Stayin' Alive

I do love the way The Universe works.  That's such a simple statement for such a complex and extremely unbelievable existence I, or we, find ourselves.  We got a new patient yesterday.  She joined us for our morning get together that includes coffee, cookies and news. 
 
She is very social.  She is also much like me.  She heard voices and attempted suicide by jumping off a rooftop.  Hers was 4 floors, mine was 5 - I think. 

I don't actually remember the jump.  I do remember wondering how long the crushing sensation would last when I hit, depending on if I was on the 4th or 5th floor.  I so badly did not want to do it, however, I believed it would help The Universe of Good.  This was something I supplied none of to The Universe - Good that is.  While I was insane, I was probably not all that wrong in my beliefs.
 
I just started working on my laptop.  I recently downloaded an anti-virus software that my mentor, Dale, suggest I do.  While I am very impressed, I didn't like it as my homepage.  It was just to plain looking.  It is actually a Yahoo search engine, but it called itself AVG, since AVG is what the anti-virus is. 
 
So I changed it to Bing which is a homepage that, at first, I did not like.  I used to prefer Yahoo or Google.  However, Bing grew on me.  I love the incredibly beautiful photographs (go figure) it uses to surround the area in which one types what they are searching for.  They are usually incredibly beautiful natural landscapes.  

Well, today the extremely beautiful photograph was something I have never seen used by this site. It was a cityscape.  The city was Baltimore.  I found this Universally interesting because my new friend who I have so much in common with is from Baltimore.  Nothing happens by accident.  Today at lunch she said she was so glad I didn't die.  I feel the same about her.  In fact, I will unofficially be her Mentor as it was suggested I become by my Mentor in my last blog.
 
I love The Universe.  Speaking of The Universe, my friend, The Pinball Wizard is back!  He's very, very sluggish and tired, but he made it back.  I prayed for him a lot.  If anyone else did - thank you!  I told him what I did and he was very grateful and very impressed.  I told him how I used his song.  He then told me how he used to be in a band in Seattle.  I thought this was pretty cool.  It was years ago, long before the grunge era of course, but I still admire him.  I'm sure Seattle has always had a nice music scene.
 

The Pinball Wizard said he's feeling better, but he still seems a bit sluggish.  He's been to General three time in three days!  I'm sure he could use some more prayer, so I will certainly provide it.  Thank you so much to those of you who prayed for him before.  HE also appreciates it!  Thank you.

The Pinball Wizard (I got his permission - of course)

 
The lady who runs the morning group gave me some photograph release forms for the newspaper.  This is very cool because it kind of feels official to me.  Basically I will ask people to fill the out and sign them so we can print their image in the paper.  I've done this before with Susan when we used to photograph cyclist for Bike to Work day and would have them post them on 511.org.  511.org is the website that San Franciscans use to help themselves navigate San Francisco. 

I personally use word of mouths agreements for my blog.  It's not like it's that big or I have any money.  I just do it because I respect people and I would never do something that made someone feel uncomfortable - like put up a photo that they didn't like. 
 
So, it really feels like my participation in the Newspaper really makes sense.  I really do seem to have "an eye" for photographable things!  A few weeks ago, I mentioned in a blog how San Francisco had broken ground on what will be the tallest building on the West Coast.  I also said how before my incident, I was noticing how many skyscrapers were being built.  I noticed so many buildings skeletons and all the huge cranes all over the city! 
 
I am such a skyscraper nut!  I love then so much.  I love to watch them go up.  Most of them are going up in the neighborhood Susan and I lived for 9 years.  I was so impressed, I wanted to photograph them and write a blog about their construction!  I even said in this blog that it was still an obtainable goal for me to accomplish as I got healthy!  The blog I am speaking of is Dreamer - Touch of Grey.

Well, I guess my old employer beat me to it.  It was a huge front page story in the San Francisco Chronicle today.  A Sunday!  It turns out most of the high rises are going to be places for people to live like apartments or condos.  Well, I knew there were a bunch.  In fact, I estimated 15 new high rises being built in my blog.  Well, the last time I went out, while driving down Market Street, I noticed even more were under construction.  The Chronicle reports that there are more than two dozen under construction!  That is so amazing.  This very densely populated city with many skyscrapers is going to be denser with even more skyscrapers!  In fact, San Francisco is the second most densely populated city in the  country.  The First is New York City - of course. 

Years ago when I was looking for a city to move to, I looked towards New York and San Francisco.  I think San Francisco won due to the weather.  I still love the weather here! 

I also love seeing all these high rises.  I feel so good.  I love big cities.  You know what else feels good?  That fact that I can feel good about such a thing - something that is not about me!  Such a thing warms my soul.  lol. 

It makes me feel good that I was on top of a photographical event.  It is a pretty obvious one.  That fact that I wanted to write about it may actually say something.  I am looking forward to working for this newspaper at the hospital.  I am feeling so confident about my future possibilities beyond being a street artist.  I feel like I really needed such a boost. 

I do have a long way to go - physically and mentally, but I feel like I'm going to be okay some day.  I love life.  I love life!  I don't know why I cry?  Every song on the radio speaks to me one way or another. 

I don't even know what song to use.  I want to take some photos of that newspaper article, simply because it is so amazing how many skyscrapers are being built!  Just being in the city is amazing.  I really do look forward to being down there!  It gives me so much energy.  I think I should rush out of this hospital on the mountain down to the city below!  I don't need "physical therapy!"  Yeah right. 

I'm just being stupid and silly!  I will stick around.  I really do want to be here, but there is a beautifully attractive city drawing me in out there!  She will always be there.  I will simply take it one day at a time. 

It is so beautiful this Sunday!  I'm going to treat it like a Sunday.  I think I'll go find my new friend and ask her is she would like to go out back to see the farm with me!  That's what mentors are for! 


Ooops! Wait!  Me.  Remember?  Let's not get ahead of myself and rush out of this hospital to quickly.  I have to do my physical therapy first.

  

 

Above are my 5 physical therapy instruction I am to accomplish twice a day.  It's nice to have a nice little physical routine.  I took it with my webcam on my computer, so sorry it's not to clear!  I also could have lightened on Photoshop, but I want to get to the zoo!

 

Feels much better to have done a little exercise!  It's not running 5 miles as I did before, but I have to start somewhere.  My physical therapist said I probably would not be able to run 5 miles a day anymore.  She said I could use an elliptical. While this was nice to hear, I do love running through the actual city.  She asked if I like to ride bikes?  I'm an avid cyclist in this city!  In this city, that's a huge deal!  That made me so happy.  In fact, I have a Cannondale Urban Bike.  It's light and it's fast!  It is the best and the fastest way to navigate the streets San Francisco!  Perhaps I should lighten up on the "fastest" part.

Okay, the beautiful farm/zoo!  I'll be back.

I'm back.  As I mentioned above, I wanted to put photos of todays newspaper so everyone could see just what I am talking about and how many buildings are going up!  It's incredible.

The focus horrible, but you get the picture of how many red dots there are!

 



All these red dots are on Market and Mission.   This even includes smaller housing projects.   In top right hand corner is the photo of the Transbay Terminal Tower.  I placed it's photo in my recent blog - Dreamer - Touch of Grey.



This is right next door to where Susan and I lived.  This is Mission Street.  It looks like it runs from 8th Street to 11th Street.  We lived on 7th and Minna.  Minna is 1/3 of a block way from Mission.  It is an alley.  Mission and Market run parallel.    They were being built all around us those 9 years we lived there too.   

Well, I didn't manage to find my friend to show her the farm out back, but someone else did, so that's good.  We did hang out at dinner and actually found out one more interesting thing about us.  We have the same birthday!  Talk about coincidental.  The difference about our birthdays is, the birthday I am referring to is the my NEW birthday, the one I referred to it in the first paragraph of the last blog, Wonderful World. 

It feels like my writing is tuning into The Universe.  Basically, I was referring to how many times I had to start over last year.  Coincidently enough, I wrote:

I guess I started over, at LIFE, by attempting suicide and being unsuccessful.  That happened January 15th.  That date I DO remember.  That date I will ALWAYS remember.  It is my new BIRTHDAY! Thank you GOD.

January 15th is her actual Birthday.  I do have to believe that The Universe was not playing tricks on us however.  As we both said, "Nothing happens by accident." 

She found it so coincidently amazing that we both survived the same way and ended up in the same place.  I explained how each blog includes at least one song and usually has a song's name as the title.   I even wrote earlier, "I don't even know what song to use", so I told her that she had to pick the song which would be the title for this blog.  She started singing and dancin', Stayin' Alive -  of course!



 

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm.
I've been kicked around since I was born.
And now it's all right, it's O.K.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin'
And ev'rybody shakin'
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Well now, I get low and I get high
And if I can't get either I really try.
Got the wings of heaven on my shoes
I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose.
You know it's all right, it's O.K.
I'll live to see another day.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin'
And ev'rybody shakin'
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Stayin' alive
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm.
I've been kicked around since I was born.
And now it's all right, it's O.K.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Feel the city breakin'
And ev'rybody shakin'
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Stayin' alive
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowhere.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Stayin' alive  




Wonderful World

I have to admit that life is going pretty good for me these days.  I mean considering my entire situation, I can't complain.  Basically, I have to start over.  Again.  I mean I did start to start over a few times in the past year.  I mean, I can't even get into the whole "actual time" thing.  I started over by going into a program.  I guess that was in March.  I started over again when I got kicked out.  I guess that was in August.  I started over when I re-began my street artist business.  I guess that was in September.  I started over (using again) when I relapsed.   I guess that was in November.  I guess I started over, at LIFE, by attempting suicide and being unsuccessful.  That happened January 15th.  That date I DO remember.  That date I will ALWAYS remember.  It is my new BIRTHDAY! Thank you GOD.

I don't like even saying those words, "attempted suicide", but I guess it's what it was.  I was crazy and on drugs, but facts are facts I guess.  My facts these past few days have been beautiful facts.  Talk about starting over!  I'm so glad that I can start over by learning how to walk again.  I'm smiling and tears are entering my eyes.  I can't help it.  Wow.  I don't even understand how I got to such a point in my life.  I mean it is wrong, but I do feel good.  And, I kind of feel sad at the same time. 

God has been so present these past few days!  I mean that.  So many people have come to me and told me how I have helped them.  At the same time, I have had people come to me in this hospital lately who I can tell are addicts, but they have not yet been able to say the words, "I'm an addict".  I never preach to anyone or tell anyone what to do or anything about themselves.  They are on their path.  Our paths cross.  I simply tell people The Truth about me.  And, I am brutally honest.  My doing so brings out something in people. 

I am nobody special.  This being said, I hear people tell me I am someone special all the time.  People also tell me I am a miracle.  It's so weird to hear these things.  I guess the miracle part comes from my near death experiences.  I have survived a few and I make really good comebacks I guess.  I believe part of the reason for this is that I have physically cared for myself for many years of my life. I guess I am special in the fact that I am so messed up and have done so many messed up things.  That's nothing to be to proud of.  God does love me.  That's special.  Well, I do care.  I have been through a lot.  I am strong.  I guess these things make me special.  Plus, being as hardcore of an addict as I have, even if it has led me to an extremely dark place, has opened up so many doors for me.  I have seen things, heard things....  I do know things.

A nurse told me today how amazing I was here.  I don't even do that much here.  I'm even quiet.  This is how I plan to remain.  She also told me she "KNEW" I was going to be someone.  I'm not saying I'm able to take or believe in predictions, however, I do appreciate her feeling such a way about me.  Even if such a prediction were reality, I wouldn't want it.  I mean that.  I really mean that.  I think?  I mean, I would like to be someone who doesn't have to worry about the things I've dealt with in the recent past.  Things like hurting ones who love me.  Or, being homeless.  Or, attempting suicide.  I just would love to be someone who gets to live a peaceful life in this beautiful city.  I want to be close to God.  I don't want to worry about my next meal or my next place to sleep.  I want to be able to have visitors.  Visitors like friends and family.  I would also like to visit friends and family.  I also want to go camping.  This state is so beautiful.

I stood up two days ago!  On two feet without using my arms at all!  I walked a few steps yesterday!  I mean I had some assistance with some of those parallel bars, but I walked!!  Just writing this makes me cry.  God.  I'm sorry, I 'm just trying to be honest.  I hope my roommate is sleeping!  I can't help it.  I'm alive!

Three and a half months ago doctors didn't think I'd live.  The only think I remember was doctors telling me I would never walk.  That occurred about a month after the doctors didn't think I'd live.   I was in a coma.  When doctors told me I wouldn't walk, I did not want to believe them, but I wasn't surprised.  I felt SO bad.  I was in so much pain and I could hardly move my legs.  I was almost completely unable to move the left leg.  I could barely move anything on my body.  I had so many other serious health problems back then that I won't even talk about.  I still do. However, I will say that the passed few days I had a great amount of improvement in that area.  I am getting better.

Suddenly, I just had a memory.  Being in such an environment is hard.  Back when I was in that drug recovery program, there were lots of deaths.  One of them I had gotten really close to.  Well, this morning, I heard "cold blue" announced over the intercom.  Every time I hear that come over the speaker in the morning here, I know what it means, I just always hope it's no one I know.  Well, this morning, it was.  He's not dead, but he's not doing to great.  They took him to General.  Last night, he hung out with us and we did Karaoke.  He wasn't doing to great.  He had just had a surgery I guess.  He was holding the microphone most of the night.  Half the time he was not awake.  I do remember him singing "Wonderful world".   We had two microphones.  He had one and I had the other.  He sounded awesome.   He's an older guy and his voice was a perfect Louis Armstrong voice!  Now I am crying, because I don't know....  I'm just crying.  It was a beautiful moment.  I think he'll be okay.  I hope so and I will pray for him.

I guess I'll try to end this on a good note!  That good note is mentoring.  That last program I was in assigned me two mentors right before the exited me.  I'll have to say, it was a great thing for me for them to do.  In fact, my two mentors came over today and hung out for a while.  It was Anna's birthday!  We hung out at the farm out back!  It was fun.  We took some photos.  In fact, I typed something up for some of the photos I took today.  What I typed went like this:

Dale Tan and Anna Amato are my two Mentors from the last program I was in. The two have them have stuck with me every since. They have been incredibly loyal! They visit once a week, usually on Fridays. Today it was Saturday. It was Anna's birthday so we visited the farm/zoo out back. These two have been great Mentors.

Yesterday, I picked up a Mentor for the hospital I am currently in. She is going to help me get the needs I need. I feel very good about her helping me.

Today, my Mentor Anna said that I would make a good Mentor someday! That meant so much to me. These guys give me great advice. I like to know that I will be able to help and inspire others some day.  (Actually, I get many comments from people reading this blog telling me I inspire them.)

Dale has given me great advice recently in computer software for photography and the computer. In fact, he just advised me to download a photo software that helps me stay organized and an antivirus software for my new computer.

These two were assigned to me because Dale is an amazing photographer who is getting his Masters in photography. Anna is a book editor! She read my blog.  She even says she likes it.  She also says it could use some editing. I figured as much coming from a professional. All's I'm after is The Truth! The Truth is, they have both become good friends!

On the way into the farm out back we ran into Backdoor Bunny.   It cost to get back there you know.   He made some calls - got us into the real deal!   He knows me.  He just likes to hook me up.

That's why I got the "GOAT ATTACK".  Dale posted it using these exact words on Facebook.



Well, after a little bit of neGOATiation...



And a lot of, "Give momma sum dat...."

 



We ended up where we usually end up. Believe me.  I am a tweaker!  Sickly, silly and sadly enough  ---  I've done it all.



  

That got me straight up out that wheelchair!   Heck, that whole thing was so good, I can't even tell if I was laughin', lovin' or cryin'!  Probably all of the above!  Thanks girl!   I CAN STAND!

 

It has truly been a good few days.  People really have let me know that I am making a difference in their lives.  I'm so glad to hear that - being in the ridiculous hardcore state I'm in!  It means a lot.  

As far as my whole "exit" possibilities.  They do seem to have lightened and lessoned.  I have simply done all I have been doing - being honest and doing the next right thing.  People have come my way.  That's where that new Mentor for this hospital came in.  If need be, she will help me out.  I'd like to believe it will all work out for everyone.  I am not wanting to be here forever or take advantage of anything.  I love this place, but I do want to move on.  It has helped me s0 much.

