I'll Take A Melody

I haven't written a blog lately. If you've read this blog, you know why. I am so amazed that I have continued to use after all I lost, nearly lost and could lose.  I can't believe that I choose to use, but I do.

 

Things are getting better. I've not completely given up. I've come close. A few weeks ago, things got so insane. I don't even want to talk about it. I don't even want to think about it. I'm still dealing with the damage and may have more. I hope not.

So many people have helped me over the years. It's important I remain grateful. People I have been in rehab with like to come over and sometimes use here. That can never happen again. I say that and yet this chick came over and was using, her way, in my bathroom last night! It's so frustrating. I have enough trouble staying clean on my own. About a month ago, this chick came over and used, MY WAY, with me. I didn't even know she used, MY WAY. It got so ridiculous.  I'm ridiculous enough by myself. I need to be done.  I'm done with her, that is for sure.

I've done better the past couple of weeks. I kind of hit a new bottom. As if hitting the ground after jumping off the 5th floor of a parking garage by San Francisco International Airport was not bottom enough. It was even worse than that. The world was coming to an end, I was going to hell and worse. Yes worse. I'll leave it at that.  Those days are over.

These days are here. Susan is in San Francisco for the first time since she left two years ago. She got here yesterday. When she got here, she came to my place first. She stayed with her friend in Oakland. She's here for a conference. That woman is so important and so smart. She was so good to me. She even saved my life. That's how f'd up my addiction is. I lose things that really matter to me. I even lose things I love. I lust for that drug the way I do it. It's sick.

Two years ago, Susan was moving back to Cincinnati under a whole lot of unforeseen circumstances, that were, I do believe, God's Will. The last time I saw her, she said, it was not "goodbye", but "see you later." Months later, she'd have her first baby and within a month, I'd attempt suicide. It's a long story, but essentially, it's as f'd up as it sounds.  To me, it was even more f'd up than it sounds. No matter what it was, it was almost "goodbye."

Her coming to San Francisco has given me more reason to stay clean and has even reminded me just how Good staying clean is. I know that, but sometimes I get lost in the misery in which only using takes away for a short time. It always makes things worse. Always. Staying clean means so many things.

One simple, but important thing is that I've been making band practice. Music means so much to me.  Tomorrow, I'm going to Jerry Day. Every year for the past 12, Jerry Garcia's birthday is celebrated at Jerry Garcia Amphitheater at McClaren Park in The Excelsior District where Jerry grew up.  I've been to so many.  I may have even gone to the first one.  It was an early one.

 

Phish is playing here in a couple of months. They are playing right next door at Bill Graham Auditorium. I think some of my old high school friends may be going. They came last year while I was in rehab. I could not go, but I did get to see them. Now, I live right next door! I asked my little brother to come out. He said he was already planning a trip here with his friend anyway.  We'll see.

Bill Graham Auditorium.  I'd love to see Jack White, but I think I'll save my limited funds for Phish.  Seeing as though my limited funds usually go up my veins, it shouldn't be too hard if I'm not using.

I have a lot more reasons than music to stay clean. However, music is my soul in many ways. It always speaks to me and says what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. Albert Einstein said that, "Coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous." I'll Take A Melody!

I've seen the rain pouring down The sky was grey with a speck of blue
Peek through a hole in the clouds The sun was screaming, "Hey You!".

As you ramble through your sorrow Seems like everything come out wrong
I'm living in yesterday's tomorrows I know something is helping me along

I'll take a melody and see what I can do about it.
I'll take a simple C and G and feel brand now about it.

I understand why the old fisherman
sail along, sail along, sail along. sail along, sail along,
someday he'll be gone

I hear you talking about your troubles
Everybody's got their troubles too
You can make them burst like bubbles
If you know just what to do

You know I've been called a dreamer
Dreams that never come true
But I've been called so many things before
Tell you what I'm gonna do

I'll take a melody and see what I can do about it.
I'll take a simple C and G and feel brand now about it.

I understand why the old fisherman
sail along, sail along, sail along. sail along, sail along,
someday he'll be gone

I'll take a melody and see what I can do about it.
I'll take a simple C and G and feel brand now about it.

Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining,
Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining,
Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining,
Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining,