Standing on the Moon

I took this photo in the Santa Cruz Mountains long after I wrote this blog. (Space-Time)  However, I just wrote a blog with a link to this one.  If you just found this blog, this  particular blog, Standing on the Moon, might be a good place to start reading.  It makes more since if it is read in chronological order.  I never dreamed things would turn out the way they have when I wrote this blog, but they did.

I saw President Obama yesterday morning.  It was pretty cool.  He stayed the night in the Intercontinental Hotel.  I didn't even know he was in San Francisco until I was walking down 5th street at eight o'clock in the morning.  I happened to notice the police had all the streets completely closed at least one city block in every direction away from the hotel.  I knew what that meant, because he has stayed there before.  I asked the cop on the corner, "Obama back in town?"  He said, "yep"..

I walked to the corner of 5th and Howard and saw about 100 motorcycle cops getting ready to do their street closing maneuvers ahead of the motorcade.  There was also a H-65 Dolphin Coast Guard Helicopter hovering overhead, so I figured he'd becoming out soon.  It took about an hour, but he finally did.

While waiting there was this crazy guy with a bullhorn telling everyone they must except Jesus Christ as their savior.  I don't say he was crazy because of the Jesus Christ part, I say it because he's crazy.  He's a regular around the Powell Street cable car turnaround.  He's harmless, but he's so angry.  Maybe its just passion, not anger.   Either way - he's harmless.  The San Francisco cops guarding the corners were even chuckling at some of his crazy comments.  They were nice to him.

I then noticed these two guys wearing very nice suites.  They also had those things in their ear with the little phone cord-like coils that came up from their collars - obviously Secret Service.  I watched their eyes scan the crowd - they knew what they were doing.  They kept a particular close eye on the the "Jesus Christ" guy.  After a while, they even started smiling at some of his crazy rants. 

Then, the motorcade began.  Towards the end, were two presidential limos.  President Obama was in the second, waving at the small San Francisco crowd that had gathered that morning.  It was pretty cool.  I saw President Clinton the same way in Minneapolis in the early '90's.  It's pretty cool to see a President.  It made me feel a little bit hopeful about my day and life itself.  Then, I walked down 6th street and happen to glance in one of the windows of a pawn shop.  I saw one of my guitars hanging in the window.  My reality was back.

I've referred San Francisco as Heaven and hell on earth.  It's been hell for quite some time.  I don't even know where to begin.  I don't know what I want to write or if should write.  All I know is that writing and staying connected with people has helped in the past.

One of  last blogs I wrote almost a year and a half ago was called "Top of the World".  I really was on the top of the world.  I can't even read it.  It would be too hard for me right now.  I obviously chose to use again.  Apparently losing my life wasn't enough for me to stop using.  Death was not a big enough deterrent.  Now I've lost just about everything - except life.  Life has been really hard.  What I have experienced recently has at times made me believe that death was a better option in many ways.  I just figured I do it by getting high - it almost worked before.  Maybe I've just been willing to risk life for "one more high".

What I was doing was hurting a lot of people who cared about me.  I was hurting the person  who cared about me the most and in fact saved my life - Susan.  I know there's a God.  I know God would never approve of someone hurting someone who saved your life - especially your wife.  Needless to say, we are no longer married.  She had to divorce me.  She had to for herself.  It may, ironically, be the thing that may in fact save my life - again.  That's the sickness of this "disease".  I've heard that God loves addicts and idiots.  I hope this is true. 

My belief is that if there is an after life and the only two options are Heaven and hell - I'm going to hell.  I'm not saying that's how it works, because I don't know.  I do know that I need to be grateful to be alive so that I can make as right as possible some of my wrongs.  I need to make as many amends as possible.  If it is necessary for me to do as much good to the world as bad, then I'm in trouble.  However,  I'd rather do good for the rest of my life than any more harm, no matter what it means for me.  I fear I've crossed an invisible line between good and evil.  I've done a little reading of the Bible and the Koran lately.  It scares me.  The New Testament may give me a little hope in that Jesus Christ character the crazy guy was yelling about.