It has helped me in more ways than physical ways.  It has helped me deal with the real world in a way I have not in a long time.  I believe I can get a job and be a professional again - someday.  I would love to utilize the amazing facilities here and I have started.  My first physical therapy session was yesterday.  I WALKED!  Today, I did my weekend homework physical therapy that was assigned.  I loved it.  It was exercise to help strengthen my stomach and legs!  I love exercising.    I also love people.

I say that because I just quickly got a thought of my buddy who's at General tonight.  I'll never use names or photos without permission, so I won't use his.  God knows exactly who he is, but if people would just do me a little favor and pray for my friend.  Let's get back like old times and give him a nickname.  Let's call him The Pinball Wizard.  That's because he always plays the video games here.  Just pray for Gods Will please.  That's what I will do for him.  He is a good guy. 

We have two microphones and I did sing it with The Pinball Wizard.

 

   

 I see trees of green........ red roses too
I see em bloom..... for me and for you
And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue..... clouds of white
Bright blessed days....dark sacred nights
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are also on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin.. how do you do
They're really sayin......i love you.

I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
They'll learn much more.....than I'll never know
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world

(instrumental break)

The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are there on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin.. how do you do
They're really sayin...*spoken*(I ....love....you).

I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
*spoken*(you know their gonna learn
A whole lot more than I'll never know)
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself .......what a wonderful world.

Good Lovin'

4/22/12

Well, tomorrow is the BIG DAY.  Tomorrow, is the day I'm told if my lower body is weight barring.  If my bones are determined to be weight barring, then I will be allowed to see if I can walk again.  It seems most Doctors believe I will be able to some day.  I believe I will be able to.  I'm not sure what it is, but I do feel confident.   

Actually, I do know what it is.  I pretty much stand up on my right leg holding on to bars when I am in the bathroom.  I used to just slide over from my chair to the toilet seat very carefully, mostly using my upper body.  It was determined to be weight barring a while ago.  I shattered both elbows, but they did seem to heal faster.  They do hurt, but not so bad.  And, when it comes to doing something so private, I really try to do it!

My shattered left ankle is in so much less pain than it was before.  I believe it took the first hit of my 50 foot fall. The second area to hit, was my lower back.  My lower backbone shattered.  My pelvis broke in two places.  It too has been in a lot of pain.  I'll admit, when I do try to stand, I do feel kind of crooked.  I feel like I can't stand straight up.  Kind of like my left arm can only flatten to about a 45 degree angle due to my left elbow being smashed.  My elbows must have hit third. 

All of these major injuries created a lot of nerve damage also.  I am almost as worried about my nerve damage as I am bone damage.  In the beginning, my right leg  was in a lot of pain because of nerve damage.  It has a major effect on my having to go to the restroom.  I don't like to discuss the details much, but both ways of using the restroom take so much effort and do hurt.  I no longer have to catheterize myself but it is still difficult to urinate.  The other part is still incredibly difficult and something I believe I can only accomplish in a private and/or understanding setting.  I try to stick with The Truth, but I'll admit, this subject embarrasses me.

I guess, what I am heading for with this writing is the fact that I used to really look forward to the day when I received physical therapy inside this hospital so I could walk.  There are just so many helpful facilities here.  I really will put 110% into it.  I mean that. 

I am so looking forward to having an excellent and successful life now that I am ALIVE!  You see, I really feel this way - sometimes?  It's how I really want to always feel.  My brain is so messed up.  It's embarrassing how I feel sometimes.  My eyes are full of tears right now.  I don't like being this way.  I want to feel the way I used to feel in life when things were going my way.  Being an addict is probably much of the reason.  I guess I also have brain damage AND, I am on lots of medication.  I don't know what it all is.  I get so confused.

I pray I get to start learning how to walk tomorrow.  I can't tell you how much it will mean to me if I can walk.  I know it won't happen tomorrow.  I have faith I will walk some day, but not tomorrow.  I guess what I'm mean is I hope they schedule a physical therapy appointment tomorrow for me to try to walk in the near future. I just hope and pray the hospital will give me time to actually walk and be fairly normal in the restroom - in the long run. 

I never thought I would have so many worries on - "the trying to begin to walk day."  I've just had a lot going on.  I've been sad.  I miss my family.  However, I will get to see them soon.  I will go back to Cincinnati some day and see everyone.  I will.

My writing doesn't even feel right anymore.  It feels so - goofy.  I can't even think of a word.  I do know this is a real something.  I'm not getting my head back as fast as I used to in recovery.  I've got somewhere near 100 days  (I checked, it's 98) clean and my head is still not all there.  I hope it's not that brain damage they tell me about.  If so, I hope it too gets better. 

I'm sorry it's not what it needs to be.  God is the important part.  Not to be too "Truthful", but my roommate is sitting behind a curtain about 5 feet from me - pooping!  If I would have known this, I would have gotten into my wheel chair and split.  Can I???

Okay, I'm back.  I did split and went and got me some coffee.  I'll say, that is one thing about me.  I am getting better.  I am capable of quickly getting in my wheel chair and I can move - quick!  I've always been quick.  Well, not always.  A few weeks ago I was not quick!  I was sick.   This man - sick.  He has a long way to go.  I remember my days of using a fold up commode.  Thank God I had a private room.  Thank God, I only used it for a couple of days.  I made sure of that!

My beginning days of, "poo, poo", as all the nurses call it were so horrible.  In the very beginning, I didn't go.  I was so out if it, I didn't realize.  Eventually, I became so "compacted".  Talk about PAIN!  I had one nurse hold me in the front.  Another Nurse took a stick and stuck it up me to get everything out!  She spun it round and round up there, OUCH!  Oh my, I'm so glad it's no longer those days.  Wow. 

