Feel Like a Stranger

(I wrote this blog 9/24/13)

I’m tired and I don’t feel good. It has now been a week since I stopped taking morphine. MediCal cut me off and Healthy San Francisco will not cover it. It cost $850 per month! I think it has a lot to do with the fact that it is a narcotic also. I heard they don’t cover those. They do cover Tylenol with Codeine. I didn’t bother getting anything. It’s not really the pain that bothers me, it’s the nausea and everything else that comes with kicking an opiate.

Being a speed freak, I’ve never experienced such a thing. It’s withdrawal has it’s own pains and torments. I think I’d rather be nauseas and have diarrhea for a couple of weeks than be depressed and hear voices for a month. It is really severe the first few days. Severe enough to send me off the top of a parking garage.

I am very grateful that I have Healthy San Francisco. It covers everything else I have to take – which is actually less since I quit taking morphine. I did want off that drug, but not this fast. I’ll get better. I go to the doctor today. I go to The Haight Ashbury Free Clinic. They are so awesome. I love them.

I haven’t written much lately. I’ve been busy. I started Re-entry yesterday. That is the part of the program where we go to another location on a short bus every day and look for jobs and housing and such. Since I won’t have to do those things, I will likely focus on my website and my blog. Or, my book as I put it to them. It may become one. I have been called by Xlibris Publishing about 3 times now. They of course need a small investment, but they are aware of what I write and will help me with a lot of things. I’ll probably search for a free option – if it exists.

Did I write about people stealing the box that had everyone’s money and credit cards? When I checked in, they made me hand in those things. I had $20.00 and 4 gift cards. One was worth $5.00, two were worth $50.00 and the fourth – I have no idea. They kept these things in a metal lock box in the detox office. I figured that they would at least not get stolen. They did. Someone broke in and stole everything. They didn’t write down the value of my cards, but my Care Coordinator said that I have been nothing but honest with them the whole time I have been there. The truth is valuable. Hopefully as valuable as the gift cards!

Did I write how I started Re-entry yesterday? I am pretty sure I did. Oh yeah, I remember because I remember putting that dash in the word Re-entry. My Traumatic Brain Injury is at work – I think? Re-entry is another world! It’s close to the REAL WORLD! They are so professional, kind and approachable there. It is so nice being there.  I am Re-entering the REAL WORLD and it feels good.  I respect and appreciate the staff at 815, but they are not very professional, kind or approachable. 815 is the actual street address of this Wally World. It's kind of like how they refer to San Francisco's jail at 850 Bryant Street as 850.  Or, as most say, eight-fitty.  It's so ghetto.  There are 3 Wally Worlds – 815, 890 and 214. 214 is on Haight. 890 is on Hayes. 815 is on Beuna Vista West. It truly does have a Buena Vista (Good View).  

This weekend, The Dead is playing The Greek in Berkeley. I want to go see them so badly. I may just do that. I have not treated myself to anything since I’ve been reborn. I haven’t really been able to. I bought a smart phone for $48.00. Then, it broke and got stolen so I had to replace it with a $99.00 one. I also bought a Bluetooth headset for $5.00. I just lost it. I replaced it with one from China for $4.39 which includes shipping!  (I never received it either.  It says on e-bay that I did, but I did not.  I'm wasting more time trying to have it resolved than it is worth.  It was probably stolen somehow.)

The thing about The Dead ticket is it’s $76.00!  The Greek is a cool place, but I miss the days of paying $22.00 to see them at Soldier Field or Madison Square Garden or the dozens of other venues I saw them in the early and mid ‘90’s. Those were the days.

I really do Feel Like A Stranger. I’ve been absent from that scene for a bit. Living in San Francisco, they play here all the time. I’ve seen Bob Weir and Phil Lesh in so many venues – not The Greek. The Greek is an outdoor theater on U.C. Berkeley's campus .  

I hope to get this blog caught up soon. Seeing as though I’m “writing my book” in Re-entry, I should get it up sooner than I’ve been able to get caught up lately. I’m a couple months behind. I hope to get it up before I get back to Cincinnati. Talk about Feel Like a Stranger. I haven’t been home in 3 years!

I miss my family! When I say that, I mean my real family. I miss my deadhead family too. Last year, I had tickets for New Years Eve, but I was in a hardcore relapse and my friend who bought the ticket for me, Buckeye, who is my sponsor had to sell it. Instead of seeing the dead, I found a way to get the Chinese Mafia after me. After paying the hot little asian massage lady $200.00 to have sex with her, I shot and 80 unit hit of speed. I used to do 20 or 30 units. It was....  Wow!  Things didn’t happen as fast as she needed them to on New Years so she asked me what was up? I told her. She said, “DEY KILL YOU FOR DAT!” Well, who wasn’t trying to back then. 15 days later, even I joined it.  I tried killed myself.

