Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Believing in God and doing the right thing always makes things better.   This day was really hard.   Really hard!  And, really painful!  Really painful!  Many of the nurses were not helping me when I really truly needed it and was in serious pain. Some however, were.  Especially the really cute Asian ones.  Have I ever said how cute I find Asian women to be!  Especially Nurses in their white/tight uniforms here!  Enough!  It's that thinking that got me into trouble last time!!  Which eventually led me here!  With them.  Enough.

They are cute and they are sweet.  Most of them.  I need to behave. I need God.  God is what I have.  I have been having so much pain with all my broken bones, my constipation, which recently got mostly figured out how I could relieve myself.  Not fun,  but possible.  The only part I was still struggling and in often in pain with was my urination.  I was in serious pain this afternoon.  Serious pain.  I begged for help, but did not get it.  I then started reading this awesome website my friends created to help me and began writing a hug to it.  Next thing you know, a nurse came in with a catheter and trained me how to do it myself!  No more waiting on them!  I figured if I could stick a needle in my veins, then I could stick a tube in penis!  I could.  I have to run that tube a long way, but I am grateful to have that problem I guess! :)

ISOLATION (later that evening)

Where am I now, GOD? LOL. All that hoping and praying and believing became nothing really quickly. Well, not nothing, but it will be a while before it is once again understood by the hospital section I was in yesterday. I was in the beautiful, brand new, art and music influenced Mezzanine section.  Now, I am in the South Section - Isolated tuberculosis section. Apparently, I have tuberculosis! That's just what I need to go along with everything else - shattered bones, constipation and other very difficult and painful going the restroom issues! These times are tough on there own, but when one is painfully sunk in to his bed from being unable to move very much in addition this creates excruciation pain. Wow.

Yesterday, I was taken to another hospital in a van on a wheelchair to verify if I in fact had TB. After being there a couple of hours, my rear end got to be in so much pain. I have almost no cushion since I have lost so much weight while here. I remembered another bone I broke - my tail bone! It hurt so bad. Back in my football playing days, I would rarely get knocked on my rear. However, occasionally, when I did, I would land directly on my tailbone and that would create an amazingly painful situation! It reminded me of that! I also developed a lot of pain in my left shattered ankle. I've never shattered bones like I have in my ankle and other body parts, so this is all very new pain! I've never fell 50 feet onto them before! When asked if I would like to hang around 2 more hours to see the doctor, I told them I could not due to the pain I was in. I really needed to lay down in my bed!

(The next day)

Once back at my hospital, I was told I would have to leave at 8:30 am, which is 1 hour and 50 minutes from now. I was told I needed to be there by 9:00 am just to get a chance to see a doctor at 11:00 am. In other words things will be longer today than yesterday! OUCH! OUCH!

I have already begun telling people here this issue. They told me it was more for the morning crew which comes in at 8:00 am. This Doesn't give me much time to arrange something else! It is so important something else is arranged! I don't have time to wonder if I have TB. I don't have time to be in this TB Clinic! The TB clinic does not have wireless access. The TB clinic does not have cell phone access. The TB clinic is not a place that I believe allows visitors – rightfully so. I hope I don't have TB! My tweaker butt probably does!

Oh yeah, one last thing. I got screamed at last night for not catheterizing myself. I had done it earlier in the other ward or I had an hour to do it still, depending on how you look at it. It was late at night, I was confused, had no lights. The longer I realized all this, the more I realized what a jerk this guy was. It's not up to me anyway! Ahh, very confused. He was just.... When I asked about him the nurses would say, “Oh don't worry about him, it's the end of his shift.” Must have had a bad one!

Now is a time for GOD to be in my life. I don't imagine big change in all this really fast, but I am going to stop writing and do the only thing possible right now – pray. Pray to GOD.