I am getting better, just give me a little more time.  I promise you, I'm not here enjoying my neighbors , "poo, poo", session!  I wasn't even really paying much attention to what was going on over there, on his side of the curtain, or I would have left a few minutes before.   I heard him hit his call button, he simply said, "poo, poo."  I thought possibly he already had or he needed help going to the restroom.  He's not as hurt as I was, and was able to quickly get to his commode.  Like I said, I don't want to stay here.  I just really have to physically!

I am much better.  I know I'm heading in the right direction.  I am a strong person.  I'm not bragging, but I just realize that I have been through so much for so long and it has made me strong in those crazy mental ways.  When I'm clean, I physically exercise a lot.  Heck, when I'm using, I exercise a lot.  One night, I walked 40 miles in one night when I was tweaking - literally!   After all, It's what the voices order me to do.

The Truth is, I'm really liking "working" here.  I like the idea of working for the news paper here.  I could spend a lot of time doing so.  The Truth is, I have actually started thinking about how maybe I will get to be a street artist again.  Or, at least sell my photos some how.  With all the time I have, I figured I'd start looking for new images on one of my detachable hard drives to sell.  I did find some really amazing high rise photos to consider.  I thought how cool they'd look with black mattes and black frames.  Or, maybe white on white as one of my old high school friends shared that idea with me today.  She bought one of my photos and she wanted it wanted it to be black and white.   I loved it!  Anyway, here are these awesome images.

The thing about these images is, I took them in October of 2010.  I'm breaking down just thinking about it.  I'm trying to do so quietly. 

Okay,  I'm emotionally back a bit.  I also took a couple photos that morning while at breakfast.  I won't include them.  I'm sure she wouldn't mind, but I won't.  The photos are of Susan and Phil.  We must have had breakfast that morning. We were sitting at a little table outside on the sidewalk.  There was a little area to eat.  She is smiling and has a big fruity looking breakfast drink in front of her and had Phil on her lap.

I know we're over.  We know that.  I will always love her.  I don't want to be with her, I just miss what we had together sometimes for 22 years.  She was my high school sweetheart.  I want her and her husband and her daughter to have the most beautiful family life in the world.  She deserves the best.  Enough.

It's just a hard time for me right now.  I'm in a lot of pain in a lot of ways.  I do get a lot of loving support.  I can't tell you how much I love people these days.  I mean that.  It's this new sensation for me.  I mean, I've always loved people, but this last near death experience has perhaps changed me. 

I can't even believe I can even write, "this last near death experience," - my goodness.  It has been tough for those who do care about me.  I've come really close to death a few times.  Even my stepmother pointed that out to me.  This one was the worse.  It was bad.   I was in a unconscious for almost  a month and had many surgeries during that time.

I don't ever want to be that way again.  I won't.  I promise.  Well, if it's up to me at least. 

I guess being a photographer will make life hard in some ways.  I mean I do have a lot of photo memories to look back on.  Much of it will truly be heartache.  I hope that some day, I can look back and smile at all those great times we had.  After all, that's when I had the camera out, when things were good.  I hope to make some new good memories in this amazingly beautiful city some day.  It's kind of like I am just mourning the end of a relationship.  We are still very good friends.  I do give her plenty of space for her new relationship of course.  It's not as if all my craziness is not a little tough for her, but it seems were good now. 

I hope I can walk!  I pray I can walk.  My Goodness.  Tomorrow is the day.  Tomorrow I may learn a lot.  I won't really walk, but they should be able to look at all my X-rays and then start me on the right path.  A path of physical therapy that I will heal to my best again.  It's all about love.

Yesterday, I was out taking photos.  It felt nice taking a walk outside.  I saw some homes up on the hills.  I smelled that fresh San Francisco air.  And, then I began thinking of all it meant to Sus and I.  I started to cry.  A bit later, I heard the DJ, say he was going to play a San Francisco classic.  It was hard at first.  This band meant more to Susan and I than any band!  However, as I really listened to what these guys had to say, I really heard The Universe.  My  heart was filled with joy and love so much.  I smiled so big.  It was such a beautiful day!  Wow.  I'm sorry, but I'm moved just thinking about it.  In fact, I can't wait to post it in a couple minutes and listen to it.  I love it!  I do think The Universe really speaks for us .  Sometimes, when I look and listen, The Universe will play out that way for me.  I pray it continues to. 

I guess it even kind of takes me back to the first blog I ever wrote on BlogSpot.com after Susan and I divorced and I was homeless.  That blog was about a lot of things, but the song I chose was the song Susan and I danced to at our wedding.  That song was Standing on the Moon.

 

I took this photo while out front listening to Good Lovin'.



I took this photo some other night while in San Francisco and eventually chose to put it at the beginning of that first blog I began to write again.

4/24/13

I must quickly add (yeah right), that this is the 10oth blog I have written since I started writing again a little over a year ago.  I was homeless.  I started writing my blog at the San Francisco Public Library.  Although I was homeless, I had started to stay at homeless shelters.   

I believed that since my blog had helped me stay clean in the past, it may possibly do so again in the future.  I hoped so.  I believed writing my blog would at least hold me accountable to the many people I disappeared from and to so many who had no idea what a wreck my life had become.  I also believed in the power of The Truth.