Those days are over. I miss my family! All of them. Believe it or not, I’ll be safe at a Dead show. I used to do so much LSD there. I have no urge to do that drug. I am actually kind of grateful I did. It opened up so many doors in my mind.  That sounds like a real hippie attitude, huh? 

Actually, LSD used to make me think how much I needed to stop smoking, drinking, using…. It also made me think I was landing a spaceship into Cleveland. The cops ran us out of the parking lot and I was tripping very hard. I was in my Terrible Toyota (1980 Toyota Celica). There were dozens of cop cars with their lights on all the way down the side highway. I think they were trying to trip us out. I finally made it past them and it got very peaceful. As I climbed a hill looking at the stars, I thought I was flying a space ship. Then, I started going down the hill and there was a bridge crossing the Cuyahoga River with reflectors down the side. I then thought I was landing it on a runway. My arms melted off my shoulders and it was on autopilot.

Once we found an exit with hotels, we got off and went to the first one we found.  Then, we couldn't get the door open with our key.  Someone finally opened that door.  It turns out we were at the wrong hotel and were trying to get into the hotel room across the street with the same room number.

I never drove again after a dead show. Except for the one time leaving Detroit when my friend who drove could drive no more. He really did lose his arm in an LSD related accident. My neighbor who was driving died in that wreck. It didn’t stop us from dropping three hits as we got in 275 on the way to Detroit.  I did so much crystal wash in Detroit. That is what's left over after the dip all the sheets in the melted crystal.  It's in it's purist form.  I estimate it was the equivalent of at least 50 hits.  I had never been so out of it in my life. I was essentially the guiney pig.   We returned with 10 telephone pages in the trunk.  There are 1000 hits per telephone page.   We were so out of it.  My friend believed his arm was growing back.  North of Dayton when he asked me to drive.  Those were some crazy daze.

The truth is, these days The Dead represent being clean to me. For one, I am a WharfRat, which is a recovery group. For another, the only time I have seen them for the past 9 years while in San Francisco is when I am clean. I love to see them clean. I’ll never forget the first time. I was in Cleveland once again. It was the third night in a row seeing them. The night before, I got a ticket for drinking. Woody warned us not to drink on the way to Richfield Coliseum. He swore they were watching in the trees. They were. We didn’t listen to him. They pointed us off the road and pulled us out. I wasn’t worried about the drinking, I was wondering what I did with my LSD! I figured they’d search me for sure. They did not! They searched the car A LOT! I saw them open up my pack of Marlboro Lights to see what was inside. Thankfully, I didn’t have any joints.

Then, they wrote us tickets. When I got back in the car, I looked down at my Marlboro Lights back and saw a ten strip of white blotter LSD in the cellophane bag. Seeing as though the cigarette pack was white, they blended right in. The cops had them in their hands! Susan, who was driving began complaining that they didn’t have the right to take the alcohol that was not open. Under my breath, All I could say is “Let’s just go. Let’s just go!” Oh, the good old days. Anyway, the next night, I didn’t use anything – AT ALL! I saw my first show LSD free and I loved it.

I’ll love this one, if I get to go. I want to so bad. I have not splurged on anything since New Years Eve! That was not good! I try to make light of everything. Actually, I continued to splurge on crystal meth, but that was not good either. OFF THAT SUBJECT! ON TO THE DEAD!!! Oh, how I want to go. I’ll try. I have to get permission, but since the WharfRats are their, I likely will! I can’t wait. I sure do Feel Like A Stranger! I hope they open with that song!  It's a great opening song.  I've seen them open with it before!  (11/1/13 - Looks like they opened with it at The Greek in Los Angeles a few days later.  If only I was on tour with them.  I did get to go.  After seeing them all I wanted to do was go on tour with them!)

 

Inside you're burnin' I can see clear through
Your eyes tell more than you mean them to
Lit up and flashin' like the reds and blues
Out there on the neon avenue
Well I, feel like a stranger (feel like a stranger)

Well the music's thunderin', restless and hot
You keep firin' me glances across the room
And I can't stop wonderin' just what you got
Get the feeling I'm going to find out real soon
But I feel like a stranger (feel like a stranger)
So let's get on with the show, let's go

Yes, and the wheels it's smokin 'round midnight
You show me a look that says "Let's go"
Yes, and it feels about like running a red light
Now there ain't no point in looking behind us, no!
Still I feel like a stranger (feel like a stranger)
You know It's gonna get stranger, let's get on with the show

If this were love now how would I know? How would I know?
Feel like a stranger
Gonna be a long, long, crazy, crazy night
Silky, silky, crazy, crazy night