The Wheel

Well, I did my usual and fell of the face of the earth again.  This means I used a again.  It took me to a really bad place really fast.  I felt awful for leaving so many people hanging.  So many people were so kind.  I really appreciate all of the offers to hang out, let me call you , buy me dinner!  Like I said in my last blog, I am truly lucky to have been surrounded by so many awesome people in my lifetime.


This last relapse put me back out on the street for a few days.  It didn't take me long to realize how much I hated it.  I'm of course not thinking about that when I decide to use.  I think, one more time and then I'll get back on track.  I know better.  I have known better for a long time.  I have lost far to much to be so naive.  Still, addiction it tricky.  My mind can get lost in the idea of using.   Maybe I was getting too confident too soon.


I don't really want to go on and on about what happened.  I wanted this blog to become about recovery - not using.  With that in mind, for the past few days, I have done nothing but go to appointments that will help put my life back together.  Ultimately, I hope to get into a rehab program.  I should know tomorrow.  I thought I might be able to get clean without being in a program, but perhaps not.  I've thought like this for years. If for some reason I can't get into this program, I'll keep trying other avenues and I will stay connected to all of my San Francisco friends in recovery.  I will say that I am more surrendered to the idea of being in an inpatient program than ever before.


I am lucky to be back at the shelter.  It has been raining like crazy in San Francisco for a couple of days, so I am grateful to be there.  Last night, I volunteered in the kitchen.  I wanted to show my appreciation.  I felt good about doing this.


As many of my friends in recovery pointed out to me after my last couple of blogs, I don't have a lot of time to continue relapsing.  I really am at a point where things could get really bad again.  I am also at a point where they can get good again - as long as I don't pick up.


Thanks again for all of the offers to meet up, for me to call or just the encouraging words.  I really want to get back on track and maybe write about recovery some day soon.  Susan says this blog just feeds my ego - she is probably right.  Addicts tend to have big egos and low self esteem.  I'm certainly guilty.  With that in mind, I'm not going to talk to much about what all happened.  Perhaps in the future (I can't help it!).  For now, I am trying to take matters very seriously. 


I want to make it clear that all of the support really does seem to be what has got me thinking like this.  I don't really want to be someone who needs support all the time, I just want to be a friend.  I will let everyone know what happens with rehab and look forward to talking to and seeing many of you in the future. 


This song has been in my head for the past couple if days.