When I Was Your Man

“If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph:

THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD WAS MUSIC”  

― Kurt Vonnegut


My days at Wally World are numbered.  Everything that was suppose to fall into place, is.  I am very grateful for that.  I am also grateful that my cousin comes to town tomorrow.  I put in for a weekend pass.  We will be staying at The Union Square Hilton.  Those high rise buildings (there are three) always remind me of my dad.  One of them is very tall.  It can be seen from far away.  I could see it every time I walked Phil in our neighborhood.  My dad, my stepmother and my two little brothers stayed there when they came out to visit us about a year after we moved here. 

Things were pretty good back then.  The Hilton was one of my clients when I worked at The San Francisco Chronicle.  The marketing person who was my client gave them a suite for the price of a regular room.  Talk about luxurious! 

It was an amazing trip, but my dads health was starting to decline.  I'll never forget when he went to sit on his portable seat he carried with him.  It flew out from under him and he hit the ground very hard.  I can see the pain on his face and hear his pain - still.  I had never seen him so helpless seeming.  It occurred to me that he may not be around much longer.  This was hard for me to consider.  Both my parents would be gone.  I do wish I would have done things differently, but it is the past.  It was a great visit.  I got to be the tour guide I love to be.

I still have my wonderful stepmother.  And, my aunts mean a lot to me too!  My cousin who is coming out is my stepmothers niece.  I really look forward to seeing her.  It's been a long time since I've seen my family.  It's been a long time since I have gotten to play tour guide.  I love playing tour guide in the beautiful city.  It will also give me an opportunity to take photos!  That is so important to my recovery.

I actually am only allowed to stay with her one night.  I have to come back to Wally World Sunday night at 10:00.  I can then get up and meet her again Monday morning.  She heads to Portland Monday afternoon.  It's ridiculous, but I didn't argue.  All's I will miss is a night of sleeping in The Hilton.  I can handle that since I will be living in my own high rise building Wednesday night!  Talk about luxury!  Talk about gratitude.  I have been trying to do all I can for God and my dreams are coming true.  It's important I stay with God.  God is so amazing.

It has been a very emotional time for me lately.  My cravings were incredibly strong recently.  I've prayed so hard for them to be lifted.  In many ways, they have.  I have a lot to look forward to AND stay clean for.  One of the many is my trip to Cincinnati.  That really helps me want to stay clean.  Using would complicate things to such a degree....  I can't even imagine it.  Well, I can, but it would not be a good thing.

Speaking of strong emotions, I sure had some a couple of days ago.  Going to my storage unit always creates very strong emotions for me.  It always takes me back to 11 years ago when Susan and I pulled up in our 27 foot U-Haul towing my black 99 GT 5.0, 5 speed Ford Mustang.  I loved that car.  Susan and I had our beagle, Willy with us.  We loved that dog.  I was so excited to have gotten my dream job in my dream city.  San Francisco is the dream city in which I proposed to Susan and we honeymooned and visited so many times before I decided we needed to move here.  I loved visiting, but I knew living here would be so much different.  Boy, was I ever right! 

Susan  was wearing what she wore so often - a hippie dress and Birkenstocks.  I remember that day so clearly.  I loved that woman.  I still love all of those things I just mentioned loving.  I know we are over.  That's a fact.  I want her to be happy with her new husband.  I still wish I would have been so much more to her ALL the time.  It hurts me to this day that I was gone from her for so many days.  So many.

A couple of days ago, I had gotten off the bus and was walking to this huge U-Haul building that can be seen from a long way away.  I was going to meet my social worker and the bed bug inspector who needed to make sure my stuff was bug free before I moved into my luxurious high rise.  Susan left me so many things in that storage unit.  One of the things is a pretty new double bed.  It has been in there two years since she has moved, but they still needed a dog to sniff it for me.  She told me that the inspector would be bringing a beagle. 

Beagles do have good sniffers.  Willy never stopped sniffing.  Willy never gave up searching for something to eat.  He even experienced something called "nasal deafness".  Basically, when he smelled something, he'd go for it and couldn't hear us call for him to "stop!"  He was a great dog.

That building contains so many of our things from 11 years ago that are in many ways frozen in time.  As I was walking up that building, I was nearly in tears as usual just thinking about that that day we pulled in and all I lost.  I thought about how much I wished I would have been a better man to her.  That woman was so good to me.  She did so much for me.  She even saved my life.  I put her through hell.  All's  she ever said I owed her was "dance lessons".  If I would have stayed clean, I would have.  This hurts me to this day.  I wish I could have. 

Now I all I can hope for is that her new husband does everything she deserves, including dance lessons.  Actually, when I was homeless and using on the street, she took them by herself.  She does what she says she's going to do.  I can't say the same for me.  I hope to from now on.  I just want her to be happy.  She deserves everything she's ever wanted.  And, she does seem to be getting them.

One thing I can never deny is how the Universe communicates with me.  It has always written a message in concrete just as I need to hear it or put a song on the radio at the perfectly appropriate time.  Lately, I've been listening to pop radio stations.  I'm embarrassed, but many of these songs do manage to speak to me with their lyrics.  As I walked up to that building with my headset on, this song came on:

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio but it don't sound the same
When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down
'Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should've bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should've gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should've bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should've gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

Although it hurts
I'll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I'm probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know

I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man

Home

The days I have been waiting for are fast approaching.  I'm going home.  In more ways than one.  I move into my new high rise apartment in exactly one week - assuming everything goes as planned. 

