Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog: September 2010

“My recovery comes first” is a concept I struggled with over the past few years. It is not that I wanted to continue to use drugs. It was usually that I just wanted to get on with my life, enjoy myself and spend time with Susan – rather than going to rehab and recovery meetings. It seems every time something really bad would happen to me, like an infection or an injury or something that would send me to the emergency room, I would say to myself, “I’ll never use again after that!”

I didn’t use for a while most times. Sometimes I would stay clean by writing this blog, which I believe kept me accountable for my actions. I also worked as a street artist. Doing that is something I truly love. I also found photography as a result of my struggles with addiction. Sharing my photos seemed to help. Addiction certainly caused me to look at the world much differently. I already enjoyed being a tour guide of sorts in life, so photography allowed me to share the things I see - the way I see them. My addiction certainly introduced me to some new places.

I really started to believe in the existence of something beyond my understanding while “out there” in my addiction. In the beginning it was The New World Order. In time, it became God for me. There was just way too much going on out there for there not to be something. I often referred to it as “The Universe.”

When I was first introduced to the program of recovery, I did hear the word “God” a lot and wasn’t to sure what to make of it. It seems I have always believed in God in some way, but I wasn’t going to rehab to find God, I was there to get clean. Well, I never stayed clean long. For me God is an integral part of my recovery - not so much the mystical unknown that I seem to connect with in my active use. In some ways, that may even be some kind of dark force or evil. However, I believe God has a way of using evil in God’s favor. God is pretty amazing in my estimation.

The part of God I struggled with over the years is the “Good Orderly Direction.” When I am using, I am not living life in a “Good Orderly Direction.” I am also not helping others or being available to the ones I love. I believe these things are important to The Universe. When I was really caught up in my addiction, I always thought to myself, I am certain of God’s existence, however I don’t believe in God. Because for me to believe in God meant I would have to live with “Good Orderly Direction,” something I do not do when I am using. For me to believe in God, I have to be clean. When I am clean, I live life in a “Good Orderly Direction.” When I am clean, it is important that I live life with the spiritual principles of honesty, open-mindedness and willingness.

I seem to lose the spiritual connection that the universe really needs when I am using drugs. I seem to be connected with something of a darker nature, which to me wasn’t all bad. I’m not saying I want to go back to those dark days. I believe those days were ultimately getting me to a better place in life. I can certainly appreciate things that I have. I have also developed some skills along the way. I am hard working, creative, resilient and now, appreciative. I also seem to have discovered something beyond my understanding in my addiction. These characteristics don’t necessarily get me anywhere in my active addiction. However, they can be valuable when I am clean. Having this belief in God and living right for a short time has really done so much for me. I’m sure life will only get better as I remain in this place by working my recovery program. Doing so not only helps me stay clean, it helps me live an overall better life.

This is why my recovery has to come first. Without recovery, I have nothing, including life. This was true even when I was, of course, alive. It now seems to have taken on a new severity since I literally stopped breathing 3 months ago and ended up in the ICU for a week. I thought I might write about this event and the past year leading up to my ICU visit, a time period that I didn’t write about in this blog. I’m still not sure that I will, however. The simple truth is that I was in a seriously dark place at times. There were some beautiful times as well and some times that I learned from. However, ultimately the darkness of my crystal meth addiction ruled my life. To me, that drug in a syringe was the ultimate evil.

Throughout the past few years, it seems I was able to hang on to some hope and pray to God many times to get through the darkness. I’ve heard it said, that “if you’re going through hell, keep going.” I kept going. I nearly died. It seems Good will prevail for me. I really did always try to be the best person a crystal meth addict could be. I really did care about people and I really wanted to quit. I really wanted to be successful in life and I really wanted to be there for others – some day. I always wanted to get my life together and then help others.

I now know that recovery allows me to be there for others – including myself. People always told me, you have to do it for yourself. That felt so selfish to me. Being selfish is something I was trying not to be since that is what I am when I choose to use. Sometimes it seems that I had no choice but to use. It is such sick place to be in life. For me, it was the most mind warping, tricky maze to navigate. Hitting the deepest bottom yet gave me an opportunity to become incredibly willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean. I once heard it said that, “you hit bottom when you stopped digging.” Well, I hit many bottoms and kept on digging. So much so that they almost had to start digging for me. This meant that recovery would have to come first. I became willing to put aside everything and do anything to stay clean.

