Rise Above This

(I wrote this blog 10/15/13)

I’ve been transcribing so much of my blog today. I’m doing all I can to get caught up. I’m a little confused. I have written so much so many ways. I haven’t really written that much lately. I’ve been pretty busy. I’ve not been too miserable either.
I really did settle into this zoo. Now, I’m ready to settle out of it. I’m tired of some of the ghetto run meetings. They just don’t fit me. I like the staff member who runs the ones I am speaking of, but they are pretty ghetto. So is he.

I am grateful for this place, but I still want out. Hopefully, in one month I will be out. I’m supposed to exit on November 15^th. I’m hopeful, but I won’t be surprised if it is delayed some. I’ve been accepted into West Bay Housing. Now, they just have to find me a place. I hope they find my one in my old hood – SoMa. The Haight Ashbury is cool, but it feels way to much like a neighborhood. I like living in THE CITY! I love being surrounded my skyscrapers. I like SoMa, because high rises are going up everywhere!  I like one way streets that have 5 lanes. I like people everywhere. I like subways. I like the city. West Bay Housing asked if I would be opposed to living in a high rise. “NO!” In fact, I’d love to.

(11/7/13 - I said "I'd love to!" and, now I am.  Living in a high rise is a lifelong dream come true.  I never dreamed it would come like this, but God works in so many amazing ways.  I was in the neighborhood yesterday and took this with my phone of my new high rise!   Mine's the finished one in the middle.  I said, "...high rises are going up everywhere."  I'm also between 2 subway stations.  And, there are streetcars above 2 underground trains, BART and Muni.  Market Street is the main street in San Francisco.  It  has lots of busses that go everywhere.  And it has bike lanes!  I hope to become the avid cyclist I was before my incident.  Transportation is very important to me.  And, I love trains.  I'd prefer being on my bike though.  I like looking at trains.  I'm a dork.)

I hope am out of here in a month. (11/7/13 - November 20th is my exit date.)  I hope this blog gets current by then too. (11/7/13 - I only have about 3 more to get caught up.)  I like going back and seeing where I was, but I also like publishing blogs that are current.

Hoping I get out of here in a month means I will have two reasons to be happy. Well, actually more, but on November 15^th, I’ll have 10 months clean. That means that today, October 15^th, I have 9 months clean. That means a lot since I have never been able to stay clean this long since I was 12 years old. The longest I had before this was 7 ½ months. That was last year. Before that, the longest I could get was 4 ½ months. Progress. 

I lost more every time. Hopefully, I won’t have to lose anything else. I hate to say it, but if I ever relapse I will likely lose my life. I figured as much last year when I wrote this blog. I never dreamed it would be me who tried to kill me, I just figured I wouldn’t make it. Now, I know I pick up where I left off.  I don't understand it, but I have to know it. 

I hope I stay clean. Unbelievably, I’ve had some cravings to shoot up lately. I guess I’m an addict.   The thing about me is, my cravings always come back after a period of time in which "I'll never use again."  I always have used again. I really do feel as though "I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this."  I’m an addict who has been clean for 9 months!  I really have to get it right this time.  See why this thing needs to be current?  I hope I get to publish this. I will. 

(11/7/13 - I do get to publish it.  For that I am grateful.  I can make this a little current.  My cravings have shot through the roof recently.  I've let it be known to so many, especially God.  When my cravings started, I was being kept up all night.  I was having a warming sensation in my chest and breathing heavy just thinking about it.  My mind was romanticizing a hit and the rush while living in my own beautiful high rise.  It's important I never use.  For so many reasons.  I think some are obvious.  I'll leave it at that.  Everyone's support has really made a difference.  I'm pretty needy!  I to tend to, "Call your name every day, when I feel so helpless.  I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this")

I suggest cranking this one up!  I love these guys.  I've listened to this one a lot lately.  It just really speaks to the way I feel.  I love music.  It is my soul....

 

Take the light, and darken everything around me
Call the clowns and listen closely, I'm lost without you

Call your name every day when I feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but I'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when I feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when I seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

 I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when I feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that I'm feelin' helpless
I'm fallin' down, fallin down', but I'll rise above this, rise above this, rise above this, rise above this doubt