One thing is going as planned - this blog is current.  I will publish this one right after I write it.  I haven't done that since I wrote my blog in the hospital. 

I didn't realize at the time that I wanted it to be current just how much it would matter to me.  I just wanted it current.  I didn't think that my cravings would be as strong as they have been.  Having my own place and freedom is a beautiful thing.  It may also be a dangerous thing.  Using would be SO bad. 

I am learning that my cravings do pass.  I never want to use again - most of the time.  I can't use again.  I just can't.  I don't really want to focus on that right now since I really am not craving using.  I haven't for the past couple of days.  They will return though.  For now, this blog is current.  Just as I planned.

The other thing that went as planned is my bedbug inspection.  I met my social worker and the bedbug inspector and his dog at my storage unit.  I figured it would be okay, but I did live in a cockroach infected SRO until January 15th.  He said that they wouldn't live more than 3 months, but we let the dog sniff around and get her treats anyway. 

I can't believe I'm going to have a home.  A real home.  With a my own bathroom and kitchen.  And, an amazing view from my 26th floor balcony.  I'm so amazed.  I do wish I was facing the financial district and all of the high rises and that I could see the sunrise, but I can't complain.  I have settle for seeing Twin Peaks, The Golden Gate Bride and the sunset.  I'm so amazed.  Didn't I just say that?  I'm just so amazed.

Not only do I get my own home, I actually get to go HOME.  To my real home.  This brings tears to my eyes.  I haven't been home to see my family and friends for 3 years.  There were moments of those past 3 years when I believed I never would see my real home again.  I almost didn't. 

I look forward to seeing and photographing this beautiful city - again!

For the past few months, I've been anticipating this moment, when I actually do get to go home.  I was planning to go home in February of this year but a relapse a few months before made sure that didn't happen.  It nearly made sure this future visit didn't happen. 

Every time I take a walk through the Golden Gate Park panhandle every day, I listen do some Daughtry songs.  Susan burned them onto my music hard drive.  I never really listened to him, until now.  She must have when I was "gone".  This song about going home always touches me. 
So many people in Cincinnati have been so good to me.  It does seem like the more I think about this, the slower time seems to go. 

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

I should be grateful for having any and all time.  I don't always understand why I have been so loved either.  I guess it's no accident my home in Cincinnati is a little town/suburb called Loveland.

I must admit, learning my stepmother purchased me a plane ticket helped curve my cravings.  My head had been romanticizing having a needle in my arm with own place to bring a horny little tweaker chick to quite a bit recently.  Doing such a thing would make that trip home very difficult, if not impossible.  I just need to stay clean forever.  That's a fact.  I was going to say that I can't believe I'm having cravings to use again, but that would be ridiculous.  My cravings to use ALWAYS return.  I have had so many reasons to "never use again", yet I always have.  As a result, I've lost so much. 

I've nearly lost my life many times.  This last time was the most severe.  I've heard voices when coming down from shooting meth for years, but it got so dark this time.  I was literally dealing with the devil.    Walking to and then jumping off the rooftop of a parking garage next to San Francisco International Airport was insane.  Using makes me insane.  I can't use.

I have so much to be grateful for and look forward to.  I'll be home for the holidays!  It's been three years since I've done that.  That last two Christmas Days, I was miserable.  I spent one at Golden Gate Beach doing as much speed as I was able to panhandle for.  People were very generous when I panhandled on Christmas Eve. I wanted to do so much so it would feel as Christmas didn't even happen.  That was still a hard day.  I can feel and recall it to this day. 

This year will be different.  It has to be.  It will be.  I'm going home.  The Bengals are doing good!  I'm such a die hard Bengals fan.  Susan bought me season tickets for my birthday one year.  It was the first year of Paul Brown Stadium.  We went for a few years and moved a little closer to the field each year.  I then moved us to San Francisco.  I would eventually become a hardcore addict who was rarely "present".  She kept the season tickets and would sell them to our friends each year.  Now, her and her new husband use them.  I find this to be so...  my fault.  Susan is also a diehard fan.  Her husband seem like a nice person.  Still, those tickets were my birthday present! 

If I would have found a way to stay clean....  That's just not the way things turned out. 

How did I get into all of that?  See how this mind works?  It's my reality I guess.  Still, I'm going home!  In more ways than one!  I get a home - with a kitchen and a bathroom and a 26th floor balcony.  I get to see my brothers soon!  And all my family and all my friends!  It's been so long. 

I have been so absent to so many over the years.  Still, when I choose to come back into peoples lives, the embrace me with so much love.  I don't have the words to describe how much this means to me. 

I'm so grateful to so many of you.  God works through so many people.  I love them for that.  God gave Susan everything she ever wanted.  She always wanted a good husband.  Susan never wanted to be pregnant and bring another child into this world.  She wanted to adopt a child.  She felt so many kids need homes.  She also wanted someone to be with her when she gets old.  She now has her own child to be with her.  She wanted a HOME - in Cincinnati.  She just bought one. 

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.