In the past I did not want to go away to rehab. This time, I asked to. In the past my rehab program suggested I go to inpatient. This time they suggested I do outpatient. Apparently they saw a change in me. They saw that I was working a program the day I got there. The ICU event changed everything. I don’t remember being there, but I do remember the days following. They were some of the hardest days of my life – and I’ve had some hard ones. I think the thing that touched my heart the most is my beautiful wife, Susan. It was so hard on her and she was so good to me. I don’t want to get into the ICU story right now, but it was a really hard time for her – probably even harder than it was for me. Once the reality of this sunk in, I told myself it had to end. No matter what – it had to end. Recovery has to come first. Without it, I have nothing.

In the past, I always wanted to get back to work or spend time with Susan. I value these things. Thankfully, I have gotten to spend more time with Susan since it was not necessary for me to go to inpatient rehab as suggested in the past. In fact, she is a part of my recovery. She joins others and me in recovery in many of the activities - activities I avoided in the past because I would have rather spent time with her. She has always been good for my recovery, but she cannot be everything to me. It is not fair to her.

I did decide to put work aside this time, as had always been suggested in the past. In the past I would get about half way through my program and decide I wanted to work a couple of days a week. I usually ended up putting recovery on the back burner and the inevitable would happen.

I have embraced recovery this time around and have managed to even integrate my work into it. There are a lot of creative people in recovery, which has opened up new opportunities for me. I displayed my photography at a clean and sober event last weekend. I have two more such events coming up in the next month and I am also permanently going to display my work at a fixed location where recovery meetings are held.

Next Monday, I get my street artists license back. I’ll probably start working at the end of next week. I would have started earlier, but I have some awesome photo opportunities coming up next week that will not allow me to get back out there and sell on the regular days I plan to sell. I am going back to work because I graduated from my program – which is what this blog was supposed to be about all along! I have entered that program at least ten times. I made it through the first phase, day treatment, at least four times. This means I participated in the IRP phase at least four times. I graduated (or coined out as we call it) from IRP once. Yesterday! I feel good about it, but recovery doesn’t end. It simply changes.

This is the front and back of "the coin" I received for graduating. I put it on my key chain as another reminder to help keep me clean

Actually, I will still be going to my rehab three times a week, one hour a day. I will also go to recovery meetings at least 7 times a week. Still, this is a lot less than before. However, recovery is basically a part of my life now. It has a lot to do with the way I live and the choices I make and the things I do. So even if I will technically only be doing 10 hours of recovery work per week, it will be much, much more if you count the other outside activities I will participate in and the hours upon hours I will spend with others in recovery. With this foundation I have, I also believe that my work will be able to take its place in my recovery program. Work was helpful for me to stay clean in the past. I just have to limit how much I work. Balance is what seemed to be missing. I will have to limit the hours I work going forward. Recovery will always have to come first. If I have to leave my work to get to a recovery meeting, I will.

In fact, this is how I have been living life for the past 81 days. A perfect example is football. Anyone who knows me knows I love it. I was really looking forward to being able to watch football games this year since I have been clean. I saw most of them last year, but I was caught up in my addiction for most of the NFL season. In the past, I have been so caught up in my addiction, that I was nowhere to be found on Sundays. One year, I was in inpatient rehab and could not watch the Bengals play. We have the NFL ticket, so I was really looking forward to being clean and watching the Bengals on Sundays. I had my recovery-meeting schedule set so I could do so. Then, the night before the first game of the year, I was asked to speak at a hospital. My first answer was, “I don’t have enough time clean to do that.” My second thought was, “The Bengals play tomorrow.” However, when the person who asked me to speak said, “No, you would be perfect. You have a great message,” I knew I’d be missing that football game – at least the first half of it. It was just as well, since the Bengals were losing 31 to 3 at half-time! Plus it was a very rewarding experience for me to speak at the hospital. I am really glad I did. I even took my dog, Phil, and everyone loved him!

Tonight, I was watching the Reds game. It was the bottom of the eighth and the Reds and Astros were tied at 2 runs each. If the Reds won, they won the Central Division. I had to leave to go to my first night of Phase 2 rehab at Kaiser. Recovery comes first. The Reds won while I was in rehab, but I got to watch all of the highlights when I got home.

