Desperado

I don't have much to say.  I think when I don't write, it is pretty obvious that I am struggling.  When I am struggling, I am using.  So many people have helped me, cared about me and loved me when I was not helping, caring about or loving myself.  It's amazing that I continue to use.  I should be dead.

I am alive.  For that I need to be grateful.  If I keep using, I will lose everything.  Suicide is not really an option for me anymore.  It was WRONG.  This doesn't mean death isn't very possible.  I went to the emergency room a couple of weeks ago.  I knew I shouldn't have done what got me there.  I didn't want to die.  I still used.  Being alive and "walking through this world alone" sure wouldn't be something that I would be able to believe in, but if I continue to use and isolate, that's likely what it will be.  I really can't use.  I am not suppose to give up on people who care about me.  I am supposed to be with people and stop telling people I'm wrong.   I knew that a long time ago.  If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.  I don't need to say it.  I need to know it.  I know it.  I just can't be wrong.  If am not wrong, I won't be wrong so I will have no reason to say I'm wrong.

I will admit that I do continue to do some recovery.  It does help.  So many have cared about someone like me and I have no idea why.  It might be a God thing.  God cares about people who care about people.  God doesn't care about the things I do when I am using.  After all, why would God care about something that is not Good.  I'm not saying God doesn't care about me.  God just doesn't care about the bad things I do.  No one does.  It doesn't mean God and people are not compassionate.  It's up to me to believe in God and all of the people who have cared about me.  Saving my life a couple of times is a pretty big deal.  If I stay with God, God will stay with me. 

Self pity is not a good thing and I know that. I just feel bad for doing the bad things I do.  I need to let go.  Let go and let God.  While this may not be hard for many, it is for me.   Using should not be an option, but it is.  I have been given so many amazing and beautiful things.  Things I always dreamed of having.  One of those things is life itself.  It's important I be grateful for what I have.  Otherwise, "(my) prison will be walking through this world all alone."  Or, death.  I don't even want to imagine that....  Using was not that hard.  Using will never be good for me.  I was always suppose to know that.  I can't keep using.  People have even tried to suggest that I be with people who care about me.   No one wants me to be with myself all the time. 

When I use, I don't keep my word.  I lie.  The Truth will always matter.  All's I have to do is stop caring about myself, which is also all I need to do.  It's not just hard on me, it's hard on those who have cared about me.  I hope to care about others some day, especially those who have cared about me.  Just showing up and keeping my word shows I care.  If I continue to use....

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
The queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom, well that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late