She never wanted to be pregnant, but I know she loves that little girl.  She will be the greatest mother ever.  I know this from experience.  So does both of our dogs we had!  She is still that great mother to Phil!

God gives Good people Good things, even if they don't believe in God.  I thinks it's more important to be a Godly person than it is to believe in God.  Knowing God exists and doing ungodly things lands a person in hell.  I know this from believing in God and doing bad things and then being in hell on earth.  However, it may have been my believing that continued my chances to be with God - forever.  More bad choices could land me in a "never ending" hell.

Let's not go there!  Let's go somewhere that means so much to0 me! 

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.

I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.

 

 

As hard as things have been, I really don't regret this life.  I know so many amazing and beautiful things as a result of this insane life.  I do regret some of the things I've lost, but not this life.  It is amazing.

 

Oh, by the way, I'll be home on December 5th.  I'll stay hone until January 9th!  That means I'll be home for my birthday which is on December 7th!  The last three birthdays have been hell.  Literally.  My 40th birthday was spent leaning up against a concrete post holding up the I-80 approach to The Bay Bridge having diarrhea all night long.  I was so sick an so miserable.  I believe this birthday will be much better.  Just being clean will assure that.

 

It's very important I remember just how miserable things become when I use.  A week from today, I'll have my own home.  To this addict, that means I could have that lustful rush shoot through my veins.  And then, "her"!  Hell will follow.  I must always know that.

 

 

I really do look forward to coming home.  It's this that will help me stay clean.  That and all the recovery meetings I will attend.  And, all my amazing friends and San Francisco who support me.  And, my band - The Alanos!  I have so many reasons to never use again.  It's so important I remember this.  Right now, the biggest and best reason is, I'm going home!

 

 

 

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

Won't Back Down

(I wrote this blog 10/31/13)

"Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."

-Harriet Beecher Stowe

Reading all my old blogs is very important to me right now.  I'll have my own place in about 2 1/2 weeks.  I'm so grateful.  However, I've never wanted to stick a needle in my arm this bad since I tried to kill myself.  What is wrong with me?  I guess I'm an addict.  I fear having my new place.  It is on the 26th floor.  I am so grateful to have it, but I really hope I don't use.

I don't know how to explain this, but I don't think I'd jump if I were to use.  I still can't use.  The parallel Universe I enter is way to complicated to explain.  It's way to complicated to understand.

I really didn't expect cravings to return this time but they have.  In the past, I've always had a life threatening or horrible situation occur and then cleaned up.  Last time, before I relapsed, I was divorced and became homeless.  That was the "horrible situation" I just mentioned. 

After these occurrences that have cleaned me up, I eventually start craving to use again.  Every time they start, I eventually use.  I have way too much to lose - including my life.  I'm not try to write myself off in a relapse, but relapsing should not be an option.

I hope that I am learning that I can make it through these cravings without using.  I don't want to leave Wally World and use.  I just fantasize about using once I have my own place.  I do all I can to "change the channel" when those thoughts enter my mind.  I can't help it sometimes.  It is very sexually related.  For months, I didn't even crave sex.  For the past couple, I have.  Now, I crave what makes it so lustful.

Craving sex ultimately led me to using last time.  It's not as if I wouldn't like a normal relationship someday, but sex would not be what I am ultimately after.  I relationship would be nice.  So would sex!  Maybe just plain old sex without a needle would be good.  I know it would be good, but....  I'm really confused.

I've been praying so hard to God.  Odd's are against me.  They are against every addict.  I feel I am one of the worst.

These past few days have been really hard.  Transcribing my blog has helped.  I was not having these cravings a couple of months ago.  My blog writing became less frequent for many reasons.  Some good.  I was no longer depressed and miserable. 

I think it is important this blog get current now.  So many of you mean so much to me.  So many at Wally World do.  My recovery friends matter.  My Family matters.  My band matters!  So much matters.  My blog readership is picking up again.  I got over 2000 hits last month.  Lately, I've been averaging 100 day lately. 

That tells me it matters.  I need to know that.  God matters.  That will always be true, whether I exist or not.  I hope I do.  "Well I won't back down"

Well I won't back down, no I won't back down
You could stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won't back down

 Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won't back down

Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won't back down
No, I won't back down 

James Dean

(I wrote this blog 10/25/13)

I just found out yet another person from Christian Choas (CityTeam) died.  "James Dean" was a good friend.  He was there for me while I was in the hospital.  The last time we talked, he was in a homeless shelter.  I know he was struggling with alcohol.  I assume he lost his battle to this horrible, evil disease.  I'll learn more soon.  This hurts.

He really was a good guy.  He always had something clever to say.  He had a very dry sense of humor.  He really did seem to care.  He would say it how he saw it.  He, like me was a talker.  I was a talker even more so when I was at Christian Chaos.  He would always correct me when I interrupted him.  I actually appreciated it.  He was a good friend.  We both talked to much. 

I learned this from Surfer Dude.  Surfer Dude had disappeared, until yesterday.  He and I were on the same bus.  I didn't see him until we got off.  He chased me down.  He is at a recovery place on Haight Street.  It is probably less than a half a mile from Wally World. 

It was great to see him. We exchanged numbers.  He is the one who left me a message and text me the info.  I called Sam Malone and texted him also.  Sam Malone was also with us at Christian Chaos and was there for me when I was in the hospital.  I have spoken to him since I've been at Wally World. 