It feels good to have made it this far. I trusted my counselors and others in recovery as to what I should do. I believe I have a pretty strong foundation and will be able to enjoy life and my work once again. I have already enjoyed life more than I have in quite a long time. While in many ways, these past 81 days have been hard; they have been very rewarding and beautiful, too. I always say, “Using is easy, but it makes life so hard. Not using is hard, but it makes life so easy.” This is true, but it seems that not using is becoming easier as time passes. Life is much easier these days by doing the hard work it takes for me not to use. I show up for my recovery every day. I trust my program and those who advise me.

There is a spiritual connection for those in recovery. So many people were there for me in those early, really hard days. Their presence gave me the sense that the hell was over and that I could stay clean. It made me want to be a part of recovery. I always loved the people in recovery, but I struggled at times to feel I belonged. Now I feel I do. I enjoy being a part of my recovery group. Now, I want to give to others what was so freely given to me. I know there is a spiritual connection in recovery programs.

I believe there is a spiritual connection at Kaiser, also. I use to sit in my back room tweaking with the lights off. Susan would be watching T.V. and I would always hear that commercial that said, “Kaiser Permanente, Thrive!”. It seemed this was always where I belonged. The best example of the universe guiding me toward Kaiser was the time we went to L.A. to see the Price is Right. I had recently begun hearing voices. I had talked to the Devil and he was telling me to “come on down” earlier in the week. Finally, the people on my roof were freaking me out too much and I asked Susan to get me out of there. She pulled the car up to the front door. Something fell on our car from our roof and we were off to L.A. Actually she took me to the middle of the dessert – Joshua Tree. On the way down, the devil was in my head the whole time. At one point, we were going up and down hills and the radio station we were listening to kept going in and out. Every time we went downhill, the song, “Highway to Hell” by ACDC would tune in. I can’t remember the song that tuned in when we went uphill, but it had something to do with heaven. So it went back and forth between heaven and hell. When we got there, we ended up at Skull Rock, which was of course the devil to me. We were going to camp but it was hotter than hell. We decided to get a hotel in nearby Palm Springs. I spent a couple of days in a hotel in Palm Springs, while Susan and Willy (our first dog) shopped, then we went to the Price is Right. It was a very crazy few days. On the way home, I was really freaked out about the people on my roof and prayed to God for answers. Just then I looked up and there was a semi truck whose trailer read in huge letters, “Kaiser Permanente – Thrive”. Well, I think I went back to Kaiser after that, but continued to struggle with completely surrendering to the program. I always seemed to pray my way out of a mess, get out, and say “Thanks a lot God; I got it from here.”

Kaiser is a really good program. It is the first of its kind and is literally at the cutting edge of addiction research. I am fortunate enough to attend the very first one ever. They are starting to pop up all over the country. Kaiser is the only outpatient program in the state that a person can collect disability for attending. They really seem to understand addiction and have sympathy for addicts. They treat it like a disease and are even able to convince the ones who actually have the disease that it is just that. As addicts we tend to be harder on ourselves than anyone. They teach us how to treat the disease. I am very grateful for Kaiser.

I have been in and out of that program a lot over the years. This time, I did everything that was suggested - no questions. My first time through Kaiser, I collected disability. All the other times, I did not since I am self-employed. I always used to think, “Why do I have to get these slips signed to prove I am going to meetings?” I would only be fooling myself if I weren’t. Or, I also thought to myself, “Why do I have to get drug tested?” I would only be hurting myself if I lied about this. I always understood why, but being an addict, I seem to have a natural rebelliousness about me. Or, sometimes I just didn’t feel like going to a meeting. This time I went even if I didn’t feel like it. This time I got my slipped signed. I went to two meetings a day – every day. There were two occasions when I couldn’t make it to two meetings per day, so I went to 3 the day before. Regardless, I went to 14 a week as required to collect disability, even though I haven’t been collecting disability. It’s what was asked of me. I was never asked to show my slip however. I simply told myself this time around that it was like a quarter of school. I had done that before. It was an investment in my future.

All of my slips from this time around

I graduated yesterday. I got to sleep in for the first time in two and a half months this morning. It felt nice. I had to go to the bank to deposit a check, so I decided I would walk Phil downtown with me. It was a hot and beautiful day in San Francisco. I ended up spending the day walking around the city, taking photos and meeting a friend (from recovery) in North Beach for lunch. I even went shopping and bought Phil his Halloween costume. I really felt good today. The best part was when I went to Kaiser tonight and was asked the question by the lady behind the counter, “Are you here for Phase 2?” I got to reply, “Yes”.