Pray to God I did. Just generally – that's it. I didn't ask for anything. I thanked GOD for my ability to be alive. I thank GOD for all of you. Guess what GOD gave me? The ability to pee. That made my day. I mean, I was having an isolated, not hear from anyone day. At one point, I had to pee so bad, that I took out the plastic pee in a little jug thing and started pushing. I didn't have a catheter and the nurses would not answer the call button to bring me one for at least and hour. After a bit of time, I attempted to pee in the plastic pee thing they give you at hospitals (I forget what they are called.).  After some time, I hosed in 500 CC! I felt better. I felt improvement in my health! I could pee! I COULD PEE! It wasn't a perfect situation, but was a start to a long recovery situation. I had recently decided that if I had a choice between being able to use the restroom (which for me meant going #1 and #2) OR being in a wheel chair – I'd choose the wheel chair! Unable to use the restroom it's not a good thing! After a bit, a nurse came in and gave me a catheter and a bag and I hosed in an additional 100. Only 100! I'll be glad when I can get out the additional 100 on my own!

Later, I had a cute and obviously very smart Doctor come in and she gave me complete exam in front of a younger cute Doctor woman in training. I told her about my peeing and she thought that was great. I also told her how I had done some turd mining this morning and she thought that was also wonderful. She really encouraged it over taking a suppository. Some nurses around here discouraged my doing that – turd mining, but I knew better. I could just tell the way the two felt while being done. My smart Doctor agreed. Since I had gone turd mining that morning, all that hard pushing was no big deal. I can't leave bed so I don't like risking all the pushing. My Doctor asked that I do the same thing this evening. I didn't have to pee as bad and had not gone poo poo mining as recently so I did and that's enough poo poo, pee pee talk!

Let's end it on a good note - My being hospitalized and surviving in part because of all of you! (That is before I got isolated.  I won't be isolated forever!)

I have been having a lot of family time lately.  I spend  a lot of time on the phone with my step-mother Marilynn.  Marilynn has meant the world to me!  She is like a mother.  She's just - cool. 

Then there's my older brother Bob.  Bob and I grew up in the same crazy, but loving household.  Bob had a lot of his own physical and mental issues to deal with with as a kid so he avoided the troubles of addiction.  Since he had physical recovery issues growing up, he chose to be a physical therapist!  I respect him a lot for this.  Not only do Bob and I get to relate on old times, he gets to help me understand my physical therapy issues. 

Michael is my oldest of my younger  two brothers.  His band played in my fundraiser.  Michael seems to be following my footsteps in many ways - good and bad, bro! Keep on jammin!   Alex is more like me in so many ways.  I can't even explain.  I love that youngest brother.  He is a good young man who is much like me.  I feel a deep connection and have felt bad for being absent from him over the years.

Then there are my aunts on my dads side.  I love them all and I have been in contact with them all again recently.  All three have been like my mother at some point.  Not long after my real mother died, Bob and I went and stayed with Aunt Donna.  She has two kids, Kenny and Scott and she has two step kid, Timmy and Greg.  They are her husband Richards kids.  Richard was a race car driver back in those days.  We were all the #9's pit crew!  Fun days.

My aunt Kathy and uncle Giles live in the Miami Florida area.  They have two kids, Audrey and Giles.  Little Giles just got married!  We (Bob and friends and I) used to go down there every summer and stay for a while. Talk about fun!  Wow.  Miami!  Key West!

Then there is aunt Sheila and Uncle Bill.  I used to rent an apartment from them in Norwood, Ohio.  Norwood is surrounded on all sides by Cincinnati.  It was a  2 family house.  Downstairs was my grandma - Kathleen.  Upstairs was me and a friend or for a while it was me and Kenny, my cousin. Talk about good times.  The good old days! 

Then there is aunt Roberta, my mothers sister I stay in contact with.  I love her.  She really seems to have a connection with my mother.  I can relate to her in so many ways. I also love and respect her husband Paul.

I have also been back in touch with lots of San Francisco friends who all happen to be in recovery and lots of friends from my Loveland, Ohio days.  Then there are my Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog contacts and Facebook contacts!

