Where'd You Go

Let's see how this goes. Or, if it goes.  Last night, I wrote a few paragraphs on the notebook tablet on my phone.  I knew I could copy it from there, I just didn't know I couldn't paste it on here.

I am grateful to be here, but compared to the hospital, it's pretty ghetto.  Please forgive my misspellings and typos for a while.  It seems as though it will be at least a couple months before I can get to a real computer.  It will be that 
long before I get to go anywhere by myself for that matter.

Like I said, it feels ghetto this time.  My room I moved into with 3 roommates is filthy.  Let me remind you that I am coming from a hospital and the four times I came here for detox it was from the street.  I think that all I noticed back then was a bed and three meals.  Now days, when I am clean, I am a neat and clean freak.

I am grateful to be here, but I am sad and lonely.  I'm a bit depressed.  My roommates are messy, but they are nice.  One of them is actually crazy - literally.  I need to keep this short, so I'll leave it at that.

I'll try to keep posting short blogs from time to time.  I might even write on paper again and then type them out when I get to a computer.

Being in the neighborhood Susan and I moved to  when we first moved here 11 years ago has had me pretty emotional since I got here.  Just the thought brings a tear to my eye.  I also miss my family.

One of my roommates mixes music.  He has been adding
beats to a song I had never heard before.  I kind of like it.  It seems there is no such thing as a coincidence.

He was mainly mixing the female's voice.  I "felt" her words.  It wasn't until I downloaded this song for this blog that I heard the man's lyrics.  While the song changes "feeling" during the man's "wrap" part, it still rings true.  It takes me back a few years to the person I used to be.  I dissapeared, leaving Susan waiting all the time.

 

Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone

She said, "Some days I feel like shit"
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone
I get along but the trips always feel so long
And, I find myself tryna stay by the phone
'Cause your voice always helps me when I feel so alone
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call
But when I pick up I don't have much to say
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin'
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Please come back home

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbeque up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once in a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
Anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find you have somethin' to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing, "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For while you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you'll can sing it

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone

Please come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home
Please come back home

In The Dark

(6/17/13 ? )

Okay, so it looks like I can type a blog on my new phone.  It is not easy, but....

(6/19/13 positive)