(11/4/13 - I never heard from Sam Malone.  Diablo works at the church I attend.  He told me Sam Malone is now living under a bridge.  I also learned that James Dean was buried in Merced last week.  Addiction is such a terrible disease.  It's important I understand this.)

I'm glad Surfer Dude is okay.  I'm glad Surfer Dude and I ran into each other yesterday.  Unfortunately, it allowed me to get this news.  Surfer Dude also text this to me:

"God has us no matter what David.  (James Dean) was meant to go.  You weren't.  Don't give up the good fight."

I responded:

"Thanks (Surfer Dude),  That means a lot to me.  I love you brother."



Surfer Dude was there for me.  He and James Dean were. 

James Dean really was a good person.  Still, "You were the lowdown rebel if there ever was."  He really was.  He was just too cool!  Goodbye my brother.  May our souls meet again some day.

He really was a "cool" guy!

I called him James Dean for a reason.  He really was a James Dean character.  This song is perfect for him.  "You were too fast to live, too young to die, bye-bye."

James Dean, James Dean
I know just what you mean
James Dean, you said it all so clean
And I know my life would look allright
If I could see it on the silver screen

You were the lowdown rebel if there ever was
Even if you had no cause
James Dean, you said it all so clean
And I know my life would look all right
If I could see it on the silver screen

We'll talk about a low-down bad refrigerator,
You were just too cool for school
Sock hop, soda pop, basketball and auto shop,
The only thing that got you off was breakin' all the rules
James Dean, James Dean
So hungry and so lean
James Dean, you said it all so clean
And I know my life would look all right
If I could see it on the silver screen

Little James Dean, up on the screen
Wond'rin' who he might be
Along came a Spyder and picked up a rider
And took him down the road to eternity

James Dean, James Dean, you bought it sight unseen

You were too fast to live, too young to die, bye-bye
You were to fast to live, too young to die, bye-bye
Bye-bye, Bye-bye, Bye-bye, Bye, bye 

 

Moving on up

(I wrote this blog 10/22/13.)

This amazing day just got better.  I got my housing today!  I am so excited.  Not only did I get my housing.  I got my housing on Market Street.  I got my housing on the 26^th floor of Fox Plaza!  Talk about a dream come true.  A couple of weeks ago, when asked if I was apposed to high rise living, I said, “I’d love high rise living!”  I never dreamed I’d get it.  And, I never dreamed it would be that high!

 

 

It may not be very big, but it is huge to me.  I've had either no space or small shared spaces for the past 3 years.  Or, large shared spaces with lots of people surrounding me.  Or, a cardboard box on the sidewalk.  Talk about "Movin on up!"

I had recently thought that Fox Plaza might be interesting to live in.  Like so many other places in San Francisco, it has a “twisted” history to it for me.  The first time I ever shot up with that prostitute she took me to her friends house on an upper floor of that building.  They recorded it with their computer camera.  Those days are over.  Many times when I see that building, it does remind me of that day.  That was 9 years ago.   I’m all about creating new memories!

I shouldn’t go there.  It’s just where I once was.  Yesterday, on Facebook, a really good friend who has done so much for me suggested I should consider “setting boundaries” to my postings.  He felt that blogging was one thing, but putting it on Facebook was another.  He’s not the first to say this to me lately.  I have recently been putting some pretty hardcore “quotes” above my postings.  It was an attempt to get people to read it.  It may be working.  Readership is up quite a bit.  I got so many comments of support after his suggestion.  This man has done so much for me and was not saying anything bad, but so many showed support for all that I write.

It is The Truth.  It is “hard to read” as someone said.  It was even harder to live.  I’m a couple of months behind in my publishing since I am in this program, but I always hoped things would get better.  Most of the hardcore stuff is over when I am writing about the past.  A couple of months ago, I had to get some blood work done and it really took me back to my days of shooting up.  I wrote about it and quoted it.  That will probably still happen, but I hope what people see is what I always believed would happen, thanks to God.  I hope they see my life improve and my spirits lifted.

God really is amazing.  That is afterall, what this blog is about – even when I tell my hard Truths.  The Truth is The Truth.  I must live by it.

My life is getting so wonderful.  Laguna Honda is using my photographs.  They use them in their paper and in their Year End Report.  They are even getting ready to post my writing about my journey into, thorough and out of the hospital.

Front page too!

 

It was suggested by one of my favorite staff members at Laguna Honda that I model my writing about myself for others who are in the hospital.  I have .  I met this man about a month ago who got their the same way I did.  He was using, climbed up 4 stories and “fell”.  It happened on Minna Street between 6^th and 7^th – exactly where Susan and I lived for 9 years.  This man is an artist.  He’s cheated death so many times.  He has seen “the other side” on one of his dances with death.  He and I have so much in common.  I really do believe that my honesty mattered a lot to him.  I leave it at that.

Today was a pumpkin patch festival at Laguna Honda.  I was so happy today.  And then I found out I’d be living on the 26^th floor of Fox Plaza!  It  too might help me stay clean.  I know I would not survive a 26 story jump!  26^th floor – 2 floors from the penthouse!  I’ve forgotten about that shooting up there already!  I sure shot up a lot more at my place eventually and I liked living there. 

