Won't Back Down

(I wrote this blog 10/31/13)

"Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."

-Harriet Beecher Stowe

Reading all my old blogs is very important to me right now.  I'll have my own place in about 2 1/2 weeks.  I'm so grateful.  However, I've never wanted to stick a needle in my arm this bad since I tried to kill myself.  What is wrong with me?  I guess I'm an addict.  I fear having my new place.  It is on the 26th floor.  I am so grateful to have it, but I really hope I don't use.

I don't know how to explain this, but I don't think I'd jump if I were to use.  I still can't use.  The parallel Universe I enter is way to complicated to explain.  It's way to complicated to understand.

I really didn't expect cravings to return this time but they have.  In the past, I've always had a life threatening or horrible situation occur and then cleaned up.  Last time, before I relapsed, I was divorced and became homeless.  That was the "horrible situation" I just mentioned. 

After these occurrences that have cleaned me up, I eventually start craving to use again.  Every time they start, I eventually use.  I have way too much to lose - including my life.  I'm not try to write myself off in a relapse, but relapsing should not be an option.

I hope that I am learning that I can make it through these cravings without using.  I don't want to leave Wally World and use.  I just fantasize about using once I have my own place.  I do all I can to "change the channel" when those thoughts enter my mind.  I can't help it sometimes.  It is very sexually related.  For months, I didn't even crave sex.  For the past couple, I have.  Now, I crave what makes it so lustful.

Craving sex ultimately led me to using last time.  It's not as if I wouldn't like a normal relationship someday, but sex would not be what I am ultimately after.  I relationship would be nice.  So would sex!  Maybe just plain old sex without a needle would be good.  I know it would be good, but....  I'm really confused.

I've been praying so hard to God.  Odd's are against me.  They are against every addict.  I feel I am one of the worst.

These past few days have been really hard.  Transcribing my blog has helped.  I was not having these cravings a couple of months ago.  My blog writing became less frequent for many reasons.  Some good.  I was no longer depressed and miserable. 

I think it is important this blog get current now.  So many of you mean so much to me.  So many at Wally World do.  My recovery friends matter.  My Family matters.  My band matters!  So much matters.  My blog readership is picking up again.  I got over 2000 hits last month.  Lately, I've been averaging 100 day lately. 

That tells me it matters.  I need to know that.  God matters.  That will always be true, whether I exist or not.  I hope I do.  "Well I won't back down"

Well I won't back down, no I won't back down
You could stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won't back down

 Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won't back down

Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby there ain't no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I won't back down
No, I won't back down