I was not doing a lot of this staying in contact before my hospitalization.  Especially when I was using.  Before I was using I was to many, but all this time has granted me time to stay in touch with more people which is very nice. I have been struggling with my situation, but all of my family and friends are getting me through.  I see this as a God thing.  Let's leave it at this.  I love you all! :) 

Since the past couple of days have kept me isolated in many ways including the phone and the internet, I have been a little extra lonsome!  Needless to say, one of my old man's tunes came to mind!  Ironically, I was starting to miss him too.  Because when I was caught up my addiction at the end, his voice was very prevalent and I wasn't sure if he were alive or dead anymore.  In fact, the first time I remember speaking to Marilynn a couple a weeks ago,  I ask for him.  She told me he was dead.

Are you lonesome tonight,
Do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Does your memory stray to a brighter summer day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?
Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare?
Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

I wonder if you're lonesome tonight
You know someone said that the worlds a stage
And each must play a part.
Fate had me playing in love you as my sweet heart.
Act one was when we met, I loved you at first glance
You read your line so cleverly and never missed a cue
Then came act two, you seemed to change and you acted strange
And why I'll never know.
Honey, you lied when you said you loved me
And I had no cause to doubt you.
But I'd rather go on hearing your lies
Than go on living without you.
Now the stage is bare and I'm standing there
With emptiness all around
And if you wont come back to me
Then make them bring the curtain down.

Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Superman

I guess today is Saturday.  I have not spent much time on Facebook or writing a blog all week.  The reason is because I have been so sick.  I hate being sick.  I feel sick now, but a little better.  The problem is, I have not found a solution to my sickness.  I just stopped eating yesterday.  Embarrassingly, my sickness is constipation. It's because I take so much constipation causing pain medication and I've been awake and off a IV drip for 2 weeks - this means I've been eating food and taking pills.  I'm miserably constipated.  My nurses aren't very concerned either.  It's as if they don't want to hear it or deal with it.

A couple of nights ago, I was so miserable. I asked the  nurses to not give me my pain medication that was causing the constipation - Oxycodone.  I've never been a pill popper, so I've never had to deal with the side effects.  Plus, I can't leave my bed, so this also causes constipation, plus I have to get catheterized 6 times a day, so when  I'm told, "Drink more fluids", this is not really an option because they will not increase how many times they catheterize me per day.  I'm lucky if they stick that tube up my penis six times a day (the amount of times I'm scheduled to have it done)!  When I explain this situation to "whoever"  they simply say "oh".  As if they understand I'll get no more catheterization then I am scheduled for.  It is what it is.
 
**********  
Lets see, somehow it is now 4:36 in the afternoon.  Somehow I am not feeling good anymore.  Better than a couple hours ago, but....

I love "this hospital" that shall remain nameless (naming the last one I cared so much about got me kicked out for less than this), but man this recovery hospital has its problems.  Wow!  I'm not sure where or how to begin.  

I have my problems, that is for sure.  I've been using drugs since I was 12 years old.  I started pretty hardcore just after I found my mother dying and my dad started his hardcore drinking days to accompany his already existing workaholism .  His addiction was almost always manageable.  Mine mostly was until I started shooting speed in San Francisco 9 years ago.  I have lost so  much to that drug.  SO MUCH!  It's a long story that this blog I have been writing off and on for 7 years has tried to explain, but....  I get so confused.  I hear voices.  I see things.  Things that are undeniable!  

That drug along with all the others I've taken in my past has truly opened "mental" doors.  I will truly advise others to avoid my drug using path.  Crystal Meth is the one that has caused me to lose everything and caused me to jump off the roof of a 5 story police station/BART Parking Garage.  Essentially, it's a Bay Area Rapid Transit Train Station.   It's also a train station for  Cal Train. It's the main station before San Francisco International Airport.  