Now, I hope I get on the North East side that faces the financial district.  If I get on the other, I’ll face The Civic Center and see the sunsets.  I’m so grateful. 
 



I am facing the other way.  I do wish I were on the other side facing the city, but I sure can't complain about the views.  And, I get to see the sunset too.  I am so grateful to have this beautiful place.

I have been praying to God a lot lately.  I was just happy to get a place with a kitchen and a bathroom!  This place has that and a 26^th floor balcony!  They cost people $2200 per month!  It cost me a lot more and many ways, but I got it now.  When I asked how long I can stay there, I was told “The rest of your life!”  I may!  I am so happy!  Perhaps I should quote this part. I told my friend I’d try to stick to positive quotes of Facebook.  What a beautiful day God.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you!

I got my housing! I'll be living on the 26th floor of Fox Plaza!  I knew if I kept doing the right thing, Good things would happen.  I am so grateful.  I've always dreamed of living in a high rise.  This is truly a dream come true.  I always knew a better life would start showing up again, but I'm getting more than I ever dreamed.   This city is so amazing.  It really cares.  God works through so many.  Thank you everyone. Thank you God.

 

Well we're movin on up,
To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up,
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.


Fish don't fry in the kitchen;
Beans don't burn on the grill.
Took a whole lotta tryin',
Just to get up that hill.
Now we're up in the big leagues,
Gettin' our turn at bat.
As long as we live, it's you and me baby,
There ain't nothin wrong with that.


Well we're movin on up,
To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up,
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.

Rise Above This

(I wrote this blog 10/15/13)

I’ve been transcribing so much of my blog today. I’m doing all I can to get caught up. I’m a little confused. I have written so much so many ways. I haven’t really written that much lately. I’ve been pretty busy. I’ve not been too miserable either.
I really did settle into this zoo. Now, I’m ready to settle out of it. I’m tired of some of the ghetto run meetings. They just don’t fit me. I like the staff member who runs the ones I am speaking of, but they are pretty ghetto. So is he.

I am grateful for this place, but I still want out. Hopefully, in one month I will be out. I’m supposed to exit on November 15^th. I’m hopeful, but I won’t be surprised if it is delayed some. I’ve been accepted into West Bay Housing. Now, they just have to find me a place. I hope they find my one in my old hood – SoMa. The Haight Ashbury is cool, but it feels way to much like a neighborhood. I like living in THE CITY! I love being surrounded my skyscrapers. I like SoMa, because high rises are going up everywhere!  I like one way streets that have 5 lanes. I like people everywhere. I like subways. I like the city. West Bay Housing asked if I would be opposed to living in a high rise. “NO!” In fact, I’d love to.

(11/7/13 - I said "I'd love to!" and, now I am.  Living in a high rise is a lifelong dream come true.  I never dreamed it would come like this, but God works in so many amazing ways.  I was in the neighborhood yesterday and took this with my phone of my new high rise!   Mine's the finished one in the middle.  I said, "...high rises are going up everywhere."  I'm also between 2 subway stations.  And, there are streetcars above 2 underground trains, BART and Muni.  Market Street is the main street in San Francisco.  It  has lots of busses that go everywhere.  And it has bike lanes!  I hope to become the avid cyclist I was before my incident.  Transportation is very important to me.  And, I love trains.  I'd prefer being on my bike though.  I like looking at trains.  I'm a dork.)

I hope am out of here in a month. (11/7/13 - November 20th is my exit date.)  I hope this blog gets current by then too. (11/7/13 - I only have about 3 more to get caught up.)  I like going back and seeing where I was, but I also like publishing blogs that are current.

Hoping I get out of here in a month means I will have two reasons to be happy. Well, actually more, but on November 15^th, I’ll have 10 months clean. That means that today, October 15^th, I have 9 months clean. That means a lot since I have never been able to stay clean this long since I was 12 years old. The longest I had before this was 7 ½ months. That was last year. Before that, the longest I could get was 4 ½ months. Progress. 

I lost more every time. Hopefully, I won’t have to lose anything else. I hate to say it, but if I ever relapse I will likely lose my life. I figured as much last year when I wrote this blog. I never dreamed it would be me who tried to kill me, I just figured I wouldn’t make it. Now, I know I pick up where I left off.  I don't understand it, but I have to know it. 

I hope I stay clean. Unbelievably, I’ve had some cravings to shoot up lately. I guess I’m an addict.   The thing about me is, my cravings always come back after a period of time in which "I'll never use again."  I always have used again. I really do feel as though "I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this."  I’m an addict who has been clean for 9 months!  I really have to get it right this time.  See why this thing needs to be current?  I hope I get to publish this. I will. 

(11/7/13 - I do get to publish it.  For that I am grateful.  I can make this a little current.  My cravings have shot through the roof recently.  I've let it be known to so many, especially God.  When my cravings started, I was being kept up all night.  I was having a warming sensation in my chest and breathing heavy just thinking about it.  My mind was romanticizing a hit and the rush while living in my own beautiful high rise.  It's important I never use.  For so many reasons.  I think some are obvious.  I'll leave it at that.  Everyone's support has really made a difference.  I'm pretty needy!  I to tend to, "Call your name every day, when I feel so helpless.  I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this")

I suggest cranking this one up!  I love these guys.  I've listened to this one a lot lately.  It just really speaks to the way I feel.  I love music.  It is my soul....