I've always tried to believe in all religions.  They generally say the same thing about what it means to be a good person, right and wrong and how to get to Heaven.  For all know, Heaven and hell exist on earth.  It sure seems I've been in some kind hell lately.  For a lot of people, being honest and doing the right thing comes naturally.  People like Susan just want to help people - especially people they care about and love.  Being an addict can turn all that upside down.  Many addicts hurt the ones they love the most.

I will always love Susan.  Every since Whitney Houston died, I keep hearing that song, I Will Always Love You everywhere I go.   It, like just about every song I hear these days makes me sad.  If a song doesn't make me sad, it worries me.  Music and art used to inspire me.  Music and art defined Susan and my life.  We met in art class in high school.  We probably went to about 1000 concerts.  I play guitar and she even plays the piano and drums sometimes.  I also became an artistic photographer while in San Francisco.  I lost all of that.  I fear I've lost my soul.

If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way

And I... will always love you, ooh
Will always love you
You
My darling, you...
Mmm-mm

Bittersweet memories –
That is all I'm taking with me.
So good-bye.
Please don't cry:
We both know I'm not what you, you need

And I... will always love you
I... will always love you
You, ooh

 I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this I wish you love

And I... will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you

I will always love you
I, I will always love you.

You.
Darling, I love you.
I'll always...
I'll always love you.
Ooh
Ooh

I always preferred the original Dolly Parton Version, but Whitney Houston does have and amazing voice. Dolly Parton has got to be the smartest hillbilly there is for letting Houston do that song.

I've pretty much been homeless for at least six months now.  Losing all the things I cared about was hard.  Being homeless on the streets of San Francisco with a drug problem on top of that, well, like I said, made death seem like a better option at times.  Not so much for me as for others.  Susan still helped me out sometimes.   However, sometimes, this just helped me use again.  It was really so insane.  I really had to hit another bottom - perhaps a lower bottom than death. 

It's embarrassing.  It's humiliating.  Being homeless on the street - Dirty,  Smelly,  Crazy.  It's tough.  I will say, there a lot of kind people in this world.  A lot of people lent me a hand. There are also some not so good people out there.  Being homeless, some of these "not so good" people became my "friends".  I guess I was running with similar company.  The thing I wondered a lot was, "Are we evil?".  Hopefully misguided and back on the right path.  Still, I've had actual people tell me that we are in fact evil.  Not just the voices in my head.  People in the flesh.  At the same time, many people out there have a strong belief in God or at least Gods existence.  Like they say, you don't find many atheist in foxholes.

When the voices of gang members, hell's angels, mafia members, cartel members and the devil himself are not just in my head, but showing up in the flesh - I got worried.  Actually, I got scared.   I know it sounds insane because it is.  I am injecting chemicals into my blood every time I do crystal meth, so I'm sure that has something to do with the insanity.  Still, it seems most of the people I have been meeting on the street latley, have been ex-cons.  Some have even threatened my life.

This life is not exactly the life I had envisioned when I was graduating from college or marrying my high-school sweetheart.  However, addiction in my life has made this reality.  I have always had addiction in my family.  My mother and father both had issues with addiction.  I found my mother dying in 1984.  I was 12.  My dad died in 2006.  Both had other health issues.  However, I believe those issues would have been manageable if they did not have addiction issues.  Either way, neither of them were nearly as far gone as I've become. 

With all that said, Susan and I have been getting along lately.  We were best friends in so many ways for so many years.  Only my active addiction kept that from remaining.  Since she has kicked me out,  things have gotten a little better for me.  They definately got a lot worse before they got better. It took some hard times, but they are getting better.  I have to imagine her life is much better.  I'm sure it's still hard for her.

The other day, I was visiting her and she had the Grateful Deads', Built to Last album playing.  There are some songs on that album that really speak to me for different reasons.  Songs I never really "heard" until I went through what I've gone through.  It's like I said, it seems every song I hear either worries me or makes me sad.  One song on that album that worries me is Victim or the Crime.  It's a great song, but the lyrics make me think - worry.  Obviously, coming from a family with a history of addiction, I have at times thought of myself as a victim.  Once again, my parents weren't as messed up as me, but, I still think it's a valid point.  However, I know I am the crime and in the end, isn't that all that really matters.