My leap caused me to smash so many bones in my body.  Life is so confusing these days.  However, I do believe GOD saved my life for doing what I did.  I was going to hell so I could leave others alone.  My insane leap was very unselfish.  I don't know, I just love people - especially when I am not using. 

I got stuck in my addiction so quickly and was unable to see a way out.  I almost had that way out before, but things got slightly twisted - The day it all began was biblical as I always suspected it may be - for years.  I'm  so damn confused - even right now.  It brings tears to my eyes.  One of my bones I damaged was my skull.  I'm told "Problems will be caused."  

Now that I vaguely remember that day I jumped, it took me so long.  That day, January 15th, I kept going to fast food restaurants to get a drink because I did not want to experience that falling sensation.  And, I figured it would be the last time I would get to experience such a thing - ice cold soda in a cup.  So far, I don't remember it - the jump or fall that is.

Excuse me, it's medicine time.  This medicine round includes a shot to the stomach (which I get 3 times a day).  I think it also includes a suppository - after dinner of course.  Makes for an interesting evening. I'm grateful to be alive.  I'm sorry I am so....whatever I am.  Thank you God.  Life is Beautiful! :)

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
And it's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away, away from me
It's all right, you can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy, or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet
I'm only a man
Looking for a dream

I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it's not easy

Its not easy to be me

Friends and Lovers

What to say?  I'm in pain. 

(phone rings)

I am getting a visitor!  Yeah!!!  It's one of Susan's friends from work.  I guess he couldn't find me because they didn't have me on the list as a patient. That's a surprise.  Right!!.  I love this new hospital.  It's beautiful and it's brand new and it's just awesome.   After some time being here, I may even appreciate all the weekend freedom I receive.  

Right now - I need help - when I ask.  Not an hour later.  I'm in so much pain.  I don't want to go into discusting details, but I need help when I ask.  And when I keep pushing the help button because I'm in a horrible possition after going to the restroom in my bed (where I have to stay) and I'm in serious pain and the artificial toilet is flexible and only an inch deep - I'm in pain and miserable.  At the last hospital, in which I was usually in the ICU, I had a nurse in my room 24-7.  I am ordered to never move.  Anything.  They told me to never move.  Now I'm here.  I am here because I believe they were impressed by my willingness to get well and sped up the process to get me here.

Just now I got a call from another one of my friends who said she is going to come visit. I met her at Jerry Garcia's Birthday Party in August - the day after Susan headed back to Cincinnati with her husband.  It was also a day before I got exited from my program.  I had so much going on!  This friend and her daughter were just a pleasant distraction added to the music I was listening to at Jerry Garcia Amphitheater in McClaren Park. 

She just texted me "Positive vibes love".  She is so cute and positive.  So is her young daughter.  And, her young daughter seems to be an artists!  This woman is kind and aware.  

Hippie Chicks daughters art!  (I added this later after we all met)

A couple months ago she (I believe I called her Hippie Chick in previous blogs) was driving across The Golden Gate Bridge and traffic was very slow because someone was up on the rail about to jump off.  Her seeing this made her think of me and the next time we spoke, she told me to never do such a thing.  She said "So many people love you, please don't do something like that."  I told her I would never do something so final.  However, I didn't deny that just my shooting up was risking killing myself.  

Not sure how she knew I had seen hundreds of shooting stars.  I guess she just knew.

Later, I told Susan.  I told Susan how Hippie Chick and others, including Gina had recently told me how many people loved me.  This was hard for me to understand.  It kind of always has been  I've never felt that lovable.

 Added this photo later than blog also - after we all met.

I get that people love people who harm themselves - addiction has been common in my family.  I get that people do love people who end it all for themselves.  I had a cousin hang himself - I love him.  I don't want to get to personal info about others very close to me in my life, but suicide was always "possible".   

It wasn't "suicide", but both my parents were addicts and both are dead.  Had they have stopped using....  Well, I believe they would have lived longer - this is just the nature of addiction.  Sometimes, addicts make the final sacrifice.