Since I was divorced and now homeless, the first blog I chose to write since I relapsed and stopped writing my blog was Standing on the Moon:  

Somewhere in San Francisco,
on a back porch in July, 
Just looking up to Heaven
at this crescent in the sky 

Standing on the moon,
with nothing better to do
a lovely of heaven
but I'd rather be with you

Readership started off pretty slow back then.  After I attempted suicide it got to where I got over 200 hits for each blog.  In fact, Friends and Lovers, which I posted February 18th got 255 hits. 

Readership has started to drop a little since then, however I just broke 10,000 hits today.  As of now I have 10,008 hits.  I believe that I have a couple hundred readers.  Some come and go.  Some are very loyal. 

Basically, I guess I can now say that I have averaged 100 hits since I started writing a year ago.  Pretty cool considering this is my 100th blog since I began writing it again.  I hadn't written it since 2010. 

You know what else is cool?  I have 100 days clean tomorrow.  I have 100 days clean today if your one of my "back East" readers.  It's 9:48PM on 4/23/13.   I'm such a dork about coincidences!

Oh yeah, I'm calling this one Good Lovin', so I thought I should post a couple photos I took today of the Good Lovin' I receive from this hospital.

Some of my very nice Nurses chose to do a Charlie's Angels pose for me this morning!  They really are sweet, really do care and really are fun to be around sometimes.  I really do love this place.

I also chose to go to a "special" art class.  It was not during any normally scheduled art class times.  When I got there, I was pleasantly surprised to see what we were to decorate.  Above is mine.  I guess the next class I will get to stain it. 
 

While I don't consider myself a Christian, it is the closest religion I relate to I guess.   When I was very young I attended a Christian church.  I was exited from a Christian program about 8 months ago.   When I am capable,  I will attend the church I chose to go to while in that program - City Church.   I  must admit, I do love what the Bible has to say - most of the time.  I believe it is a beautiful and divinely inspired book. 

I don't believe people should fight over religious differences - of any size!  For the most part, I believe that any religions that lead to Good Lovin' with God works.

Since it is 4/23 and I have already been to that Doctors appointment to determine if I was weight barring on my lower extremities, it happened.  And, so far I'm not.  It's not a big deal, but I have to go back to General Hospital on Thursday and have some more tests done.  They have to use a special X-ray to see if I have to have another surgery on my ankle.  It wouldn't be a really serious surgery and they seemed very confident that I will be able to walk some day.  I'll keep you guys posted.


Back to what I wrote on 4/22:

I pray I can stay here for therapy.  I pray my physical conditions improve.  I pray this night pain doesn't continue - I just got my night medicine so, I pray the pain is not too bad tonight.  I pray I can walk some day soon.  I pray I can get on with LIFE some day soon - as much as I can.  Any amount of a fair shot, I will adore.  Deep down inside, I do know this.  Thank you  God - for LIFE.  I will listen to this song and before I go to bed, I am going to read The Bible some.  So much of my life is at stake soon. This really means a lot to me.  Thank you for all this God.  I thank my friends and family for all their support.  I also pray for you.  God bless you all. 

One thing I believe about my future is that whatever happens to me in the next few weeks will happen.  For as long I live and as long as I stay clean and I get some GOOD LOVIN', I'll be fine.

 

I was feelin' so bad
I asked my family doctor just what I had
I said, "Doctor, Mr. M.D."
(Doctor, doctor)
"Now can you tell me what's ailin' me"
(Doctor)

He said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Yes, indeed
All I, I really need

Good lovin'
(Now gimme that good, good lovin')
Good lovin'
(All I need is lovin')
Good lovin'
(Good, good lovin', baby)
Good lovin'

Honey, please squeeze me tight
(Squeeze me tight)
Don't you want your baby to be all right
(Be all right)

I said, "Baby, now it's for sure"
(Baby, it's for sure)
"I got the fever, yeah, and you got the cure"
(Got the cure)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Yes indeed
All I really need

Good lovin'
(C'mon, gimme that lovin')
Good lovin'
(All I need is lovin')
Good lovin'
(Good, good lovin', baby)
Good lovin'

Good lovin'
Good lovin'

Good lovin'
(All I need is lovin')
Good lovin'
(All I want is lovin')
Good lovin'
(Lovin' early in the morning)
Good lovin'
(Lovin' you late at night)

Good lovin'
(Love, love)
Good lovin'
(Love, love, love, love, lovin')
 

Beautiful Day

"If you are gonna save my life, at least give me something to live for."  That is probably a little bit over the top for me to say, but I can't deny that it is how I have felt recently. 

My last blog was actually pretty positive.  Yesterday, I even photographed an event here for the newspaper as I was asked to do.  I was also excited about my new possibilities believing they may even help me establish something for me to put on my resume.  After all, I did once work at The San Francisco Chronicle.  I have also been writing for years.  I have been an artistic photographer and street artist for 8 years. 

The problem with that (street artist part) is I am physically unable to do that any more.  I used to and would have to push it all on a cart a pretty long ways.  In addition to being physically unable, I guess it could be said that I am also mentally unable.  I guess that's the best way to put it since I am an addict. 

I was recently, once again, taken by surprise when one of my doctors began talking about my "exit plan". Don't get me wrong, I want to get on with life someday, but I am physically unable.  I have so many things going on right now also.  I'm in the process of seeing if I'll get my insurance. I would really like to see if that is going to work out first.  The group who is working on that for me is waiting on medical records from the hospital I am in.  I did what I could to make sure that is going to happen.  I'm told they'll be faxed - Monday.

I take so much medication also.  I don't even know how much I get and when!  It's not that I can't learn, but....  I'm just so exhausted over all this.  Mentally....  Well, I'm told I have brain damage, but I think I'm okay most of the time.  I have tears in my eyes now.  I'm going to go eat dinner.  I'll be back to write later, or whenever.

