― Christopher Hawke
So many have been there for me over the years. I know God has been there for me over the years. Now that I live alone, I must always remember, I am not alone. It is SO important that I stay with God. It means SO much. I wrote a letter to God a couple of days ago. It began, " I am writing to you God. This does not need to be blogged...." Obviously, I'll leave it at that. Well, I will say that I basically said that I understand that my continuing to use would not be a Good thing for me. I just asked that if I failed it would not hurt the many who have cared about me. I do understand that ultimately, my success would not allow hurt to occur, but I have not done too Good in the past when I have had so many reasons to never use again. I had to pray that I take ALL the hurt if I fail. I know that in some ways that is not possible, but I guess I was speaking of the afterlife. My head is complicated.
This blog is suppose to help others. It's about me, but it's really suppose to be about God. That letter I wrote was very serious. It is very important I keep God in my life. If I were to fail, I hope that what people get out of it is a reason to believe in God - not me. When I use, I am not a Good person. I am sexual freak who disappears from everyone who cares about me. This is not okay. So many have been there for me and done so much for me. Millions of dollars were spent saving my life and getting me back to as Good of health as possible. My life has been saved more than once. One of my lifelong dreams came true when I was placed on the 26th floor of a high rise in downtown San Francisco. It is so important I remain grateful for all of these blessings. Not doing so will and should spell nothing Good for me.
When I keep God in my life, God gives me beautiful signs. God gives me a different beautiful sunset every night.
The first night I was really trying to stay in tune with God just a couple of nights ago, the light kept changing out my window every time I thought of God. It was so coincidentally captivating.
Saturday, I finally got to help out a friend who has done so much for me over the years. He is just one of many, but he has done a lot for me. My help to him is actually a Good thing for me too. He is making a film and I am The Director of Photography. That is so cool for me. I have to be clean in able to help him though. I took some stills for the film back in June of 2013, just after I got out of the wheelchair. I took some more on Saturday.
On my way over, I was conversing with God in my head. I was thinking how important it was that I find a way to stay clean. As I looked down, I was reminded of something I have actually been considering - Jesus. I feel ridiculous saying it, but I think Jesus may matter for me. I believe I will never be able to make amends for everything I've done. When I was homeless, I found a Quran and read it. It scared me. I'm not saying it doesn't work for many. It does. In fact, I never really liked the way Christianity believed it was the only way, but it may be the only way for me. Perhaps the Son of God did die for my sins. I have committed many.
What is most important is that I be a Good person in this life. I hope that I can somehow do that. Being "saved" will not by itself help me stay clean, but it couldn't hurt. I did grow up in a Christian home. In fact, when I think of my mother, I remember two things incredibly clearly. The day I found her dying and how when I was young she used to pour the communion in those little glasses at the church we attended. I assume that has to mean something. I want to do what is best for me and all of those who care about me. I'm not trying to tell others what to do. I don't believe that believing hurts anyone though. Believing in the God of ones understanding that is.
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| It says "MEDUGORGE". I think it basically means "Mother Mary". To me, it basically meant Jesus. |
I don't want to be some holy roller, but I cannot deny that the first person I remember seeing when I woke up at the hospital last year was my pastor. He's a great guy. He gave me an iPod that was full of Foo Fighter and Pink Floyd songs. He knows me too well. I saw him yesterday and he was so glad to see me. He gave me a big hug. I told him I relapsed. He said my faith was very important right now. I told him I was considering being baptized. I also told him I wrote a letter to God that was not to be blogged. He thought it was Good that I was not going to blog it. He has always thought I needed to be more private. Many do.
My head is not right lately. I'm very confused. I don't feel like this blog is making a lot of sense. I know what I know, but I'm having trouble writing about it. With that said, I'll stop writing - for now. I want to continue blogging and I want it to matter to whoever reads it. I always want it to be something Good. After all, so many have been so Good to me.
Time shakes, found you at the water
At first you were my father, now I love you like a brother
Earthquakes shake the dust behind you
This world at times will blind you
Still I know I'll see you there
Come a little closer, then you'll see
Come on, come on, come on
Things aren't always what they seem to be
Come on, come on, come on
Do you understand the things that you would see here
Come on, come on, come on
Do you understand the things that you've been dreaming
Come a little closer, then you'll see
Heartbreaks, the heavy world's upon your shoulders
Will we burn or we just smolder
Somehow I know I'll find you there
Oooh, I wanna see if you can change it, change it
Still I know I'll see you there
Come a little closer, then you'll see
Come on, come on, come on
Things aren't always what they seem to be
Come on, come on, come on
Do you understand the things that you would see here
Come on, come on, come on
Do you understand the things that you've been dreaming
Come a little closer, then you'll see
Come a little closer, then you'll see
Ten thousand people stand alone now
And in the evening the sun sets
Tomorrow it will rise
Time flies by, they all sang along
Time flies by, they all sang along
Time flies by, they all sang along
Time flies - bye, bye
Come a little closer, then you'll see
Come on, come on, come on
Come a little closer, then you'll see
Come a little closer, then you'll see
Come a little closer, then you'll see
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