My using always put me at risk of dying.  If I stop using life is a lot healthier and more guaranteed - that's for sure.  Yesterday, February 16th was the day of my fundraiser.  So many seemed to care and seemed so proud of me.  (I want them to believe in God - not me).   So many weren't aware of what caused my accident - including me, until yesterday.  My friend, Lisa was helping me move hospitals and pulled out my bag of clothes from that "accident" the other day.  When she opened them, I saw a bunch of clothes that had been cut off of me and were bloody.  There were also EMT's there with me.  At that moment, I realized something.  "I jumped off that building."  It was the tallest thing in the neighborhood.  And, mainly being a parking garage, there was not a lot of traffic on the top floors.  I still had someone call a police officer though.  He was worried I may be trying to steal something.  I didn't tell him what my apparent motive was.  This all hurts me.
 
I so badly did not want to kill myself, but I wouldn't ever let dark souls, like "The Big Bad Wolf" (this time), take me when I was in a secluded place.  Once I was in San Bruno Mountain on Christmas Eve trying to allow this to occur so better souls like Susan or her mother or her new husband or my older brother could have positive things occur for the rest of there lives and when they died.  I was so twisted.  And, I wouldn't call anyone.  Killing myself would only stop me from hurting more people and possibly stop something else bigger.  The voices in my head led me to believe something would occur on April Fools Day - Armageddon.  I believed it would happen in the form of a meteor shower.  All good souls on this earth would be going somewhere good of course.  One night, Christmas Eve, I was worried about dying the Big Bad Wolf's way, so I pulled out my knife and cut my wrists.  My knife was dull and I could hear children playing outside so I changed my mind about that way.  This is all so confusing to write for me - especially after so many have supported me.  The next few days I was grateful that attempt wasn't successful and dismissed it.
 
None of this "End of the World" thinking sounded to good.  I was nearly homeless and wouldn't talk to people.  My death may have actually made sense.  Yesterday, after I realized my scary intentions, I read this online:

 

Meteorite - not the end of the world - strikes Russia's Siberia

A bus-sized meteor exploded over Russia's Ural Mountains, sparking speculation about everything from a missile attack to the end of the world. The shock waves smashed windows and damaged buildings.

By Fred Weir | Christian Science Monitor

Despite all the crazy warnings I had gotten that may have had something to them (possibly not),  I am starting to remember now, I so badly didn't want to kill myself.  This is becoming clear.  Like I said in previous blogs - I was very confused.  I still am a bit.  Shooting that drug just took me to a new level.   One of the last blogs I wrote before using said that if I shoot speed, I end up in hell on earth.  If I die while in hell on earth - I end up in hell is what I believed.  Dying was the tweaker "plan" (no plan) for about month.  Many who loved Susan sacrificed much for her.   Suicide was though.  Even when I'd get on the ledge, I'd get back off.  I'm pretty sure I took a running start and jumped over.  I attempted suicide.

This was so hard for me to realize yesterday.  Especially with this wonderful fundraiser.  People care, love and believe in me.  I would like to say that I am being Truthful about this because I would never end my life if I weren't using.  Never.  Hopefully, this only ads more reason for me to stay in recovery - it's still hard.  It has been so hard for the past 2 days.  I feel so ?????.  I hope people find a way to understand.  I have trouble.  

Just being at this new hospital is hard.  I am way to physically messed up for the amount of care provided.  I know that now.  I was better off in the ICU.  It will work out.  This I know.  Sorry to be such a "cry-baby".  Thank you all for your support.  Hopefully this is the beginning of something very positive.  I will stay honest, so there will be some though times, but as long as I'm clean.

Being an addict, I know many who have died.  Many times, I could have been amongst those "many".  Although I considered suicide many times, this was my first attempt.  Knowing this makes a tough situation tougher.