I just got my teeth cleaned.  Now, I am waiting to get my pedicure done.  I've never been a pedicure kind of person until I got here.  A few months ago, I had my first one done.  Before I had it done, I basically pealed off at least a half inch of dead skin off of both of my feet.  Having broken bones and nerve damage made me very immobile and bed bound.  This apparently makes for dead skin on the feet. Actually, they were very swollen.  That's likely the culprit - swollen feet.  When the swelling goes down, all that "blown up" skin has to go somewhere.  I guess it dies. As you can see, they are not so swollen now.  They sure are hairy in my old days! So, as you can see, my pedicure has begun.  They do such a great job here.  I'd do it myself, however, I do still have flexibility issues.  Recently having to have shattered my lower back is why this problem exists.  I also broke my neck, but it doesn't give me any problems.  It cracks a lot.  It never used to do that. Now that the feet are done it's back to the dentist.  They are going to replace a filling I lost on the back side of my front tooth a couple of years ago. It doesn't hurt, but I can feel it missing. This hospital is so good to me.  In fact, the dentist assistant just took my blood pressure.  It's 93 over 64.  She says that's good! Waiting for my filling to get done!             This afternoon, my good friend Lisa is going to take me to my storage unit so I can return my printer and a couple other things I can't take to drug rehab.  Making the decision to bring my printer here was a good one.  I made 3 sales in the past couple of weeks.  This is extremely helpful for me financially.  I now have 6 times as much money in the bank as I did before!  It will help me get through up to 6 months of rehab.  I'm not going to complain, but I just want to say that the internet connection at this super modern hospital is terrible.  I won't go into any of the details, but I have to jump through so many hoops just to do anything.  Right now, I'm back upstairs typing in the library.  I don't have a very big mobile phone connection either, so just trying to do anything on my new android isn't that great or quick either. I hope the connection at my new rehab is good.  For anyone who has not been keeping up lately, I do check into drug rehab on Monday.  I'm actually okay with it.  I physically feel ready.  In many ways, some of my condition - especially the nerve damage, has not really improved that much.  In fact, it may be going the other way.  I have not had to start catheterizing myself again yet, but it really has been getting worse for some reason. My walking ability has gotten better.  I use a cane and I hobble around quite a bit, but it works.  The addict in me does need help. This morning, I was sent to the Psychiatric Health Clinic.  It is located in South of Market.  This was my old hood of course.  It brought back so many memories.  I went past the park I used to walk Phil to all the time.  While at the clinic, I saw one of my friends I knew from the street.  I've known him for years.  He actually has a place.  When I was homeless he used to invite me up and feed me cereal   He has been clean for many years.  He spent many years in prison.  I wrote about him before.  Today, he said "It looks like you f----- yourself up good!  You wobble around like Red Skelton!"  He has always spoken his mind and, I do!  He also told me that "No woman's gonna want a cripple like you."  I hope he's right.  I need to deal with me - possibly for the rest of my life.  I've learned I'm not a good mate anyway. We talked for a while.  He asked if he could read my blog I was telling him about.  He couldn't read the small text on my phone, so I read it to him.  Being able to do that mattered to me.  People reading this blog, matters to me.  I say this because I hope it is so very evident that this blog has a purpose.  I have a purpose.  I'm not trying to preach, but I CANNOT deny God.  Everything that has ever occurred to me over the years convinced me that there is something so much greater happening in this universe.  I may be a messed up person, but being so incredibly messed up showed me something.  It started so many years ago that I believe only those who "check out" could possibly know about this.  Everyone else is way to busy doing the important things in life that they need to do and their loved ones need them to do. While it was something that came from my hardcore drug use in the beginning, it is something I cannot deny while I am clean.  The only difference is that God chooses a much more subtle, kind and gentle approach to his delivering of the message.  I do know that this is possible for everyone to notice. It is not necessary for people to witness the dark sides way.  God's way is the only way necessary. Songs come on at just the right time.  Messages are written in the side walk at just the right time.  Feelings come over me - at just the right time.  Speaking of, I feel hungry - at just the right time.  It is dinner time.  It is because of God that I will enjoy this dinner tonight.  For that I am so grateful.  I'll be back to finish this blog - at just the right time.  Actually, it doesn't go that smooth for me!   However, the truth about it is, I really need to view life in such a way.  Nothing occurs by accident or out of time - unless I make mistakes.  For now, I'll leave it at that.  I'll be back when it feels right.  Well, it looks like I am able to post my videos I took of us jamming last night, so I'll finish this blog tomorrow.  That feel right - right now!  Well, that was fast.  I guess I have about 24 minutes until the library closes.  I should be able to get this thing done - I think.   Probably not.  I actually want this blog to be the last one I type before I go into drug rehab on Monday.  It is currently Thursday night.  I have been doing so much lately to get myself prepared.  Like I mentioned earlier, Lisa helped me take many of my things to storage last night.  We then went to a recovery meeting where I picked up this! (Friday Night)  I'm at the mall for this photo spot.   Like I said, the hospitals wireless stinks!  A couple people I know and I arranged to meet me here also.  The meeting went well until one of them questioned me about "why" I'm thinking about getting baptized.  I'll do something if I feel like it's the right thing to do.  That's just The Truth.  I believe in God.  Everyone may choose to believe in whatever they believe in they way they believe in it as far as I'm concerned.  Actually, it's the same person who disagreed with my getting off of the medication that was supposed to stop me from hearing voices but made me feel like I was on LSD.  I don't like be disagreed with....  I care about people. Enough said.  I'm sorry. I love the meeting that I picked up that chip.  (Sorry again about my frustration above.  I just don't like being questioned so much about my personal decisions by anyone.)   I was the secretary of that meeting about 9 months ago until I relapsed.  Those days I was using were so dark. My Goodness they were so dark.  It all seems so real to me.  I do know that Those Voices  were coming from somewhere besides my head.  They are connected to way to many outside sources.  It's funny, because as sick as I was and as dark as things were, I do have a way to believe that God does exist, thanks to those Voices.  Actually, that was proven to me before I started hearing voices. It's a long, long, long story I wrote about years ago.  Those Voices, have stayed around a bit recently.  I can't here them now.  Well, that's not completely true.  I just listened and I did hear one.  It was very nonthreatening.  In fact, just now one said, "We're here to make you believe that God will always be here for you Dave.  Stop fearing what they have to say to you Dave." The truth is, I do try to ignore them.  I had a friend who really does care about me the other day get into a very debated discussion with me about why I really need to get on to a medication that will completely stop the voices.  (Okay, I knew I had written about this recently. My friend who just questioned me about "why" I'm getting baptized is the person who thought I should be on medication.  Well, I was proof reading until I got the part about picking up that chip and needed to take a photo while I was here.  I forgot that I wrote about that "discussion" in this blog and it had yet to be published.  Interestingly enough....)  I get where people may feel that way, however, as long as I never use again, those voices are not really an issue. (And, I want to get baptized for my reasons.) My cravings for drugs are a much bigger issue.  In fact, those voices used to get so mad at me when they were in my head and I went to get drugs anyway.  The voices that were really intense and undeniable back then were very angry with me for going against what they had to say.  I did become an absolute freak on that drug.  If I would have listened to them years ago, none of this would have happened.  They tried so hard to get me to go to rehab and to stop using and being the person that drug turns me into.  It wasn't them that were wrong.  It was ME!  Eventually, I was connected to the dark ones however.  The good ones were trying to help me and my loved ones.  I'll leave it at that.  It's so confusing.  All of it.  It was so real to me.  I cannot deny it - ever. This morning, the psychiatrist I spoke with was asking me about my addiction.  He was a good guy.  I was very open and honest with him about everything.  That is the way I will always be these days.  This does not mean that I will tell everyone everything, but if asked, I will likely spill it all about me.  I don't want to hurt anyone.  I will keep other peoples secrets too.  I won't necessarily tell everything right away to everyone either.  For instance, a couple weeks ago, I had to go to an oncologist.  I had no idea what this was, however, I learned what it was before I went.  It was a cancer doctor.  My white blood cells were going crazy.  I think they were too high or too low or something.  It turns out, it was only the medication I was put on, to stop The Voices,  by the way.  That's exactly why I don't want to be on anything some day.  In fact, the advice the oncologist gave me was, "You are a very bright young man.  Stop F------ using!"  His words. I guess my whole point is, I don't want to worry people about me.  If someone asked me..... Whatever.  That stuff is over. Recovery is NOW.  Recover is TOMORROW.  Recovery is FOREVER!  Guess what else is NOW, TOMORROW and FOREVER?  GOD!  I know this.  I know this because whenever I have slipped away from Recovery/GOD, I slip back into the darkness.  God will always be there for me.  I just have to stay with Him.  I say "Him" simply because that's what I need to be - A Good, loving man!   Unfortunately, I believe I have been closer to the evil one than I have been to God.  This is because of all of the wrong choices I have made in life.  This is why I do feel that I should get baptized - to help bring me closer to God AND to keep me beside God for eternity.  (I did write this on Thursday night - before our Friday night discussion).  Staying with that dark one I was told was not called "eternity", it was "never ending".   I hope and pray that all souls have a chance to make it to the Good side some day.  Is that really possible?  Could Adolf Hitler's soul ever become something Good?   I don't have all the answers.  I'll never tell people what they need to believe in. Okay, now I'm writing and it is Friday night at the mall.  I'll stop writing in italics to let that be known.  The truth is, I have been in a lot of tears while here.  This is where Susan and I spent so much time.  It's only a couple blocks away from where we lived for 9 years.  It has a humongous food court and a movie theater upstairs.  It has a store that sells aftershave that she bought me all the time that I use to this day.  I have a little bit left.  I'll miss it.  It's too expensive for me to replace.  Every time I put it on, it's smell takes me back to Good days.  Somehow even the Good days upset me these days.  Perhaps I need a new aftershave anyway. I have a lot of issues.  A lot of issues!  I mean that. My head is so.... I think it is important that I start rehab soon.  My sadness could possibly turn to giving up some day.  I can tell that's possible now.  If I give up, I'm dead.  DEAD!  I don't like that I wrote what I just wrote.  I am so grateful to be alive.  I do have so many things to be sad about.  I was so wrong for so long.  God has been so good to me.  I can't deny that.  I'm sorry this blog will end in this manner.  It may be a while before I post another.  Actually, today I was walking from the old hospital building to the new.  I was trying to get some medical records but....  It's a long story, but I didn't get them.  On my walk back I was hearing voices.  "They" were basically saying that half the things I say people believe in and half the things I say make people think I have issues.  I get that.  That's not the important part.  The important part to me was what I saw laying on the ground at in the middle of all that.  It was a message from God.  I know this.  I saw a piece of cardboard on the ground that said "Grace".  I saved it and will try to post it on here tonight with my android when I get back to the hospital.   If I can't get it posted my new way then I will definitely post it tomorrow while at a coffee shop.  (Saturday Morning) And, there it is! I'm actually at the hospitals library.  I took it last night with android while in bed. I tried to post it with my but that wasn't happening.  Typing on Blogspot.com with my Android is challenging enough.  Posting websites that way with my computer is simple, but I still have a lot to learn on the Android! It's very blurry. I may retake it and make it a little more clear as to what it actually is. It's a perfume package. No matter what it is, it's message was received.  God works in amazingly simple ways. I just need to remain tuned in. I have learned that nothing happens by accident and that there are no such thing as coincidences.  Or, there is such a thing, but a coincidence is no accident in this amazingly amazing and complex Universe we all exist. God is so everything....  EVERYTHING and Wonderful and Beautiful and Amazing and Loving and....   I have some work to do. I just needed to get this posted. Again, I may try to get a better shot, but for now.... (Back to Thursday - I think. If my brain damage affected anything, it's my memory.) I think I wrote earlier how God communicates to me in that way.  He gives me message at just the right time and just the right way - some how.  PAY ATTENTION EVERYONE!  By the way, Journeys Don't Stop Believing just came on at the mall right now!   (I guess it is actually Friday) Like I said....  With a song, a written message in concrete, a passing truck with writing or pictures.  God is always gentle, kind and subtle.  God has given me so much Grace.  For that I am so grateful.  In fact, I feel very loved right now.  It feels very good.  Thank you God.  I'm going to be okay everyone.  Thank you.  My writing helps.   I love people.  I also do struggle sometimes.  I think I do need help.  I've been listening to Billy Squire a lot lately.  This song sure feels right - right now. Life isn't easy from the singular side Down in the hole some emotions are hard to hide It's your decision it's a chance that you take It's on your head it's a habit that's hard to break Do you need a friend would you tell no lies Would you take me in are you lonely in the dark... You never listen to the voices inside They fill your ears as you run to a place to hide You're never sure if the illusion is real You pinch yourself but the mem'ries are all you feel Can you break away from your alibis Can you make a play will you meet me in the dark... Don'tcha need me...hey, hey Don'tcha need me...oh yea Don'tcha leave me...hey, hey Don'tcha need me...oh yea You take no int'rest no opinion's too dear You make the rounds and you try to be so sincere You guard your hopes and you pocket your dreams You'd trade it all to avoid an unpleasant scene Can you face the fire when you see me there Can you feel the fire will you love me in the dark...

