Learning to Fly

(I wrote this blog a couple of weeks ago but did not post it.  I am having computer problems and I have continued to slip.  I'm still heading in the right direction and think it is very important that I post this blog.  It even means more now than it did a couple of weeks ago.  I'm Learning to Fly....)



"I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve."

- Albert Schweitzer"

I'm grateful to be alive.  I'm grateful I am clean today.  I am grateful for "Wally World", my recovery program. I am grateful that I have been keeping my word.  I'm grateful that I can help those who have helped me.  I'm grateful I can serve.  I've had some slips in my recovery lately, but I have been managing to do what I say I am going to do and to help others.   I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings.

Showing up is so important.  Doing what I say I will do, such as making it to band practice is important!  I'm even going to fun events.  By becoming responsible,  I am actually enjoying life.  Still, I have been slipping lately.  After all, using my drug the way I use it, is the lust of my life.  So much so that I have used when I have had plenty of reasons to "never use again".  Obviously, the lust of my life feels incredibly good to me.  So much so, that I continue to do it despite it's negative consequences.  As good as it feels, What goes up, must come down. 

My life has nearly ended, at least twice. My last reason to "never use again" was my near death experience that I actually chose.  As a result of a "methamphetamine induced psychotic reaction", as my doctor termed it, I attempted suicide. I walked to San Bruno and jumped off the 4th or 5th floor of a parking garage.  Coming down, is the hardest thing.  If I am clean, I can be hating myself, and still not want to hurt myself.  That drug and what it makes me do is so dark.  It's so dark, I lust for it.  It is that dark. 

I'm learning to fly.  I need to take baby steps.  Just showing up matters.  Being with others in recovery matters.  Going to a 12 step meeting matters.  Showing up at Wally World matters.  Band practice matters.  Did I just say these things?  If I did, at least I'm dwelling on Good things.  Speaking of going to band practice, The Alano's saxophone player and I went to the Walnut Creek Art and Wine Festival.  Obviously, anyone in a band called The Alano's is in recovery, so wine was not the attraction.  The attraction was music.  And, art.  We are both artist.

Some of the band members think I have a good Tom Petty voice, so we do three Tom Petty songs.  We do American Girl, Last Dance with Mary Jane and Breakdown.  They have even suggested we be a Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers cover band.  We do too many other good songs from other bands for that to be.  Plus, I try to keep adding Grateful Dead songs to our set list.  So far, we have done three songs that The Grateful Dead cover.  We do Eric Clapton's, Knocking on Heaven's Door, The Rolling Stone's,  This Could be the Last Time and we just started Buddy Holly's, Not Fade Away. 

Not Fade Away is one of the songs I performed on stage with my little brothers band when I was back in Cincinnati.  I wanted to have a  Grateful Gathering.   The Grateful Gathering was a reunion of the fundraiser my family and friends had for me when I was in the ICU.  I am still very grateful for those events.

Since I have been keeping my word lately and showing up to my commitments, my using has decreased.  So much so I was even able to go to a music event last Sunday.  One of our band members, who is the lead guitar player, suggested we go see the band, Petty Theft, since we do some Tom Petty songs pretty good.  There was also a Chicago, Steely Dan and Beetles cover band playing that day.  Although the lead guitar player was unable to go because of a commitment, the saxophone player and I did go. 

Petty Theft

It was a really good day.  It was really hot!  We are not accustom to heat in San Francisco.  Mother Natures air conditioner (The Pacific Ocean) keeps us nice and cool all summer long.  When it gets hot in California's Central Valley, as it does all summer long, the air heats up and, of course, rises.  When the thin hot air rises over the continent, it is replaced by the dense cool air over the Pacific Ocean.  This creates San Francisco's famous fog.  If you live near the Ocean it is usually foggy all summer.  However, if you live in neighborhoods near downtown, such as The Civic Center, where I live, it is usually sunny.  It's still nice and cool.  If it is 90 degrees 20 miles inland, such as Walnut Creek, where the festival was held, it will be 70 degrees in San Francisco.  The day we went, it was 90 in Walnut Creek and it was 70 in San Francisco.  It's dry heat and it was worth it.

This is the view off of my balcony.  The Pacific Ocean is the same direction as the fog.  It is exactly 6.0 miles away.

It was nice to take a trip The East Bay.  I haven't left The City of San Francisco since the holidays.  I needed that kind of escape.  We had a good time.

I knew I hadn't written a blog lately and knew I needed to write one.  I figured I would hear a song that would be my next blog.  The Universe just works that way.  I even recorded this one.

(I did record Petty Theft performing this song on my phone and it is on my computer, but like I said, I'm having computer problems.  I guess we'll have to settle for Tom Petty's version.  Petty Theft is good.  They are even better than The Alanos.)

Well, I started out down a dirty road
Started out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
And the town lit up, the world got still

I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well, the good ol' days may not return
And the rocks might melt and the sea may burn

I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well, some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I've started out for God knows where
I guess I'll know when I get there

I'm learning to fly around the clouds
But what goes up must come down

I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing
I'm learning to fly around the clouds
But what goes up must come down

I'm learning to fly
I'm learning to fly