways.  I no longer pray to die and realize I am suppose to live to do Good.  God can take bad things and make them Good.  God is that amazing.  

I can also give the amazing people at the hospitals and rehab that I was in a lot of credit for my life.  I do believe God works through people.  I intend to give back to those places still.  It matters a lot to me.  I'll never be able to repay the millions of dollars it cost to save me, so I have to help what matters the most to people - people. 

 

I don't know you

But I want you

All the more for that

Words fall through me

And always fool me

And I can't react

And games that never amount

To more than they're meant

Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me

And I can't go back

Moods that take me and erase me

And I'm painted black

You have suffered enough

And warred with yourself

It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You've made it now

Falling slowly sing your melody

I'll sing it loud