Last Chance

Nothing is really too easy these days. For some strange reason the wireless connection at this hospital is very selective about the websites it allows me to access. It doesn't allow me to access Facebook, my email and BlogSpot.com. These three are the sites I use most – of course. I'm a pretty lonely person. Being able to access Facebook in the evenings is something I enjoyed. I do miss it. I'm sure I will really miss not being able to access Facebook when I check into rehab soon. I DO need to do that.

I've been getting out and about some lately. I am very grateful that I can do this. I also enjoy doing this. I do it by myself. Although I am lonely, I actually kind of like being a loner these days. However, fear has somewhat arisen. The fear of using that is. I'm not saying that I want to use. I'm just realizing that one day I will be on my own out there and I will be able to easily get what will likely kill me. Or, I will likely kill myself I should say. I have no idea why I would ever go down this road, however, it is important that I get serious about recovery. I know from ten years of experience - I always pick up where I left off. The last thing I did was attempt suicide.  I don't want to get into it all, but I do know that I will do this again if I use again. Sad but true.

Being in this hospital is kind of like being in a protective bubble. In a few days, I'll have 6 months clean. That is really great. Wednesday, I am meeting with a drug rehab. It is a very big one here in the city. I will not name it, but I will say that it is the clinic that arose from the summer of love that runs this rehab. Seeing as that was ultimately the root of the San Francisco epidemic, it may not be a bad place for me to be. The building I will be in is located in the neighborhood where the summer of love took place. It is located in the neighborhood that Susan and I lived when we first moved to San Francisco.  I do love that neighborhood.  It is next to a beautiful hillside park.  While I like this fact, I did use to use in that park - a lot.  It's time to create new memories.  It is also down the street from the best park in the world - Golden Gate Park!  Oh yeah, I used in that park too.

As far as things not being really to easy for me these days, I guess I was thinking about how I am going to get this blog posted. I figure I could buy one of those tiny little USB port drives that hold digital files and save this on it and then stick it into one of the computers upstairs in the hospitals library. Although I have lots of portable hard drives that plug into USB ports and the wall, I don't have one of those little drives here.  However, I have 3 external hard drives.  With those, I have 2 1/2 terabytes of memory!  I have photos since 2002 and every music CD I've ever owned on them.  I also have an automatic weekly backup that goes onto one of them.   I have a fourth one that one of my friends holds onto for me.  It has all my money making photos on it and many other important documents.  I advise doing this to everyone.

I figure I'll stop at Radio Shack on my way to a recovery meeting soon. I was just thinking about where that recovery meeting club was and a radio shack is located. The subway that I can get on that is located across the street from the hospital eventually ends up running underneath Market Street. In fact, the next stop is the first Market Street stop.  Market Street is where those two locations are located. It's just that my locations are not right next to the stations.

Now a days, I have to think about these things. Wobbling along on my cane can get a bit tiring and my back can start to hurt, so I was just considering that. I will do it. It will make me stronger. It's just that it goes with things not being too easy for me these days. I look pretty silly wobbling down the street with my cane, however, I am grateful to be alive.

Lately, when I walk, I walk with God. It feels so nice. The other morning, I was walking down the trail that leads The Forest Hill Subway Station across the street. It felt so nice. I stayed with God the whole time. Remembering to do this so important for me.  It makes such a beautiful difference for me.

That Forest Hill Subway Station is really cool. It is the oldest Subway Station in San Francisco. At one point in time, it was the only subway station in San Francisco.  It feels and smells a lot like a New York City Subway Station.  It's a lot smaller, but it feels just like it.  That's likely because they were built around the same time. 

Forest Hill Station.

It's got that oily NYC Subway Smell.  I love it!

It is very deep into this little mountain.

It is very beautiful on the inside.  It's a nice little train station.  It was built in 1917.

A great deal of the train lines run above ground all over the city. That line, which now has 4 different lines combined, eventually connects to the “main line”, where all the lines eventually meet – Market Street. Up until the 1970's, when BART was developed in the Bay Area,  that "main line" (Market Street) ran above ground - on Market Street. When BART showed up, Market Street was the obvious route that needed to have many stops.   BART trains can have up to 10 cars.  EVERYTHING was getting a bit crowded, so they turned BART and the Market Street Muni Lines into subways. And, there is still one line that runs above ground, the F line. The F line is the old school trains.

