CityTeam (Life Ain't Always Beautiful)

I don't have a lot of time to write and I am not sure when I will be able to write again, so I'll make this quick.  Currently I am at Walden House.  I have been there since Monday.  Walden House is part of the Haight Ashbury Free Clinic and has a detox center in the Upper Haight.  It's a beautiful facility with a wonderful Staff.

I have been accepted into a program that is a year long called CityTeam.  CityTeam is in the South of Market neighborhood in which Susan and I lived together.  In fact, it is about a block away from where Susan still lives.  I really want to give back to that neighborhood and that is what CityTeam does.  It's a long story how I ended up there, but one I would like to tell.  I plan on writing in a notebook over the next few days while in detox.   When I am allowed to get to a computer again, I will post it.

I start CityTeam on Monday.  They asked me to go to Walden House Detox since I didn't have enough clean time to start at CityTeam. 

I had to go pick up some of my belongings from MSC South (the shelter in which I have been staying) and drop them off at my storage.  My storage space is near the library and I wanted to take a few moments to let everyone know what is going on.  Again, I'm not sure when I'll get to computer next, but hopefully the next time I post something, I will have some clean time!  Sorry to be so brief.  I have really committed myself to recovery this time.  Once again, thanks everyone.  I have to get back to Walden House.  Please, have a beautiful day!

 

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

[CHORUS]
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

The Wheel

Well, I did my usual and fell of the face of the earth again.  This means I used a again.  It took me to a really bad place really fast.  I felt awful for leaving so many people hanging.  So many people were so kind.  I really appreciate all of the offers to hang out, let me call you , buy me dinner!  Like I said in my last blog, I am truly lucky to have been surrounded by so many awesome people in my lifetime.


This last relapse put me back out on the street for a few days.  It didn't take me long to realize how much I hated it.  I'm of course not thinking about that when I decide to use.  I think, one more time and then I'll get back on track.  I know better.  I have known better for a long time.  I have lost far to much to be so naive.  Still, addiction it tricky.  My mind can get lost in the idea of using.   Maybe I was getting too confident too soon.


I don't really want to go on and on about what happened.  I wanted this blog to become about recovery - not using.  With that in mind, for the past few days, I have done nothing but go to appointments that will help put my life back together.  Ultimately, I hope to get into a rehab program.  I should know tomorrow.  I thought I might be able to get clean without being in a program, but perhaps not.  I've thought like this for years. If for some reason I can't get into this program, I'll keep trying other avenues and I will stay connected to all of my San Francisco friends in recovery.  I will say that I am more surrendered to the idea of being in an inpatient program than ever before.


I am lucky to be back at the shelter.  It has been raining like crazy in San Francisco for a couple of days, so I am grateful to be there.  Last night, I volunteered in the kitchen.  I wanted to show my appreciation.  I felt good about doing this.


As many of my friends in recovery pointed out to me after my last couple of blogs, I don't have a lot of time to continue relapsing.  I really am at a point where things could get really bad again.  I am also at a point where they can get good again - as long as I don't pick up.


Thanks again for all of the offers to meet up, for me to call or just the encouraging words.  I really want to get back on track and maybe write about recovery some day soon.  Susan says this blog just feeds my ego - she is probably right.  Addicts tend to have big egos and low self esteem.  I'm certainly guilty.  With that in mind, I'm not going to talk to much about what all happened.  Perhaps in the future (I can't help it!).  For now, I am trying to take matters very seriously. 


I want to make it clear that all of the support really does seem to be what has got me thinking like this.  I don't really want to be someone who needs support all the time, I just want to be a friend.  I will let everyone know what happens with rehab and look forward to talking to and seeing many of you in the future. 


This song has been in my head for the past couple if days.