Home

The days I have been waiting for are fast approaching.  I'm going home.  In more ways than one.  I move into my new high rise apartment in exactly one week - assuming everything goes as planned. 

One thing is going as planned - this blog is current.  I will publish this one right after I write it.  I haven't done that since I wrote my blog in the hospital. 

I didn't realize at the time that I wanted it to be current just how much it would matter to me.  I just wanted it current.  I didn't think that my cravings would be as strong as they have been.  Having my own place and freedom is a beautiful thing.  It may also be a dangerous thing.  Using would be SO bad. 

I am learning that my cravings do pass.  I never want to use again - most of the time.  I can't use again.  I just can't.  I don't really want to focus on that right now since I really am not craving using.  I haven't for the past couple of days.  They will return though.  For now, this blog is current.  Just as I planned.

The other thing that went as planned is my bedbug inspection.  I met my social worker and the bedbug inspector and his dog at my storage unit.  I figured it would be okay, but I did live in a cockroach infected SRO until January 15th.  He said that they wouldn't live more than 3 months, but we let the dog sniff around and get her treats anyway. 

I can't believe I'm going to have a home.  A real home.  With a my own bathroom and kitchen.  And, an amazing view from my 26th floor balcony.  I'm so amazed.  I do wish I was facing the financial district and all of the high rises and that I could see the sunrise, but I can't complain.  I have settle for seeing Twin Peaks, The Golden Gate Bride and the sunset.  I'm so amazed.  Didn't I just say that?  I'm just so amazed.

Not only do I get my own home, I actually get to go HOME.  To my real home.  This brings tears to my eyes.  I haven't been home to see my family and friends for 3 years.  There were moments of those past 3 years when I believed I never would see my real home again.  I almost didn't. 

I look forward to seeing and photographing this beautiful city - again!

For the past few months, I've been anticipating this moment, when I actually do get to go home.  I was planning to go home in February of this year but a relapse a few months before made sure that didn't happen.  It nearly made sure this future visit didn't happen. 

Every time I take a walk through the Golden Gate Park panhandle every day, I listen do some Daughtry songs.  Susan burned them onto my music hard drive.  I never really listened to him, until now.  She must have when I was "gone".  This song about going home always touches me. 
So many people in Cincinnati have been so good to me.  It does seem like the more I think about this, the slower time seems to go. 

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

I should be grateful for having any and all time.  I don't always understand why I have been so loved either.  I guess it's no accident my home in Cincinnati is a little town/suburb called Loveland.

I must admit, learning my stepmother purchased me a plane ticket helped curve my cravings.  My head had been romanticizing having a needle in my arm with own place to bring a horny little tweaker chick to quite a bit recently.  Doing such a thing would make that trip home very difficult, if not impossible.  I just need to stay clean forever.  That's a fact.  I was going to say that I can't believe I'm having cravings to use again, but that would be ridiculous.  My cravings to use ALWAYS return.  I have had so many reasons to "never use again", yet I always have.  As a result, I've lost so much. 

I've nearly lost my life many times.  This last time was the most severe.  I've heard voices when coming down from shooting meth for years, but it got so dark this time.  I was literally dealing with the devil.    Walking to and then jumping off the rooftop of a parking garage next to San Francisco International Airport was insane.  Using makes me insane.  I can't use.

I have so much to be grateful for and look forward to.  I'll be home for the holidays!  It's been three years since I've done that.  That last two Christmas Days, I was miserable.  I spent one at Golden Gate Beach doing as much speed as I was able to panhandle for.  People were very generous when I panhandled on Christmas Eve. I wanted to do so much so it would feel as Christmas didn't even happen.  That was still a hard day.  I can feel and recall it to this day. 

This year will be different.  It has to be.  It will be.  I'm going home.  The Bengals are doing good!  I'm such a die hard Bengals fan.  Susan bought me season tickets for my birthday one year.  It was the first year of Paul Brown Stadium.  We went for a few years and moved a little closer to the field each year.  I then moved us to San Francisco.  I would eventually become a hardcore addict who was rarely "present".  She kept the season tickets and would sell them to our friends each year.  Now, her and her new husband use them.  I find this to be so...  my fault.  Susan is also a diehard fan.  Her husband seem like a nice person.  Still, those tickets were my birthday present! 

If I would have found a way to stay clean....  That's just not the way things turned out. 

How did I get into all of that?  See how this mind works?  It's my reality I guess.  Still, I'm going home!  In more ways than one!  I get a home - with a kitchen and a bathroom and a 26th floor balcony.  I get to see my brothers soon!  And all my family and all my friends!  It's been so long. 

I have been so absent to so many over the years.  Still, when I choose to come back into peoples lives, the embrace me with so much love.  I don't have the words to describe how much this means to me. 

I'm so grateful to so many of you.  God works through so many people.  I love them for that.  God gave Susan everything she ever wanted.  She always wanted a good husband.  Susan never wanted to be pregnant and bring another child into this world.  She wanted to adopt a child.  She felt so many kids need homes.  She also wanted someone to be with her when she gets old.  She now has her own child to be with her.  She wanted a HOME - in Cincinnati.  She just bought one. 

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.

She never wanted to be pregnant, but I know she loves that little girl.  She will be the greatest mother ever.  I know this from experience.  So does both of our dogs we had!  She is still that great mother to Phil!

God gives Good people Good things, even if they don't believe in God.  I thinks it's more important to be a Godly person than it is to believe in God.  Knowing God exists and doing ungodly things lands a person in hell.  I know this from believing in God and doing bad things and then being in hell on earth.  However, it may have been my believing that continued my chances to be with God - forever.  More bad choices could land me in a "never ending" hell.

Let's not go there!  Let's go somewhere that means so much to0 me! 

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.

I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.

 

 

As hard as things have been, I really don't regret this life.  I know so many amazing and beautiful things as a result of this insane life.  I do regret some of the things I've lost, but not this life.  It is amazing.

 

Oh, by the way, I'll be home on December 5th.  I'll stay hone until January 9th!  That means I'll be home for my birthday which is on December 7th!  The last three birthdays have been hell.  Literally.  My 40th birthday was spent leaning up against a concrete post holding up the I-80 approach to The Bay Bridge having diarrhea all night long.  I was so sick an so miserable.  I believe this birthday will be much better.  Just being clean will assure that.

 

It's very important I remember just how miserable things become when I use.  A week from today, I'll have my own home.  To this addict, that means I could have that lustful rush shoot through my veins.  And then, "her"!  Hell will follow.  I must always know that.

 

 

I really do look forward to coming home.  It's this that will help me stay clean.  That and all the recovery meetings I will attend.  And, all my amazing friends and San Francisco who support me.  And, my band - The Alanos!  I have so many reasons to never use again.  It's so important I remember this.  Right now, the biggest and best reason is, I'm going home!

 

 

 

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.