 

Take the light, and darken everything around me
Call the clowns and listen closely, I'm lost without you

Call your name every day when I feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but I'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when I feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when I seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

 I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when I feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that I'm feelin' helpless
I'm fallin' down, fallin down', but I'll rise above this, rise above this, rise above this, rise above this doubt

So Many Roads

(I wrote this blog 10/11/13)

What should I do?  Transcribe?  Post?  Write?  Obviously, I chose to write - a little.  I promise.  Actually, I don't write near as much as I used to.  I don't really need to.  Life has been pretty good.  Oh, except for just now!  I walked into the Haight Ashbury Libraries bathroom and there was a syringe cap full of water.  That's exactly the way I used to get the water into my needle.  I grabbed it so fast and through it towards the garbage, but missed.  It flew across the room.  I hate seeing those reminders.  They still make me want to shoot up - after all I've been through.

I love this city but it is tough as an addict.  It is also the best place to be as an addict.  There are so many services.  I just left The Haight Ashbury Free Clinic.  They are so nice.  I was there for a follow up from my trip to General Hospital.  Apparently my liver enzymes and my pancreas "whatever" levels were high.  I have no idea why.  (11/6/13 - It turns out I had Pancreatitis.)

The strangest and coolest things have happened with my canes the past couple of days.  Now that I can go without one sometimes, I tend to walk off without them.  Two days ago, I left my cane in the dining area.  I knew it was somewhere at Wally World, but did not know where.  Yesterday morning, I announced over the intercom system that I misplaced it.  I never heard anything.  In the afternoon, right before I was getting ready to go to Haight Ashbury Free Clinic yesterday, I was asking people at the front desk.  Back in the office, the Chief Chef who works there overheard me and said, "Did you lose a black cane?"  I said, "Yeah, a collapsible!"  He had found it and put it in the office.

I was needing to get to my appointment and was cutting it close because the lady who needed me to "buddy" her to her appointment there was holding me up.  Let's call her "Sweetie Girl".  I put the collapsible cane in my bag and took the wood one.  While at The Haight Ashbury Free Clinic, we sat in the waiting room while they renewed my Healthy San Francisco.  The doctor was too busy to see me, but could the next day - today.  Sweetie Girl had her appointment at 2:40.  She asked if I would go across the street and get her a candy bar.  I did.  After being back for a while, just before we were getting ready to leave, I could not find my cane.  I looked around and - nowhere!

I went across the street and checked the store where I bought her candy bar and it was not there.  I went back and looked around the waiting area and could not find it.  As I was walking out, one of the nurses said, "Didn't you come in with a cane?"  I told him I did, but could not find it.  I told him I'd be back the next day, today.  He said he'd look for it and give it to me if he found it.  Sweetie Girl thought it was her fault because she asked me to get her a candy bar.  I told her it was my fault for losing it.

Today, I went and sat in the waiting area waiting for my appointment.  I sat in the same seat because there was an outlet for me to charge my phone.  After being their for about 30 minutes, I was called into the exam area.  I reached over to grab my cane and as I had it in my hand, I realized it was the wood cane I lost yesterday!  I guess it was sitting there the whole time!  It was so strange.  I even told the nurse and he said he never saw it either. 

I couldn't wait to get back to Wally World and tell Sweetie Girl.  Then, as I was getting ready to leave, I saw another guy from Wally World.  He asked, "what is this place?"  I told him, "It is The Haight Ashbury Free Clinic."  I asked what he was doing and he said he was being Sweetie Girl's buddy and she had to go to the bathroom, so they came up there.  As soon as she came out, I held it up her showed her.  She was so happy.  So was I.

I lose things all the time, but they seem to keep showing back up.  It's strange.  It's good.

Another good thing is my housing.  I finally met with West Bay Housing and have been excepted into the program.  Now, they just have to find my a place.  I told my worker that I really wanted to live back down in SoMa.  I love that neighborhood.  I was down there this morning at another doctor appointment and it just felt so good.  It is so urban and so hustle bustle!  It is South of Market Street.  That's why it is called SoMa.  The blocks are bigger and it is an area that has some room for skyscrapers to go up.  The financial district is packed and the blocks are a little smaller.  It just feels different.  The grid of the streets change at Market Street too.  I'm sure it's confusing to visitors.  Other than that, this city is pretty much a grid - even over the big hills.

See how the grid changes at Market Street.  Also, see how the blocks get bigger.  There are alleyways between many.  This is true for the streets North of Market also.  Susan and I lived on an alley between 6th and 7th Streets and Mission and Howard Streets.  I will soon live on the corner of Market and Polk Streets (Polk turns in to 10th)!  Right next to The Civic Center.  It is North of Market, but right across the street is SoMa.  I love it's location!
 

Talk about So Many Roads.   I have probably managed to walk on every single one over the years.  For one, I am a photographer.  However, it was my years of being a tweaker who could not stop walking that likely had me step foot in every one of San Francisco's 49 square miles.