Well, I'm back from dinner.  I feel better.  I happened to run into three guys.  Two of them are guys that I have been told to talk to if I have any questions about anything important here.  They are both residents.  I am actually pretty good friends with one of them.  He is also with the news paper.  The third guy used to be a resident.  It turns he got here the same way I did.  He is an addict who attempted suicide by jumping off a rooftop.  All three of them told me to not be worried about being asked to leave.  They told me I could leave when I wanted to. 

I do believe them for saying this, because I know they have all made it possible.  I am especially feeling better about the guy who is a lot like me, because he is a lot like me!  He left when he was able and he went to a residential drug rehab program for 3 months and he now has an apartment that he was helped to get.  I even know a few of his relatives.  His mom and dad are very successful street artist who I have known and respected for years.  An uncle of his is involved with and helps a very important group that I have been a part of when I have been clean - The Wharfrats.  The Wharfrats is a group of dead heads who have decided to live their lives and attend their shows clean - and together.  In fact, I was the secretary of one of the two  weekly meetings in San Francisco.  I also know his uncle.  It sure is a small world - in our world.

While I do feel better, I am nervous - about me.  These guys made it clear that the doctors will always try to push you out.  I'm sure the doctors are pressured to do so.   After all, they are kind here and do seem to care.   I worry about my ability to be "persuaded".  In fact, two days ago I was asked to leave the room I was in.  I had a private room.  My nurse told me not to let them persuade me and that I had a right to keep that room, but I was of course persuaded.  I was told  that a woman needed the room and there was a double room that had an empty space that was occupied by a man that I could be moved into since I was also a man.  I of course felt that a woman needed to be in this hospital so here I am.  - in my new room!  I do miss my privacy, but this new room does have an entire wall that is made of windows.  My roommate is also quiet enough.  In fact, my typing right now is probably bothering him.  I've been told by many that I type loud.  I type with purpose!  I'll admit, I get things done when I want things done.  This of course means that when I feel physically able get on with my life - I will!  I want to.

Anyway, I do feel better.  I do want to finish this, but now I hear another one of my friends I've made down the hall chatting it up with those guys, so I'll be back in a few to finish up.  I'll try to keep this one short and positive.  The Truth is, I do have a lot of negative physical issues about me that I want to finish this blog with.  These issues are part of the reason I want them to understand that I am not ready to leave and I want them to understand that I need time.  So as the once governor of California, Arnold Swarzenegger used to say, "I'll be back."
 
I'm back.  I do feel a lot better now.  I spent some more time with my friends.  The one friend I said I could hear "chatting it up" and I hung out for a couple hours.  I'm helping him make a decision on what kind of camera to purchase and I am teaching him how to be a photographer.  I like helping people.  I do like this place.  It is not as if I want to just be here though.  I do want to move on.  It turns out the other guy I met who gave me all the good information and is a lot like me is actually a mentor here.  So I know he is giving good advice. 
 
I do still fear leaving.  I am just physically a lot more sick than I appear.  I'll admit, I do always try to put on a positive attitude and appearance while here, but I need to honest about my reality when I am alone.  Plus,  I really want to utilize the incredible services offered here to get better.  I thought that's what this was all about.  I thought that is why I was holding off on physical therapy - to help me walk until I became "weight barring" on my feet and my lower back bone.  I mean I was looking forward to utilizing the brand new weight room and swimming pools to help me get back to being someone who could walk and have other improvements in my physical being to be more normal.  Like I said, I do have a lot of physical issues.   I just don't feel the street would be as beneficial of a place to heal myself on as I did before.  I do have a lot further to go this time.  And, honestly, I will likely always have issues.  That hurts for me to write, but.... 

That doctor let met know that I could be exited once I became weight barring on my lower areas!  This is ridiculous to me.  I really will work hard to get out of here also.  I mean, I used to run 5 miles a day and do 100 sit ups and 70 push ups per day - on the street, before all this!  Please, please give me a chance to get healthy enough to be in drug rehab facility so I can make the best of my horrible mistake. 
 
A part of me that I really don't like to talk about with anyone is the part that I really don't want to be in a place other than where I am for now.  I mean, if it doesn't keep getting better, I guess I'll have no choice.  However, it does seem to be getting better, very slowly, but very surely.  I have a lot going on in my "going to the restroom" issues.  I won't get into all the detail, but it sometimes takes me a long time.  That long time is painful.   I also really need a very private setting.  This something I really probably shouldn't type, but I'm trying to keep this thing about The Truth. 

(It is the next day, and I have to add a quick little something.  Last night, at about 1:30 in the morning, I had the most painful episode I just spoke of.  It is not something "being in a shelter" would have made sense in.  I even discussed it with the nurses it was so bad.  I feel better today, but I just needed to point that out.  I felt it to be awfully strange timing.  Oh well, I do see the words I started the next paragraph with, so I'll keep proof reading so I can post this blog.)

God really is good.  I know that.  I truly believe everything will work out.  I'll probably meet with my new mentor friend next week.  We kind of scheduled to do so next Thursday.  He said that I could meet with his boss.  I really am amazed by this guy.  He really gives me some hope and he is actually pretty inspiring.  He actually lost his leg when he jumped.  He now has a prosthetic leg.  It is a very nice one from what I can see.  It really looks like the kind someone can run in.  I'm not too familiar, but it really looks nice.  I just see this man as a man who now knows how to get what he wants and needs. 
 
