I have not written a blog for a while. I've been busy - mostly using. It's sad, but it is true. How I could have ever decided to use again, I'll never know. I do know one thing - what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. My last insane episode in which I had a methamphetamine induced psychotic reaction (suicide attempt) did not kill me. It's a long story, but in my insanity, I thought I had to kill myself. All I am trying to say is, I'm going to make it.
Even the voices aren't always trying to kill me. Even the devil doesn't want me dead anymore. Probably because it would be bad for him too, but.... Using is so wrong still. I know this. I must stop. Some of the voices have said I shouldn't even write. That simply tells me one thing. I shouldn't use. We all agree on that point. When I don't use, I don't really hear voices. Or, when I do hear them, they are pretty supportive. They can even be supportive when I am using sometimes - as long as I'm not playing with myself. One of them said to me the other day, "We are all in this together." That touched my heart and reminded me that - we are!
I was beginning to believe that this blog was not really doing too much for anyone anymore. It's supposed to help people - including me. If it helps people, it helps me. I have this friend who also struggles with addiction. She's been reading my blog for a while. One night, when I was clean and at Wally World I called her when she was having a hard night. Did I mention how hot she is? It really wasn't about that. She's still hot. Actually, she is a beautiful human being.
The other day, she really helped me believe that this blog does matter. She recently got back out on her own by getting her own place! And, recently she sent me this message. "Dude I want to go get smashing drunk, do a few lines, pop some Valiums and smoke a joint. BUT I CAN'T. I LOVE ME. THE OTHER STUFF BROUGHT NOTHING BUT PAIN IN MY LIFE AND CAUSED SO MANY PROBLEMS. YOU, YES YOU MR. BEATY KEEP ME SOBER! My love for you is heavenly pure."
I too love her. She touched my heart with her message. She also helped me want to stay clean. She reminded me that this blog actually does matter. People matter. I love all of you. It was all of you who supported me when I was in the hospital last year. I can't tell you how much that really meant to me. It still does. It always will. Thank you all. I really do love you.
I also love being at Wally World's outpatient program. Recovery is full of so many good people. One of my favorite new friends is now blind. His blindness happened in a using related accident years ago. I will use a nickname since he is in recovery. However, I promise you his real name fits ever better to this really cool story. He chose his nickname.
Mack worked for Ultra Sound. Ultra Sound is the sound company for the Grateful Dead. He has so many good stories to tell. The other day, he was wearing a shirt with an image of a microphone on it with little zig-zags lines coming out like it was making sound. I noticed the shirt and really liked it, but did not get the opportunity to ask him about it. He was talking about something else. And, knowing he'd been blind for a while, I wasn't sure how long he had it. I knew he must have known what it was of course since he's a sound guy.
Later, as I was unlocking my bike outside and getting ready to leave he said, "Oh, Dave, I wanted to tell you about this shirt." I had wanted to ask about it anyway, so I of course was ready to hear. He said that he was being his very talkative self while in the recording studio with The Grateful Dead. He said that Bob Weir came up to him and gave him this shirt with a mic on it. Mack appreciated it of course. Bob then told Mike that it has a mic on it because he talked to much and needed to be quiet!
Mack laughed quite a bit about this. It was funny. He does talk a lot. and that's one of the reasons I really like this guy. I think he may be our bands sound guy. He is blind now, so I'm not sure what he could do on the sound board, but I'm sure his presence will help. The last guy we had from Ultra Sound really helped. He worked for Dave Matthews Band. I also met him at Wally World. He, like many of our band members struggles to stay clean. We haven't seen him for a while. Unfortunately, we've lost our drummer. He too struggles. I did see him on the street last week at 2:00AM. Obviously, we were both up to no good. Our bass player, like our singer and guitar player (me) also struggle staying clean and miss practice sometimes.
I really liked Mack's story. As I was leaving, Mack, in so many words, said that he liked me. He says that people always ask him how Wally Worlds outpatient program is and if there are any interesting people. He says that he always tells them about "Five Story Dave". That was a new one. I've been called Super Dave, but never 5 Story Dave. I love people like him. People who make me smile.
I really do love people. It is so important that I don't use. When I a using...I'm not loving people. I always want to love people. Always.
Love is gentle as a rose
And love can conquer any war
It's time to take a stand
Brothers and sisters join hands
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
Love transcends all space and time
And love can make a little child smile
Oh can't you see
This won't go wrong
But we got to be strong
We can't do it alone
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
We got to let love rule
Let love rule
Let love rule
You got to got to got to
Let love rule
You got to got to got to, yeah
Let let let let love rule
Let love rule
Let love rule
You got to got to got to
Use to yeah
You got to yeah
Waouh
You got to
Got to got to got to yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Let love rule