I'm not sure why I wrote.  I just wanted to, I guess.  I finished transcribing my first notebook today!  Yay!  Now, I need to start on number 2.  It's only about 1/2 full of what I wrote.  I have been able to get computer access and started typing in early September - I think.  It's all really confusing.  I'll try to keep it in order.

I can't wait to have my own place!  It's supposed to happen November 15th!  I hope to get this blog caught up by then also.  I just want to really focus on my photography when I get my own place.  Hopefully, by the time I post this, I will know whether or not I get SSI.  Hopefully, I do.  (10/6/13 - I got denied.)   I spend half my week in doctors offices and hospitals.  I could really use it now.  If I ever get physically healthy again and can work a good work week, I will!  So many people I have met have Social Security and I have no idea why.  I could go on about all this but I won't.  I was supposed to know next week whether or not I'll get it, but thanks to the Federal Government shutdown, that probably won't happen. 

I have plenty to be happy about.  I have been through so much the last 3 years.  Homelessness, Rehabilitation, Hospitalization,  hell on earth....  "So many roads, so many roads."  I'm finally on my way out of the insanity.  Things are really going to happen for me and I will do all I can to help make things great for me.  Perhaps I had to go through all I have to get where I am heading.  As much as I lost, I have faith I am heading to a beautiful place that I will be forever grateful for because of all I've been through.  "So many roads to ease my soul."

Below was Jerry's last show.  It seems appropriate he played this song.    I was planning on going to Soldier Field that year as I had the past couple, but chose at the last minute to go to RFK in Washington DC.   I'm glad I did.  My friend Woody called me from Jacksonville where he lived and asked me to meet him there.  I told him I could not.  As soon as I hung up, Susan said, "Let's go."    I said "Okay!"  I also said I would skip Soldier Field since I had never been to RFK to see them.  I was trying to be responsible back then. 

This was the day before cell phones.  We just hoped we saw Woody there.   We left moments later and drove all night.  We pulled up to RFK first thing in the morning, before the big party started.  He's the first deadhead we saw.  I'll never forget my bike ride from RFK to the Capital where we parked the car.  It was a trip - literally.  We had a great time. It was one of the last shows, but not THE LAST show. 

This one, at Soldier Field, was.  Soldier Field and Madison Square Gardens were my favorite places to see The Grateful Dead.  Oh, and how could I forget Buckeye Lake.  I miss Jerry.

Thought I heard a blackbird singing
Up on Bluebird Hill
Call me a whinin' boy if you will
Born where the sun don't shine
And I don't deny my name
Got no place to go, ain't that a shame?

Thought I heard that KC whistle
Moaning sweet and low
Thought I heard that KC when she blow
Down where the sun don't shine
Underneath the Kokomo
Whinin' boy got no place to go

So many roads, I tell you
So many roads I know
So many roads, so many roads
Mountain high, river wide
So many roads to ride
So many roads, so many roads

Thought I heard a jug band playin'
If you don't who else will?
From over on the far side of the hill
All I know the sun don't shine
And the rain refused to fall
And you don't seem to hear me when I call

Wind inside and the wind outside
Tangled in the window blind
Tell me why you treat me so unkind
Down where the sun don't shine
Lonely and I call your name
No place left to go, ain't that a shame?

So many roads, I tell you
New York to San Francisco
So many roads I know
All I want is one to take me home
From the high road to the low
So many roads I know
So many roads, so many roads

From the land of the midnight sun
Where the ice blue roses grow
Along those roads of gold and silver snow
Howlin' wide or moaning low
So many roads I know
So many roads to ease my soul

The Revolution Starts Now

(I wrote this blog 10/7)

"A revolution is an idea which has found its bayonets."

-Napoleon Bonaparte

Do I feel like writing? Kind of. I definitely don’t write every day like the first couple of months. As much as I like going back and reading what I wrote a couple months ago when I transcribe my blogs, it is a lot of work! If this becomes a book, I believe it will have to be rewritten – more work. It's not really work.  I am simply fighting for something I wholeheartedly believe in.  My blog is my bayonet! 

Now, I at least type them on a computer and save them on a USB drive. I haven’t made it to that point in my blog – I'm still transrcibing away. I’m almost to the end of notebook number one! Wow, I wrote a lot. I don't write nearly as much as I used to. That means, one thing – I don't have to! Well, I still like to write, but I don't have to get as much off of my chest. Life has gotten better! Now, I look forward to writing to inspire and help others. I believe that is part of the reason I am still here. This blog may have saved my life! Well, God saved my life – as a result of this blog!

The last blog I just transcribed talked about how I was coming out of my depression thanks to prayer. I have come such a long way. “Out of the Wilderness”, as the Bible says. Our entire sermon Sunday spoke on just that - being in the Wilderness. We are not alone in The Wilderness. In fact, in many instances, we are put there for a reason - even if we put ourselves there.

Exodus 16:1-3
 

¹Then they set out from Elim, and all the congregation of the sons of Israel came to the wilderness of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after their departure from the land of Egypt. ² The whole congregation of the sons of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness. ³ The sons of Israel said to them, “Would that we had died by the Lord’s hand in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat, when we ate bread to the full; for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger

 

After my last relapse and what I thought would be an inevitable trip to hell, it seems I, like the sons of Israel, used to wish I would have died when I was clean, Good and forgiven. After I had relapsed, I was living in sin and on my way to a “never ending” hell. The devil himself asked me to get the “the wilderness” many times. The morning I jumped from the San Bruno parking garage, I was in as "wilderness" as I could find near San Francico – San Bruno Mountain.