The F Line is at street level. The Muni Subway is on the first level down. The BART line is beneath it. Essentially, the train lines on Market Street has 3 levels. I obviously love transportation. 

Last Friday, I got to see my favorite form of transportation – jets! However, I first had to see something that reminded me that I can't fly! We drove by the San Bruno Parking Garage. The San Bruno Parking Garage is the garage the I jumped off of on January 15^th. I was so insane that day. Seeing it off in the distance didn't make a huge difference in the way I felt. I didn't like the way it felt.  I don't like the way it feels right now. 

San Bruno Parking Garage

It sure felt much nicer to be by those jumbo jets that were coming in and out of SFO!  I love jumbo jets.  I am such a dork.  The restaurant they took us to was very near the airport. In fact, the back side of it faced the San Francisco Bay. SFO's runways extend out into the bay. Flying into SFO is always a treat. It appears as though you are landing on the water. Seeing that airport really took me back to the days when things were different. Back to when things were better.

San Francisco International gets a lot of these big fella's.  I love 747's. 



It's already getting its share of these big fella's also!  The A380 is now the largest commercial jet that exists.  It's a double decker all the way back.  San Francisco is a big city and it gets a lot of tourists.  I guess it makes since to fly these huge jets in and out of this beautiful city.

Actually, right as we got there, I was excited to get off the bus and start taking photos of the place that reminded me of the good old days. The first thing I ended up seeing was something that reminded me of my more recent hell that I experienced down there by that airport. It reminded me of the day I jumped off the parking garage we had just driven by.

If you look closely beneath that parking thing, you'll see something I hate seeing.

There it is.  I can't hardly look at it.  It makes me tremble.  It makes me cry.  I'm so messed up over those stupid things.

I now have that photo out of my site.  It's an old beat up one, but still.  I hate those things so much.  Every now and then, a nurse will have a 29 gage 100 CC loaded up for someone and it just tears me apart.  I can't explain.  It hits me in the heart just seeing it.  It's so hard for me.  It's ridiculous.  Actually, recently they all had a meeting about not having one of those visible in front of me.

Syringes are all over San Francisco, but this was pretty far away from The City!  I guess I walked down there one night. It could have been from someone who was diabetic I guess. I just didn't think they threw their needles on the ground! I never did that. They could have fallen out of my pocket I guess. Hey, maybe it was mine from 6 months ago! No, I know I wasn't that close to the airport.

Being there and seeing that mainly made me believe that this is likely my last chance. God gave me one more chance. God has been so good to me and has given me so many chances. I have to really take advantage of this chance. I was insane to do what I did. It was not God's Will for me to do that.  I believe it was God's Will that I survive.  In some ways, what I did was very unselfish.  It was still very wrong.  I was twisted.  The Voices really turned on me the last time around. I know I never want to use again right now, however, I also know that someday, I may.

It is so important that I remain in recovery. It is so important I never allow the dark force within me to trick me into using again. If I ever do, I will likely commit suicide. I have no idea why I got so suicidal this last time, but I fought suicide for the 2 ½ months that I was using this last time. The dark side was trying to consume my soul. They were willing to trade my soul for the well-being of the souls who love me. I was hurting those souls in the parallel universe that is in many ways connected with our universe - which is reality. 

So many times, that parallel universe found ways to cross over and reach this universe. It was so insane this time around. Many times that the voices told me something was happening, in reality, it was. There was a time when someone was suppose to be on my rooftop trying to kill me. When I went into the hall, the police were walking up my steps. When I asked them why, they said, “Someone was on the rooftop of the building I lived.” Another time, the voices told me that someone was after Susan in Cincinnati. When I called Susan, I suddenly heard her husband in the background saying something about, "something going on outside."  She told me that the police were outside of her home with guns drawn on someone. Those were just a couple of the strange cross over experiences that happened last time.  There were so many more that I cannot deny.

I must never use again. I love this city. I'll be in rehab soon. I will remain with God forever. It was so nice going to that restaurant last Friday. Afterward, on the way back to the hospital which is located on the top of this little mountain, we stopped off at the top of it.  It is Twin Peaks. It has a beautiful view of this beautiful city. Unfortunately, it is one of the areas I tainted with my using. I did that to so many places in San Francisco. Still, it was nice to have new memories created. It was nice being up there with a bunch of other handicap people from this hospital I live.  That I will always remember.

Beautiful downtown San Francisco

It's obviously summer time.  That Golden Gate Bridge is always fogged in in the summer time.  It's makes for some beautiful shots.

 

This is my last chance. This doesn't scare me as much as one would think. I feel so good knowing I have it. I am excited to live. I have plenty of reasons to be sad, but I have so many reasons to be grateful.  I have decided to look into the idea of being baptized. I think that it is important for me. I will always believe that not one religion is the right religion, but I think I have decided that Christianity is right for me. I started to feel that way when I was homeless. I found a Koran. I read some of it. It scared me. It made me realize that I cannot make it in that religion. In fact, I have sinned so much, I have to believe that Jesus Christ died for me. 

I'm not here to preach. I don't want to be some holy roller. I just think I will take that path. Once I am saved, I must stay clean. When I am clean, I am an honest and good person. I may make a few mistakes here and there, but I really am a good person. I love people. I will be here for people. God saved my life. I love God. I'm willing to go life alone. That's not true. I will go it with God.  Like God, I will be here for others.  I will love others.

Oh yeah, I would like to report that I no longer feel like I'm tripping. In fact, I am really starting to feel like the person I really am. I'm so glad I got them to take me off those psych medications. Now, I am going to try get me off of everything! I just looked up the side effects of Kadian and it is seems it is responsible for so many of the ones I have. Kadian is morphine. One would think morphine would not create more pain for me, but it seems it does. My muscles spasm all night long. It is so painful. It is also one of Kadians side effects! As is trouble swallowing, urinating and confusion. I experience all of these. 

I want to enjoy this beautiful life and love it. Tomorrow I will interview with a drug rehab. I'll miss blogging. I'm sure I'll do it on paper. I'll miss Facebook! I hope I'll get it back eventually. This is my last chance at life. I will do whatever it takes. I believe it is important I surrender. I'm willing to do so. I'll likely have some time to post another quick blog before I check in, so....