The opening lyrics really stick with me:

Patience runs out on the junkie. 
The dark side hires another soul.
Did he steal his fate or earn it?
Was he force fed, did he learn it?
What ever happened to his precious self-control?

Later it goes on to ask the questions I've been asking my self a lot lately:

And so I wrestle with the Angel
To see who'll reap the seeds I sow
Am I the driver or the driven?
Will I be damned to be forgiven?
Is there anyone here but me who needs to know?

 

Patience runs out on the junkie
The dark side hires another soul
Did he steal his fate or earn it
Was he force-fed, did he learn it
Whatever happened to his precious self control

Like him I'm tired of trying to heal
This tom-cat heart with which I'm blessed
Is destruction loving's twin
Must I choose to lose or win
Maybe when my turn comes I will have guessed

These are the horns of the dilemma
What truth is proof against all lies
When sacred fails before profane
The wisest man is deemed insane
Even the purest of romantics compromise

What fixation feeds this fever
As the full moon pales and climbs
Am I living truth or rank deceiver
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Or the crime

And so I wrestle with the angel
To see who'll reap the seeds I sow
Am I the driver or the driven
Will I be damned to be forgiven
Is there anybody here but me who needs to know

What fixation feeds this fever
As the full moon pales and climbs
Am I living truth or rank deceiver
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Am I the victim or the crime
Or the crime

 

I always believe that art and music comes from the soul.  I believe it communicates the "going-ons"' of the universe in one way or another.  I believe that if it comes from the soul, it is, in some way, God speaking to us.  Just because I know this doesn't mean that I have become a good person.  My knowledge of Gods existence did not completely change my behavior.  The Koran makes it pretty clear that I'm in trouble.  So does the Old Testament.  Still, I'd like to think I can change for the better.  I'll never be able to change the things I've done.  I can't put a question mark where there is a period.  I'd still like to live a better life and help people.  So many people have helped me, I'll never be able to completely repay everyone - especially Susan.

For a long time, this is why I just kept giving up.  That's how selfish I had become.  (I hope its had and not have).  I do believe I have paid for some of this selfish behavior already.  I can't tell you how hard it has been being a homeless addict.  Still, I did it to myself, right?  I'm not sure I'll go into the details right now.  They are disgusting, pathetic, insane, and down right scary sometimes.  I'm trying to move away from all that.

Ultimately, being a homeless drug addict landed me in Community Justice Court - CJC as we call it on the street.  In San Francisco, they recently passed a new sit-lie law.  Basically, you can't sit or lie on the sidewalk from 7:00am to 11:00pm.  This is because San Francisco has such a big homeless problem that people who run businesses and own million dollar homes are tired of walking out their doors to find people laying on their doorsteps and in front of their businesses.  Even liberal San Francisco is getting fed up.  I voted against it, but back then I didn't think I was voting that way for myself!

When I was homeless, I always tried to sleep somewhere where people didn't care.  I'd sleep under a bridge, or in a dark alley where there were no residents or retail shops.  This worked.  However, one night, I was so sick.  I had to sleep near one of San Francisco's outdoor, self-cleaning, bathrooms.  They are basically for homeless people.  However, they usually end up having more going on in them besides people going to the bathroom.  That was pretty much the case that night, so it didn't even really help me.  However, since I was up all night, I ended up sleeping until 9:00am.  I was awaken by cops taking my photo and writing me a ticket.  Ultimately, I was court ordered to get on G.A - general assistance.  Basically, welfare.  Ultimately, it has helped.  It's embarrassing, but it's a better than the life I was living with nothing.

 This is the photo the cops took that morning.

Since I have been on G.A., I have been staying at a homeless shelter - most of the time.  It took me a while to get use to.  I had been so isolated from people in my addiction.  It's especially tough being around other people with issues in their lives!  In the beginning it was really hard being around hundreds of other people in such close quarters.  The sleeping arrangement is basically a bunch of cots in a large rooms so you have other people about three or four feet on every side of you.  I think this would be hard for anyone to get use - much less a tweaker!

