When I Was Your Man

“If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph:

THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD WAS MUSIC”  

― Kurt Vonnegut


My days at Wally World are numbered.  Everything that was suppose to fall into place, is.  I am very grateful for that.  I am also grateful that my cousin comes to town tomorrow.  I put in for a weekend pass.  We will be staying at The Union Square Hilton.  Those high rise buildings (there are three) always remind me of my dad.  One of them is very tall.  It can be seen from far away.  I could see it every time I walked Phil in our neighborhood.  My dad, my stepmother and my two little brothers stayed there when they came out to visit us about a year after we moved here. 

Things were pretty good back then.  The Hilton was one of my clients when I worked at The San Francisco Chronicle.  The marketing person who was my client gave them a suite for the price of a regular room.  Talk about luxurious! 

It was an amazing trip, but my dads health was starting to decline.  I'll never forget when he went to sit on his portable seat he carried with him.  It flew out from under him and he hit the ground very hard.  I can see the pain on his face and hear his pain - still.  I had never seen him so helpless seeming.  It occurred to me that he may not be around much longer.  This was hard for me to consider.  Both my parents would be gone.  I do wish I would have done things differently, but it is the past.  It was a great visit.  I got to be the tour guide I love to be.

I still have my wonderful stepmother.  And, my aunts mean a lot to me too!  My cousin who is coming out is my stepmothers niece.  I really look forward to seeing her.  It's been a long time since I've seen my family.  It's been a long time since I have gotten to play tour guide.  I love playing tour guide in the beautiful city.  It will also give me an opportunity to take photos!  That is so important to my recovery.

I actually am only allowed to stay with her one night.  I have to come back to Wally World Sunday night at 10:00.  I can then get up and meet her again Monday morning.  She heads to Portland Monday afternoon.  It's ridiculous, but I didn't argue.  All's I will miss is a night of sleeping in The Hilton.  I can handle that since I will be living in my own high rise building Wednesday night!  Talk about luxury!  Talk about gratitude.  I have been trying to do all I can for God and my dreams are coming true.  It's important I stay with God.  God is so amazing.

It has been a very emotional time for me lately.  My cravings were incredibly strong recently.  I've prayed so hard for them to be lifted.  In many ways, they have.  I have a lot to look forward to AND stay clean for.  One of the many is my trip to Cincinnati.  That really helps me want to stay clean.  Using would complicate things to such a degree....  I can't even imagine it.  Well, I can, but it would not be a good thing.

Speaking of strong emotions, I sure had some a couple of days ago.  Going to my storage unit always creates very strong emotions for me.  It always takes me back to 11 years ago when Susan and I pulled up in our 27 foot U-Haul towing my black 99 GT 5.0, 5 speed Ford Mustang.  I loved that car.  Susan and I had our beagle, Willy with us.  We loved that dog.  I was so excited to have gotten my dream job in my dream city.  San Francisco is the dream city in which I proposed to Susan and we honeymooned and visited so many times before I decided we needed to move here.  I loved visiting, but I knew living here would be so much different.  Boy, was I ever right! 

Susan  was wearing what she wore so often - a hippie dress and Birkenstocks.  I remember that day so clearly.  I loved that woman.  I still love all of those things I just mentioned loving.  I know we are over.  That's a fact.  I want her to be happy with her new husband.  I still wish I would have been so much more to her ALL the time.  It hurts me to this day that I was gone from her for so many days.  So many.

A couple of days ago, I had gotten off the bus and was walking to this huge U-Haul building that can be seen from a long way away.  I was going to meet my social worker and the bed bug inspector who needed to make sure my stuff was bug free before I moved into my luxurious high rise.  Susan left me so many things in that storage unit.  One of the things is a pretty new double bed.  It has been in there two years since she has moved, but they still needed a dog to sniff it for me.  She told me that the inspector would be bringing a beagle. 

Beagles do have good sniffers.  Willy never stopped sniffing.  Willy never gave up searching for something to eat.  He even experienced something called "nasal deafness".  Basically, when he smelled something, he'd go for it and couldn't hear us call for him to "stop!"  He was a great dog.

That building contains so many of our things from 11 years ago that are in many ways frozen in time.  As I was walking up that building, I was nearly in tears as usual just thinking about that that day we pulled in and all I lost.  I thought about how much I wished I would have been a better man to her.  That woman was so good to me.  She did so much for me.  She even saved my life.  I put her through hell.  All's  she ever said I owed her was "dance lessons".  If I would have stayed clean, I would have.  This hurts me to this day.  I wish I could have. 

Now I all I can hope for is that her new husband does everything she deserves, including dance lessons.  Actually, when I was homeless and using on the street, she took them by herself.  She does what she says she's going to do.  I can't say the same for me.  I hope to from now on.  I just want her to be happy.  She deserves everything she's ever wanted.  And, she does seem to be getting them.

One thing I can never deny is how the Universe communicates with me.  It has always written a message in concrete just as I need to hear it or put a song on the radio at the perfectly appropriate time.  Lately, I've been listening to pop radio stations.  I'm embarrassed, but many of these songs do manage to speak to me with their lyrics.  As I walked up to that building with my headset on, this song came on:

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio but it don't sound the same
When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down
'Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should've bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should've gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should've bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should've gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

Although it hurts
I'll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I'm probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know

I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man