 

 

 

When the stranger came to town
All the people watched with wonder
In their tattered clothes
Gathered ‘round and raised their eyes up from the dirt

And the stranger said to them
I have been upon the mountain
I have witnessed forces, like cannons
That could ram you to the ground

Stand up on your feet
'Cause your life is short as hell
You could be dead tomorrow
Today may be your

Last chance to believe in yourself
Your last chance to yell
Your last chance to be good to yourself
Your last chance to drink from life's well

In the crowd a voice was heard
Should we get them before they get you
Should we strike the first blow
He said no, no, no, you don't understand

The enemy is in your heart
Self-respect robbed by self-pity
Look across the country
All the people with their dreams dead in their hearts

Stand up your feet
'Cause your life is short as hell
You could be dead tomorrow
Today may be your

Last chance to believe in yourself
Your last chance to yell
Your last chance to be good to yourself
Your last chance to drink from life's well

So drink from the well
Oh yeah

It could be your
Last chance to believe in yourself
Your last chance to yell
Your last chance to be good to yourself
Your last chance to drink from life's well

Drink from the well
Oh yeah
Yeah

Drink from the well

Rose

I went to Church this morning.  I am very grateful I did.  I must admit however that I feel like I am tripping on LSD some right now.  I really felt this way during the sermon.  I have that happen to me frequently.  I'm not sure I've ever really blogged about it.  It usually occurs at night while I am trying to fall asleep.  I guess it is kind of like I am starting to dream, yet I am still awake.  It's different though.  I start hearing voices.  Right now, and it's no longer Sunday by the way (I have no idea what day I wrote this), the screen looks so strange to me.  The black letters are fading in and out right now. 

It's Wednesday right now (Oh, duh - I'm proof reading on Thursday.  I still feel...like I'm tripping).  I got everything done like getting my two photograph orders together.  I mailed the two 16 x 20 matted and framed photos back to Cincinnati this afternoon.  And, the woman who purchased the photos for this musical, The Fantasticks, in which her daughter was in is coming by any minute now. 

I am debating whether or not I am going to go to tonight's Wednesday night meeting at City Church's office.  I think I should.  Sister has been "telling me to go" for months now!  I realized she was telling me to go to City Church Sunday when I looked up the address.  It is on the same street that she keeps yelling and a it is a similar address.  She says, "Take me to 860 Sutter!" (This is now the real address.  I used to use a fake one.  She also gave me permission to write about her.) 

Sister Rose
She also gave me permission to post her photo! 

As I have written in past blogs, I really do feel sorry for her.  She is always in pain and always "begging" someone to take her to take her to "8-6-0 Sutter."  I pray for her all the time.  She really does seem like a good person. 

At times, I have believed that we may some how be here for each other.  A couple of weeks ago, one of my readers, who refers to herself as "My Stalker" wrote me an email saying that we may be here for each other.  This, of course, supported what I had already thought in the past. 

I just remembered how on Monday, I was walking across the street towards my storage unit and I saw a playing card lying on the street.  It was a Queen.  I immediately thought of Rose - Queens are women.  About  5 steps later, I saw another Queen.  I felt this was a way of simply reassuring my belief that she may be "heavenly".  Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while now likely know how I used to play "street poker" over the years. 

When I used to be out on a run many years ago, I used to pay attention to playing cards as I walked along and saw them appear on the street.  Over the years, I always saw number cards, but I rarely saw face cards.  After a while, I started seeing face cards incredibly often.  I knew something was up.  I came to believe, with help from the voices, that if I got a hand including four of a kind which consisted of Aces, I was in trouble - I may be on way to hell. 

I don't completely remember the details, but years ago, I saw four aces in a row on four different nights.  One was in front of a sex club.  The final one was in placed on my door step.  It wasn't long after that I started getting MRSA infections which could be deadly.  Years later, after I was in the ICU for the first time, I was thinking of using again.  I had 4 1/2 months clean.  On my way to pick up some frames a box trailer truck drove in front of me - on it's box trailer were four aces.  A few months ago, after I relapsed for the first time after being clean for 7 1/2 months, I was out on the street taking photos.  I saw an ace on the ground.  Again, it was warning me I was on my way.

After I left my storage unit, I was walking across the street.  I smelled smoke.  It reminded me of my using days.  Just as I thought of those "using days", I looked onto the ground and saw an Ace of Spades.  It was lying on the street corner in the exact same place as those two queens were located on my way there. 

In the past I concluded that one Ace, means the devil - especially the Ace of Spades.  All four of them mean hell.

Where was this blog heading?  Oh yeah, Rose coincidences.  It turns out City Church is at 1260 Sutter.  860 Sutter is actually the address for one of The Academy of Art University San Francisco's.  I do find that to be pretty interesting since I do love art and I am a Street Artist.  Well, City Church's offices are at 1388 Sutter.  I used to go to this Wednesday night meeting while I was at the last drug program.  It is the program that exited me.  I really think all of these "coincidences" really do mean I need to go to this meeting tonight! (Wednesday night)

(It's Thursday night)  Well, I didn't go last night for a couple of reasons.  One of the reasons is that the person who bought those photos from me did not show up.  She emailed me instead.  We are going to work our sale out in the mail instead of in person, so it's still a good thing for us. 

I ended up having someone mail them for me.  As soon as he gets the price from the post office tomorrow, he will email me how much and I will then email her how much so she can mail me a check.  The guy who mailed it  and something else for me is a writer for the hospitals newspaper.  I took a new headshot for him last week for this weeks newspaper.

This is that newspaper I've been so excited about and writing about.  This is "The Voice!"

The "he" that I am speaking about is the other David, David P, on the front page of our newspaper.  This is the first issue in which the hospital changed it's newspapers name to "The Voice". I found it amusing and ironic that the hospital just changed their newspaper's name to "The Voice" just as I came aboard.  I am of course the other David, David B up above listed as "VOICE PHOTOS"

Okay, Back to going to church and that meeting at my churches office with my pastor .  My blog speaks quite a bit about how I believe that it was God's Will that I survived.  So much of the sermon really touched on such a thing.  That always happens for me when I attend City Church.  The sermon speaks so closely to what is going on in my head.  It was strange this time.  The Pastor preached as to how we need to combine God's Will into Our Will.  That made sense to me, however, I kept dosing off during his sermon.

When I am dosing off at night before going to sleep, I always get confused about reality and the insanity of my past.  It happens to me so often.  It felt strange but not accidental.  I asked my friend who sat next to me and who is also my mentor who agreed to meet me there if she saw me dosing off and said, "No".  I think that's what she said.  Either way, it must not have been a huge ordeal.