Over the years, God gave me so many chances to come out of the wilderness. I have been homeless, hit by a train, pistol whipped, had life threatening infections, had 4 different guns pulled on me 4 different times, had a seizure that stopped my breathing and landed me in the ICU for a week and finally, I jumped off a roof of a parking garage which landed me in the ICU for a month and the hospital for 6 months. I’m not even counting all that happened in the parallel Universe that should have convinced me to get clean. Sometimes it did. It was my dealing with the devil that led me off the rooftop in January. I'm clean now. I believe God can use everything.

I am grateful that now a days, I recall that dark wilderness I was in more than that sexually euphoric rush I got from a syringe full of crystal meth that I lusted for for years. I can actually thank the devil himself for that one. Funny how that works. I spent some time in the wilderness again. My goodness, I was so lost this last time. I was lost everytime, but especially the last time. I am now being found.

On Sunday, the pastor at my church said how “self sufficiency takes the life right out of us.” He’s right. We can’t do anything alone. He said how we “avoid sadness.” We do. He said that when we “sit still, we get in touch with our sadness.” In many ways, I have. Up until January 15th, I couldn't sit still – even when clean. I was so busy and so caught up in so much until I planted myself in that hospital and even in this program and have time to think. Less time now a days, but all that time I had really had me in touch with all that I had lost. I looked to where I should always look – God.

Speaking of looking to God, what began is a great weekend at Hardley Strictly Blugrass seeing Steve Earle, ended in at General Hospital. Sunday after church, I watched the Bengals dominate the Patriots, especially defensively. I was then going to go see String Cheese Incident at Hardly Strictly Bluegrass. However, I started having abdominal pain. I have never felt such a pain. It had me bent over in a fetal position. When I went to the bathroom to get water for alka seltzer, one of my very kind fellow clients saw how much pain I was in and reported it to staff. Notice how I said, “very kind fellow clients”. How times have changed! Staff came up and offered to call an ambulance, but I refused. Finally after 4 hours of pain, I agreed to let the manager take me to General Hospital's Emergency Room. I ended up spending the entire night there. They hooked me up to and IV and gave me a lot of injections to help. It did. Every time they shot me with something, I could feel it in my veins and taste it in the back of my throat. It reminded me too much of shooting meth – minus the rush of course.  

What I was also reminded of was my days in the ICU. I only remember the last 3 or 4. All the heart monitors is what it really was. I might even have recalled my early days in the hospital. I’m not sure. My mind at least made it up. Perhaps, it was a real memory.

This time, it turns out my liver numbers are too high. I guess that’s what was causing all that pain. I am going to my doctor on Thursday to follow up. They said it looked as though I drank a lot. I did – 10 years ago. They said it wouldn’t be from that. I didn't think to tell them how much medicine I take. I’d rather take none. I bet that’s what is elevating those numbers.

(11/4/13 - I later learned my pancreas numbers were also elevated.  I eventually learned that it was pancreatitis.) 

I’m just glad I feel better. It’s funny how being miserable can make feeling normal feel so good! I’ve experienced that a lot this year. I’m so grateful to be alive. I’m not really too worried about the liver thing. As long as that pain never returns! I have been weaning myself off of pills already. I’ve had to take a lot of ibuprofen, but that is becoming less necessary all the time.

Things are looking good. Tomorrow, West Bay Housing comes to discuss the detail of my move in – hopefully November 15^th. This makes me so happy. I can’t wait to head home for a while. Home.  Home is what Cincinnati is.  San Francisco is my home in many ways, but Cincinnati will always be my home. I miss it. A lot. I’ll never settle back there, unless I really had to. If I were really needed to for instance. I really need to visit. I miss so many. It will likely be a deeply moving experience. I’ve lost so much since my last trip home, but I have the most important thing a person can possibly have – life.

Now is as good a time as any to start a revolution at life.  It is so important I take hold of this amazing opportunity at life God has given me.  The revolution starts now, When you rise above your fear, And tear the walls around you down, The revolution starts here....

 

I love Steve Earle.  Every year, he headlines Saturday night at Hardly Strictly Bluegrass. 

Hardly Strictly Bluegrass is a great free event in Golden Gate Park every year. 

 

The sun sets so beautifully over Golden Gate Park.  I've seen it so many times.

 

 

 

 

I was walkin’ down the street

In the town where I was born

I was movin’ to a beat

That I’d never felt before

So I opened up my eyes

And I took a look around

I saw it written ‘cross the sky

The revolution starts now

Yeah, the revolution starts now

The revolution starts now

When you rise above your fear

And tear the walls around you down

The revolution starts here

Where you work and where you play

Where you lay your money down

What you do and what you say

The revolution starts now

Yeah the revolution starts now

Yeah the revolution starts now

In your own backyard

In your own hometown

So what you doin’ standin’ around?

Just follow your heart

The revolution starts now

Last night I had a dream

That the world had turned around

And all our hopes had come to be

And the people gathered ‘round

They all brought what they could bring

And nobody went without

And I learned a song to sing

The revolution starts now