It also took me a while to get use to standing in line for everything.  They serve breakfast and dinner.  It's kind of like being in a school cafeteria.  I hear it's a bit like prison - I'd rather not find out.  After breakfast, they kick us out.  They wake us up at 6:00am and kick us out by 8:00am.  This has actually helped me get back into a sort of routine in life.  I also have been coming to the library everyday and going to recovery meetings.  However just being on a schedule has made a difference.  I get up and go to sleep at the same time,  eat regularly, take a shower and shave - as long as I'm not using. 

It took me a while to get comfortable with the shelter.  Coming back each evening, one has to wait in about an hour long line just to get back into the shelter.  They thoroughly search you and put you through a metal detector.  It's like flying out of JFK shortly after 9-11 every evening.   This is frustrating, however, it is justifiable.  Someone got murdered there last week - so I don't complain too much.  One guy stabbed another guy in the heart - over a chair.  Needless to say, I am not trying to get too comfortable in the shelter.  It is safer than the streets and there are a lot of good people there, but it is a tough place to be sometimes.

So much of my daily life reminds me of Susan.  San Francisco was our dream city.  I was an artistic photographer and street artist here.  Every beautiful sight I see reminds me of that.  I can hardly look at the Golden Gate Bridge or any beautiful sight in this city  the same way I use to.  When we were both going to the University of Cincinnati, Susan used to work at the public library in downtown Cincinnati.  I used to drive down Vine Street to pick her up each evening.  This meant I would go inside to wait for her.  Even coming to the library reminds me of her.  Still,  I don't want to lose everything she did for me.   I want to someday get my street artist licence back and be a photographer again.  It will be hard, but it is my passion.

I believe I might be on the right path again.  Susan seems happy when I see her.  It is still hard for me to accept that we will not be together forever as planned.  It is also hard for me in many other ways.  I became so dependent on her in so many ways.  She even was my editor for this blog.  This is why there few mistakes in my writing.  She is a great technical writer.  I'm not.  What I'm saying is there will be a lot more mistakes in this blog.    I was never great at all that grammar stuff and speling.

When I was visiting her and she was listening to the Built to Last Album, another song came on.  This one really spoke to me.  We danced to it on our wedding night.  I always loved the lyrics that said, "I'd rather be with you."  Like many other songs,  I never really heard all of it.  Especially the lyrics about fighting a battle.  It's as if we foresaw the battle we had ahead of us.  The lyrics that really ring true for me are the final lyrics.


Standing on the moon
Where talk is cheap and vision true
Standing on the moon
But I would rather be with you
Somewhere in San Francisco
On a back porch in July
Just looking up to heaven
At this crescent in the sky


Standing on the moon
With nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven
But I'd rather be with you - be with you


It's a beautiful song.

 

Standing on the moon
I got no cobweb on my shoe
Standing on the moon
Im feeling so alone and blue
I see the gulf of mexico
As tiny as a tear
The coast of california
Must be somewhere over here - over here

Standing on the moon
I see the battle rage below
Standing on the moon
I see the soldiers come and go
Theres a metal flag beside me
Someone planted long ago
Old glory standing stiffly
Crimson, white and indigo - indigo

I see all of southeast asia
I can see el salvador
I hear the cries of children
And the other songs of war
Its like a mighty melody
That rings down from the sky
Standing here upon the moon
I watch it all roll by - all roll by

Standing on the moon
With nothing else to do
A lovely view of heaven
But Id rather be with you

Standing on the moon
I see a shadow on the sun
Standing on the moon
The stars go fading one by one
I hear a cry of victory
And another of defeat
A scrap of age old lullaby
Down some forgotten street

Standing on the moon
Where talk is cheap and vision true
Standing on the moon
But I would rather be with you
Somewhere in san francisco
On a back porch in july
Just looking up to heaven
At this crescent in the sky

Standing on the moon
With nothing left to do
A lovely view of heaven
But Id rather be with you - be with you