I just wanted to be sure I wasn't moaning and groaning as I usually do at night.  One of the times that caught my ears during the sermon was the Prayer of Confession:

Heavenly Father,
your love brings life to dead souls,
light to darkened minds,
and strength to weak wills....

I was almost a dead soul and my will was certainly week.   I have said and I continue to say how my living was Gods Will.  It is important now that I find a way to continue to strengthen My Will so that I may combine My Will with Gods Will.

Another one of the most gripping moments for me came from Bible verses - go figure.  This is the first time I returned to church since I made that horrible choice to jump of the 5th story of a parking garage on January 15th.  Evil demanded me too do what I did.  However, I did what I did so I would no longer hurt anyone who cared about me, not because the evil one ordered me to.  It was not God's Will that I attempt suicide.  It was an insane and evil drug induced WRONG decision.  However, it was an unselfish act.  Therefore, I believe it was (and is) Gods Will that I survive:

9 “This, then, is how you should pray:
“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
    on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
    as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,
    but deliver us from the evil one.

Hearing these verses at church reminded me of a something Sister Rose said to me at lunch.  She said that she was quoting Genesis:

"Upon this rock I will build my church and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it."

Again, I did not go to that meeting last night, but I still believe I need to.  Last night, while thinking about whether or not I should go, I happened to be on Facebook.   Just as I was considering, I looked on the screen and someone had posted a photograph of my pastor - the one who runs those meetings.  In the photo, he was at a Giants game.  It's not like people don't have their photos on Facebo0k, however, he is not a big Facebooker and I have rarely seen his photo on there.  Someone else had posted it.

It's Thursday now.  My brain is so scrambled somehow.  I'm not going to get into it to much, but I feel like I'm on LSD right now.  I can't stand the way I feel. 

I'll end this really soon, but I just happened to look on the television screen that was on in the dining room and The President just landed at Moffitt Field in Mountain View.  He'll likely be spending the night at The Intercontinental Hotel, where he always does.  This is located right down the street from Susan and my old apartment.  It's about a block and a half away.  It's right across the street from The San Francisco Chronicle.  We lived where we lived because it was near their since I used to work at that newspaper years ago.  I wasn't the papers main photographer....

Anyone who has always read my blog may remember how he had a lot to do with my recovery in the past.  We always crossed paths.  In many ways, he helped me get clean. 

I really don't want to get into it right now, but....   I can't really write about this.  I know I always say I reveal The Truth, but I don't think I'm ready to reveal the way things went with us in my last relapse.  My death may have been necessary for some reasons back then.  It wouldn't have necessarily been wrong.  It's so ridiculous and complicated.  And, it may actually be too much for me to know and or reveal.  I've been so confused lately. 

I'm kind of hearing voices again, but, things aren't normal for me.  My internet works, but my Facebook is not accessible.  I had no idea The President was in town, but now I'm more confused.  I'll leave things at this.  I love our President.  He's a good man.   I'll leave it at that. 

I need to remember that ALL THAT STUFF WAS IN THE PARALEL UNIVERSE.  Times crossed over it seemed, but it was all there.  He is just...so important.

ACTUALLY, I just remembered how the entire reason I got clean was because of him.  I was in the homeless shelter and I saw him one morning.  I then walked by and saw my guitar in the pawn shop. Either way, I felt so good about seeing him, I walked to The San Francisco Public Library and started writing my blog again.  It's no wonder I wrote Standing on the Moon. 

I can't think of a song for this one.  It took me a week to write and one never even came up for me.  Perhaps it should be called "Rose" for now.  That's at least unit I may come up with another.  Perhaps Rose has one for us.  Good night Rose.  Rose sure needs prayer everyone.  Thank you. 

Everything is Gonna be Alright

(Thursday, 5/30/13)
I am so tired.  "HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!"  I'm sorry, just as I started writng, those are the words I heard.  Sister is right across the hall from me.  She is in the first room I was ever in.  It is a private room.  I'm pretty sure they put me in that room in the beginning because I was a "Help, Help, Helper!"  The thing is, I really needed it.  Or, at least I was in serious, serious pain.  She may be in some sort of mental pain, but she is physically "okay" - I think.  I don't deny her cries for help, I just don't have an answer to them.  It seems no one does. 

She actually shares a bathroom with another small private room.  This room was the 4th room I was in.  I spent a lot of time in that one.  I really like that one.  I even decorated it.  It really felt quite a bit like home.   

I was placed in it after I was moved out of the Isolation Ward.  They put me in the Isolation Ward because the thought I had TB.  I knew I didn't.  My being an IV drug user for so many years, made me see how the guy who gave me the test did it wrong.  I have actually been given a few TB tests recently.  Actually, I was first placed in another room which did not have service to my mobile phone, so they eventually moved me.  They could move me on an hours notice when they needed my room....  My beginning here was....  Wow!  Painful.  Literally and....

That room now belongs to "Looney Tunes".  I guess "Looney Tunes" is the nickname I just came up with for the crazy guy who talks to himself, walks in and out of my room, ransacked my room a couple of times and threatened me after I had fallen asleep a couple of times.  What better place to place this man than right across the hall from me?
 
"AAAHHH, MY NECK.  YOU'RE SQUEEZING MY NECK."  That's the words sister just spit out.   Anyway, "Looney Tunes" got moved right across the hall from me the night after he came into my room threatening me to "GET OUT OF HIS ROOM!"  They told me that "he was GONE!"

I'm grateful to be here.  I'm grateful for this place.  Those two across the hall, I pray for them all the time.  I'm not too worried about "Looney Tunes", but I do question if he belongs here.

It was such a beautiful day today.  I really tried to make the best of it.  I had an appointment with The Department of Rehabilitation at 2:00.  I met with them just in case I cannot be a street artist because I'm physically unable.   It was so strange going somewhere because I am "disabled".  The strange thing about it was that I was seemingly the most disabled person there.  Physically at least.  When I filled out the questionnaires,  I was amazed at how many boxes I had to check and how many things I really had to fill out about myself. 

For me, it is strange being disabled.  It makes me sad.  I mean I hope that some day I am not, but for now....  I actually do appreciate it when people give me their bus seat.  I feel stupid.  Especially when it's a woman who does it.  In the short time I have dealt with this, it seems to me that women do it the quickest.  I really do not like it, but I really am in a lot of a pain and I really do have trouble balancing.  The last thing I want to do is fall into someone else on the train or bus.  I used to always be the one to stand up for people - especially elderly people.  Perhaps there are simply a few more of them using public transportation.  There are so many physically and mentally disabled people in The City.  I think it has a lot to do with all that San Francisco offers such people.