 

"Friends And Lovers"

All my friends and all my lovers are... dead
Some from cheap narcotics and others from... lead
The filthy rich and the dirt-dirt poor
Are all the same when they can't take no more
'Cause all my friends and all my lovers are... dead

A slit wrist leaves a mess
On the breakfast table, oh yes
Betta' cut deep 'fore you go to sleep
But in the morning you're the one who gonna have to clean

Days I've seen make a priest lose his beliefs
Like Kathy crawlin' 'cross the

carpet in the bloodstained briefs
Chewin pills like she was starvin' for a taste of relief
Her last wind was in the trash can; couldn't beat the disease

All my friends and all my lovers are... dead
Some from cheap narcotics and others from... lead
The filthy rich and the dirt-dirt poor
Are all the same when they can't take no more
'Cause all my friends and all my lovers are... dead

Johnny made a record, went straight to number one
But Johnny had a little fascination with guns
And cocaine, he couldn't stand to take the slow train
Got a little Porsche, lost his breaks in the rain, oh
What to do when your luck is through
Whether you come from the slums or live in Malibu
Seen runnin' down the avenue
Mickey Avalon with an attitude

All my friends and all my lovers are... dead
Some from cheap narcotics and others from... lead
The filthy rich and the dirt-dirt poor
Are all the same when they can't take no more
'Cause all my friends and all my lovers are... dead

Lean Lee Tucker was a mean motherfucker
Seen him knock a man clean out his corduroy slippers
And that same man's queen (?) monster truck and hit him
Found him lifeless as a log in the Mississippi river
Tara was a stripper
Tara done that shit with a smile on her face and her hand on her liver
But I ain't mad, I forgive her
I just get a little sad everytime I fuck her sister

Someday

Someday, my life will be "normal".  It got bent out of shape so fast this last time.  I got kicked out of that program I was in for different reasons.  None were exit-able offenses.  I am what I am.  I miss that program.  I miss the relationship with God the most.

My decision to use in November was a bad one that took me down so fast.  I lost it all.  I was about to be homeless.  In fact, I am.  Thankfully I have this hospital to care for me.  It was not my plan, that's for sure.  

I was running from the devil.  Yet, I was trying to deal with that devil.  Not too smart.  However I ended up plummeting 40 feet from the top of a police station/garage/BART station by San Francisco International Airport, after speaking to a BART cop - I have no idea how that all happened.  What I do know is it seems to have been GOD's Will.  Not that all my bad prior decisions have been.  

I'm confused.  I'm in a lot of pain.  Doctors tell me I may never walk again.  I believe I will.  My physical therapist also believes I will - in 2 months!  I like the way that man thinks.  He also puts me through a lot of exercise!  I feel this at night!  The soreness and pain constantly awakes me.  My older brother is a physical therapist. Talk about new born respect!  

In my recent drug induced past, I was so confused and so unwilling to die, yet I felt my soul was owed to those who were better than me.  Dealing with that devil "convinced" me of this.  Kind of.  Shooting speed took me down in a hurry.  It convinces me of A LOT!

Being clean for 31 days has cleared my head - some.  I'm in pain and confused.  

After my fall, I shattered the bones in my ankles, elbows and my backbone.  I broke my ribs, hips, neck, collar bone and skull.   I have lots of other problems also - more painful than those shattered bones! The healing will take time.  Recovery from drugs alone takes time.  Dealing with the loss of Susan, her new marriage and her recent child birth and recent move to Cincinnati takes time.  She's been kind and amazing through our split.  So many people have.  All this "pain" feels  more real than usual.  I even cry a lot.  With real tears.  This is embarrassing, but this place (SF General)  is very busy (yet very good) and I can't physically move much.  It's important I be a man, but I am a physical and mental mess. - perhaps a bit overboard.  It is what it is.  I'll make it.

Many are having a fund raiser for me this weekend.  I love these people so much.  Not because they are raising funds - just because they care.  I can make it with God alone, IF I DON'T SHOOT SPEED.  I could care less about the money.  