I really do just want my experience here to be remembered as a good one.  I really do love this place.  I hope and pray they just give me a little more time!  It is so important to my well being.  I think I may have said it earlier, but, I look at it as, "If you save my life, at least give me something to live for!"  When my doctor spoke of putting me in a homeless shelter, I just felt so depleted.  She told me how shelters let people stay all day if they are handicap.  I know this, because I was once in homeless shelters.  I don't want to stay in them all day.  I'm just afraid it would eventually somehow put me on the wrong path.  I promise you that what I wrote the other day, without even really planning on posting it, is not how I feel now.  It did speak truth to how I felt a couple of days ago - right after the doctor let me know how she was feeling about my exiting.
 
Actually, when I was just looking for the file that I wrote and saved, I found it under my Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog file.  However, I named the file "Crazy Talk".  It is!  So, this is what I wrote:

It worries me. Because I am in so much pain. Perhaps I will use again one day. Then, I will likely kill myself. It's not like I'm making some sort of cry out for help. Perhaps I am. The bottom line is, the day I start shooting up, my call's out for help will end. Based on the way things have gone for me in my addiction pattern means that since my last drug run was only 2 ½ months, my next one will be a lot shorter. The run before that was probably 1 ½ years. It landed me homeless and in a dark place. The one before that was probably a few years long. It landed me in the ICU.

That's all I wrote a couple of days ago.  I won't bother editing it.  It's not really how I feel, however, I will not deny that another relapse will likely be a death sentence for me.  Hopefully, knowing that will help me stay clean.  I really do not ever want to kill myself!  It's really just to complicated of a subject so I'll stop.

I love people.  I love so many people.  I love my family so much.  More than ever.  I love my friends so much.  I have lots of friends in San Francisco and in Cincinnati.  I love them more than ever.  I mean what I say.  Just saying this AND knowing this makes me smile from ear to ear.  (Proof reading it today brought tears to my eyes.)  I really want to feel this way.  I think that if I can continue to do the next right thing and be honest about how I am feeling, I will feel this way.  It will also be better for others if I feel this way.  Give me a chance to do some physical therapy.  I mean my oldest brother, who I love beyond explanation these days, is a physical therapist.  I want to share with him and let him help me along the way!  I love and respect him so much for being a physical therapist.  As a child, he needed physical therapy.  This was a very new practice back then.  It seems to me that he chose to help people as he was once helped.

I want live to be as nice as it can for someone like me.  I'm willing to accept that fact that I'll never walk again or my restroom issues will never be solved, but please give me some time to work on those things.  They gave me lots of time to lay here and not.  I utilized all that time in art class, morning news, coffee meetings, upper body Thi Chi and lots of time spent back at the farm.  I even introduced the farm to residents and guests who now really enjoy it.  I do feel I am an positive person for this place.

I'm really tired right now.  That's the other thing I was concerned about with my departure.  All these drugs they give me!  It's a lot - all the time!  I'm recently told that, "Once we're gone, we're not their problems."  Or something like that.  I don't like to think of this place that way, but I really do have no idea how to medicate myself.  And, I know many rehabs do not want to medicate me the way I am medicated.  I feel this at least means I need time to be weaned off all these drugs.  I hope I can be some day.  They give me so many!  Then there is my brain damage.  I'm confused.  Or tired.  Perhaps I'll go to sleep and proof read this tomorrow.  Tomorrow is Saturday. Saturday means - No Doctors, so all will be quiet in that department.  I think I'll hang out with the animals tomorrow.  Maybe I'll go outside and play some guitar! 

Again, it's the next day.  Perhaps I'll go outside and learn a new song!  I mean it is a Beautiful Day!   I can even enjoy this near daily San Francisco fact from my room.  My new room is nice.  One wall is almost completely windows looking over the entrance to my section of this huge hospital! 




Thanks for helping me represent here Aunt Donna!

It is a nice room.  Perhaps I need some of my art or cards I have been sent on the walls, since I do hope to stick around!

I miss my privacy, but I do love these windows!

This is pretty much my world these days.  The only thing missing is the digital piece of equipment I used to take this photograph - my camera. 

 

My roommate is a nice man.  Actually, he doesn't say that much.  He doesn't speak English.  We get along.   I guess moving isn't so bad.  I still want to hang around this hospital for a bit though!  For now, I want to enjoy this Saturday like many human beings enjoy them.  My body doesn't really hurt to bad right now.  I am comfortable in my wheel chair.  My favorite CNA (Certified Nurse Assistant) has been in here a lot this morning.  My new roommate does need a lot of assistance and Xioa is always on time and caring to give it!  Her and I have nice conversations.  She is now a blog reader.   She really is a caring person.  And, it is a Beautiful Day!

U2 live @ Slane Castle

The heart is a bloom

Shoots up through the stony ground

There's no room

No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck

And the reason that you had to care

The traffic is stuck

And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend

To take you out of this place

Someone you could lend a hand

In return for grace

 

It's a beautiful day

Sky falls, you feel like

It's a beautiful day

Don't let it get away

You're on the road

But you've got no destination

You're in the mud

In the maze of her imagination

You love this town

Even if that doesn't ring true

You've been all over

And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day

Don't let it get away

It's a beautiful day

 Touch me

Take me to that other place

Teach me

I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue

See China right in front of you

See the canyons broken by cloud

See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out

See the Bedouin fires at night

See the oil fields at first light

And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth

After the flood all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day

Don't let it get away

Beautiful day

Touch me

Take me to that other place

Reach me

I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have you don't need it now

What you don't know you can feel it somehow

What you don't have you don't need it now

Don't need it now

Was a beautiful day