I really was enjoying today.  I even stopped and visited my street artist friends before my meeting since The Department of Rehabilitation is only a few blocks from Justin Herman Plaza.  It was so nice to see all of them.  It was such a beautiful day.  I pray to God that I will be able to be a street artist again - some day.  I just love it.  However, like I said, I am looking into other options just in case. 

After my "future work" meeting, I had to deal with my "present work" responsibilities.  I had to stop and buy some new ink.  I (am) so worried about getting those photos I sold printed.  I didn't want to request the wrong cartridge, so I took the old one that was, of course, empty.  The guy behind the counter asked if I wanted them to recycle it so I said, "Sure!"  I then saw on the counter a sheet advertising their photo contest.  My good friend Lisa informed me about.  I said, "Oh, I entered this!  When is the deadline?"  The guy uninterestingly replied, "I don't know.  They don't tell us those things."  I then saw the date was printed on the sheet, so I said, "Oh it's tomorrow!  I hope I win!"  He didn't say anything. 
 

 

 


It's a bit of a variety.  However, over the years, these three have been my best sellers out there.  If I win, I get  $2,000 worth of equipment rentals.  I have a couple friends in mind who I believe could burn that up with me!  I hope so.

 
I asked the man behind the counter if the Nikon D3200 was still on sale.  I know someone who is interested because we spent a lot of time in this hospital together.  He told me he was interested in a camera.  After learning about his skill level and budget, I highly suggested the Nikon D3200 and I highly suggested Calumet to buy it.  I have always loved Calumet.  The man behind the counter let me know that the sale ended this weekend.  I left the store with an impression that the guy was not a very nice employee.  However, I went ahead and called my friend and let him know that the sale was ending this weekend.  My friend said he'd go there tomorrow to buy that camera.

(Saturday,  6/1/13)
By the way, it is now Saturday and my friend just called me for Calumets number so he could figure out a way to get the camera.  He was in a wheelchair, however, the wheelchair was permitted to go with him from the hospital, but that is an issue I'd rather not involve myself in.  Basically, it's difficult for him to get there.  I've helped him quite a bit already.  I think he can buy it online, but it's in his hands now.  I'm overwhelmed myself!  And, it's Saturday!  I haven't felt like this in a long time....  In a bit....

(Back to the past - Thursday, 5/30/13)
I then took a few photos of the city.  I then figured I should jump on the train so I could catch the shuttle bus when I got back to the hospital.  It runs between the station and the hospital.  It's a close distance, but, it is up hill about 1/3 of a mile and I was tired and in quite a bit of pain at the end of the day.  When I went downstairs, I saw that the next train that was coming was a K.  I can use a K!  They stop at my station.  I ran an jumped on.  Once on, I realized I was actually on an N.  I can't use an N!  They don't stop at my station.  They go to the beach, not the top of the mountain!  I was feeling so upset.   For one, the shuttle bus stops at 6:00.  It was 5:00.  Also, Epson technical support ends at 6:00.  I was concerned about that just in case my printer has more issues than simply having an empty ink cartridge.  I have had so many problems so far, who knows!

I got off the outbound N train and then waited a bit for the inbound N train.  Inbound trains run less frequent during the evening rush hour of course.  It took a bit, but finally, one came.  Once I made it back to Van Ness Station and I was on the platform, I saw it still said that the next train arriving was, "K".  It's wrong!  I heard on the intercom say, "Outbound train, 2 car, L, L in 3 minutes".  Yeah!  Well about 10 minutes passed and once again the loud speaker had spit out the words, "Outbound train, 2 car, L, L in 3 minutes", at least 3 more times.   Then, it said, ""Outbound train, 2 car, L, L in 2 minutes".  I thought, "Oh great, that must mean 20 minutes!".  Finally, they said something about the train having a broken door.  That explained things.  Eventually it came.  Once at Forest Hill Station, my new station, I didn't see a shuttle when I got here, so I walked up the trail!  I used the trail instead of the steps! 

My dinner was in my room.  I thought, "I am going to get at least one of these pages printed so I can have myself a nice relaxing and calm meal!"  After all, I was stressing out a little bit all day about whether or not the printer would be properly working.  Well, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, and I tried, and I tried, and I tried to put the printer in its location.  It would not fit.  Finally, I realized, Mr. Niceguy from the store, sold me the wrong cartridge.  Perhaps he was spending too much time being so nice to me.  My goodness.  I know I told him the right cartridge, because he took my old one and recycled it!  AAAAHHHH!  My day just went berserk! 
 
Getting little simple things done have just been so hard.  I can't even understand, "Why?"  My goodness.  I am already overwhelmed in life.  Why does all this keep happening to me.  Plus, as much as I enjoyed today and loved hanging out with my street artists, going by my old neighborhood was heartbreaking.  On the way, I was on the train.  Just hearing the recording on the train say, "Civic Center Station", caused me to have tears in my eyes.  Seeing it was really hard.  Phil and I stood at the top of those escalators waiting for Susan to appear in her nice long black jacket and watch give her little wave.  Phil always anticipated this moment and was so excited to see her.  His little head would scoop down and put her in view and his little tail would slap my side from his excitement.   Those days are over.  They are over.

I'm on my way to a new life.  I do hope to include some of my old.  I have already mixed in some new photo sales - if I could just get my darn printer to print!  My new photo sales were from someone from a musical I photographed.  I have also looked into some new possible work opportunities by meeting with The Department of Rehabilitation today.  In some ways, I feel confident in myself.  I really want a new life.  I am so grateful to be alive.

I JUST NOW asked if I could take the cartridge back in the morning and the nurse said, "I don't know if you can tomorrow.  OOOOhhhh.  It's so close."  My goodness.  I can't tell you what that does to me.  This guy at that store really made things so hard for me!  Please God.  Please.  Please.  Please help me.

Oh my.  It's like I said, my life has so many complications lately.  I guess that could go for everyone.  I still have faith it's all going to be alright. I've been waking up without worrying too much lately, but it's continuing to know that every thing is gonna be alright that I struggle with.

I really do believe my life will be okay as long as I stay clean.  Just filling out many of those forms today at The Department of Rehabilitation Center gave me faith in that today.  I have also been partaking in some new forms of photography that have been successful.  For instance, I photographed that musical and have already made a sale from it. 
 


I just love this one.  It is a photograph of the cast of the musical, The Fantasticks.  It was a great musical and I have many more shots, just in case you're interested!  I did sell this one as well as some more personal shots to the cast.  That feels very nice!