The event is at Bocca Billiards in Milford:

 

I never asked for it or expected it (especially plummeting 40 to 50 feet), but I'm glad I did - I guess.  I believe it's God's way of working.  I'm so confused.  I've started over so many times.  I wish I could figure all this out.  Someday.

 

Ocean Size

Wish I was ocean size
They cannot move you
No one tries
No one pulls you
Out from your hole
Like a tooth aching a jawbone
I was made with a heart of stone
To be broken
With one hard blow
We seen the ocean
Brake on the shore
Come together with no harm done
It ain't easy living...
I want to be
As deep
As the ocean
Mother ocean
Some people tell me
Home is in the sky
In the sky lives a spy
I want to be more like the ocean
No talking
All action....
No talking
All action....

I assume many of you are aware of my hardcore mistake in addition to problems I had been having.  I'm not sure where or how to begin with it all.  I'm just not.  I remember fearing homelessness and using.  I got really confused and kept using.  To make a long story short, on January 15th I found myself at the top (5th floor) of a BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) Police station and garage for the train station.  I was confused about my "mission" I was on.  I may try to explain it all later, but for now, I am aware I jumped or fell or attempted to climb off the structure.

I ended up at San Francisco General Hospital - Gods Will?  Well, I'm alive, which was something my insane mind was not always allowing for.  My soul was to be delivered to "The Big Bad Wolf" in the woods.  

I became conscious at the beginning of last week.  I was out for 3 weeks.  Yesterday I was told I may never walk again.  That was hard to hear.  It came as no surprise - I can't even move!  It only strengthened my desire to be a healthy human.  "Falling" off that roof shattered my left ankle the most.  It also shattered my right ankle, my left and right elbows, my neck, my ribs and part of my backbone.  Oh yeah, there was also damage to my skull.  There's more than all that.  

I'm alive and clean for almost 30 days!  I am exhausted and trying to remain busy in my recovery - not just my drug recovery this time - my health recovery too.

My mind is so confused.  I don't know where or how to begin, so let me cut this blog short.  I said I would quit blogging in my last blog I wrote.  I assumed I would be in Rehab.     The last blog I wrote was called Give to Live.  I knew that in order to live, I had to give.  I stopped giving and nearly stopped living.

Below is the last blog I wrote before I relapsed that I never posted.  Perhaps I should have Posted it.  It's what God wanted.  Maybe it's what God wants now.



(I wrote this blog in late October - the night before I i.v.'d speed.)

MY HERO:
November 6

I went to SF General this morning to sort out my hospital bill.  (a previous one).  It seems everything is going to work out.  It seems I will be covered for the bill.  Since I have technically never had Healthy San Francisco Insurance, they will go back and cover anything that occurred 90 days prior to my getting it.  The tests were about a month ago.  I have to just take them a bank statement and a profit/loss statement for my business to verify I am really poor and set up what I will have to pay.  I will  take these things  next week  to my very understanding and very attractive worker.   

It turns out her ex is also in recovery.  I guess the fact that there are a lot of us in recovery or know someone that is is what makes all us San Franciscans so understanding in that area - I get that part?. What makes us all so attractive though?  Well, she is anyway.  Actually, I kind of know the answer to that too.  We live in a city where we have to be active by default.  Walking is usually a must.  There are not as many fast food options either.  And, I think the weather being 60 to 70 and sunny 9 out of 10 days of the year makes it easier to do things like ride your bike everywhere and run everyday or just take a walk.  It is a beautiful city in so many ways.

Speaking of running everyday, I'm finally getting back to running every day.  Actually, I run every night.   I run in the night now.  I wasn't able too run as much with my schedule the way it was before.  Plus I was getting so exhausted pushing that big cart.  I was too tired to run.   It's not that it wasn't great exercise, but I wasn't getting my runners high.  I lost 5 pounds doing it.  My pants were starting to fall down.  Just ask Dale and Anna!  It looked as thought I might have been going for "that look" - you know, the pants halfway down look.  That's not really my look.

