Give To Live

I don't have a lot of time. I feel horribly sick. I have a lot to do. I said if I put anything ahead of recovery, I'd lose it. I have. I'm about to be homeless again. I need to move out which means I will no longer have a business.  Even if I could get it back together, based on my history my chances of staying clean are not good and the consequences are way to dark.

I don't know where to begin. I look around and I just don't know how to begin. I hate everything I become when I use. Sometimes writing helps me. It was supposed to help others.

This is so hard for me. The hardest part for me is how so many people have helped me and been there for me and I threw it all on just two runs. It's not like I didn't know it would happen if I chose to use. I recently even wrote about how I would lose it all if I did.  I was obviously on my way.   I just reach this point of tunnel vision.... Addiction is so confusing to me. Many never make it. Others stay clean. This gives me hope.

I am going to do everything I can to get into another program. It won't be easy, but it's what I have to find a way to do!  I also have to complete it. I really don't want to be in an institution, but like I said in a previous blog, with freedom comes responsibility. It is so important that I Give to Live. Being a sick and selfish addict, I have done a lot of bad things. Just going to recovery meetings is giving. I wasn't even doing enough of that. Hopefully I find a program that I can work on my recovery and I can work to help others. That really does matter to me. As hard as that last program was at times, it was the giving that meant everything to me.  

Being AN addict for 29 years and being as hardcore of an addict as I am, it will take a lot of work to stay clean.  I can see how I wasn't doing what I should be doing and doing things I shouldn't have. I'm sorry for a lot of the things I wrote in previous blogs.  I knew I was heading down a dangerous path and was trying to be honest.  I wasn't honest about some of my behavior that I shouldn't have been doing.  It's like my Pastor once told me, "It's the decision, before the decision, before the decision."   I'm a sick person. I need help. I'm desperate. I need God. There are no guarantees for me, but I have faith I will get into a program.

With that said, this blog will probably end. It just got me into trouble last time.  Maybe... I don't know.  I have so much more I need to figure out right now.  Writing helps.  I really appreciate all the support over the years and especially the last 8 ½ months.  It helped me get 7 ½ months clean. 7 ½ months is the longest I have ever stayed clean. A lot of people helped me do that. I'm sorry about all this. Especially to those who were really there for me when I really needed help. Addiction is such a selfish disease. I'm sorry.

I will try to let people know if I get into a program. So many have tried to get in touch with me lately.  I figured I'd at least take some time to write so people know I'm alive.   I am just now getting to a point where I can even talk to people again.  I'm sorry if I haven't gotten back to you if you read this.  I'm trying to get my head together... I have to move out tomorrow. This is all so hard for me. I chose to use. Things were so good and I was looking forward to so many good things. I was really looking forward to seeing my family in February.

Please don't think I'm giving up. I'm just trying to surrender. I loved feeling alive! It had been so long since I felt that way. I miss it. I want to feel alive again someday. I must learn from my mistakes. I love so many of you. Hopefully, I will let people know how things are going some day, somehow.  I may even write this blog again someday.  It may be a while.   I will miss it.  In order to live, I do need to give.  For now, I'm alive and I have 2 days clean. Thank you God.

THE END. (for now)

Ooh, I can see that you've got fire in your eyes
And pain inside your heart
So many things have come and torn your world apart

Oh baby, baby, baby
Don't give up
Don't give up
Don't give up

(If you want love)
If you want love, you've got to give a little
(If you want love)
If you want faith, you just believe a little
(If you want love)
If you want peace, turn your cheek a little

Oh, you've got to give
You've got to give
You've got to give to live

An empty hand reaching out for someone
An empty heart takes so little to fill
It's so much easier to push instead of pull

Oh baby, baby, baby
Don't give up
Don't give up
Don't give up

(If you want love)
If you want love, you've got to give a little
(If you want love)
If you want faith, you just believe a little
(If you want love)
If you want peace, turn your cheek a little

Oh, you've got to give
You've got to give
You've got to give to live

Each man's a country in his own right
Oh, everybody needs a friend
One friend, one God, one country
No man need defend, yeah

I believe in fate and destination
But so much of that lies in our own hands
If you know what you want, just go on out and get it

Oh baby, baby
Just don't give up, no, no
Don't give up, yeah, yeah

(If you want love)
If you want love, you've got to give a little
(If you want love)
If you want faith, you just believe a little
(If you want love)
If you want peace, turn your cheek a little

Oh, if you want love, you've got to give
(If you want love) oh, give to live
(If you want love) you've got to give
You've got to give, you've got to give to live
(If you want love)

(If you want love) oh, oh
(If you want love) oh, oh
(If you want love) oh, oh
(If you want love) oh, oh