 
I also helped my friend, who starred in that musical, he's the pirate, with the film he is making.  I love the photos I got out of it.  I'm just so excited to be "The Director of Photography" for a documentary film.  Plus, as I said, I know I have some of those musical photos sold already.  I just really love people and I love sharing the things I love to do in the art department, however, I did major in marketing I must not forget.  It was years ago, but....
 

The event always has such a great turn out.  Many of the "artists" also perform at my old hangout - Brainwash.  Brainwash even displayed my photos for a while.  I sold a few as a result.  The man in this shot, Charlie helped put this thing together 10 years ago.  Much more information and entertainment will be revealed recently as soon as this documentary is released.  The documentary will be called, "Rock, Paper, Scissors".  It will likely show at a San Francisco theater and will also be available on DVD!  I can not wait until the film is released!

I am even the Photographer for the hospitals newspaper!  In fact, the first new edition is coming out in a couple of days!  I had to get a bunch of releases signed the past couple of days.  I am looking so forward to it coming out.  Ironically, the new name of the new paper is, "The Voice!"  Go figure!  Seeing as though I always heard voices all the time when I was using!  It was the voices that directed me here after all.  It makes me laugh.  I hope I don't get busted for taking all those photos!  Like I said, I did get releases signed. 

I guess as anxious as I do become, I am also doing a lot of good things towards my future.  I still have issues.  It'll be alright.  I know this.  It's simply the cards that I dealt myself that must play these days.

I'm tired.  I will get up in the morning and proof this thing.  My brain is doing loopy loops on me right now.  I'm also seeing double and both images are incredibly blurry.  Good night!  Thanks for being my reader.  I love you for that.

(Back to the future - 6/1/13

Well, our newly revised newspaper, "The Voice" came out today.  It looks as if I have somehow managed to combine the thing I came to San Francisco to do and the thing I now love to do.  I began working at The Chronicle.   I am now a photographer.  I was an artist in high school.  I loved art.  I met Susan in art class.  While at the University of Cincinnati, I got a degree in marketing and was the Sales Manager for the "New Record" .  The News Record is U.C.'s newspaper.

I do love the way these two things feel together.  Perhaps I will be able to build my resume from it.  I feel a little better now.

This is todays cover.  The Voice!  I just love that name.  There are no coincidences in life.  God loves us all.  We must stay on track.

The printer works great.  The photos are beautiful.  However, one of the matte boards has sticky stuff on it.  AND, one of the frames has scratched plexi-glass!  I mean, seriously?  My goodness.  It just never stops with these stupid little glitches.  The thing is, mattes and frames are things I usually keep in pretty good stalk.  In fact, they are in good stock - in my storage unit!  I just happened to only grab 2 of each.  I will take them back to where I bought them - some day!  For now, I just need to get back to my storage unit.   Oh my. 



Here's my new office scene!  I just wish the little "glitches" would stop!  Having a recently broken back, two recently broken elbows and a 43 pound printer sure makes all this interesting.   I really do need these sales.  It really does feel nice to be printing photos again.  This may sound silly, but it really sooths my soul!  

The thing is, I am kind of liking my trips.  I feel like I am commuting to work.  Early next week I'll take care of this.  One of my sales has already been taken care of.  I am just awaiting the customer to arrive next week.  Being on the bus and or train is interesting as I said earlier.  I just was taught by a worker at a Muni station that I only have to pay a handicap rate.  That means I only pay 75 cents per trip instead of $2.00 per trip.  Does a computer not have a cent sign?  Anyway,  It is something I just learned and do appreciate.

Going to my storage again is a bit necessary I guess.  I need to organize it a bit better anyway.  Nothing happens by accident.  Having sticky stuff on one of my mattes and a scratched frame bothers me.  Those two things cost me at least $10.00!  Actually, those are specially cut mattes for me, so probably even more!  The guys I buy it from will give me some new ones if I return them.  It's just that that is so inconvenient for me now.  If I had a place where I could keep my stock, I'd simply switch them out and trade those things in when I need a refund. 

My neighbor, Sister, is screaming for the police to come in right now.  She is yelling, "Police, I hurt!"  She keeps yelling how she pooped her pants.  I feel so sorry for this woman.  One of the nurses just sung out, "Lady in Red!"  I don't know which nurse it was, but I don't find this to be a joke like many of these nurses and patients do.  I'm not going to go on and on about it, but I feel sorry for her - a lot.  She needs some kind of help.  I don't like when ANYONE makes fun of her.

I've decided I am going to church tomorrow.  City Church.  The thing I just realized is that one of city churches addresses, the one I am going to tomorrow, is right down the road from where "Sister" begs to go all day long.  This is not the real address, but all day she yells, "Help, Help, Help, Help, Help, Take me to 860 Powell!"  City churches (not real) address is 1260 Powell."  I have said it before that there is no such thing as a coincidence. 

My friend from the last program I was in stopped by about a week ago urging me to go back to City Church and telling me how the take care of their own.  All I know is that I have really missed that church.  I want to go simply because I always get to hear what I need to hear when I have gone in the past.  I know I belong there.

Speaking of being disabled, tomorrow I am going to take ParaTransit.    ParaTranit is a great program in San Francisco for people like me and worse.  I think I'll use it sometimes, but probably not for trips to the church.  ParaTransit will cost me $4.00 round trip.  Muni will cost me $1.50 round trip.  That means I could save $130.00 per year!

I can do the bus.  I like the bus.  Some day, I will do my bike!  I truly believe that some day, I will ride my bike again.  Riding my bike would save me $208.00 per year! 

Sister: "Help, Help, Help, Help, Help, Officer Please!  Lights off Officer Please.  Help, Help, Help, Help, Help, Open door Officer Please!  Help, Help, Help, Help, Help, close window Officer Please!"

I remember screaming for help from that room.  I was in so much pain.  I'm going to pray for her.  I care about her.  One of my readers even suggested we may be here for each other in some way.  I  have no idea how, but she may be right.  I'll tell you one thing, I'm going near that address she has been yelling out since the day she got here.  I'm going just down the street in fact.  I look forward to going to church tomorrow.  Thanks sister.  Sure doesn't seem like an accident to me.  Or a coincidence.  It seem as though that may be how she is here for me to some degree.  It is.

Just now, as I went to push publish, I heard a nurse say, "Thank you Lord for putting (Sister) here!"  I can't deny those words.  They sound good to me.

"Everything's gonna be alright!"

 

 

 

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!