Speaking of pants falling down.....  Susan always loved this story.  Maybe it's because she knows the place I'm talking about where this happened.  Even she had a sense of humor about the insanity of my addiction - when I was clean of course.  One day, when I was really skinny - about 125lbs, I was running to catch a train.....  I had spent the night out at Ocean Beach.  I remember it was Saturday because the coffee shop where the N - Judah Muni Train was packed full of people.  I was a tweaked out mess and my pants were way too big.  As I ran out into the middle of the train turnaround in the middle of the intersection, my pants fell down around my ankles.  I of course didn't have underwear on.  I'm sure it was quite a show for the early morning coffee drinkers.  I mean this is San Francisco where such sights are commonplace, but it is kind of the burbs out there!  As far as my not having underwear on, I had either lost them or didn't' wear them because I started realizing that every time I wore underwear and shot crystal meth - I lost them.  Have I ever said what a messed up ridiculous mess I became on that drug?  Oh, the glory days.

Where was I?  Running.  I love running these days.  And, I wear underwear and my pants fit.  Well, they are getting big again, but I actually have a belt.  My shorts I run in fit - thankfully.  Not that I couldn't run naked through San Francisco, but I really wouldn't want to - for so many reasons!

Like I said, running gets me so high.  I really feel so good.  I feel like a super hero.  I love trying to be one.  Most super hero's are ordinary people.  Ordinary is awesome.  I just want to be there for people anyway I can.  So many have been there for me.  I thought it was so cute when Gina sent me a text saying, "You're a super hero!", the day I had six months clean.  It really is little things like that I hold on to that help keep me clean.  So many have done so much for me - I can't use!  (Sarcastically) Thanks A lot!  Seriously though.  Thanks. 

I love running to the Bay Bridge.  Once there, I do 70 push ups and 100 situps.  It is so beautiful at night!  The lights of the Bay Bridge....
 

Right after I finished my push ups and sit ups the other night, I felt really good.  I usually do afterward.  I'm past half way!  And, the push ups and sit ups are the hard part.  I was feeling really good and I thought about Gina saying that and how good I felt.  I then started thinking of all the people who have tuned into my ridiculous existence over the past few months.  I thought of a few people in particular.  It made me smile.  I still thought it didn't make a lot of sense as I ran however -  I then past this large back-lit sign billboard on the sidewalk:  (It also had a beautiful woman in the ad I wish I could have photographed - I planned to.  Essentially, my world found a way to communicate when I needed it most.   I passed on this important message. )

YOU HAVE 

A STORY

TO TELL

 

(I wanted to photograph it, but obviously never got around to it.  Perhaps my time would have been better well spent doing so.)

I thought, how appropriately timed to my thoughts.  I smiled and thanked God.  It is true, that when I am making good decisions, The Universe seems to communicate with me more.  It was then that I saw this "Message" which was from the same set of ads as the first one I saw:

YOU HAVE 

SONGS 

TO SHARE

This really made me smile as I continued to run.  It even makes me smile now.  If all that weren't enough, moments later this song, My Hero, started playing in my headphones.  Sometimes life can feel so amazingly beautiful!  Thank you God.  I mean that.  And, YOU are my hero!  And, oh yeah, I guess "I have a song to share...." 

"Truth or consequence,  say it aloud"  Truth would have felt nicer!!!!

Too alarming now to talk about
Take your pictures down and shake it out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary

Don't the best of them bleed it out
While the rest of them peter out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary

Kudos, my hero
Leaving all the best
You know my hero
The one that's on

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary
There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary


I wonder how things may have gone if I would have stayed foucused on that blog AND THE TRUTH - instead of shooting up, which I chose to do that night.  I wonder how things would have gone had I listened to God.  I'm in so much pain right now.  I mean it.  I may never walk again.  That's the least of the current pain.  I'm in pain.